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How to handle bullying/harsh jokes? (self.becomeaman)

submitted by [deleted]

I'll start with some background story.

Back in high school i was bullied by other kids, even girls... I wasn't really social and never 'fit in'. At the end of 7th grade younger kid, punched me many times till i was bleeding, just to prove a point to his friends. I should've defended myself, but i couldn't. It crushed my already crushed self-confidence. I went to home-schooling, so i never have the same stress and social pressure. For 4 years i barely had any social contacts.

I try not to look back, but it keeps on bothering me even now in some social situations.

During the summers I'm going to my village and i made some friends there. But i often ended up in situations when they try to tease me(maybe they don't even mean it as offense, but just enough to lower my social status/value). I easily get insulted(i take it as disrespect) and my brain is freezing for a moment, can't think of any responses to shut them up or even if i do they keep on responding and sometimes it turns into a huge "joking" game, which I'm not any good at and it feels like I'm back in school again. However this happens in group of people, it rarely occurs when we are 1on1.

I'd love to hear some responses and even criticism on how to handle this kind of situations properly, because it even keeps me back from joining in gym, i feel like other people will mock me.


[–]colec14 points15 points  (23 children) | Copy Link

The comeback isn't as important as fixing the root--why you are a target.

  1. High school is over. Let it go.
  2. If you think you look like an idiot, you do. Stop thinking you look like an idiot.
  3. Who gives a fuck what anybody thinks.
  4. Thicken your skin a bit. Reacting with poor self esteem makes you...you guessed it...a target.
  5. Learn how to laugh at yourself. When you can goof on yourself better than anyone else, no one else will even try. Self decrepating humor is a must.
  6. Learn the difference between being logical and being emotional. Your whole post is emotional. Get rid of emotional noise. Google how to improve your emotional intelligence.

[–][deleted] 2 points2 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Just get a new set of friends. Social interaction is a very important skill to have, and if you have a good life and good character on your own, you really should never worry about being without company. If you don't like someone, for whatever reason, cut them out of your life.

The other thing you can do is be a "friendly asshole". You basically inconvenience people in a friendly way in response to them making fun of you. For example, if you are at a guys house and he calls you a faggot, just go grab something out of a fridge and eat/drink it, and if he says like "WTF man, thats not yours", jokingly be like " Well, this is what faggots do". And then be like " but really though bro, thanks for sharing".

This has an effect of showing people that you are not afraid of confrontation, and that they should probably stop making fun of you if they don't want further confrontation.

To do this though you have to be 100% confidence. If you appear awkward in any way, people will sense that you are trying to be rebellious.

[–]colec4 points5 points  (19 children) | Copy Link

OK, do everything but #1. There's the fix for it. Trust me.

Try some self decrecating humor. For example, if somebody says, "you're a fag", comeback with, "shit, it's worse than that--I used to get beat up by girls" and learn to laugh at yourself. If you act like a whiny dude, you'll be treated that way. This holds true for the rest of your life.

[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–]RojoEscarlata11 points12 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lift

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Caring too much.

[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

The opposite of caring too much is not being careless. I don't think you understand what I mean when I say you care too much.

[–]alpha_n3rd0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

he probably meant care-free

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Potentially, but I'm not going to assume that.

[–]colec0 points1 point  (10 children) | Copy Link

give some examples...a scenario of how it typically goes.

[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–]colec5 points6 points  (6 children) | Copy Link

sounds to me like normal banter between males...but you comebacks invite another round.

Go back and look at the points I gave you originally. If you want someone to say, "yeah, they're meanies", you came to the wrong place.

you're a fag--figures, I used to get beat up by girls. DONE. They can't top that.

that would explain why you were looking so gay--well, you would know. DONE.

Thicker skin. Laugh at yourself. Stop acting emotional. Be a man.

[–][deleted] 1 points1 points | Copy Link

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[–]colec1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Being serious..I'd goof on you if you had a stick up your ass. Anybody normal would. Those kinds of comebacks are the result of being able to laugh at yourself--a sign of good emotional intelligence. The comedian Jim Norton describes himself as a pathetic human being, but because he can laugh at himself, he's amazing.

I didn't read your post or comebacks as logical. It's all an emotional reaction to something that happened in middle school. Seriously--look on how to improve your emotional intelligence. If you want to become a man, you cannot react emotionally. You'll appear weak and people will take advantage of it.

EDIT: Not appearing weak and vulnerable is how you prevent more rounds. But why would you want to stop? What you decribed is normal, healthy male behavior. Learn to laugh at yourself and it will become normal for you, too.

[–][deleted]  (3 children) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

My general reply to any of this shit would be laughing while saying, "haha Whatever, fuck you dude!" Then start talking about something else.

You give them power by being reactionary and taking it too seriously. That's my opinion anyway

[–]fathak0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Lift. lift moar. toughen up, improve yourself - like other folks here have said, who cares what others think?

[–]rokr12926 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Agree and escalate can work

[–]MrAaaanderson0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's what I do.

[–]JihadDerp5 points6 points  (5 children) | Copy Link

Lift weights 5 days a week and learn Brazilian jiu jitsu. Your confidence will sky rocket.

[–]Iupvoteforknowledge2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy Link

Throw in some Muay Thai and realize you can beat the shit out of anyone in a room outside the gym 95% of the time.

[–]JihadDerp0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not sure why you're getting downvoted. This is absolutely true. It's laughably easy for someone with a modicum of training to dominate someone with no training.

[–]TekkomanKingz0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

I second this. Learn a striking art first then make it complete with a grappling art.

[–]Iupvoteforknowledge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Personally I would learn grappling first if I could go back in time. Most people have zero knowledge on how to grapple effectively and it neutralizes strikers.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I know that this is kinda late, but if you're still looking for any extra advice, I'll give an example of what I do.

I'm sixteen, live in the UK and have just started college. I'm about 5'4. My friends used to make jokes about me being gay, which I'm not, and being a shut in and I eventually managed to shut them down using some TRP tactics without realizing it (I didn't read TRP back then).

Agree and escalate, or turn it on them.

Examples - all of these actually happened.

Friend: You're such a queer (he'd do this occasionally, out of no where.) Me: Stop wishing, faggot. He stopped for a while. Few weeks later, he tried it again, as he greeted me.

Friend: 'Sup, gayboy? Me: Takes one to know one. He had to response. Never tried it again. These two comebacks shut down any of my friends that did that shit instantly, and I know that there are much, much better ones, too.

Then there was the being a shut in. I've never been somebody to go out all the time, because I don't like wasting my time (I'd rather stay home and work on a website than go out and do nothing).

One friend started calling me 'hermit'. Became a nickname of mine. One time, I replied with 'Maybe if you guys were more interesting, I'd come out more.' They stopped. They couldn't get angry at me either, as while it was definitely an insult, I said it in a humorous tone.

When I started college, I'd get teased about my height a bit; I've always had that issue, as I'm pretty fucking short.

An example of one friend I shut down.

Friend: Mordor's that way. (Reference to Lord of the Rings - he was calling me a hobbit.) Me: Short people live longer, dude. It's a blessing. Him: You smoke though. Me: I can quit smoking. You'd have to cut off your legs.

[–]tyofwa1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

because it even keeps me back from joining in gym, i feel like other people will mock me.

I had to jump in on this one. I'm three months into hitting the gym regularly and now my former fat ass is looking better. What was day 1 like? Pretty strange. Here is a room full of machines, weights, and people. Most of them knew what they were doing or at least acted like it. what the hell did I know? I wandered from one thing to the next, not knowing what weight setting to apply... and I felt small, unworthy, and embarrassed. After getting the swing of things it felt more normal, more comfortable, like somewhere I belonged.

I see people every day in the gym fatter, skinnier, weaker, and more timid than I was that 1st day. Like most people in the room, I smile and offer an encouraging & welcoming nod when our eyes contact.

Everyone in that gym started out weaker and in poorer health on their first day

Remember that, and you will never be alone. If you attend a gym with a crowd less empathetic, then find another gym. If you are afraid to walk through the front door for the fear above, then you are COPPING OUT.

If it is imperative that you feel protected, try the following:

  • Make a mental note of the clothes you see and buy similar ones. Simple T Shirts / underArmor with sleeves, loose fitting shorts or sweats, and a pair of hard sole shoes like skateboarding shoes.
  • Get a pair of sport headphones and put on a workout station from Pandora or similar. I like the heavy metal workout, but that's just me. Go into MONK mode -- you are not there to impress anyone and you will not be. You are there to be better than your former self. You are your only competition!
  • Build a routine or get an app with one. StrongLifts 5x5 is terrific. It will help you go from beginner to "cut". Study the lifting videos and practice them in front of a mirror before working out. Good form is essential for your health and confidence.
  • Pick up Ginseng vials from your local Asian grocery. They are $5 for 30 in the pretty box, and taste like sweet crap. Drink 1 with a chaser an hour or more pre-workout. Dont exceed 2 per day.
  • Finish each routine REALLY sweaty. If you aren't, then you didnt work hard and be pissed at yourself.

A couple months in your body will start dumping testosterone into your system at a higher rate than ever before; that alone will boost your confidence and "Alpha" levels. Your clothes will fit better, then they will not fit at all (which is a great thing). People will notice the improvement and your demeanor will change. Your chin and posture will tighten and your eyes will convey confidence. That is the sweet feeling of accomplishment, and it will pervade every interaction you have. Feed on it, get hungry for more, and fit it into your life.

Can you commit to a workout every other day for 60 days? If not then you are still in the complaining stage and not the ACTION stage.

[–]TekkomanKingz0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to hang out with people older than you. This is what always helped me.

[–]lepthymo0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy Link

If it's just banter, which it usually is until you make it something else, consider mom jokes.

Any sexual situation can be steered into "but I still fucked your mom" somehow. That usually ends the exchange too.

[–]developingman0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Brother, you can jump, you can run, you can talk, you can hit, you can read, you can have fun. Now, got it?

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]developingman0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can't but lol

[–]JanLul0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy Link

Interesting comments here. I must add that once you are in such a low social position and you get no respect, changing your attitude and their response is VERY hard. The ironic thing about it is, that you will need to master the skills you lacked in the first place.

So really, don't be discouraged because little changes at your high school. Chances the changes you make will at least will make sure you won't become a target in new environments.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

[deleted]

[–]JanLul0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well unfortunately I don't think I know enough about your situation to give any direct advice. But I can tell you that if we are truly talking about bullying from these classmates where they regularly take you as a target, you will have to mostly rely on your own intelligence to find and conquer the underlying problems. Don't expect your parents or other people in your surrounding to solve your problem as they are most likely incredibly incompetent when it comes to situations like this.

Kids as well as adults target people that are different and show signs of weakness. Thus you need to beware that the consequence of not dealing with the underlying issues may be that in later life you will continuously have social- and work problems due to 'not fitting in'. Don't be scared though, since you are looking for ways to combat this shit you will probably find ways to deal with it.

Most important is that you figure out what it is that you do that apparently triggers these classmates. Don't make the mistake of blaming yourself for this. This definitely is not your fault. Most of the people bullying are generally very insecure. They grab the opportunity to create an 'us vs him' mentality to try to secure their position within the group. Apparently they see you as different and weak. Once you suspect what triggers this situation, you can think of ways to deal with that. This might simply be something like 'working' on your social skills.

Besides doing all of that, you might want to start doing things that boost your confidence. Like 'JihadDerp' said, lifting weights and doing some kind of 'martial art' will greatly improve your confidence over time. I think that having confidence is mainly the key to have people leave you alone. But I am sure that a man like yourself would love to improve in as many ways as possible. I would recommend Jiu Jitsu, as that is a great martial art to learn to deal with a stronger opponent as well as to deal with someone as painless as possible.

Slightly off topic: realise that pretty much everyone involved in this (except for yourself) will downplay what really happened. People that bullied you will claim it was 'just teasing' and the people that were supposed to look out for you will claim it wasn't that bad either. People will be embarrassed for their shortcomings and thus lie to themselves and others. If the bullying was psychological and significant, you might find it hard to deal with later. Focus on self-improvement and it won't be significant. Once you know you can deal with those situations now, you will slowly be able to move on without being a neurotic prick.

I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you'd like.

[–]healious-1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

you missed a lot of the social aspect of high school it sounds like, guys are usually assholes to each other, the closer friends you are, usually the more of an asshole to that person you sound like to an outsider, if its guys giving you shit, just laugh it off and try and give it back even worse, talk about their moms and sisters and shit

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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