TheRedArchive

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Okay, so let me say that I am 19yrs of age and I am in deep shit and not really thinking that I have something to fight for, and worst of all I hate being a mediocre person. However I have fucked up my life real bad and this is how it all goes.

First of all, living with your parents is hard, first you get used to the soft and comfortable lifestyle and then theirs the small territory, everyones crammed up on top of you, and the unstable volatile parents. My dad literally ignores me the whole day. We do not talk about anything.

Second, I do not know if this is classified as a wimp but I never fought in school because I knew it would tarnish my school record when applying for universities, so no suspensions. I still have a hard time being this dominant type if I am in a company of aggressive guys and testosterone driven guys. I prefer to not react than over react and this is mainly because I have read the art of war and understand that violence is not the answer to provocative stuff. I also, if involved in fights start to get real nervous and lose my senses. I also never developed to talk fast and able to shut up people, especially verbally.

But heres the nasty part,

After failing my year 10 class, because I was in a bottom class grade pass, I swear( 0-20%) with the knuckle draggers and the un-mature and with the most un motivated kids in my life, I had to retake this year whilst they all went to get GED or something along these lines. I did well, in this retake year and managed to get all A+/B's and one C in maths. I do not know how I managed to motivate myself to study, but I think this was because I understood that first of all, I really needed to prove to my teachers and mates that I can do this and second of all because I literally did not want to end in a shitty university living a shitty life, and I wanted to break free from that cycle and just be a cool man.

I could go on why I got into this class, is because I never knew studying, didnt know that you should memorise in science, and write in humanities. Didnt know about exam techniques and didnt know that everyone took tuition. Basically I was a stubborn fucking kid. And no, I was not taught math by my parents or helped in getting the grades I wanted. I did it all on my own.

Having this lack of father figure, I decided at a tender age of sixteen that I must enroll in the military, but damn I was young as fuck and thin as fuck. Looked up to the SF guys with all the coolness and mental toughness and physical toughness they had. Bunch of men, all together, respecting each other and helping each other made me wish to be a better human and enroll in the selection. Then I looked at mentors of Olympians athletes and they also helped to shape some part of me of not giving up.

Anyways...months goes on...

Its summer, and I have passed all of my exams. Summer's here but here I am starting to look at porn and seduction. Read about "the game" and started I need this. Started to think that I need to fuck girls and learn porn for science, so I will know all about the anatomy of the girl. Started softcore, then went into regular porn. Anyways I masturbated first at 18 and continued that way....

Summer ends and school starts... The first month, I eyefuck every single girl I like and they eye fuck me back. We exchange contacts and I sit next to them in classes, its like a dream to be honest. I still continue with porn. After one month of heavy porn+summer porn, I weirdly change. I stop exerting confidence and coolness, I no longer make friends and I stop flirting or even showing intentions to the girls. Yet they all wanted to continue to flirt, and there was this little voice of me that said, ignore them and fap away, no need for rumors of you in school being a man whore or something along the lines.

Guess what happened?

I developed this shell that I encapsulate myself and surround myself with. I had my phone with porn and I would fap away at my will. Anyways I didnt study, nor did I even sit down and understand the material that I was doing. I kept masturbating and doing badly in exams. Not a single good grade(E/D) and not a decent sat score 1200/2400 if anyones interested. already at that moment, a heavy porn user. I procrastinated like crazy.

Decided to take a year off, and basically to change myself but that did not happen. Its May already and I haven't changed my habits one bit, I still sleep mega late and wake up very late. I did not work on my studying at all or self discipline. Although I am trying from time to time. I did not manage to get into the university of my dreams and I did not smash any pussy. Infact I was pussyless. Always clingy to my parents and very dependent on them. Did not drive at all and never was in charge of any situations arisen. Fuck I didnt even fill my applications for university because of the brain fog and procrastination that I learnt from porn, that I could always do it next time or another time. Although I bulked up and tried to give it another shot on joining military, I stopped because I decided to devote my time to science and what I lost in school to achieve right now. I have been lifting weights and been kind of bulking up, but still not enough and because of fapping and the lack of hygiene, my face started growing cysts acne and right now I have constant redness and scars on my face. Two years ago, clean as microsoft white sheet. I have aims this summer that I wish to do, like learn more physics and maths. I even got accepted into other universities however because I am/ was clingy and emotionally attached to my parents, I declined living alone in a dorm because I was afraid of hazing or other weird deep shit happening in the middle of the night, although other factors played in like I did not want to get into a mediocre university to study away from my parents, I wanted to get into USC etc…

Also the thing that got to me, that I always yearned to travel and be a successful kid and I dreaded into getting into a shitty university , yet because of porn, I blew it all away. I have no money and no, my parents didnt save up on me for tuition aid…they are also already in debt and basically I am in this low level point of life. If I decide to study in a university, it would be financial rape and if I do it would be at a shitty university where people are stupid and ugly and they were basically bad acheivers in school without any aspirations. I have no idea what to do or how I can change my life around. I believe i am addicted, and although I want this bad enough, I do not have the energy to fight this and i have no energy to keep going and believing in a black void and yet I do not want to quit. No I shall keep going although it will be hell, well all because of porn, I am in this shithole.

How can I change ? I am really sick of this...


[–]sharp73 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

You need to get away from your parents. You will never grow up otherwise. They will even resist you leaving probably. But you have to.

Going to college is fine socially. Hazing is less than high school because there are so many people no one cares about any one specific person. The real key to prevent hazing is to build your social circle which you need to do regardless to develop yourself. Start with whoever you can get. As a loser you'll probably only be able to befriend other losers. And that's fine. Improve together.

Financially as long as you major in something profitable like something in engineering you will be okay. You can pay off your loans after. It doesn't matter if most of your school is dumb people. Being at the top of a dumb school is better than being average in a better school in many ways especially psychologically. Better schools are also needlessly more expensive. Also you're dumb too. Stop pretending your smart. Your mom and other family members tell you your smart? Until you actually learn useful skills and demonstrate them you are worthless.

Fapping less definitely helps but it is also a symptom of your problems. You are an undeveloped spoiled child who didn't learn how to stand up without your parents. When you fix your problems and develop discipline in general fapping less will be easy.

Join a sport. The tougher the sport the better. The more scary the sport seems the more you should do it.

[–]blamewhitey780 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

Find an awesome MMA school and start learning how to fight. Concentrate on this step only for a couple months. You will develop confidence and will then be able to take other steps to better your life. The team spirit will help keep you motivated, its much better than going to the gym alone to lift weights. I've been in MMA for two years now, and I started late, I'm already 37, but it helped get me out of a serious rut. Learn to kick somebody's ass and all other things will improve.

[–]thechaosz[🍰] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I would of killed to have my dad ignore me and not talk. He's a fucking Omega who still haunts me to this day and never left me alone. I still hate everything about him, and even at Mothers day dinner just about walked out.

You can draw strength from this, or possibly be thankful

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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