How do you stay physically attracted to the same girl after 5+ years? (self.asktrp)

submitted by ask_trp

Or 10? Or 20? Is it even possible?

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, living together for the past 2. Even though my overall sex drive hasn't decreased, my desire to have sex with her has basically fallen off a cliff. It's gotten to the point where we only bang a few times a week, and most of the time I'm mainly doing it out of a sense of guilt or obligation. This is despite the fact that she's a solid 8/10 and will do literally anything I tell her in bed. I honestly have no idea what we could change that would help. She hasn't gained weight or gotten out of shape, the physical attraction just... isn't there anymore.

What makes it even more confusing is the fact that I could easily bang the shit out of a 5/10 that I'd be too embarrassed to tell anyone about, but my girlfriend could be gargling my balls in her hottest lingerie and my dick wouldn't even flinch.

[–]sadnesspickle 10 points11 points  (3 children)

[–]fitnessacctasdf 2 points3 points  (1 child)

the Coolidge effect also occurs in females. Their experiment, which used hamsters instead of rats

fuckin' lol

[–]sadnesspickle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know, right?

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 32 points33 points  (31 children)

There's nothing wrong with you. Strict monogamy isn't natural, which is why society tries so hard to make you think otherwise. It's why throughout history, there was a legal structure around it accompanied by severe punishment. It's why they used the fear of god's wrath to enforce it. Men need variety. No amount of counseling or communication is going to change this. You can't negotiate desire.

In addition I believe that LTR's of your duration have little to no use outside of children.

If you don't want to have sex with her anymore, just leave. However, given your situation, you have to keep up appearances and leave the situation strategically. Get your finances in order, secretly find a new place, then let her down gently AFTER (you don't want false accusations or complications). Don't say "I'm no longer sexually attracted to you". If you do, you'll get in an unnecessary argument about negotiating desire via sexual exploration, she will probably ask if you've been cheating, and down tangents you will go. Say something along the lines of "We need to talk.... Our time together has been great, but the spark is gone. The feelings just aren't there anymore. I loved the time we have spent together and you are wonderful, but I believe it's time we split."

[–]GC0W30 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Good advice.

I'd also suggest OP consider moving out BEFORE telling her, possibly at the next lease signing interval.

Wait until she's taking a trip to see family, maybe take the day off work, act like you're going to work, and then roll up with the U-Haul the moment you can confirm she's at work.

Might be needless, but he should consider moving THEN telling her, with consideration for her risk of violence, drama, false accusations, whatever. Domestic violence counselors tell chicks to do this all the time, and it is sometimes needed.

[–]elduckbell 10 points11 points  (0 children)

In addition I believe that LTR's of your duration have little to no use outside of children.

I believe there's also an evolutionary basis for this. If she's not popping out babies within a couple years, our bodies start saying "I'm wasting my time. This woman is obviously not fertile."

[–]ask_trp[S] 5 points6 points  (25 children)

Strict monogamy isn't natural

Yeah, I think my last hope (aside from ending it like you said) is to convince her of that and get permission to have strictly physical relationships outside our own. Probably about as likely as winning the lottery at this point though.

And I'm sure she'll think it's only "fair" if she gets to do the same thing, even though the actual female equivalent is just having a bunch of sexless beta orbiters... which they all have anyway.

[–]InscrutablePUA 8 points9 points  (12 children)

You really think you'll be OK with random dudes plowing your girl?

If you answered yes, the answer is actually no. Every guy who gets into an 'open' relationship regrets it when they see how much dick their girl is sucking down.

If you can somehow finagle an arrangement where you fuck other girls but she stays monogamous then go for it. That's like the holy grail.

[–]ask_trp[S] 15 points16 points  (3 children)

You really think you'll be OK with random dudes plowing your girl?

Nope, I was just saying that her innate female inability to logically comprehend relationships would lead her to the false conclusion that Guy fucking other girls = girl fucking other guys.

The truth is much closer to Guy fucking other girls = girl with beta orbiters. A man who cheats is giving his least valuable asset (dick) away. But a woman who cheats is giving up her most valuable asset (pussy).

[–]ioncehadsexinapool 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Damn son. I always knew it wasn't exactly equal but I could never really put it in to words. You just said what I've been trying to say for a long time. Like, you think it was a coincidence a few thousand years ago plenty of guys had multiple wives?

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice and succint. Have sex with the other girls out of sight out of mind, but she's the only girl you hand out with and provide for. Make sure she knows she's the main as comfort. If she finds out about the others, hold frame and dont give in. But obviously don't tell why this is okay in the words you described. And dont say the pre-selection and dread game will keep her in check, that would go along the lines of explaining female nature to women

[–]StarDestinyGuy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow - that's absolutely correct. Never connected that thought.

I'm trying to think of a way to explain it so that even non-RP people would agree with it.

[–]Freiling 1 point2 points  (6 children)

If you answered yes, the answer is actually no. Every guy who gets into an 'open' relationship regrets it when they see how much dick their girl is sucking down.

Not necessarily true. It never bothered me, and it was worth the freedom on my side. In fact, almost every dude reminded her why she was with me in the first place.

[–]InscrutablePUA 4 points5 points  (5 children)

How did things turn out? I've never heard of an open relationship going back to a closed status with both participants happy about the outcome. A permanently open relationship is not a real LTR.

[–]Freiling 1 point2 points  (4 children)

How did things turn out?

Not bad. I ended up breaking up with her for unrelated reasons.

I've never heard of an open relationship going back to a closed status with both participants happy about the outcome.

I haven't tried closing a relationship before. Have not run into the need to do so yet, but I don't rule out the possibility.

A permanently open relationship is not a real LTR.

That's your opinion.

[–]the_Milkweed -1 points0 points  (3 children)

His narrow definition of an ltr shows how insecure him and others here are.

[–]NihilDicoAmplius 1 point2 points  (2 children)

sounds like feminist shaming rethorics to me

[–]Freiling 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You sound like a conspiracy theorist to me.

[–]the_Milkweed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just simple and one track minded.

[–]Linrraba 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe something inbetween. What about the swinging comunity?

[–]stonefit 2 points3 points  (9 children)

At which point you need to have an honest conversation with yourself - are you cool with other dudes dicks plunging her soft taint, which belongs to you and you alone?

[–]ask_trp[S] 9 points10 points  (8 children)

Hell no. What I meant to say was that only women believe a traditional open relationship is actually fair.

A man who gives his dick to other women is giving them his least valuable asset. A woman who gives her pussy to other men is giving up her most valuable asset. There's nothing fair about that exchange.

A truly fair open relationship (imo) would be one where the man is allowed to fuck other women while his own woman is allowed to have beta orbiters. In that scenario, they're both giving away their least valuable assets (his dick, her commitment) in exchange for the other party's most valuable assets (the other female's pussy, and the other male's time, attention, validation, favors, etc.)

[–]berryfarmer 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Islam has this figured out.

[–]the_Milkweed -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

.... What? Stfu

[–]chaseemall 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He's not wrong. Limited polygamy is actually a system which allows for rapid-ish evolutionary change and alleviates the Coolidge Effect for those men able to reproduce.

Certain Islamic societies practice this. The downside is that in the current societies in which Islam is practiced, you see a bunch of men with no hope for families and children, leaving them ripe for radicalization.

[–]berryfarmer -2 points-1 points  (4 children)


[–]the_Milkweed -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

I bet that made you feel good.

[–]berryfarmer -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

Truth always makes me feel good

[–]the_Milkweed -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Bitches love feelings

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My girl and I solved the problem with swinging. It's been amazing.

[–]Linrraba 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Didn't read your coment before posting. Ive never been to but know some people who did and really enjoyed. I was ridiculed when I talk to some friends about considering doing it, though.

[–]InscrutablePUA -1 points0 points  (1 child)

At first glance this seems harsh to me, but this is exactly the kind of advice women would give to another woman without second thought, even if the woman had cheated and lied. There's no obligation for anyone to stay in a relationship. Expect lots of tears though.

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Any relationship you derive no benefit from should cease immediately. This is not a female thing, it's a self-respect thing.

[–]SlothOnRoids 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I like to imagine looking at my girl from another mans perspective and how much I'd like to fuck her if I didn't know her, if that makes any sense to you. I totally understand how you feel though, I've been with the same girl for over 4 years and haven't strayed.

[–]alpha_n3rd 32 points33 points  (1 child)

no self respecting man would fuck my wife...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Marriage is a hell of a beast

[–]rattamahatta 24 points25 points  (5 children)

Cut out the porn.

[–]ask_trp[S] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

I wish it was that simple. The only porn I've watched in the past year is either stuff we've made together or something we're watching together. The latter isn't very frequent though.

[–]Endorsed Contributor: "The Court Jester"GayLubeOil 43 points44 points  (0 children)

You should post links here for science

[–]rattamahatta 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Ah Ok, it was worth a shot. What can I tell you. It's normal that you lose attraction after 5 years, but I have no idea what you could do about it. I mean, maybe, in a way, you're unhappy with yourself, too? Can't make love to another person if you're not loving yourself. Are you the best version of yourself you could possibly be?

I'm guessing from personal experience here, I'm curious as to what other people suggest.

[–]dapowa -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

For science.

[–]PoopInMyBottom 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is pretty common. My theory is that when you repeatedly sleep with someone and it doesn't result in children after a number of years, your body implicitly starts to suspect that they are infertile.

There's nothing you can do.

[–]ProspectiveQuant 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wish we could swap lives... I only ever find non-monogamous whores somehow.

But I'm miswired, and naturally only become increasingly attracted to a single person the more I know them.

[–]GuitarHero07 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Get yourself a mistress. Maybe you could bang out some high end escorts every now and again. Find reasons to travel unaccompanied. We've all heard of business executives fucking their secretaries.

As others have said, it's only natural for men to have the desire to fuck other women. But at the same time, you'll probably want a "good girl" to be your LTR/wife. Throughout history it was quite normal for kings and nobles to have wives but also mistresses and/or concubines.

[–]MrFuckupKing 7 points7 points [recovered]

I lose interest after 5 months and I'm amazed when men keep a life long interest in the same woman.

I think it partly goes to temperament. My sexuality has always had a strong predatory side where I experience it like hunting an animal and capturing it and I have never been able to move beyond this desire as part of my sexuality.

I'm like a dog that must chase cars but if the car stops it than quickly loses interest. My sexuality is very primal and primitive. There is nothing enlightened or civilized about my sexuality. It is raw and instinctual.

This of course makes monogamy impossible for me and I have simply accepted it.

Other men seem to be able to bond long term and have wife googles so have little to no interest in being with other women.

These men live on the opposite end of the spectrum from me.

Know where you fall on this spectrum between being predatory versus having wife googles.

Predatory sounds evil, immoral or abusive but I am simply describing a psychological stance or place on the sexual spectrum. An acknowledgement and acceptance of what I am.

I have never raped a woman in any shape or form or abused one for that matter. I'm very respectful of people but I simply walk a different path from most. I am built for seduction not commitment.

Accept your sexuality because there is little you can do to change it.

One possible change for those who want monogamy (but don't) is to introduce some form of BDSM into your sexual relations because it taps into many of the instincts that create profound sexual arousal for both men and women.

Educate yourself because this is some serious psychological shit to play around with.

It has many layers and can be like walking across a minefield that can destroy your humanity if you make one misstep.

Jumping in without learning about it is like giving a loaded gun to a child. Approach it with humility because it is very powerful.

[–]PoliCock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can you pass any BDSM intros, or just general sources which educated you, my way? I would greatly appreciate it.

I like what you say about accepting your sexuality. It is somewhat like the concept of the shadow in Jung. Somewhat.

[–]sunwukong155 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You just have to live an exciting led and be unpredictable. If you're still doing the same old things you were 5 years ago there is no way she'll stay interested. Same goes for you. She is gonna bore you after awhile.

Go on a vacation together. Find a new hobby, learn to make music or a fighting sport. You know what gives girls the tingles, find it, do it, live life and love it.

[–]wont_tell_i_refuse 3 points4 points  (1 child)

A wig might help. Could get weird and make her insecure if you make her wear it all the time, but hey fuck it.

I had a similar situation with a virgin 10 and I just left.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You looked at for a map

[–]Squeezymypenisy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spend more time apart and go do more exciting things. Roleplay is a good one. Get costumes. Do bondage. Or if you literally don't like her anymore then figure out a way to gently dump her. What's your average day like?

[–]InscrutablePUA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Check your testosterone. If your dick gets hard for other girls then yeah you have a problem.

Have you tried changing up the sex? Doing it in public, on your car, in the library. Role playing is good too.

[–]LegElbow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're losing attraction to her the person. I don't think a man can ever be tired of a hot body but he can be tired of her shit. So much shit that it negates her positives.

Hot girls everywhere have ex boyfriends because someone, somewhere is tired of their shit.

I don't agree that LTRs are not natural. I think they can be, for the right reasons. You just gotta find a girl that meet your core needs. Sex/attraction is just one aspect.

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is a difference between being bored of someone, and being starved for variety.

Try cheating on her. If this reignites your desire for her, then you're a perfectly normal and healthy male... most of us need a little strange now and again.

If you're excited by the new girl, but still not by her, there's a problem which you haven't consciously realized yet.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Few times a week is more than enough. I usually only have time for once per two weeks

[–]RedDeadlift 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am going through a very similar scenario. 4 year LTR. She's a solid 8, great personality, works out, eats healthy, working hard in school, does not seek validation on social media, we see each other about once a week, do fun, new, interesting activities, we talk about worthwhile topics, but after 4 years, I have nearly zero attraction to her.

I don't watch porn, I meditate, lift regularly, when I see other chicks (6-7s even), I am turned on like crazy.

I think /u/MrFuckupKing hit the nail on the head. I love the hunt for a new chick and the thrill of winning her over.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, fuck. I'm in the same shoes as you are right now. My girl is awesome, but I'm just starting to feel bored. There is nothing exciting anymore.

[–]raceAround126 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I'm honest, that's her job more than it is yours.

If she's starfishing, then who's going to get turned on by that? If she has new lingerie arriving every other week and thinking of new ways to extract your manly sex juice in new and interesting ways, then that's problem solved really.

There is also the prospect of your attraction has run out of steam. Familiarity breeds contempt.

That's all I could muster. I'm afraid I've not been in that position. My LTR was dead bedroom for 8 years and most of my plates I have simply moved on when they started pushing the psycho button. So take my advice with a pinch of salt.

[–]chaseemall 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One of the things that Patrice would talk about is that having threesomes would make him like his girl more afterward.

See if you can't get your girl into that. Look up Black Phillip episodes for more info.

[–]wehadtosaydickety 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've had the same problem. I had some success making an effort to keep things new, e.g. Being more aggressive, new positions. It can be easy to fall into a routine with a girl. When I keep her on her toes a little it makes it more exciting for me because it's new for her, so a little similar to fucking her the first time.

[–]neptunesunrise 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex-boyfriend and I used to sleep with girls together. It was a team effort of fucking and chucking lol. I'd meet guys on the side too, but it was never necessary to mention them because the agreement was balanced.

Monogamy is rough though. I don't have any advice.

[–]FreyWill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do some drugs together, best way to reinvigorate a sex life

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that you have to just submit to the fact that you won't find her as attractive as time goes by. If you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, it's going to have to be someone with virtues beside from beauty. The sex part can't be the most important part of the relationship.

[–]JamesSkepp -1 points0 points  (0 children)

living together for the past 2

Do you have an opportunity to miss eachother. Literally and figuratively. How much time do you spend together, in the proximity of house?

And a more unconventional approach - if you masturbate - what turns you on? What's the fantasy, both the girl and the situation?

And lastly, the easiest and the most "brutal" explanation (paraphrasing something I read few years back): "Aren't you afraid she's going to get bored of you?" - "No, I'm afraid I will get bored of her" aka. seems like we men ("bad bad male") like variety as much as girls do "(just explore your feelings girl").

[–]Sw1tch72 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Do you watch porn and or jerk off very often?

How much time do you two spend apart?

[–]Freiling -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Spend time apart.

[–]redpillbanana -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I've noticed that I'm able to see the same woman for many years if she's part of a plate rotation or even the main plate. When you're switching between different girls and have a pipeline of new girls coming in, it keeps things fresh.

After having sex with girl A with the D cups, you start to look forward to girl B's nice spinner body while thinking of girl C's amazing lips on your cock.

If you eat filet mignon every day, you'll get sick of it. Rotate in a large variety of other dishes and it can remain a special treat for you.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Maybe tell her to try a new haircolour...I don't know


[–]GunnarX -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Dread her into lifting.