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Field ReportLove your failures. (self.TheRedPill)

submitted by TRPDigesting

There've been a handful of good posts lately that beat on how you can't expect every interaction you have with a woman ending with a phone number or her in your bed. In fact, the opposite... you will end up failing more times than you probably think you deserve to.

With that in mind, instead of a field report on my success, let me tell you how I've failed as of lately (and what I'm doing about it now).

Striking Out

In the past week, I tried to set plans with three different women who I was in the midst of having a conversation with. Each interaction seemed to flow pretty well, and I didn't set out to ask for a number from the very beginning... so I tried to just read the chemistry.

Guess what all of these girls have in common (besides all 3 rejecting me). They all worked somewhere that I was in attendance to. I'll summarize my thoughts on that at the bottom.

Girl #1

The first girl was the hostess at a nicer restaurant up in a town about an hour north of where I live. She was really conversational, had a big smile, dressed well, and was extra kind beyond what was normally required of the position.

I was there up at the bar right around when they were closing, and suggested that we meet and chat again some time when she wasn't working.

She seemed enthusiastic about it, but also asked to take MY number rather than give hers over. This is not usually a great idea, because it puts all the power back on them... and it's fairly unlikely you'll hear something again.

Case-in-point, I haven't heard from her.

Girl #2

The second girl was one who has just started working at the local food co-op by my apartment. She's cute, knows how to talk to people (which is hard to come by in the northwest) and actually has some wit.

We flirted back and forth and it totally seemed like I had a green light.

I suggested getting coffee the next day when she would be off, but she went into a hesitant explanation of "Oh, I'm not doing that right now..."

She claims that she is "trying to find herself" or similar thing like that. Whatever though — it's not an excuse, it's just a rejection. Fair enough.

I took the rejection more calmly than I ever have before and still kept talking to her for a few, even playfully poking at her purported journey of self-discovery and making suggestions of what to do.

Left things amiably and just moved on.

Girl #3

The last girl is a cashier whose line I've gone through a few times, and even when I was silent and disengaged from her, she would ask me questions about how my day was going.

I took it as a possible IOI and kept my eye on her. She seemed like she might actually be interested.

When I asked her to meet up outside of work sometime, she said SURE, but then when I asked for her number she said...

"Oh, but.... I'm at work right now...."

Implying that it wouldn't be appropriate to give over her number. Which is just another soft rejection.

Recognizing that it was a no-go, I said, "Well, you know my name..so just track me down sometime." (I've got a membership here, with my first/last name.

Obviously, I haven't seen any of that.

Takeaways

Well obviously, I was feeling kind of like a loser for a minute having struck out 3 times.

In the past, I've relied almost exclusively on Tinder and similar apps for my dates and all that follows. But I made a commitment to stay off of all of that while I work on my ability to approach during the day (and night).

With all that in mind, I am chalking this up to experience and genuinely happy that I took the risk and allowed myself to be rejected. It's going to have to happen a lot for me to ever be in the right mindset for approaches.

And while I'm sure there are proper Chads out there who have a FAR higher success rate on this than me, these experiences reminded me of a quote from one of my funnier, beta friends.

>"I'm not going to hit on somebody who's being paid to be nice to me."

If you have to pick a demographic to try to connect with, it's probably not ideal to go after anybody who is actually collecting wages in order to be friendly and warm to you. Sometimes I forget that and go for it anyway.

And again, I'm sure that there are others out there who can do this with no problem. Just saying that I personally think I should focus on girls who have no real reason to even engage with me.

So, just remember that failure is part of it. And not every story is going to be a "success story." But you have to go through more than a few rounds of failure before you finally start to internalize your lessons.


[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–]Atheist_Utopia 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Imagine the effort it takes to get just 1 lay. Wouldn't the effort be far better spent on improving your SMV by working harder on your body and job?

[–]slip_like_space 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think what he's trying to say is that while getting rejected, you become immune it. It's one thing to keep improving your SMV but there's no other way of determining where you are until you're out and about. The more you're out, you begin calibrating your game and notice how women behave around you.

[–]ahab_dies 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Love posts like these. I'm tired of posts written by guys like "what up fuck heads, I'm the guy who will steal your girl and dominate you so listen the fuck up".

OP's writing is far more inspiring and honest. Thanks, brother.

True men know strength is not in never failing but in having courage to try, fail, learn, and try again. Remember you are competing with yourself, not other people. Great take away, OP. I'm also off dating apps while I work on my real life game and it's a real challenge but totally worth it.

I'm also bad for hitting on Starbucks girls and hostesses. Nothing wrong with just being another guy who got the wrong idea though. What did you lose, really? I think it's a good place to start building your confidence. Start with women who will let you down easy, build up your confidence on them. Like training wheels.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for saying so man, I appreciate that.

I wanted to share my experiences mainly because of that perceived imbalance. I salute anyone out there who IS racking up successes and I don’t scorn them for sharing it one bit.

But it’s always good to hear about the other end of the spectrum too, which is the climb from a lower altitude. I’ve got a long way to go, but that means that there’s plenty of valuable lessons ahead.

Being happy to step outside the door and get pooped on by a bird, trip on the sidewalk, or lost in the bad neighborhood of town is a big part of the journey (all metaphorical, of course).

Sitting inside in the chair doesn’t get you any closer to the man you want to be. If you’re the sum total of your experiences, have some experiences that shape you...even if they hurt when they make a dent.

I say this also for my own benefit, not from a place of preaching, because it’s a daily effort to reinforce this type of mindset. We’re by nature averse to failure and anything that hurts us (ego included).

But just because it’s natural to feel uncomfortable doing a thing does not necessarily imply that you ought NOT to do that thing. Namely, make an approach to a girl you want to talk to. Or start dabbling in a new skill.

Don’t forgo an endeavor because success isn’t guaranteed, because the truth is, it never is.

[–]Aaron_Aero 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is actually pretty reassuring. It gets frustrating and feels as if you weren’t “perfect” enough for them or you just didn’t say the perfect line. But sometimes girls just aren’t attracted despite your best efforts or just don’t see what they’re missing. Maybe even being asked out and approached makes them feel intimidated. Oh well, their loss.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah I feel that, but I also try to stray away from the word “perfect.”

Especially after my exposure to the Red Pill, I’ve abandoned the belief that girls are really looking for a static, archetypical definition of the “perfect” man.

“Perfect” to a girl is only “perfect in the moment.” Her definition of it is fluid and dynamic - it’ll change day to day, week to week, month to month.

Having favorable masculine qualities will always give you a big boost, but sometimes it’s just not perfect for “now.”

Anyway, seeing it as their loss (without true vindication) is a great step toward internalizing the prize mentality (you are the prize).

[–]marcopoloman 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I have failed so many times. Kicked out of college twice for basically being lazy and bored in class. Guess what? Now I'm a teacher. And I do everything in my power to not only teach. But make it fun and interesting. All those failures taught me what I needed to be a good teacher.

[–]volvostupidshit 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I'm wondering what age you started your career if you got kicked out of college twice.

[–]marcopoloman 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I started my career at 23. Just after finally graduating. A lot of weekend and night classes to make up for my screw ups

[–]volvostupidshit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh 23 is still a very good age. Congrats dude.

[–]MushroomTaco 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Shown me a man who's never failed and I'll show you a man who hasn't reached his true potential.

[–]SuperCrazy07 9 points10 points  (1 child)

"I'm not going to hit on somebody who's being paid to be nice to me."

Go ahead and flirt with them, just don't expect anything. Here's how you know they're interested: I've had two waitresses leave their number with the check.

Otherwise, more or less assume they were having fun flirting and passing the time but they aren't really into you.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that’s spot on. You don’t have to give them the cold shoulder, but if they ARE interested they’ll be likely to make it more obvious and direct.

Or if not, just enjoy the interaction for what it was. That’s mostly the motto I live by nowadays anyway.

[–]-tb0ne 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good post and I'm in the same boat. Was flaked on/rejected by 3 girls that I met through work (not at work) a few weeks ago and it stung at first but was a lesson that they may have just been acting nice and pleasant. I also got turned down by a hotel front desk girl that I thought was being flirty and overly outgoing. Oh well, the more rejections I get the less I care about each one and am reenergized to keep trying and improving.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

even playfully poking at her purported journey of self-discovery and making suggestions of what to do.

Next time, how could you hold better frame in a situation like this?

If a girl says something i dont like, i wont even acknowledge it. I'll go on about how i was born in a cave, and hold frame on that. And then when she asks "really??" I go "yes, i was born in a cave, in the mountains. My mother was a witch and my father a gremlin".

Now she's operating in my frame, talking about things i want to talk about, on topics that i direct and choose. After shes playing in my frame, i have accomplished the first step in interacting with her. Once shes under your mental control, you can go from there. Your mind must be clear and your intent must be clear for any of this to work. If there is a sliver of doubt or hesitation, it will multiply and unfold. Lifting heavy and having large muscles makes you more certain and clear with your intention.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's totally valid — and you make a great point.

The "suggestions" that I made weren't serious though, they were like...anti-suggestions.

"Oh, I have a friend who likes to sit underneath the highway listening to the traffic noise. He says it soothes him. Maybe you should try that."

That wasn't exactly what I said, but along those lines.

You're right though, it would have still been under her own frame and not really mine.

[–]MurkyArtichoke 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I think accepting rejection is one of the first hurdles to overcome, and i've personally found it very difficult. It's easy to dig your grave after getting humiliated or rejected by some girl, and it makes you feel like you've lost. You need to get into the mentality of "you're the prize", a phrase that i read here. If she doesn't want to see you, fine, her loss, plenty of other girls to meet. I mean i remember a few years ago, i had a tinder date, that lasted like 3 hours, where the girl talked continiously all the time, seemed super interested and stuff. We drove around after meeting for coffee, and she showed me her city (i just moved there). I dropped her off and i thought "damn this went great". I open tinder when i get back home, and she has deleted me. She literally deleted me minutes after leaving my car. I remember this rejection was particulary hard to swallow, because i felt like a right proper moron. Didn't open tinder again for some time after that, being so down. I'm starting to get over that mentality now. Talk to several girls at once, if one flakes, you'll always have another. Girls flake all the time.

[–]Rob345678 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Hey bro that is very true! Women flake all the time that’s why it’s crucial to spin a lot of plates. Just knowing you have options detaches you from the outcome of this one girl. Also in reference to your Tinder story I can tell what went wrong, she was looking for an alpha fuck to fuck the shit out of her not provide her with a romantic date. The date is just an “excuse” to meet up, play societal rules and then fuck.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think you’re spot on about the “not wanting a romantic date thing,” but when you’re taking your daily Blue vitamin, you assume that all the nice “ladies” out there are looking for somebody who WON’T objectify them and try to grab an easy lay.

So of course, it feels like Priority #1 is to NOT do that. It’s hilarious for me to reflect back on the decent number of dates I had where the girl was just waiting for me to escalate and I either took forever to do it or drove home thinking, “That was nice! Maybe next time we’ll go further...”

It’s twisted. But yeah, Tinder for girls is little more than Postmates for Penises. (Or safe, digital validation in the form of a high number of matches).

[–]Rob345678 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Exactly! That the thing about taking the Red Pill..it teaches you that everything women been saying for years through mass media is bullshit. They say they want us to take it slow ,wine and dine them , and invest but all that does is build comfort and that’s for beta providers who wait around for the girl to come around while she fucks the alphas. Then when she is ready to settle down she will come around to fuck /lockdown the beta bucks.

[–]TRPDigesting[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Totally. I think this has been mentioned plenty on the sub, but worth a reminder – most women really aren’t conscious of what’s happening. Understandably so, it relates to how in touch with their shadow they are...and most people (both male and female) simply are not in touch at all.

The anger phase for me came out of my notion that women had been deliberately misleading men over years and playing a purposeful game of manipulation.

While there certainly is manipulation at play, most women truly believe they want a man who will commit, show them kindness, do their bidding, accept them, etc. And the popular social narrative only serves to reinforce that.

However, they’re also constantly mislead by social signals, because it’s also considered “empowering” to be highly promiscuous, and independent of any long-term masculine support. In fact, masculine support gets labeled as oppressive.

So it’s only when the somewhat enlightened man walks along and acts out the woman’s unconscious desire for a more aggressive self-assertive partner that she starts to get a clue what she was really looking for.

The issue is that most of the men that can appeal to that desire would prefer to smash n’ dash...which leads to alpha widows, always hoping that one day the man who has so many options will give all those up for her. Killing her attraction to him in the process.

It’s such a delicate little balancing act, it’s unbelievable. No wonder so many men just retreat into porn. Not that THAT’s any sort of noble ambition.

[–]Darkestxlight 15 points16 points  (8 children)

You didn't fail, they failed for not taking the great offer.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Atheist_Utopia 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    "Those evil manipulative men don't deserve you, sweetheart!1111"

    -Every woman ever

    [–]Darkestxlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Not exactly. The difference is that when chicks say that they know it's a lie, when in fact we are the prize. It might be equivalent at face value, but you can't really compare us to something women would do.

    [–]markinsinz7 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    A simple line & I recognize the prize mentality but when starting out it is so fuckin hard to get to this place. Do u have a quick summary of how u got to this place mentally? Or were u always like that

    [–]Robster25 4 points5 points  (2 children)

    There are actually two ways:

    1. You can delude yourself into believing that you are the greatest. Mostly done by females.
    2. You can live a life that you are proud of, which mostly includes working hard on something you love and becoming successful in that area. Ask yourself if you can respect yourself for the actions you have taken that day. Are you happy with yourself?

    [–]Darkestxlight 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    It's always a little of both, right? Working hard and making the right decisions is the one part. Realizing and believing you are great is how you exude the confidence you have cultivated from your good decisions and hard work.

    [–]Darkestxlight 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I started lifting at 13, 24 now. I also have worked hard throughout my whole life, and took up difficult activities such as wrestling at an early age, and more recently IT consulting. I always think about what my counterpart or lazier self is doing when I want to relax and do nothing, and that alone motivates me to get up an hour early and finish the day an hour later. When you put yourself through the gauntlet on a daily basis, you already know you are the prize without any external validation. Especially when you're dealing with females who most likely haven't worked 1/10th as hard as you at anything because you had to earn it.

    [–]datingtransformation 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    LOVE this. And big props for the honesty ("I was feeling like a loser...")

    Before I became a dating coach, I was a national sports journalist. I covered golf. (I know, a very weird career shift.) Jack Nicklaus won 18 major tournaments, as some golf nerds (like me) know. But what few people remember is that he finished second in 19 majors.

    He "lost" (19) more than he won (18). He failed a LOT. But only by failing was he able to put himself in a position to win.

    And nobody really talks about or remembers the tournaments he lost.

    I've approached more girls than I can count, and I can honestly say I don't "regret" any of those many, many so-called failures, where I didn't get a number, or get success. (Hell, I don't even remember them.) But I remember the wins, the victories. And I sure as hell gave myself a mental beat-down for when I didn't take action, when I didn't try.

    A great quote from Teddy Roosevelt:

    "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

    Here's a piece that DatingAdvice did on me, and I talk about how failure is just another word for "action."

    https://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/connell-barrett-teaches-men-confidence-and-authenticity

    [–]DocZTheRockstar 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I still find it crazy how girls can reject numerous guys while at the same time have sex with numerous guys? I think it all depends on the situation.

    [–]TRPDigesting[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I think it all depends on who appeals to their subconscious preference at exactly the right moment. Sometimes shit just doesn't line up, even IF you play to your frame as best as you can.

    [–]ToryTosh1922 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Great post. I think it's important to remember that even when we get rejected, we still had the balls to do something 90+% of men today don't

    [–]TRPDigesting[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Thanks. And the other part of the battle is being able to reassemble yourself after the blow is dealt. Many dudes crumble under a simple rejection...really doesn't have to be that way, it's so self-imposed.