Ignoring shit tests: Can this be seen as not standing up for yourself and being a doormat? (self.asktrp)

submitted by JosephBosa

My plates been shit-testing me a lot, and like a rock i ignore most of them and just dont let them affect me at all, because im aware of whats happening.

The other day she crossed the line, and made a scene at the supermarket at 6pm during the busiest hours while in line. Usually ignoring works best, but she was putting me in the hotseat and drew the attention of all of the lines at the store and i was just ignoring the fuck out of her with a smirk (amused mastery) instead of coming across as "the arguing couple" in society's eyes. I never argue.

Anyways I kept frame, waited in line ignoring her, and finished buying what i needed. By the time i got to the car, i told her to basically 'never yell at me in front of people again.'

instantly she submitted, agreed, apologized, told me she "didnt mean to" blah blah. I told her "it doesnt matter if you "meant" to or not, do not do it again." She couldnt even look me in the eyes the rest of the night (attraction), biting her lips hair flips IOI's x1000 and then of course the best sex we've had

My question is: at what point does ignoring shit tests make you come across as a doormat? Had I ignored her at the store, and not addressed it in the car, i could have seen the night ending differently. If I had acted like nothing happened i feel she would have interpreted it as "OK, hes allowing me to treat him this way." On the other hand if I get triggered and give her "the talk" with every shit-test i would come across as sensitive and butt hurt like things secretly offend me all the time. What draws the fine line here?

[–]hank_henderson_79 95 points96 points  (10 children)

That was the perfect thing to do. You executed amused mastery in public by ignoring her like she was the irritating little sister that can’t possibly penetrate your frame. Even discipline her in public wasn’t worth your time. Then calmly lecturing her in private asap - gold standard.

What you did miss out on though was a very rare opportunity to make her never shit test you again, always see you as the most alpha she will ever have, and be addicted to you. You should have imposed a separation period without providing an explanation (because justifying yourself isn’t worth the effort), and only resumed contact when you think she was at her most frantic to make it up to you.

Nice work though. I struggle with AM in public.

[–]JaYogi 6 points7 points  (8 children)

Separation period meaning ghosting?

[–]hank_henderson_79 37 points38 points  (6 children)

No, I'd be explicit. The best thing would have been to say something like "I'm finding you annoying at the moment and it makes me less attracted to you. I'm going to go and..." And genuinely go off and do something that you want to do. Don't tell her whether or not you will contact her or she should contact you. Give her time to think about the whole thing. You will have framed the incident in terms of attraction so she will be desperate to prove she is attractive and therefore use sexuality to keep your attention and respect.

Then ignore her for a day no matter how much she starts contacting you and get back in contact when you feel like it, but make sure your time is more limited now so she feels like she has to re-earn your attention by behaving properly.

[–]CalmPassenger 12 points13 points  (5 children)

What if she doesn’t let you go and do the thing you want to do? Like if you both took the same car to the store? Do you just tell her you’re dropping her off at her place and then go do what you want? If that’s what you do, then what if she refuses to get out of the car and won’t get out until you “talk to her about it” which basically means allow her to convince you to let her stay?

I’ve been in crazy giant never ending shit test chain situations like this before and there doesn’t seem to be any way to get out of it or get rid of her without complying with her unless you get physical by pulling her out of the car and throwing her far enough away from the car that you can get in and lock the doors and drive off before she gets back in, but then of course that’d be fucked up and you could get arrested.

[–]hank_henderson_79 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Those types of reactions are probably because of a couple of reasons. Firstly, if you have been seeing her for a period of time you have probably trained her to react like this. If she has ever done this before, even if it hasn’t been as extreme, and you haven’t punished the behaviour with no contact, then you have rewarded her for it because she has your undivided attention.

The other reason is you’re choosing damaged goods (BPD or something) - stop it.

All behaviour like this needs to be ignored. If she puts you in a situation where you can’t, like what you have said, then get rid of her. You’ve already lost her respect along the way.

If it’s not this bad, then drop her home if you think you can maintain a stern disappointed frame all the way. AM in this situation where you’re stuck for a period of time with nothing else to do will look fake.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]modHalitenina[M] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    TRP does not condone physical violence against women in any way.

    [–]BrodinsOats 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    lmao. Reminds me of my ex, brother.

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    The trick is to get her to do what you want happily, without letting her get the idea that you're scheming anything at all. Basically just decieve her. casually and calmly plan it and execute it. These never ending shit test chains are a battle of dominance. The loser (beta) receives poorer mental functioning capabilities and the winner (dominant alpha) recieves better brain functions. This is seen in BDSM relationships where the sub enters "subspace" which is where she starts drooling and goes cross eyed like a retard, because you have effectively turned her into a retard. In turn, your brain starts working better and clearer to maintain your status as the alpha in the relationship. She wants it to be that way. So no matter what, dont lose the frame battle, and certainly don't let this shit test go longer youre comfortable with.

    Agree or disagree + amplify or pressure flip Leaves you with 4 total options to handle any shit test. Plus ignore, go nuclear, change the topic, and directly discipline/punish/straight talk.

    [–]Psilotheos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Soft next

    [–]Ravenscar7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    She apologised though. I would have reciprocated with positive reinforcement for good behaviour, but installed some other kind of small punishment. Like cancelling on a future date to hang out with friends.

    [–]floresw4 34 points35 points  (4 children)

    Sometimes ignoring it is passing it. Just depends on the situation

    [–]JosephBosa[S] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

    That was my main question. What type of situation does ignoring come across as 'not standing up for yourself' and 'putting her in her place'?

    [–]wobbleelbbow 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    When you ignore and keep giving her attention. That's what being a doormat means, you get stepped on and you continue to interact with that person

    [–]SenorSwole 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    When she violates your rules and you still give her attention.

    [–]opper-hombre1 -1 points0 points  (0 children)


    [–]Zanford 17 points18 points  (2 children)

    Your anecdote is an example of where it is good to ignore. If you ignore, then she's the only one making a scene in public. She feels like a moron (as she should for acting like a whiny toddler in public). In that scenario I would ignore, I might even shrug and joke to the next person in line "I don't know her" with a wink.

    When it doesn't work if when ignoring it means she implicitly gets her way. Like, let's say it's the morning after you banged some thot, you have a nice wine rack, and the chick is like 'hey you don't mind I take these all for my roommates do you?' and is already shoving them into her backpack (aka stealing). If you ignore, she'll steal all your wine. So in that case you probably need to intervene.

    Not the greatest example since in this case you'd want to then kick her out and go no-contact so how you do handle it doesn't matter as long as you don't "lose your shit" in either sense of the term.

    A less serious exampe is you're about to go out with her and she says "one sec lemme text Helga (some fugly cockblocker friend and not a 3way prospect) so she can join us" and she's already tapping, and you sense this is a shit test and not a genuine 'she thought you'd like the idea'. In that case you wouldn't want to ignore (except if you might sense even the phone tapping is a bluff and she won't send the text) you'd say something like 'enjoy your butch quality time with Helga, I think I'll hit the gym instead. you have Uber right?".

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Yeah that one at the end is a great example of both push/pull and reward/punish.

    [–]Zanford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    In that scenario, she's 'won' a little bit by forcing you to NOT totally ignore her texting, so (if you sense this was her plan) so you have to punish her a bit (rather than just say 'no, don't invite her') so she doesn't keep doing similar shit

    [–][deleted] 32 points33 points  (2 children)

    If a girl ever yells at me she gets dropped.

    This isn't a shit test; it's outright disrespect. Also why are you taking your plates shopping?

    [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    He needs to reconcile with the bitch management heirarchy. Demoted.

    [–]3nebder 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    totally alpha to call your girlfriend a plate on asktrp

    [–]bigfatdubsack 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    “And then of course we had the best sex after”

    Don’t overthink this one, you aced it! 👏🏻

    [–]Ravenscar7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I understand how you are conscious about appearing buthurt, since trp teaches us to not be bothered by anything but you dealt with it differently. There's nothing wrong with showing that her behaviour bothers you if you do it in the correct way. You calmly commanded her not to be behave like an over emotional little brat in public again. You clearly stated that it breaks you're rules for an intergender relationship and you won't tolerate it.

    Being but hurts looks like this: "It really upset me when you caused drama in the shopping line" "Please don't do that again" "Why did you do that?"

    Conveying emotion makes you look buthurt. Emotions fail shit tests.

    [–]shubhidoobi 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Keep spanking her from time to time.

    [–]dtyler86 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Funny you were grocery shopping with her, it sounds like a relationship 😬 I am ppretty indifferentwhen it comes to shit test. I have a long-term girlfriend that is South American without getting too specific, every day there is one form of the shit test or another. I have concluded that she is one of the very few nationality types that you can ignore her shit tests and it just makes her more interested and more submissive. Being a American and having a total distaste for vapid basic American girls, I have found that a lot of European women can seem pretty dependent and submissive but if you ignore their shit tests they take it as a sign of sexism and are more prone to having wondering eyes for betas like they’re used to back in norway, France, Sweden, etc.

    Would love an Italian, polish or even German natives take on this. The dominance swing is HUGE in my opinion with a lot of European woman.

    [–]Duzand 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I hate the overuse of the word "triggered." It conveys a trivial scenario where passion, (mainly anger) is weak and misguided. Controlled and properly focused anger is absolutely necessary sometimes and it seems you used it appropriately. When it comes to "yelling at me in front of other people," I hope you didn't essentially take her apology too soon, she may think all she has to do is turn-on her sexuality and then you'll forget. It may have been better to drop her ass off at her place and tell her to call you when she's calmed down. You don't want to establish a "I'll just screw my way out of horrible behavior" precedent. She chose to dress you down in front of others, remember that.

    Anyways, you're a doormat when you don't follow thru. She's been warned so now it's on you to carry out consequences if she ever acts that way again.

    [–]letmereadthatshit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You handle it very well great job!! I still haven't swallowed the pill yet but what I would have done was ignore her while in line go to the car still ignore her and leave her at her house and said talk to me when you learn some manners. Would this be a good way to end the interaction?

    [–]1morescoobysnacks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This isn't a shit test. You guys have shit test paranoia to the max.

    She probably has a personality disorder or she's a spoiled brat that needs to be spanked more.

    Either way, I'd just stand there and be entertained. I wouldn't tell her not do to it again though, I'd just never bring her out with me again.

    Ignoring shit tests never comes across as a doormat. You guys need to understand that shit tests are about frame control and value, not comebacks. If you never accept her frame, you pass by default. Amplifying is clown behavior. It's fun if you have a great one on tap, but stressing yourself about that is a gigantic waste of effort. If you're uncomfortable in silence, or by changing the subject, shrug first.

    [–]Ricklogical 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Doesn't matter what it looks like. I think you did the best thing. Keep it up.

    You choose when she's gotten out of hand and you need to next her.

    I like hearing people share stuff like this. Really keeps me on point dealing with it myself. Thank you for sharing.

    [–]Peter_B_Long 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Me personally I would've looked around confused and been like, "Hey I don't know this girl!" or when I got to the cashier I would've said, "Sorry about her. My grandma made me bring her."

    It depends on the context though. If she was just trying to be annoying, I'd reply as so. If she was seriously trying to argue, then yeah I'd ignore too but I'd probably just drop her off right after.

    [–]sir_shitfuck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    [–]SpaceOperaMusic -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Telling her "do not yell at me in front of people" is telling her "you can yell at me when when no one is around"

    [–]Browndiaper1020 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Today at hs girl was sitting on my desk after coming I got back from bathroom and I told her to move like I would my little nephew or niece. She pouted and basically said that she felt sorry for anyone that would be in a relationship with me. I laughed it off, and sat down. I noticed in my peripheal (sorry bout spelling) vision that I get lots of looks from girls larely and that this girl in particualar always trys to give me shit test. And up until this point I did not even realize they were shit test( they involved laughing and giggling and dumb questions) but after I became witty and funny from trp and also lost 35+ I noticed it is a lot easier to stare people in the eyes and not take shit. So was this a shit test and if so did I pass? Or did I over react and should have just sat somewhere else. Sorry just ignore that last sentence, that was me having a blue pill pussy moment.