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Red Pill TheoryThe key to relationship happiness is reasonable expectations (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by 3CainPrice

Summary: The title of this post is literally the summary of this post.


The number one cause of unhappiness for men in relationships, whether casual or serious, is expectations. A man is surprised, and often hurt, when a woman behaves in an unexpected manner. This can take the form of a girlfriend who is supposed to be sexually interested in you and treat you well rejecting you sexually for a lengthy period of time and acting like a bitch. This can take the form of a woman who is supposed to be loyal to you and invested in her relationship with you cheating on you or leaving you suddenly. This can take the form of you behaving in a way that you believe ought to generate interest in a woman, and that women rejecting you and not being interested.

You might say that it’s not the women that are making us unhappy, but we, as men, that are making ourselves unhappy by having unreasonable expectations. If you think back to the last ten times you were mad at a woman, each time, your unhappiness probably stemmed from the fact that the woman failed to meet an expectation you had of her. Sure, sometimes, the expectation you had was perfectly reasonable and your anger was justified. But other times, looikng back and being honest with yourself, maybe you should have known better. Maybe you even saw the signs and knew better about her but didn’t want to adjust your expectations.

For example, every once in awhile, a reader of The Red Pill asks when and how he should tell a girl that their casual relationship is just casual, primarily for the sex. A lot of the time, the girl hasn’t even brought up the relationship question yet. But the man in this case expects that the woman is secretly pining for more and wants a relationship with him, and he wants to preemptively address that. In other cases, the man might actually want a relationship himself but not want to be the one who suggests it, so he’s hoping to spur her into suggesting it. In either case, the man expects the woman to want a relationship with him and wants to confront her about their non-relationship to validate himself that she was interested in a relationship. The fact that she was just enjoying the sex for what it was deviates from the expectation he had of her, and his feelings were a little hurt. He thought he was the powerful one, stringing along a woman into giving him what he wanted, but it turns out she was getting exactly what she wanted, too, and maybe they shared the power.

As another example, very often, a reader of The Red Pill complains that his girlfriend is behaving badly, either by how she treats him poorly and doesn’t have sex with him well or often enough, or by how she’s on her phone 24-7 and constantly hiding it when he walks by and is suspiciously staying late at work 6 nights a week. He will explain in a lengthy, 10-paragraph post, how great his girlfriend has been to date and how special she is and refuse to see the signs. Instead of kicking back and enjoying the sex and how she makes him feel, he has begun constructing this giant box of expectations for her in his mind and trying to shove her into that box. Really, he’s looking for the perfect wife, and when his girlfriend (usually of three months or some other ludicrously short period of time) deviates from his unreasonable perfect wife expectations, instead of taking this at face value enjoying his relationship for what it is, he is hurt when his expectations aren’t met.

The entire blue pill premise that men were brought up to believe hurts us due to our false expectations. We thought that we were supposed to meet a girl, get to know her, become friends, grow to like each other over time, start dating, become boyfriend and girlfriend, get really serious about each other, then start having sex. That’s what we expected the game to be. That’s how we expected to get girls. We expected to behave in this way and for women to respond with interest. But women didn’t conform to those expectations. Instead, women were meeting other guys and jumping right into casual sex with them, without requiring emotional intimacy. And in some cases, women were falling head over heels for these guys who just wanted sex. In others, the women weren’t developing feelings and were just enjoying fun sex with guys they didn’t even want to date. This completely violated all of the expectations we had regarding women, sex, and relationships, and we felt hurt and angry.

When you find yourself unhappy about a woman, look at yourself first. Figure out what you’re angry about. Figure out what you expected of the woman and how she failed to meet your expectations. The majority of the time, you will find that the reason you’re unhappy is you. You expected something unreasonable from a woman. You’ve found The Red Pill now. You knew what she was like, what women are like, and all of the things, good or bad, that could have happened, but you constructed these expectations in your mind anyway.

Happiness comes when we stop looking for our future wife and just let the women we enjoy be the women they are. Enjoy the sex, enjoy their company, enjoy how they make us feel and how they feel about us. Sometimes they behave badly, sometimes they behave well, sometimes they move on, sometimes we move on. Just take it all at face value, confident that if she moves on or if you’re ready to move on, there are other women to enjoy. If you fixate on trying to imagine today’s woman as your future wife, you’re going to miss countless opportunities to enjoy today’s woman today.


[–]2chazthundergut 66 points67 points  (7 children)

The key to relationship happiness is PERSONAL happiness

You are the King. Your happiness comes first. Prioritize your own happiness, and it will trickle down from you to her.

Happy wife, happy life is a fucking lie. Chicks have no idea how to be happy, and certainly no idea (or desire) to make YOU happy. Put yourself first. That is the key.

[–]3CainPrice[S] 31 points32 points  (4 children)

There's nothing wrong with a happy wife, but that usually comes as a by-product of you being an amazing man. Happy women are much easier to deal with than the opposite.

There's also nothing wrong with doing things, within reason, that please a woman. If a woman is fucking your brains out with amazing quality and frequency, and is incredibly good to you outside of the bedroom, too, there's nothing wrong with treating her well.

Hell, that woman should be treated like a queen - but not like you're her servant. She should be treated like a queen, and you're her king.

[–]xRedShadowx 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Right on. Happy me, happy we is a better mantra to strive for.

If she treats you like her king, then she can be treated like a queen. A woman that marries the king becomes the queen. What does a man that marries a queen become?

[–]omega_dawg93 3 points4 points  (0 children)

he becomes her husband, and he answers to her or deals with her 'power' that comes from the people she controls.

another way to look at it is like this...

women are driven by their emotions, and it's a daily roller coaster ride. happiness is fleeting and they don't know how to grab, maintain, or keep happiness flowing. their default position is random thoughts + drama + other people's business, etc.

so when you put YOUR happiness in her hands, not only is she trying to grasp what she has trouble attaining for herself, she's now in-charge of attaining happiness for you too.

they do NOT want that responsibility. they know that if they have a bad day, they can't dump all that shit on you because you literally depend on her (for your happiness). it's too much for them; you are seen as needy and lacking in confidence.

so, seek your happiness and when she starts dumping all her shit on you to help her find her happiness, don't give advice, don't ignore... just listen. don't say much except, "oh yeah... really... how dare they... etc." after she calms down, rub her head and grab her ass... take her for some baskin robbins.

[–]InstigatingDrunk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i like this. will use this going forward lol.

[–]2chazthundergut 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I didn't say mistreat your woman.

I said put your own happiness first.

Men are naturally more generous and kind to women. But women who have the upper hand are usually cold and abusive shrews. When is the last time you heard of a chick putting her man's happiness before hers, when she is the one with power in the relationship? Hypergamy makes this impossible to her. Not that she isn't a nice person. Chicks are simply hardwired to test men and break us down. So never put your happiness in the hands of a woman. Happiness flows downward from you. Like love. Man > Woman > Child > Dog

If you do the things that make you happy, and you set boundaries to ensure your own happiness in the relationship, your woman will be much better off in the long run. And happier too.

"That woman should be treated like a queen"

Correct. As the legendary Partice said, at the end of the day, the queen is still the King's bitch. Be a benevolent King if you want. But be a King.

[–]Nostaljick 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My girl tells me how happy she is all the time.

Although initially it wasn't easy.

She's hot so she was used to men doing everything to get her attention and impress her. Tried playing that on me too but i was also super open with her about my sexual history of fucking girls just like her if not hotter on a daily basis.

Framed it up so she knew she wasn't special and if she wanted to stand out from the crowd and be the one who sticks around that she needs to get her shit together and not be a lazy ass around the house while i pay for everything. If she's gonna do that i might as well just go back to having a maid and random whores.

She wasn't happy about it at first and blamed her unhappiness on me.

I gamed her over time. Now she cooks, cleans, does laundry and trains daily. And big surprise she's happy and her friends are jealous of our relationship. Had to train a bitch.

Just remember, he who makes the gold makes the rules.

[–]gbdoragnic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

TO be happy you must get what you want, and that includes getting women , once you understand they are easy to get, you will become more and more picky , until you get exactly what you are looking for

[–]TheUnReasonableMan44 18 points19 points  (2 children)

The person or group that has the least amount of interest in continuing a relationship has the most power over it.

The key to relationship happiness is not caring about the relationship. When you no longer give a fuck about it and you just care about your happiness in general, you'll be in a much better position to have a successful relationship, in what ever way you want to have it.

I once had a guy explain the following analogy to me. He had been raised in church and his pastor used to teach that we are all like jars full of water. In order to be happy this pastor would teach that you needed to pour your water out into other people so that you would have room in your jar for others to pour into you.

In the context of an "others first", sacrificial religion like Christianity, this makes sense. The entire belief system is based on sacrificing for others.... But this guy had an observation at some point: Other people suck and are selfish assholes.

He spent a chunk of his life "pouring" into others and never getting back from them. So he spent all his time feeling unfulfilled. It wasn't until he changed the paradigm that he found happiness.

He decided that he wouldn't depend on others for is happiness. Instead he decided to "pour" into his own jar first and make sure he was always full. By doing so what he found was that he would actually be "overflowing" into the people around him, thereby bringing them happiness too.

So you want to be happy in a relationship?

Stop caring about it. Make your life the priority and be happy on your own. Then let the overflow of your happiness affect those around you.

[–]shaggyctes88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nietzsche would call this "slave morality" the idea of a social group based on sacrificing yourself for the majority, pure utilitarianism and the death of oneself.

[–]Ihatemoi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This could be easily turn into a separated post. I have never heard before of that principle, but makes perfect sense.

Thank you for bringing sociology and common sense into the table.

[–]Irtotallynotrobot 8 points9 points  (4 children)

This describes my last blue pill experience perfectly. It's good to look back and see that it wasn't her fault but mine. It's easier to let that resentment go towards the girl that turned you to TRP when you look inwards and accept the real problem for what it was; appreciating the way you've grown instead of cursing the experience.

[–]3CainPrice[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Exactly. Even that experience enriched you.

Taking ownership and control of everything in your life is very empowering. You can't make a woman behave the way you'd like, but you can look toward yourself and figure out which of your expectations have been guiding you wrongly.

The second you have control over your own expectations and stop expecting a woman to be anything but herself, nothing she does surprises you. She becomes what she's supposed to be: a woman. And you enjoy her for what she is: a woman. You enjoy the sex, you enjoy her company, you enjoy how you feel about her and how she feels about you, all within the reasonable expectations of what a woman is, instead of the unreasonable expectations of what you think she could or should be.

[–]UnanimousInMyOpinion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The devil is in the details. What if a man decides that reasonable expectations are not being met? Then you next her. Unless you wifed her up before you got Red Pilled in which case a mistake was made, you are screwed, and an analysis of sunk costs and moving on must be made.

[–]zdenipeni 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Stay at a safe emotional distance, don't hope that she is the one (AWALT) . And do not be too bothered or surprised when things don't work out.

[–]Lordadidas 25 points26 points  (2 children)

I think keeping an arms length emotionally because you’re afraid of being hurt prevents you from fully enjoying being with a woman and being in love. Accept that it doesn’t last. Accept that it will hurt in the end. Don’t let fear stop you from enjoying one of the great things of life, genuine affection between a man and a woman. Just go with it, I suppose.

[–]flibbitythrowaways 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Even if all goes well for years and years, the 'winning' ending is one person dies and leaves the other person alone (and probably old at this point). So yeah, enjoy it while it lasts.

[–]HS-Thompson 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I’ll do you one better. The key to all happiness is reasonable expectations, or more accurately, freedom from expectations. This concept, literally, is a cornerstone of both Buddhism and Stoicism.

[–]flibbitythrowaways 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I actually think this post would be the exact same ungendered. The key to happiness for women is the same, women also become unhappy because they put expectations on men. We would all be happier people if we took responsibility for ourselves first. This isn't red pill, this is just truth.

[–]StimulusPackageOne 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Very well said.

I still remember the days when I was thinking about why a girl took so long to answer a message or something.

Now I do what I do and good if she replies or interacts in a timely matter. If not, I keep going my way. Simple when you think about it.

When you really focus on your shit and forget about frivolous expectations, everything becomes very easy and straightforward.

[–]xiannnnnn 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Expectations are a construction zone for resentment.

[–]831nomad 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Relationships is like gambling, never bet more than you can lose...and the house always wins

[–]bazooka1995 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Needed this today! Thank you.

[–]Frosteecat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All of this can be solved by being the MAN in the moment, at all times. With eyes fixed on the prize, we have no need for synthetic, unreasonable value systems full of covert contracts and false expectations of others. This reality is filled with equally and universally flawed people. The prize is breaking free of this by keeping your own side of the damn street clean and striving, always, for excellence in all endeavors. And lifting.

[–]cantFindValidNam 0 points1 point  (1 child)

The key to relationship happiness is being happy before and outside the relationship. If you're looking for a relationship to make you happy you're doing it wrong and you're going to fail. Then you'll swallow the red pill.

[–]Darkestxlight 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Vet heavily, and keep your boundaries strong, and you can avoid a lot of disappointment.

[–]3CainPrice[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

If you can control your expectations, you almost don't need boundaries. Just let the women we enjoy do what they do and be themselves. Reward the better ones, let the other ones move on. As your feelings or theirs change, continue moving.

The last thing you'd want is to demand that a woman not be herself and conform to some boundary of yours. Training a future wife is a huge investment with huge risk and little chance of reward. You get a lot more out of a woman if you just enjoy who she is instead of stressing out about boundaries and vetting.

[–]Darkestxlight -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I can only speak from personal experience. I have always set my boundaries early on so she doesn't have to worry about not being herself. If she doesn't play ball then she's vetted out or demoted to plate status. If she decides it's worth it then we continue. It should be framed as expectations from the relationship that you both have to uphold in order to sustain a happy, healthy relationship, not rigid and unfair rules you are unfairly laying on her. Then again it all depends on what your looking for, but you shouldn't have to settle for less in a LTR.

[–]Viking_RnP 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Happiness is misunderstand to an extreme. It's not a goal to pursue. It's an emotional byproduct of your reality, same as all other emotions. Its conditional and conflicts with your frame in positive and negative ways.

Be wary of all feelings and remain in control by working to understand why you feel what you are feeling every time a feeling possess you. Dont just "let things happen." Control it and be responsible for it. See it for what it is. A conditionally specific chemical reaction. The tools we are given are very powerful when applied intelligently. This includes emotions.

[–]3CainPrice[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Controlling other people isn't possible. You can only control yourself. You can try really hard to influence other people's behavior, but ultimately, you can't control others.

As a result, when somebody else behaves badly, the only aspects of that situation you can control is what your expectations were beforehand and how you respond to it after the fact.

[–]flibbitythrowaways 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally agree with you. Other people in this sub act like a relationship with someone should be like a relationship with a dog where you literally train them to do your bidding - that's exhausting and fucked up anyways. If you're totally happy with yourself, then you can be happy with someone else however they are; if they fail, so be it, it's not your problem.

[–]omega_dawg93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

great post, OP.

one of the FIRST things i tell all women i deal with is the following...

"be EXACTLY who you are... you have every opportunity to show me who you are; i will believe what you show me."

but i do NOT tell them i won't believe what they tell me.

[–]victor_knight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just make sure you aren't paying for any of their shit unless you're getting a commensurate amount of sex/obedience in return. It's not just her time, it's your time as well. Of course, if you expect her to carry your DNA to term at some point, then she has you by the balls. You need to realize that too.

[–]2Sepean 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dunno, I enjoy life more having her meet my unreasonable expectations

[–]DeeplyDisturbed1 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I am more red pilled than 99% of the fuckers on this board, and I can still feel love for a woman. Been married and divorced, and a lifetime of experience with women.

The "expectations" you are talking about are deeply embedded in men, and have nothing to do with blue pills. Pair bonding is real fuckwits. Oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine - these chemicals exist to make us feel "love". Nature did this, not your mom.

I am not saying we should let this rule our behavior. I am here on TRP after all. But making it sound like these feelings are all about societal conditioning needs to stop. We need to evolve to accept the science and biology of these things, and THEN we can start talking about the Psycho-social impact of that.

It all starts with biology gents. Everything should start from there.

[–]3CainPrice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Regardless of where our unreasonable expectations come from, biological or social, once we identify them, we can avoid being crushed when they're not met.

[–]abudun79 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What a sick culture do you have to live in to actually believe this?