I took a trip overseas a while back that had some profound lessons for me in terms of my mentality and approach to life. As I'm sure many of you have traveled at some point or another, hopefully it can for you too.
As soon as I landed at my destination my processing was in overload. I was taking in the different appearance of all the people around me, much darker than back home, shorter too. I observed how they spoke their native language. The loud tone and passionate hand gestures they used to communicate. I took a cab to my hotel, staring out the window at the landscapes. Observing each and every building and advertising board as we passed. Gazing out like a bewildered child, nervous yet excited for what's to come. As I got out onto the street, I took in the sights and sounds around me, all the people hurriedly getting around, onto the next destination. The architecture of the buildings were so old, yet detailed, masterful perfection. The streets smelt sweet, like a waffle stand. I walked inside my hotel eager to check in and get right back into the wilderness, to explore and experience this magical place.
When I went to a cafe I'd chat to the waiter. If there was someone else there alone I'd strike up a conversation, get some information on where to go. I quickly made some friends at a local park who were to show me around for the evening. We went out to some bars and I'd have no trouble chatting to any woman I liked. They don't know me, I could be anyone. And I don't know them, they could be anyone too, and I was interested to find out. Worst case scenario is they're unfriendly and I'll never see them again. With such an over inflated sense of confidence, of course interactions were easy, I was foreign and conversation flowed. My happy go lucky vibe was ever present, a woman can sense this a mile away.
Over the course of the next couple of weeks I did many things. I saw many things, ate many things, made many friends and slept with many woman. I knew my time was limited and I tried to make the most of it, and that was exactly what I did.
When I got back I had such a sense of deflation. It was like I was coming down off molly for the first time. Slowly getting back to the grind at work, getting into routines. Seeing all the same faces around town. Doing the same things again, eating the same foods. Logging onto Instagram and Facebook and seeing the classic highlights reel, which only further downed me after my own highlight reel holiday. I began to question.
It wasn't like I shape shifted into another being. It was still me, same guy, just on a different part of the map. Yet I felt so different. What was it that influenced my mentality on that part of the map that didn't influence my mentality on this part of the map? Obviously one can't expect the same responsibility free high of a holiday constantly, but lessons can certainly be learned from the mindset with which I approached life.
What I would later discover I had there which I didn't have back home was PRESENCE, ACCEPTANCE and OUTCOME INDEPENDENCE. Which are all closely linked.
Presence refers to the stability of mindfulness, which means the degree to which you are grounded in awareness itself.
Acceptance is the willingness to experience ourselves and our lives as things are. It is a move away from self-deception, towards reality.
Outcome independence is having an unmoved state of mind regardless of the outcome of a particular situation.
Presence was me having nothing else cross my mind but the moment in front of me. No thoughts of my work back home or what friends or family could be up to. No thoughts on my social standing, if people liked me or not. I was immersed in my journey and every moment that encompassed it, the food, the smells, the tastes,the sights. It's a joyous way to experience life. Each and every moment comes alive, I felt alive. This oozed out into all aspects of my trip.
Outcome Independence was that I could chat to strangers because I didn't care what they thought, I could approach women at will because I knew there I'd never see them again. I could basically do whatever I wanted all day, as i knew there was no consequence.
At home it was so much harder because I was living my life in such a future outcome manner. What will this woman think of me if I see her again. What will happen if she rejects me, what will other people think of me, how will this effect my future? I was so focused on the end goal of getting a woman that I was putting so much pressure on the outcome of each process. Being outcome dependent is worrying how the present will affect your future.
Outcome Dependence is being heavily invested in the outcome of any particular scenario.
Acceptance was me seeing society/people as it was. I wasn't thinking how it should be. I was simply observing and experiencing what was in front of me. When I spoke to people I wasn't going in with hopes and expectations of how they would be or how the encounter would play out, I was simply accepting how it was. I was so detached from that world that I simply accepted it for what it was.
I set out trying to recreate that holiday mindset so that I could live with this mentality not just on my holiday break, but all the time.
On my search I discovered Meditation:
The process of quietening ones mind and bringing it's focus to the present. Essentially achieving a state of no mind. The purpose of meditation is to achieve a heightened state of awareness and inner calm by learning to have better control over ones thoughts.
I started out with 5 minutes and progressed gradually. Adding a little bit each day. Slowly but surely my busy mind became calmer. I became calmer, I felt less stress in my life. I felt more in control of my thoughts. My mind wandered less. Instead of chasing thoughts as they arose, I became more aware of them and could select the ones I desired to engage with. I had much better control over my mind.
Over time I felt this spilling over into all aspects of my life. Presence started to feature in my life. Slowly but surely I started to appreciate the little moments. My drive to work,listening to music, watching traffic, watching people in their cars, each of them playing their minuscule part in the grander rat race. I would look at the beautiful landscapes that I passed on the way there, beauty that I had previously been blind to. When I spoke to people I spoke to them like they were the only person in the world.
Outcome Independence featured too. When I saw a woman I found attractive I had no qualms approaching her and chatting with ease because my focus was no longer what this outcome could lead to in the future, but simply how I could extract the most from the experience now, in the present.
The kryptonite to both presence and outcome independence is a focus on the future, or how this outcome affects the future.
When you are present and outcome independent you are living in the realm of what is, not what could be or should be, simply what is. You don't waste endless energy on what you want or what your past or future holds. You're not worried about others opinions of you, those are simply attachments of the past or future. You can't control the past or future, so excess thought power used on it is energy wasted. You stop having expectations out of situations and simply experience them for how they are. Not what the outcome should be or could be in the future, simply what's present in that moment. With your mind present and outcome independent you are free to observe and appreciate the reality you have in front of you. This is Acceptance.
This is core to TRP. The entire crux of it is accepting female nature for what it is, and then further on from that accepting society for the way it is. Only once you accept things for how they are can you begin to enjoy them.
Being outcome independent, present and accepting of reality has a profound effect on your day to day living experience. You derive joy from small things. You are able to do things without excessive worry of how they turn out. Your suffering is greatly diminished by not having unmet expectations of how the world should be. Essentially you take control of your happiness.
I used to outsource my happiness to all sorts of factors:
If I make a little more money I will be happy.
If I get a new apartment my life will be better.
If I bang that girl I'll be complete
If I never achieved them I would complain and be upset however, whenever I achieved any of this the high was temporary. My mind would calibrate to my new surroundings fairly quickly and it would become my new baseline. My lifelong training of outsourcing happiness would kick in and I'd start searching for a different outcome that would now become my focus. This is a never ending loop that has no end and no true satisfaction. This was Outcome Dependence, lack of presence and lack of acceptance, I was living in the future.
I often get asked how do I reconcile outcome independence and presence with having any goals or achieving anything. (Acceptance they usually get)
In terms of presence it comes down to a fundamental misunderstanding of presence. Living for the present and presence are different concepts(altough they do have similarities).
Lets say you were driving from Amsterdam to Paris.
Presence is maintaining Paris as the destination while enjoying the journey with more awareness. The focus being on the process to get to the destination instead of only the destination.
Living for the the present is discarding the destination and stopping at a coffee shop/getting a hooker, essentially living entirely for maximizing the moment in front of you. This will ultimately affect any hopes or goals you have for the future.
In terms of outcome independence an individual might think they need not do anything, because if you are truly outcome independent then no matter what you do you will be happy right? This could be true for meditation masters who have devoted their entire lives to this philosophy, but for the majority of us we still have our biological drivers. No matter how much we try to transcend our biology, we still eat, we still sleep and we still have that craving to fuck a high quality mate. The more in line our lives are with our biology the happier we are. Outcome independence is not about not wanting anything, it's about not being phased by the outcomes of any individual scenario.
For example. If I want to Fuck a woman. Being outcome independent is about being unmoved by the individual scenarios it takes to get there and trusting that it will happen.(Because I've worked on my SMV,game,frame)
If I approach a woman and get rejected, I remain unmoved.
If I approach a woman and get accepted, I remain unmoved.
If we set up a date, I remain unmoved.
If the date falls through, I remain unmoved.
If I fuck her, I remain unmoved
If I don't fuck her, I remain unmoved
Outcome independence comes down to abundance. Abundance of everything. Abundance of woman. Abundance of ways to make money. Abundance of ways to live your life.
You can want a car, you can want a house, you can want to fuck Becky the attractive accountant that sits opposite you. Outcome independence is about not being a slave to the outcome of it because with an abundance mindset you are aware that there's an abundance of cars you'll like, an abundance of house you'll like and an abundance of women you'll like and even if you don't get those there's an abundance of other ways you could live your life that you will enjoy. You still choose where your life goes but you are also aware of it's capacity to change at any moment.
The mentality you adopt dictates the quality of the life you live.
- Enjoy the process (presence)
- Don't be attached to the outcome (outcome independence)
- Accept life for how it is, not how you want it to be (acceptance)
I've been meditating for years now, and It's the single most important discovery of my life. The joys and benefits of it have spilt over into all aspects of my life. It helped me with stress, anxiety, game, frame, woman in general. It's as core to my daily routine as lifting. I spent so much time working my body, but for years neglected my mind, which in my opinion is a far more important muscle. Just as with lifting the results are not seen overnight, it takes tireless dedication for weeks, and then months and then years but at the end of the day if you can better control you mind, you can better control your life.