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Am I an idiot for preferring monogamy? (self.asktrp)

submitted by onpuzzle

I get the whole idea behind spinning plates, creating abundance and not tying yourself up to a woman. Not the point of this post to humble brag but I'm young, in a very good financial position (self made) and decently attractive so pulling girls is not too hard. However, I'd much rather prefer to stick with a single woman who I can rely on, build a future with and share more than just bed experiences. Even sex seems to be better with someone you care about.

Does that make me an idiot? Do I need to fix something about myself?


[–][deleted]  (18 children)

[deleted]

[–]FiftyShadesOfSwole 97 points98 points  (15 children)

I'm gonna disagree with you here on the part where you said only LTR after 30. I would say dont marry before 30, but getting into 2-3 LTRs during the 18-30 age will teach you A LOT about red pill concepts and the true nature of women. I think it's important to get burned/ take a few L's as a youngster, because that's where the most knowledge and experience is gained.

[–]Atticus_Crowley 19 points20 points  (11 children)

Yeah, I'd think if a woman found out a guy hasn't had a single serious relationship, and he's 30, would be a pretty big red flag.

[–]mental_models 21 points22 points  (5 children)

"red flag" is nonsense

You either have value she wants, or you don't.

[–]Atticus_Crowley 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I mean, yeah, if your SMV is high enough, you could get a woman to overlook almost anything. But if a woman is seeking commitment, and finds out that the guy hasn't ever committed to anyone yet in their lives and they're 30, it should at least raise an eyebrow.

[–]mental_models 6 points7 points  (0 children)

those types of things are going to be trivial.

[–]Austinisfullgohome 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Bullshit. Men can have red flags as well. Relationship-minded women look out for them and will take notice. Yeah, lower quality women will overlook them, but this thread regards LTR-worthy women. Nobody wants to LTR that psycho welfare queen barfly with three kids, a probation officer, and chlamydia...no matter how hot she is. Save the slutfishing advice for ONS/plate posts.

A guy doesn’t have to be fat and beta to be unattractive. There’s tons of unsuitable chads out there, too.

[–]Future_Alpha[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Men can have red flags as well.

Nah other than drugs/aids, being fat/poor there aren't any other red flags for men. stop spouting nonesense

[–]mental_models 0 points1 point  (0 children)

nice rant

[–]oyoungpadawan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately I'm 29 and never had a relationship longer then 2 months. I was never interested in an LTR except for two girls that I fell hard for so ofcourse those relationships crashed and burned soon because I liked them too much and they lost interest or cheated on me.

Even dudes think there is something wrong with me when they hear I never had real LTR's. I was just super bluepilled and am slowly starting to see the light now.

[–]skizzleshiver -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

Or you could just lie and say you were in relationships in the past. How would they know?

[–]Atticus_Crowley 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Well that could work, until there's a quiet evening on the couch and she asks some question like "what was your longest relationship?" and if you're gonna be truthful and only say something like 3 months.

Plus generally speaking, if we're talking about building an actual healthy LTR, I'd think keeping the lies at a minimum would be for the best.

[–]skizzleshiver 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's a very small lie that has no real bearing on anything. Just make something up and say it so many times that you believe it to be real. Then you're good to go

[–]Future_Alpha[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

actual healthy LTR

That sounds like some cucked BP shit. WTF is a 'healthy' LTR. As if lying in an ltr is 'unhealthy' and yet women do it all the time. Frankly you sound like a woman.

[–]kruxofthemimed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yeah I agree with that. I dated a girl for 3 years near the end of high school and let me tell you man, she had some kind of mental issues. BPD, bipolar disorder, I'm not sure. But when girls are that mentally unstable I personally believe (just based on this anecdote) that sometimes you get a more depthy peek into what they naturally desire (which may differ from girl to girl. We had a very honest open relationship so I learned hard and fast what she wanted and didn't want. I remember at the end of the relationship probably 2 weeks before the final break up she found TRP for me hahahaha. oh boy I was a total cuck before that, and then trying to apply it against all the precedent in the relationship. wew. nasty stuff.

but even if you don't have a mentally ill LTR you will of course learn probably more subtly what they like and don't like. Plus you will learn how to deal with your own emotions during it, how to resolve conflicts, etc. I fear that many on this sub will go into an LTR and not be willing to compromise ever, or just fake being all out alpha dicks, and end up shitting it up. An LTR requires a different specific mindset ya know

[–]dawgsen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly brother. You won't learn riding a bike by reading about it in a book or in a sub reddit for that matter.

OP: perfectly normal, but the building a future part shouldn't come before you're 30, just trust us on this one.

[–]michaelkc03 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading about burning your hand on the stove is one thing, but when you get a 3rd degree burn you won’t forget.

[–]Psychocist 12 points13 points  (0 children)

don't ever live your life for her

I feel like that is the only requirement, and that the rest falls into place. If you're not living your life for her, then you don't even need to be at the top of your game because it doesn't matter whether she remains attracted or not. Her interest level will not even be on your radar if you're living for yourself.

[–]idkntbhidc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So well put deserves a sticky

[–][deleted]  (6 children)

[deleted]

[–]mental_models 4 points5 points  (0 children)

well said.

forget the "rely on" shit

the misunderstanding that the Starter seems to portray is the "rely on" "doing it for love" "because we love each other" thing...

Those may be great feelings, but: "You MUST remain the BEST male she feels she can get" - If you do that you will get love and loyalty just like you feel. If you don't do that, or even if you get comfortable and give up the initiative, she may at any time take the initiative and change the narrative.

When that happens you aren't getting what you want. You are also operating from a place of scarcity. You have a lot invested, and starting over is going to be costly.

"Love" is a feeling that you get to enjoy when you do things the right way. It is an effect, not a cause.

[–]Yoasted 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great response. I totally understand taking those roles and enjoying them rather than it defining you.

[–]BraindeadIQ 0 points1 point  (3 children)

you cannot define yourself as a husband and a father. Those are ROLES that you take on and enjoy. But first you must define yourself as a man.

As a complete armature, and non US person. Are you saying when you get in LTR, You have to be both her father and husband ?

By father meaning, handling her childish behavior like her father did when she was younger and all that? (if he was a good father)

read this from Man affections vs boy affections

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]BraindeadIQ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sweet thanks!

    [–]319Skew 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    Not really. I've been in a LTR most my adult life and can see what was nice about it. What you need to realize is that it's a lot of work and it puts you in a massive handicap. If you are going with monogamy, and family building, I'm assuming that you are going to live with this person.

    Your frame needs to be on point. Any breaks in it would result in loss of interest, branch swinging, affairs, breaking up, divorce rape etc.

    You'll have more drama from her, her family and her friends.

    If you have shared assets and/or kids then it's additional leverage on your commitment to her.

    This would have worked half a century ago but in this day of social media, limitless validation, feminism and just lack of traditional values, you're going to be hard pressed to find someone that can be worthy of a LTR and can maintain the integrity throughout your relationship.

    When a FWB withholds sex in a power move, you demote them to a plate and see other options. If it's a plate then you next them and there are plenty of other options. You can't do that if you share a family and are monogamous.

    If you are let go, go through a trauma, or rely on her for a period of time, you'll no longer be the ideal mate. Buyers remorse kicks in and you are now fighting uphill to rebuild this invincible man you used to be.

    She's going to start testing you harder and all failures will be exponential to her spending more time with another ideal Alpha.

    What's worse is familiarity breeds comfort which will (if not careful) cause her to chip away your alpha values in favour of beta traits.

    She may FEEL that you are improving but she'll destroy all the attractive attributes you have and resent you for it.

    Source : was married

    [–]TermiFaptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I like your comment so much but on this one

    you are now fighting uphill to rebuild this invincible man you used to be.

    It's really easy to be invincible if you just inject some testosterone and figure out that it's the hormones that make you happy .... not people or animals or possessions . The uphill battle is an easy cake walk .. Just feel invincible, lift, work out hard and ignore her ... Women have short term memory anyway, she does not remember the hard times you had when you leaned on her for support.

    [–]Blackhawk2479 22 points23 points  (0 children)

    a single woman who I can rely on

    Yeah good luck with that.

    [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (15 children)

    You can't rely on a woman. A females love for a man is conditional. This is a fact and not a stab at women nor is it a way of saying you are an idiot for wanting monogamy. But you have to have this in mind if you don't want to get fucked in the ass further down the line

    [–]Hottosmart 3 points4 points  (14 children)

    If the wife ages badly, puts on a lot of weight,doesn't cook or clean, limits sex....His love for her is just as conditional and he will dump her ass or cheat.

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (12 children)

    If she loves him she wouldn’t put on a lot of weight or limit sex, right?

    I think it is totally fine to „dump“ someone that doesn’t take care of himself anymore. No one would bat an eye if a woman dumps the once go-getter for hanging around gaming on his pc all day.

    We are not enemies. We (men and women) should be a team.

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (11 children)

    If you got cancer, or tragic accident paralyzed from the waist down, I guess it is acceptable for your partner to leave you right?

    You RP say women's love are conditional this and that, guess what? Men's love is just as conditional. But I understand it is much comfier playing us against them, and victim mentality.

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (10 children)

    So what you are telling me is:

    If I had a bad accident that prevented me from having sex or being attractive for my partner she is damned to never have sex anymore in her life because of love?

    No. I would understand if she’d leave (or had sex with other men) because if I’d truly love her I wanted her to have a pleasant life.

    You are the one being egotistical in my opinion.

    „Victim mentality“? It is you, not me that thinks of herself as a victim when it comes to RP men because you fail to understand what self-responsibility means (see your recent post). Which again is very Red Pill. You blame others for your (wrong?) decisions. Classic.

    By the way: it’s not our love that is conditional but the attraction. Big difference.

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Well, I would stay most likely with the handicapped partner. Love shows in the toughest times.

    I dated very shortly a handicapped man who ended up ghosting me because 'pretty girls are all about looks and superficial'...I had some major oneitis for this guy, too. So many of us view the world through a set of lenses that when something doesn't conform to our ideas, we self-sabotage.

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I am not telling you to leave a handicapped person. I can just tell you what I would do and how I see it. It has nothing to do with love. Sexual attraction isn’t a choice, remember that. If my wife or girlfriend would get fat/paralyzed/burnt or whatever I would have a hard time getting my cock hard regardless of love. That’s biology.

    Your handicapped guy had self esteem issues just like most of the people nowadays by the way.

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Okay that's fair. I understand men have a much, much higher sexual libido due to biology.

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    They don’t.

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    If there are so many Red Pill men of you out there looking for pump and dump, my experiences are ..the norm? Not a victim mentality, just an observation.

    And you Red Pill men get super angry when a woman refuses too have sex with you. Easy way to spot you.

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    There are 260.000 people from all over the world in this sub. Many people read books like the rational male but never subscribe to this channel. Your personal experiences/observations with Red Pill Men aren’t representative. There are more facets to a person than this.

    Getting super angry if a woman doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t sound RP at all to me. Pump and dump is something many men would do if they could.

    It is a clear victim mentality if you call yourself a victim after being ‚pumped and dumped‘ since it was also your choice to have sex with someone. No one owes you commitment.

    On the other hand: Most men never swallowed the Red Pill so the chance that you will be with one (or many) is very, very low. So why bother.

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Pumped and dumped? I had only 3 sex partners and I am 30. The dude that pumped and dumped me also asked me several times to be his girlfriend and I said no. So yeah, pump and dump...

    [–]forever_alpha 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I don’t understand where your ‚observations’ regarding RP men come from.

    But „asked me several times to be his girlfriend“ doesn’t sound RP at all to me, lol.

    I think I understand now where all that anger/frustration comes from

    [–]Hottosmart 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Ghosting, dread games, but never mind.

    No, not frustrated at all. Low sex drive.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yes. But it is not on the same level as a woman. Due to the nature of women, being the sexual selectors. If they feel their man is not the best man they can get at that moment they will start to lose attraction, and then if she feels this too much or for a too long of a duration she will start losing attraction completely. Either cheat or divorce. Being the highest value male she can get is a whole lot harder than not stuffing your face with food, not nagging and cooking.

    [–]alpha4ever 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    You're young so you likely just lack experience. You have some money, so just think of it like asset allocation. It'd be pretty stupid for you to put all your dough into an unpredictable, irrational and highly volatile security. The fantasy is that we just pick that perfect investment. What if we went all in on bitcoin 8 years ago, instead of only putting in 1-3%? Some people did, and look at them now. The reality is that for every person that went all in on a single high-risk investment and it worked out, there are hundreds more that lost everything.

    You can definitely afford to play risky when you're young, so if you want to make big risky bets you can always rebuild your life if you lose it all, and playing risky has high probability of losing. If you want to bet on monogamy, go ahead and give it a shot. It works out sometimes. But you're going to find that most men come to redpill because the investment that they tried to love and nurture and grow like a plant ended up attacking them and draining them emotionally and financially.

    No one says that just because you have multiple women means that you they all must be purely fuck toys. Make them whatever you want them to be.

    [–]pridebrah 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    It doesn't make you an idiot, but you need to know the reality of the game. There's already some good posts in this thread so go through those, but I'd just like to reinforce the point that an LTR is RP principles on hard mode and marriage is nightmare mode.

    Your frame must be made of titanium and dread levels 1-4 must never ever ever ever end at a bare minimum.

    [–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    who I can rely on, build a future with

    Two big mistakes here.

    First implies a degree of need and dependency. This is unattractive and girls don't like it. Makes you look weak to them because you need something from them.

    Second is out and out emotional/financial suicide. You do not "build a future with" a woman. Read more about Briffault's law. You think you're building something together, she's planning on taking half your stuff and moving onto someone else. "Building a future together" is what men do. Women want the here and now, and they change their mind tomorrow when it benefits them to do so.

    [–]Morphs_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You can have sex with plates/FwBs and feel something. I'm not referring to the attached "you're mine" feeling that many refer to as love, but "I want you to feel good so I'm going to fuck your brains out and we're going to enjoy each other". A more universal type of love, if that makes sense.

    [–]Psychocist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Nothing wrong with monogamy, but humans are not naturally monogamous. You're both fighting against your deeper, sexual instincts year on year, and it only takes one moment of passion to breakdown the fantasy. Someone will cheat or leave; it's inevitable given enough time.

    I now don't even try to play the monogamy game. Any women I get serious with I say I will be talking to/fucking other women. Ideally, there will be one "special" woman I eventually have a family with, but I am under no illusion that we will sexually commit to each other for a lifetime, or even through raising children. Seems the go-to compromise on both sides is to cheat.

    Not entirely sure which way things will go and I'm sure my thinking is faulty in places, but it is certainly a healthier way to think about relationships than lifetime monogamy.

    [–]TruthSeekaaaaa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You aren't an idiot, just a dreamer. I wish you best of luck though

    [–]flatox 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    prefer to stick with a single woman who I can rely on

    That right there is your problem. It's a fairytale and that kind of woman does not exist. If you want loyalty, get a dog.

    [–]lemonlord123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    No, nothing is wrong with that. Just, imo, don't LTR a woman unless you've known each other for a while, you genuinely enjoy her as a person, and you feel that she has proven herself. Just to make sure you don't land in a relationship with a shitty person. Then it's all about maintaining frame and abundance mentality so that you don't lose your cool and the relationship doesn't go to shit. Do not head out looking specifically for a LTR and nothing more from someone. Just spin plates, and if you come across someone you enjoy more than usual, THEN LTR them.

    [–]ReddJive 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    No. You’re not. I prefer it myself.

    It doesn’t make it any easier nor solve any issues.

    In some ways it’s harder since you’re admitting openly to her that she’s the only recipient of your time/attention.

    [–]cl3537 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    No, seems okay to me, Condom sex really sucks. But if she is controlling you, withholding sex, not doing what you want then you have a problem and your abundance mentality will be tested.

    Will you keep her in her place or let her turn you into her slave?

    [–]physicalbitcoin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Am I an idiot for preferring monogamy?

    No. But how do you know she's keeping her word on her side? What if you stayed honorable, and you found out 3 years later she'd been seeing other guys?

    [–]Merwebb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Not at all.

    Im like you, and in my early 30s. Having various non commited relationships in my 20s would have helped me a lot instead of the only one i had (which brought me here)

    Just like most people have already said, be on top on your game and non reliant on her. She has to "feel" there is a door she will be kick out of if she screws up.

    [–]menial_optimist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Monogamy is stable and arguably more produtive/useful than spinning plates. In a video I saw Jordan Peterson said people who casualize sex are psychopaths, who erode normal emotional connections. I don't like the idea of fucking a plate for 6 months, all the while with the full knowledge I will never LTR this girl while at the same time the girl is likely hoping for and is open to the possibility. That's why all plates break eventually.

    [–]Future_Alpha[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Am I an idiot for preferring monogamy?

    yes

    [–]Hoodin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I say no, but it's not easy and you must always have your guard up.

    As a 27 year old male who has had more then a 100 sexual partners and am now in my second LTR (first one went on for 4 years, current is reaching the third year) I can, at least for my sake, tell you that there is nothing wrong with preferring LTR.

    The sex is definitely better with a partner you have deeper feelings of love for and in my relationship we are very open to new experiences meaning that we do a lot of weird and kinky shit.

    However it is hard to maintain an LTR relationship. You as a male must maintain an Alpha male status and be ready to affirm it, and I do not mean with violence (unless your in to that shit).

    I've had falls where I got to comfortable but the main thing to avoid them is to have a really open relationship with your partner and willingness to discuss problems. If I am letting loose i.e. been lazy going to the gym, not spontaneous enough or whatever the fuck it is, she lets me know, and if she is being a bitch, disrespectful or whatever it is, I talk to her and we work it out, worst case get to a middle ground.

    Will it last forever? probably not. However I would prefer it over the fuckbuddy system any day.

    TL;DR: It's hard work but for some, worth it.

    [–]kankouillotte 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I tend to think like you OP, and I know that one day I'll be able to live something like that on my terms, but so far it has always failed for me because sooner or later the woman's love stops, each time because I'm not able to maintain it : reverting to beta habits, showing too much weakness, having no life besides her, etc... all the common mistakes of the unicorn chaser.

    But then I read this

    [–]2comment 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Live life by your rules. You're not gonna be happy going by someone else's script just to go through the motions, but do not avoid something just because you're secretly afraid either.

    Be acutely aware the game doesn't change at all just because of your personal preferences though.