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Red Pill TheoryTACTICAL EMPATHY: Negotiating as a tool from a former FBI Lead Hostage Negotiator. (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by TheRedPillRipper

"Tactical Empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you increase your influence in all the moments that follow."

Chris Voss with Tahl Raz, Never Split The Difference

There's a good post about life being transactional which spurred me to write about this book I recently finished. Life is transactional; so learn how to get what you want out of it.

NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE

I picked up this book is solely because I love a bargain. I approached buying/negotiating with a logical plan that had served me well and always thought that was the best approach. Until I read this book. Now if you've read this book you'll know exactly what's so good about it; if you haven't; add it to your reading list.

Voss's premise flips what I thought (and experienced) to be the best approach to negotiating on its head. The approach he espouses is based on first understanding, then utilising their emotional mindset of your counterpart to manoeuvre their logical/rational side towards what you want.

ACTIVE LISTENING

Through Active Listening you give yourself the best opportunity to access your counterpart's emotional mindset and understand it. Voss delves into it deeper but the main thing takeaway for me was that listening, and doing so well is the first step to establishing your influence on a negotiation/interaction.

Once you've ascertained a firm grasp of your counterpart's emotions/feelings the next step is to employ empathy tactically to steer the outcome of the negotiation towards your goal.

TACTICAL EMPATHY

Tactical Empathy is described as The Centrepiece of the book. In any negotiation or interaction it's the foundation from which grows the framework of techniques and processes to get you what you want. Put simply it's the ability to perceive, understand, then rationalise the perspective of another person. Vocalising and repeating their point of view back to them then further increases your position of influence during the negotiation/interaction. Voss delves into techniques such as mirroring, labelling and calibrated questions to frame negotiations/interactions in a manner were your counterpart feels like working towards your goals is their idea.

APPLICATION IN THE SMP

Tactical Empathy utilised in this interpretation can make navigating The SMP so much easier. Imagine by simply listening, then acting on the information you gain to influence anyone and everyone towards your own ends? What could you accomplish? Whether it's cold approaching, escalating, or just buying a rug; honing your negotiating skills is something I’d encourage all of us to undertake.

Whether you're negotiating a raise or where to after closing; learning then applying the principles in this book could help you get what you want.

CAVEAT

As in any and all negotiation the ultimate power belongs to the one willing to walk away. NEVER GIVE IT UP.


[–]daytonbull90 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I have this book, it's a book on sales, and sales goes hand-in-hand with your game. 10/10 would recommend.

[–]halfback910 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Voss's premise flips what I thought (and experienced) to be the best approach to negotiating on its head. The approach he espouses is based on first understanding, then utilising their emotional mindset of your counterpart to manoeuvre their logical/rational side towards what you want.

As someone who does a lot of negotiation for a living, I can tell you this does not play out the way you want it to when you get to higher level negotiations. This is what we call "parlor tricks" or "mind games". The problem with parlor tricks is three-fold:

1: Nobody ever falls for the same parlor trick twice. Everyone knows the fucking quarter is in his hand, not behind your ear, the second time right?

2: You're not acting in good faith. That destroys your credibility. Acting in bad faith is always, always, always a net loss move in business. Businesses who do not act in good faith always fucking pay for it.

3: They may work on someone who's totally untested, but they won't phase a veteran for a second.

While I agree with tactical empathy as a concept in negotiation, none of this really matters a whole lot. 80-90% of a negotiation is preparation and doing work beforehand. Even a halfway decent negotiator can capitalize on an information advantage and come out ahead of the best negotiator in the world because of it. Imagine a novice poker player going up against a pro, but the novice poker player gets to see the pro's hand. Yeah, he's a pro, but he's still going to get slaughtered. That's what an information advantage is in negotiation.

People think negotiation is much more glamorous than it really is. It's not men in suits with poker faces, intrigue, maneuvering, and subterfuge. It's like... 90% excel spreadsheets and asking for quotes.

[–]TheRedPillRipper[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

As someone who does a lot of negotiation for a living, I can tell you this does not play out the way you want it to when you get to higher level negotiations.

Thanks for commenting u/halfback910. If you're up for it want to add more tips or tricks that might help?

80-90% of a negotiation is preparation and doing work beforehand.

In the book Voss does state you fall to your highest level of preparation but I wasn't going to summarise it all. I've always been a rigorous planner; especially as a consumer yet I'd never really thought to account for the emotional factors; both those of my counterpart and even my own. That's why being Tactically Empathetic, along with being goal orientated spoke volumes.

Even a halfway decent negotiator can capitalize on an information advantage and come out ahead of the best negotiator in the world because of it.

I think the focus of the book is on the skills to optimise the information/data collation and analysis aspect then the skills necessary to transform that data into an advantage.

Imagine a novice poker player going up against a pro, but the novice poker player gets to see the pro's hand. Yeah, he's a pro, but he's still going to get slaughtered. That's what an information advantage is in negotiation.

I'm presuming here so tell me if I'm wrong but Voss argues the principles he used in hostage negotiating are transferable to business. I'd compare your analogy to say the novice going against the pro; but instead of seeing the pro's hand he uses the principles in the book to gain an information advantage. Similar to Voss only using the skills he has to negotiate a safe hostag

The point of the post is to highlight that if these skills are transferrable to business then why not across to The SMP too? To get people thinking laterally when approaching negotiations and interactions. Using different points of view to widen our own.

Thanks for contributing. Hoping you'll add more.

On a separate note; ever read Gregan's Half Back Half Forward?

[–]halfback910 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually made a post on it here before. I'll PM it to you because the bot removes any links. Including links within the subreddit.

[–]MEANMUTHAFUKA 47 points48 points  (1 child)

Deplomacy is the art of letting the other person have your way.

[–]randomtask2005 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This is massively important to business dealings with pretty much every coworker, supervisor and subordinate you will ever meet. The best part about this technique, is you don't have to actually be naturally skilled for it to make you more successful at life.

It's as important as being skilled at optics in terms of long term success.

I'll grab a copy for myself to learn a bit more.

[–]ArgoKnot4d 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Found this book on YouTube as an audiobook. Great book; I'm on my second listen through.

[–]FrankCostanza111 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Funny timing, I just finished this audiobook a couple of weeks ago. And it has already served me well in business and personal life.

I had a job interview recently where I had to disclose my less-than-ideal departure from a previous position. It was a case of lying on pre-employment applications and some pretty bad stuff.

I lead with an "accusation audit" like Voss teaches. I told my boss-to-be, "So, when I tell you about how I left that job, you may think I'm the worst guy in the world. You may think I'm completely unhireable, the worst, and you wouldn't want to touch me with a 10ft stick." I then went on to explain what happened, taking full responsibility for my previous actions.

I was shocked at how well he received the information, and he ended up verbally offering me the position.

I also used Voss's techniques to get someone to say "yes, that's right" and establish trust that I understand their position. It wasn't even a formal negotiation, but someone didn't want to do something for me that they had previously agreed to. My initial impulse was to get upset, and berate them for changing their mind. Instead I remembered Voss's audiobook, and collected my thoughts. The most important thing upfront is to make the other party feel heard. They need to feel like I understand their wants and issues.

The negotiation began as a disagreement between options A and B. I ended up creating option C, something that would both satisfy them and me at the same time but wasn't really thought of as being a possibility prior to the discussion.

[–]red_philosopher 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Negotiation is finding their needs, showing them how you can benefit them to fulfill those needs, and sealing the deal. That's all it is. Show understanding if they balk by paraphrasing or empathizing, and then asking if that's correct. If that's correct, show them how you can benefit them and fulfill that need or cancel the concern.

How to Sell 101.

Selling yourself is just as much an art as selling a pencil.

[–]dumbkidaccount 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I Will download a pdf later and read it

[–]BlackBaby_Jesus -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

How to be manipulative 101

[–]garythegoatsghost 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Alternatively, how to recognize and defend against manipulation 101.

[–]BlackBaby_Jesus 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Fair

[–]Senior Endorsed Contributormax_peenor 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is incorrect. Women are manipulative in completely different ways. They are particularly gifted and it comes far more naturally to them. Men have to study it to be any good. Since everyone is manipulative, it's important to be good at it lest you come off as a psychopath or a sperg.

Furthermore, people LIKE to be manipulated. It simultaneously relieves them of responsibility and makes them feel good. Allowing it to happen is fundamentally weak. So while it's a nice little kick, just like easting too many cookies or snorting too much coke, it has a dramatic negative impact on your SMV in the long haul.

Let the spergs and Bradleys wallow in their manipulated state. They love it. They also don't fuck with expenditure of resources.