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My story: a called off wedding (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

I called off a wedding a month before the wedding and broke up with my fiancee 3 months ago. We had been dating for about a year and a half and known each other for close to two years. Having been the one to call off the wedding, you would think that I would have it easy. It's been far from easy! I have had spells where I just break down. I try to talk to people about it and it doesn't really help. It's one of the hardest things I have had to go through.

What acted as a catalyst for the break up was me facing an impending layoff at work. My fiancee had just graduated with a masters. As she was working minimum wage in retail, I was the one pulling all the finances (also while she was in school). She said she wanted to contribute, but with her student and credit card debt she wasn't really able to. I was fine with it. You make sacrifices for the ones you love. However, given the layoff notices, I suggested we try to cut back on things that aren't necessities and that she try to find work in her field. Up to this point she hadn't sent a single resume; she claims she was stressed out.

Both our parents live far away and visiting them requires a flight. Because of the financial burden, I haven't been able to visit my parents for 2 years and she would have seen her parents for the wedding having seen them only 6 months ago. I suggested we not visit her parents this Christmas to save up because it could be a while before either of us are able to find work. When I suggested that, she got really upset and sad and started to guilt trip me and said that I was preventing her from seeing her family hinting that I was controlling. She later went on to say that all I cared about was money. At this point I began to feel used because she hadn't made any effort to contribute. She went on to say that she hadn't asked me to contribute. At that point I couldn't see the point of being in a relationship where I wasn't appreciated. I was so stressed out dealing with layoffs at work and then coming home to deal with her that I couldn't take it any more. I felt like I was losing my mind.

At that point other things that weren't deal breakers in the past became an issue. She would constantly be in touch with her exes and had pictures of her with them all over FB. She stopped when I said it bothered me only after creating a big fuss. Her friends were also disrespectful. Her best friend called me her 'sugar daddy' which I found offensive more so for my girlfriend than for me. When I talked to my girlfriend about it later she took her friends side and said I was over reacting. It always felt like she put her exes, friends and family before our relationship. In the end I felt like she didn't have my back.

She still wanted to give it another shot. She said she would change. At that point I had already decided to go back to school and update my skills and I couldn't have her derail that again. I couldn't deal with with the instability in my life any more. I have broken off contact with her, and have no intentions of staying in touch.

You are probably wondering why I hadn't broken up sooner. I guess there were good parts and the hope that things could change and I guess I always looked to what could have been. I guess that's what makes this entire thing so difficult. We make decisions based on past events and how they may shape the future, but at the end of the day we have no clue how the future would have turned out. based on the way she treated me, I felt getting married and continuing the relationship would have been the wrong thing to do.

There are good days, but there are also days, like today, when I feel lonely and sad.


[–]Endorsed Contributor: "The Court Jester"GayLubeOil 92 points93 points  (2 children)

The only reason why her friend referred to you as Sugar Daddy is because your Ex Fiancee has previously referred to you as a sugar daddy. Women parrot each other.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Oh shit .

[–]Klockmon 64 points65 points  (0 children)

Lucky. I was in a similar boat 5 years ago. I didn't have the balls to do what you did.

You jumped ship, and I went straight towards the rocks. You get to swim to shore and build a bigger and better ship then ever before, while my ships still sinking. It gets much harder with a kid and financial obligations.

Don't settle. Good move.

[–]Ballinlikebuffet 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing that, you made the right move

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You made the right call, both with ending your relationship and your decision to cut ties. It gets easier in time. Take solace that you had the courage to act!

[–]spoetnick 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Good thing you noticed you were her beta bucks! Nice job on pulling out before it was too late.

Could you by the way explain to me why it seemed like a good idea to get married after only knowing her for two years? Im really curious to find out why people think that they can spend the rest of their live with someone after knowing the other person for such a relatively short time.

Anyway, good luck with this ordeal man! I understand it socks but this is a lesson you'll never forget. Stay strong

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am glad you asked that question. I often ask myself that question, if not for closure, then at least to prevent something like this from happening again. Here is what I have come up with:

  1. Her parents were religious and she said they would not approve of us living together had we not married.
  2. I was aware of some of the problems in the relationship, but individually they hadn't become deal breakers
  3. On some level I thought marriage would fix the problems we have or that we could work at them as time passed by
  4. To some extent I had created this ideal in my head which didn't really match reality.

How do I prevent something like this? I think the big realization I have come to is that it is better to be alone than in a not so great relationship. I think that will serve to create the sense that if someone doesn't add to my life and has the obvious red flags, the relationship isn't worth having. Somethings are just not worth fixing and nor is it my job to fix someone.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You did the right thing, godspeed

[–]bittr_n_swt 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Absolutely the right move! I think you guys moved way too fast for marriage but oh well. You don't have to deal with a divorce.

She would have changed but it wouldn't have lasted and you knew it.

[–]1kick6 6 points7 points  (3 children)

We make decisions based on past events.

Women don't. Ever. There's no such thing as relationship equity. If you're not up to snuff now nothing you did in the past matters, she will drop you with extreme prejudice.

You should feel zero guilt for doing the same.

[–]user_none 4 points5 points  (2 children)

she will drop you with extreme prejudice.

Isn't that the truth? I've seen that in practice more times than I care to remember, and my thought was "Holy hell, she just flipped a switch on all of our history. It's gone and means nothing to her." Women are ruthlessly efficient at wiping someone out of their lives once that person has no further utility. It's kinda impressive. Sick, but impressive.

[–]1kick6 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know about sick, it just is. There's a reason we call it Briffault's law. You just have to learn to incorporate it into your own psyche. You shouldn't stay with a girl you don't want to be with "because she gave you 6 great months" or whatever, because she absolutely wouldn't do the same.

[–]GreatWhiteCuck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe it's something to do with quickly being able to bond with ghengis khan and his baby after the village hubbys were slaughtered

[–]Docbear64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That had to ne a hard decision to make, i applaud you for valuing yourself enough not to swallow the discomfort and suffer through a bad situation that would have only become worse.

[–]trancedj[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That took courage. Congrats. Focus on your career, improve your SMV, and learn game. One day you'll look back and laugh at why you allowed a woman like her in your life.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You got lucky. After marriage you'd be stuck with all her debt and her inability to make sacrifices when money is tight. Go make a tinder profile and find yourself something sexy to fool around with. Until you find new pussy to play with the old pussy will continue to haunt your thoughts.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's exactly how I saw things going...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll add to the chorus saying "you did the right thing here".

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great decision. You pulled out before getting locked into marriage and having to deal with the resulting divorce. She was in it for the money. If you would have stayed, she would have had her talons in you. I know that it seems crappy after a breakup, but things do get better.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you man

[–]check_my_rage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like she was horrible. Good on you for doing what had to be done. You will find someone who respects you when the time is right. Congrats on going back to school btw

[–]Mudpielol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look man, from what I read I think you dodged a bullet. Good for you, and remember, when you're down at the bottom, the only way to go is up.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Getting your Masters by going back to school? Think of that as your monk mode.

Follow the normal TRP prescription of self improvement. Eat healthy, get in shape and make a better version of you.

In no time at all you'll be ready to have relationships with women on your terms.

The last one obviously showed that it definitely wasn't on your terms. You were the pack mule expected to open the wallet for her comfort and safety. In a marriage it is true that with leadership comes with responsibility - but all responsibility and no leadership makes you beta bucks. You spoke - she didn't care or listen. All she was concerned with was manipulating you to get what she wants.

In a situation like that, the eventuality is that once she's secured the financial resources through some marriage tenure and a child, she'll sabotage the relationship with indifference and possibly (and likely) infidelity. Once the anxiety over procuring stability is gone then things go from bad to worse. This woman couldn't even keep it together during the engagement - imagine what 5 years down the road would be like - if you even made it that far?

You did dodge a bullet. If she saw you as the Sugar Daddy - then that sends up all kinds of red flags. Don't for a minute think that she wouldn't take you to the cleaners in a divorce.

If you only knew what most of us know - you'd be skipping with glee because as bad as it seems now imagine what it would be like having to fork over $1000-$1500 a month (or more!) while struggling to get to see your kids dealing with this kind of selfish person.

[–]srtor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dodged a bullet. Now explore, build and enjoy. Good luck.

[–]ecosci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The value and power of the vag has gone way down and it is confirmed when you read post like this gentlemen this is how its done we need more good men to be like you and know your the prize not her awalt.

[–]sirfuckboysupreme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well done sir. You left at the right time, noticed the warning signs and acted appropriately.

Now go build yourself bigger, stronger and more successful than before.

[–]tridentmark 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good move!

[–]AlphaPhD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you for getting out of a bad relationship, and for having the balls to end it. That's just the first step however, make sure that you read the whole sidebar. Internalizing that information will keep you from becoming another beta bucks boyfriend.

Oh ya, don't forget to lift...

[–]RPmatrix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you dodged a bullet bro

there's a great post on TRP at the moment from a 'happily married' guy, his "16 reasons Not to get married" (and why he never would again, and he's 'happily married'!!!) .. you should read it OP

[–]latinoevolution 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey man. you need to get your self esteem up. if you get lonely get a dog, go to the gym, don't drink, don't smoke...

I agree. her friend called you her sugar daddy because that's what your ex called you behind your back... She probably called you other horrible things too and she and her friends laughed at you most likely...

** had you required from her to give you a BJ and massage everyday when you get home from work in exchange or free rent, free flights and free food, then she would've maybe called you her "Greek God" but since you were weak and push over... dreaming of Disneyland dovey love" and that providing love and gifts would make her love you and admire you... you get ** sugar daddy and who knows what other nasty things she said about**

If you next girlfriend says she's friends with an ex, in FB or real life while living with you or not... and you allowed that then you didn't learn a thing.