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Nobody came out for my birthday (self.askTRP)

submitted by floresw4

A few weeks ago I asked all my friends to come to my house for my birthday and we’d go to a bar after we pregamed a bit. I invited over 20 people, and nobody showed up. I told everyone to come over around 8pm. It was 8:30 and still nobody showed up. No texts cancelling or saying they would be late. And these are people I hang out with on a regular basis!

Doesn’t help they all drove an hour and a half away the day after to go to a girl’s party who we all know. Should I cut these people out of my life and start over? Only one friend of mine (my best friend) told me he couldn’t make it and he’s taking me out for dinner tonight.

I thought I was good friends with all of them. Guess not.


[–]TehJimmyy 145 points146 points  (0 children)

Doesn’t help they all drove an hour and a half away the day after to go to a girl’s party who we all know.

Welcome to life dude

Only one friend of mine (my best friend) told me he couldn’t make it and he’s taking me out for dinner tonight.

Hang out more with this guy , diss all the others.

[–]a_nus 55 points56 points  (1 child)

Those sound more like acquaintances than friends to me.

[–]askmrcia 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was thinking the same

[–]900_year_old_vampire 98 points99 points  (8 children)

inconsiderate of them, definitely. personally i think "cut these people out of my life and start over" is a bit dramatic though. no need to be dramatic. everyone has their own life.. you gotta manage your expectations. besides, atleast you learned who is actually your friend, and who is just an acquaintance. thats valuable information that they just gave you for free.

my advice is to just try to learn a lesson from this.. when someone whos company you enjoy invites you to do something, remember this moment, and how it made you feel. then dont be "that guy" who RSVPs for some shit, then just doesnt show up. you can only control yourself, not other people. so control yourself, and dont try to control other people.

happy belated birthday, by the way

[–]K3ystr0k3 6 points7 points  (0 children)

THIS, and in conjunction, it's time you start building a new social circle as well.

[–]LordThunderbolt 8 points9 points  (4 children)

You're a bitch. They don't even txt him to say they're not coming. Clearly they have zero attachment or care for him. He should remove all of those fakes from his life.

[–]meaningintragedy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That just shows a complete lack of respect for op.

When this happens to me, I just cut these people off.
The question I like to ask in this case is "would they do that if I was their boss, would they not come without texting?".

[–]900_year_old_vampire 1 points1 points [recovered]

its inconsiderate but its not a total "fuck you" deal breaker. maybe every single one of those guys' moms just fucking died yesterday.. you dont know. everyone is in a different situation and has their own reasons for their actions at any given time. being so insensitive of that angle is never going to get you very far with women. part of being a leader is putting yourself in someone elses shoes and considering things like that. another part of being a leader is being understanding when other people make mistakes. flaking on your birthday party, for example. forgiveness and understanding are not weaknesses. they are strengths.

[–]LordThunderbolt 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Dude you're just a bitch making excuses. 20 people and not one could send a fucking text? You're a bitch through n through.

[–]mickey__ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey what did u mean with part of remembering the moment and RSVP?

[–]DickTerper 1 points1 points [recovered]

  1. Figure out how you could have misjudged these "friends" so grossly, that you were taken completely by surprise by their treatment of you. It means they either didn't understand you actually expected them to come, and/or didn't care enough to make the effort. Probably more of the latter.
  2. Your closest social circle didn't meet your expectations. Figure out why. Maybe you don't know how to build trust and strong bonds that will create the fulfilling mutual commitment that you apparently expect from people you hang out with regularly. It could also be that some of these people aren't suitable for such a commitment. Point 1 suggests you're not very good at reading people.

[–]sihitu123 9 points10 points  (1 child)

This. People saying they werent his friends, theres no way that nobody would show up unless the OP has some major faults. He is definately on the outskirts of that social circle and to not notice that means he must be deluded.

Furthermmore how the hell did he organize this party. Did he just send a random msg and not actually confirming whether the person can come. Latest bigger birthday parties where I have gone have all had facebook events so you can see who can come and who wont.

[–]minoc_uo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree to point 1. You gotta figure out why 20 people didn't want to show up. There's something going on there.

[–]LordThunderbolt 10 points11 points  (1 child)

They were never your friend. Look back and think under what circunstances you hung out with them. Where they inviting you to shit? Did they ever call or text you first? Do they ever call or text just to check up on u?

You need to wipe your hand clean of all these weasels. Even your best friend is suspect in this, as I'm sure they've all talked about your onvite to see who was going. Your "best" friend might just be the obly one of them with "some" level of decency, but it still doesnt maoe him the best friend you could have or deserve.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that's jumping to conclusions a bit. Maybe his friend had a genuine reason he couldn't come. Work, vacation, etc.

He invited OP out to a dinner on him so I think he sounds like a bro.

[–]pohlrich 8 points9 points  (0 children)

did any of them actually say they were coming though?

i mean in every social group theres that person everyone tollerates but nobody actually invests time in, the person doesn't see it and thinks they're one of the group, but they're not, they're just tollerated because nobody will tell them to fuck off.

[–]bobbydreddits 17 points18 points  (5 children)

That sucks man. Recently I turned 30, typically I don't celebrate birthdays but this year I decided I wanted to go to a concert. My roommate agreed to go with me. We were halfway to the concert before he told me he wasn't going to pay for it, so I ate his ticket cost plus all of the gas, and driving. I helped this fucking dude remodel his house and he tricked me into taking him out on my birthday. Needless to say we aren't roommates anymore and I haven't talked to him since I moved out. Good luck, hopefully you learn something from it. Happy belated birthday.

[–]Random_throwaway_000 1 points1 points [recovered]

Ticket cost is cheap to find out who is a real friend and who just wants to use you. Unfortunately it feels like so many men lack basic decency to be a good friend. When you do find someone who meets that standard, it's worth it's weight in gold.

Side Note: I wonder if there is a relationship with how sub par most men are in the dating world, and how sub par many (not going to say most here) men are when it comes to building lasting friendships.

[–]bobbydreddits 2 points3 points  (2 children)

This guy is a piece of work, but it is what it is. It made me realize I needed to pick my friends better. I had been hanging out with a lot of guys that still didn't have careers, or goals, and their gfs were much more successful then them. Up until my late 20s i was extreme bp'd when it came to women but very rp'd when it came to my career and my goals. This carried over to who I chose make friends with and you can guess how that worked out. I ghosted a lot of people recently, and honestly, it's great. Moving to a new city helped also.

[–]Random_throwaway_000 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Men without life goals are stagnat, and unlikely to be good friends. But not having a career isn't a big red flag, it's not like you need much money today with many men not marrying or having kids.

I'm going to try to think of small 'tests' really to try to distinguish real friends from the fakers. Waiting till after you remodel a guy's house to find out he's a dick isn't great. Maybe seeing if a friend would cover a night out drinking one time, or help moving is a good one but hard/rare to use.

[–]bobbydreddits 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When your friends with someone that is constantly broke, and someone constantly bails them out of their own shit it enables them to think it's ok to do things like this. That's the conclusion I came to at least. Never be friends with a leach, it's like loaning money to a drug addict

[–]RedSkeller 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s some bullshit.

[–]Rollo_Mayhem3 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Shake it off...build that one friendship. No shame in saying to your friend who's taking you for dinner, "hey man, thanks for dinner, you're a good friend, and I let's make sure it stays that way..." never take a friendship for granted.

Edit: I periodically will state to my friend, hey man I really appreciate your friendship and want you to know that. I want people to know that I care about them and feel it. I don't give two fucks..when someone takes the time to "invest" in you, I think it's proper to reinforce those bonds. Especially in a culture that is trivializing men and masculinity. Brotherhood is needed more than ever.

[–]Huskimbo9 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That fucking sucks.i hope you made the best of your birthday even though that happened .Ive been there.i also got rid of those "friends " that didnt even give a damn to tell me they didnt want to go.guess thats old school but it is what it is.Find new friends my man.

[–]EnzoGold 5 points6 points  (0 children)

People saying its dramatic to cut them outta his life? Not at all. You invited them and they basically ghosted you. And from a logical point of view it would be better to cut them off cause you fuck with them harder than they fuck with you. They could take advantage of you this way. FUCK em.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Should I cut these people out of my life and start over?

No. People are the same. It's you that needs to change. You suck at hosting a party, don't blame others for this.

This time you MAKE UP A PARTY - tell everyone what a great time you had, give specific details of the fun, the frolics, people making out, the police telling you to cut the noise. Relate 3 incidents and be specific. Noone showed, noone to deny this.

Next, you need to know how to host a fucking party. It isn't "invite them and they'll come". You have to sell it. If you have popularity and history it's easy. If not, here's the formula:

  • Find the 5 most solid people. People who'll give you a straight answer, turn up if they say they will, not flake, not cancel. Tell these people you're having a gathering, and AGREE A DATE WITH THEM. This is your core. They're reliable, so you work with them to agree a date, a month in advance. They get to list dates, and you maximise the number that can make it, and you listen to their preferences. When finalised, tell them the date, make sure they write it down at the time. With these 5 core people down, you have a minimum gathering, so it will all be fine. Next you try to deliver the best value you can to these people.

  • With your core lined up, you MAKE AN INVITE. Printed, glossy, email version, snap version, whatever. Make it fun, work with a girl on this ideally, doesn't need to be too polished but this is a guarantee to people that says "I have put work into this, this is happening". This requires no skill, just effort. Put everything you can into this. Make it fun, scrappy, interesting, quirky. Include date, reason for gathering ("15th of March Spectacular!"), and WHAT TO WEAR. Include "food provided/takeaway available/food next door"). Don't mention drinks, or say ("Bottle optional"). Someone should be able to pick up this invite off the street and come along, correctly dressed, knowing roughly what to expect. Include "guests welcome".

  • Invite everyone PERSONALLY, in person, in real. Do not ask if they are coming. "Hi XXX, we're having a party on XXX date, I've got X,Y,Z,P,Q people coming". (Exaggerate this a bit, list the popular people in the core team, add a few others. The party is a dead cert at this point, so exaggerating is fine). And then, CRITICALLY, you say "I'd like it if you can be there" or "be awesome if you can make it". Don't ask for confirmation, RSVP, if they can definitely be there, etc. Your frame is that you want them there, but if they can't make it you'll still have fun. You allow them to be indecisive, clear with the SO, etc.

  • Numbers: You'll get 75% of the definites, 25% of the maybes, and a few +1's.

  • Invite people according to the above formula in increasing order of flakiness. Hot flakey girls LAST. Solid bros first. Each time you invite someone, you mention all the other people who have bought in.

  • Don't invite anyone who is a dick, or brings along people who are dicks.

  • Don't do fancy dress or costume parties. Too much effort for people. It's great fun, but only do this when you are solid at having a party, because the effort means people have to know it's worth it.

  • Have a strong theme or a hook if you can. "It's a beach party, I've got 18 tonnes of sand in my back yard, and we're going to drink cocktails all night on the beach. In the dark". Notice this is fun, quirky, and requires NO EFFORT from people.

  • It's going to cost you money. Don't even tell people to bring anything. Some will, some won't, don't expect or ask for it. Girls can throw a party for free in their bedroom, you can't. Accept it and make the most of it.

  • Have some food plan. People will have more fun for longer if there's food. Either lay on some easy food you can make cheaply in bulk, or have a takeaway plan, which will be pizza because noone else will agree to anything else. Get cash in advance from people, write down what people want, hand round a menu. This too will cost you (because people are dicks), just suck it up. Best is to lay something on though. You can make 20 jacket potatoes in exactly the same amount of time as 1.

  • Lay everything on, but don't fuss, don't over-host.

  • To break the ice, try to split groups up. People hearing other people talking takes the edges off the lull. If you have 8 people in a silent group in one room, ask 4 (name them!) to help you in the kitchen, you'll talk and have fun with them and the others will hear.

  • Lay on booze. Don't go overboard and don't make it too nice and try and get cheap. You don't want them drinking your expensive booze and leaving their cheap crap.

  • Don't tell them it's your fucking birthday. People don't know what present to get and will flake to avoid social embarassment.

  • Oh yeah, don't call it a party. Expectations too high. "Gathering" works.

  • Sell it. Arrange it a month in advance, remind them every week and the day before. Text everyone the day before "Gathering tomorrow... my place... XXX house, XXX address, balloons outside, arrive around 7pm if you can". And then text ON THE DAY, round about lunchtime. "It's happening! Today's the day! 7pm if you can, XXX address, just bring your awesome self I'd / we'd love to have you".

  • Co host with a girl if you can. She won't help and she'll be a pain around all arrangements, but hooking into her social network is fucking gold. People want to meet new people, not the people they already know.

Never agree to any changes after the core team are signed up. People who say "can you move it to Thursday" are exactly the same people who will flake even when you've moved it.

Look, I know this looks like a massive amount of effort, and all they have to do is show up. But:

  • You get all the credit. Social credit for pulling off a good party is sky high.

  • Each individual is thinking "this is a lot of effort to get dressed, get my ass over to X place, get back, and who will even be there?". They have to feel it's worth it, and that they're missing out if they don't go there.

Yes I've done all the above, and yes it works great. People will NOT think "he's only popular because he put so much money and effort in". People will only think "Fuck, that was a great party, that guy is awesome".

[–]domoli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

beautiful

[–]IronMonk48 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This shit is why I read the red pill comments. Wonderful reply!

[–]rangamatchstick 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That sucks dude.

[–]Soderbergh 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Most of the world is like this. Don't think too much about it. Laugh it off and keep looking for friends who share your values. But don't throw these ones away.

[–]RedSkeller 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sucks. People are real shitty, especially in this day and age, people are real commitmentphobes for no good reason. That being said, and what others have said, remember this going forward. Don't be the guy who does this to others and take note of the people who did. I personally wouldn't think much of it, but if they are your friends they should know better than to not even text you. In the future let your friends invite you to your party and not the other way around, also it's just another day so shift your focus elsewhere.

[–]Arhamzubair 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey man,

You can bounce back, trust me. What you have to do is be so high value that they start to beg to hang out with you. That usually will come in the form of increasing your SMV. Obviously idk your personal situation to advise further but work your was off. HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND GOOD LUCK!

[–]justicecantakeanap 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People suck

[–]Waulkriee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Rule 2

Never put too much trust in friends, learn how to use enemies

[–]nofilmynofucky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

dude no one, and I mean no one has 20 'real' friends. Most people have less than 3, so don't stress about a lack of quality friendship

Anyway you've now realised that 19 of your friends won't actually lift a finger for you, and that's fine: you can save time, energy and money moving forward prioritizing your 1 friend should he need it. That said, I don't think you need to cut them out necessarily, just view them as how they view you: a sometime convenience, a 'good time' friend, not someone to invest in

edit - a word

[–]OrphanedVigilante 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Keep the best friend and find new friends to replace the rest.

[–]markyLEpirate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah man it happens. I just invited a bunch of people to come out and said fuck it. Whoever made it had fun and so did I. How early did you tell them? Also happy belated! Mine was the 16th

[–]moresmarterthanyou 0 points1 point  (0 children)

happy birthday man

[–]juliusstreicher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It seems that you have 1 friend and 19 acquaintances.

[–]Lendoran 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say take them out.

Dude I live in a small town and even back in my home town, I only had a circle of about 5 friends. I only one one close friend. I've never shared a birthday with my friends, only myself.

Don't take it deeply just move on.

[–]scrmi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit man, sorry to hear that. If you lived anywhere near me (HU) I'd take you out for drinks!

[–]blackedoutfast 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the fact that no one except your BFF even made an excuse for not coming is pretty telling.

how exactly did you invite them? was it just a vague, open-ended text like "hey i might be having a few guys over to pregame and then maybe hit up a bar sometime next month, you can swing by if you're interested" because you can't do that and expect people to remember.

meanwhile Suzy Otherparty probably had a facebook event page for her party, and a group text just for event planning her party and getting everyone hyped up, sending individual followup messages to people making sure they will come or at least make an excuse to not come, and instead of being a lame sausagefest, she invited all of her hot slutty friends to her party.

if you want to throw a party or set up a social event, you need to make a big deal out of it and keep it on everyone's mind and hyped up about it. Chads and hot chicks can be vague "hey let's pregame on friday" and people will show up, but you don't have the juice in your social circles to do stuff like that. i know this because if you were that popular, someone else would have volunteered to plan your bday party for you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The main part you're leaving out is the response to your first invite.

Did any of them say "yes ill definitely make it" and then just not come?

Did everyone see the message? (meaning was it over a format like fb that some people rarely check?)

Did you send follow up reminders? (If someone invites me to an event 3 weeks prior but doesn't remind me in any way I'm probably gonna forget)

Did they at least wish you happy birthday? (phone calls, texts, etc.)

It sounds like it was shitty for you but I just wanna get more info before I pass judgement.

Also hang out with your best friend more. He sounds like a bro.

[–]CutLiver 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Sounds like your best friend is a good dude. Personally, I wouldn't cut the other ones out of your life completely, but next time they need a favor I would (politely) tell them to fuck off. That's shitty of them.

[–]LordThunderbolt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You're a bitch if u think it's okay for all 20 of those people whobhang out together to not even txt u saying they're not coming to your birthday event. You think they didn't discuss it amongst themselves? Get real dude. Eliminate all forms of trash from your life, discard weasels and vermins.

[–]juliusstreicher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

but next time they need a favor I would (politely) tell them to fuck off. That's shitty of them.

No, the thing to do is say "Sure, I'll be there! And, don't worry about the beer-I'm covering it!" I hope it goes without saying that he is not to show up/call/givethemthefinger.

[–]DazFlow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That just suck man..this is why i dont like to throw a party or anything like that..

What I always do is.. I wait for other people to invite me to their party or to go out..and whenever i got invited my answer is always "yes" even when I know it going to be suck..