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she lied but it was years ago, now what? (self.asktrp)

submitted by gregmathison

So my wife and I have been happily married 7 years. About a year before our marriage (two year engagement), my then fiance was in school because she was changing careers. She met some new friends and started studying and spending time with them while at school. She was pretty open about her new friends and I had no reason not to trust her, so I put my jealousy aside and allowed her to have her own life outside our relationship. A few months after they met, she started acting a little distant. I suspected one of her friendships was becoming a little inappropriate, but I never had any proof.

One day I couldn't take it anymore and I confronted her. She denied everything and was furious I would make that accusation. She told me I was smothering her and she needed some time away from me, so she left for a full day to just be with her friends (we lived together at the time).

I got a call the morning after she left, and she asked me why I was acting so crazy, and that she wasn't cheating. We eventually put a bandaid on our fragile engagement and tried to go back to normal. About a month later, I threw a birthday party for her and she invited her friends along. We all had fun, though I was watching her like a hawk for any hint of something inappropriate going on, and I never saw anything too convincing. After her party I noticed her friendship with one guy just fell apart. I asked what happened and she said he met some other girl and wasn't interested in hanging out with her anymore.

This is where it gets interesting.

After this guy was pretty much out of the picture, our relationship got better and we were married 6 months later. 7 years later, we have a house, two kids, and a great marriage. Last week I confronted her about this friend, and after pulling teeth for about 4 days I finally received the truth. She slept with him on 3 separate occasions, without a condom, though allegedly it was awkward and he pulled out, she stopped it before it "ended". She claims she was so desperate for friends at the time, she basically did it to keep him around, not because she really wanted it.

I'm devastated, and don't believe what she's saying. Our marriage counselor seems to think her story is legit and I am impeding progress with my distrust, and not surprising. I'm suspicious of everything. The hardest part about this is that we've had a really great 7 years of a trusting and honest marriage. We have two beautiful kids and we're a great team. This may have happened 7 years ago, and before we were married, but it feels like it just happened 10 days ago when I found out.

I also feel like I don't deserve this. I wish she told me when it happened because I would have ended it, and found someone who would give me the same loyalty I was giving. But of course it didn't work out that way, and now I have two kids and a wife that I've trusted for 7 years, so it's not really an option for me to cut and run.

Since I know she's been loyal to me for 7 years, and 100% of the time she has been my wife, I'm not going to end it with her. She has been completely devastated since she told me, so scared I was going to leave her. We're in marriage counseling and she is going independently since the counselor said she has some things to work through. She has been the perfect wife since D Day and answering any question I've asked her with honesty. I have no reason to believe she is lying to me anymore, but I just can't shake what she's done.

We're very much in a hysterical bonding phase right now. Our communication, love, sex, and everything else has been everything I could have ever asked for in a marriage. I think she's more "hysterical" than I am to be honest. She was cheated on by every boyfriend she had in the past, and I always thought we were on the same page about cheating, but I guess things happened.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in this thread. I just have nobody to talk to since I've decided to keep this a secret. I guess I just want to know if the pain goes away, if the trust comes back, and if I'm just being a fool for sticking around. I get that we owe it to our kids to make it work, but I don't feel like I deserve to be responsible for putting in the effort at this point. I'm angry, anxious, depressed, conflicted. I really wish she told me at the time so I could have started a new life with someone else, but you can't change the past. I trust she won't do this again, I already have 7 years of proof, but I can't promise I'll truly forgive and forget.


[–]muddynips 68 points69 points  (6 children)

Everything's "improving" because your wife has a lot to lose, not because the virtue of truth or some bullshit.

She lied to you habitually for years. She gas-lighted you when you pressed her. She got you on the hook for kids, and waited (just guessing here, correct me if I'm wrong) for your SMV to drop to secure enough levels to be honest. She knew what the guy wanted and was willing to betray your trust, all for some social validation. She set the market price for her pussy that day, and you've been overpaying ever since.

The hardest part about this is that we've had a really great 7 years of a trusting and honest marriage.

No you haven't. You had 7 years ignorance worth of happiness. There's a difference, and if you ever want to move on from this you have to start calling spades spades.

We have two beautiful kids and we're a great team.

She's counting on this factoring in to your decision.

She slept with him on 3 separate occasions, without a condom, though allegedly it was awkward and he pulled out, she stopped it before it "ended."

Bullshit. This is the most common lie women tell the men they cheat on. Surely she would only let YOU cum inside her right? It's a way of assuaging your jealousy, nothing more. If they had sex, just accept that it was no-holds-barred gorilla sex, not this fantasy your wife is telling you. If your dick is special, it wasn't special enough to keep her "friend" from fucking her multiple times.

The trust doesn't come back. If you do nothing you cuck yourself. She dealt you a losing hand, and she's hoping you won't play to your outs. So play to your outs.

[–]Big_Daddy_PDX 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is a great point. She cheated but it wasn't very good. On any of the three times she's admitting that she ducked him bareback? And she probably wasn't screaming "God yes, fuck me with your huge cock!" More than 3 or 4 times each time.

[–]JourneymanTRP 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Based on the context of the post, it sounds like she has basically no social life, and the last time she did have one, she was cheating.

If the last 7 years have been honest and loyal, then she either got better at lying or hasn't made any friends in 7 years.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]NwAlf 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    You don´t get the idea of awalt as I see. The point is that if your wife doesn´t respect you in the past, she will never do again. The guy is already cucked. But he can find someone who respects him.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]NwAlf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      AWALT is understood in the general behaviour, based on biology. Tendencies. Of course it is something you have to keep in your mind. But that does not mean that ALL the women behave and do the SAME exact way. So, yes, you can find a woman who will respect you... because you make it happens with your frame, behaviour, value... etc.

      [–][deleted] 50 points51 points  (22 children)

      Are you sure the kids are yours?

      [–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (6 children)

      Paternity test is imminent and if OP's wife has a problem with it she's guilty as fuck. Definitely go this route. If she's positive the kids are OP's she will have no problem getting a paternity test to prove it.

      This could get messy. Asking for the test on both kids is absolutely justified given what was found out.

      [–]sexyshoulderdevil 21 points22 points  (0 children)

      No asking needed. He just does it. She need not be aware.

      [–][deleted]  (4 children)

      [deleted]

        [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

        Regardless it could easily be leverage in divorce court. Being lied to for 7 years won't sit well with anyone there no matter how feminist the judge may be.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Nope. Most states are "no fault" and who did what is irrelevant. Same with child support. In other words, he could end up paying support for a kid that isn't biologically his. That's 'Murica

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        What the fuck kind of backwards law is that

        [–]Appleseed12333 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        A law that makes breaking a contract not only have no consequences but rewards the woman for breaking it.

        I see it as a law forcing smart men to never marry.

        [–]aznredpill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        this comment needs to be top

        [–]Endorsed Contributor: "The Court Jester"GayLubeOil 75 points76 points  (17 children)

        I wonder what percentage of counselors are absolutely OK with men getting cucked for whatever reason?

        [–]Diarrhea_Van_Frank 61 points62 points  (3 children)

        100%. Men don't want marriage counselling, they want to leave. Women want marriage counselling so that they can have another voice telling the man that he's overreacting to that time she got gangbanged a week before their wedding.

        [–]scrodzilla 26 points27 points  (0 children)

        Men don't want marriage counselling, they want to leave.

        Exactly, counselors don't get paid if you leave!

        [–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Relationship counseling is beta by your own admission. It blatantly stating that you can't handle your shit and are needy.

        Don't communicate, leave. Communication is validation seeking behavior

        Men ACT. Women 'communicate' (complain) because they feel powerless. Men can't frame themselves as powerless.

        [–]InChargeMan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I think some men would want counselling if they would tell women to get their shit together. But, I would guess that rarely happens. Not that she would listen anyway.

        [–]mehdreamer 9 points10 points  (3 children)

        My ex bitch was flirting with other guys every time I turn my back...at a resto, bar, parks... The relationship went bad to a point that we had to talk to a "counselor". She was a female.

        Guess what she said? "Oh it's alright...you should let her, you should be more secure. You should leave her "more room" and "more space"...

        That sort of Bullshit.
        Counselors? Never again

        [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        You should leave her "more room" and "more space"...

        Yah, more space in her vagina for cock. "Don't worry hubby, there's still room for yours alongside Chad's and his friends' cocks...see?" gapes whore hole with a grin. Writes check to therapist.

        [–]scrodzilla 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Plus you get to pay hundreds of dollars for the experience.

        [–]Magnum007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I would overtly start flirting with the councillor right then and there in front of the wife.

        [–]JourneymanTRP 5 points6 points  (6 children)

        It's not personal, I guess. Their job is to help a marriage stay together and improve the quality of it. Even if it's not the best thing for OP, the counselor is suggesting the best thing for the marriage itself to succeed, which is that OP accept the past and move on without holding grief over it.

        The counselor is meant to be pro-marriage. The question is whether OP is or not, and a counselor isn't going to answer that question.

        [–]zyk0s 2 points3 points  (5 children)

        I don't know what definition of "quality" you have in mind, but it certainly doesn't sound like getting the guy to toss his dignity out the window would improve the quality of the marriage.

        I agree it's not personal, and I agree their only goal is to avoid the divorce. But the rest is optional, and the advice works for women only. And in practice, you can bet the counsellor will heavily side with the woman 9 times out of 10.

        [–]JourneymanTRP 0 points1 point  (4 children)

        The quality and health of the marriage would improve if OP tosses his dignity out of the window. It would be the opposite of red pill, but if he deludes himself it would make things simpler for him and is about the better chance to save the marriage.

        If the number one goal is to save the marriage, he's going to need some delusions.

        [–]zyk0s 1 point2 points  (3 children)

        I strongly disagree. OP can't just erase the knowledge he's acquired, and if he can't respect himself, his wife won't. A dead bedroom, and end to cooperation beyond the necessary, where is the "quality" in that marriage? You seem to think the quality and the existence of the marriage are one and the same, they simply are not.

        There are ways to keep the marriage going and save its quality, but they don't involve anything that could come out of a counselor's mouth.

        [–]JourneymanTRP 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        It seems like you're just looking to disagree with something. What we're saying isn't very different. As far as it stands, OP's been with this deceitful cheating woman for 7 years and she now feels comfortable enough that she admits to her cheating. Earning back the respect of himself and his wife isn't something he's going to do at this point. It's a nice and sunny sentiment, but just not realistic. Women don't pull the wool over your eyes for 7 years and then suddenly change it all because of some dread game.

        He can earn back his own respect for himself as a single man, or he can do it within his own head by accepting a delusional viewpoint as the counselor suggests.

        Back to the point of the counselor, how exactly does one maintain a happy and quality marriage after being cheated on if they do nothing to move past it? What answer from a counselor is going to make your cheating wife suddenly worth having? There isn't a strong logical basis to stay with her, so, if the goal is to preserve marriage, you need to be more illogical.

        [–]zyk0s 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        We're saying different things. You suggest delusion, I would suggest taking the reins and yes, apply nuclear levels of dread. Basically fill out divorce papers and be ready to sign them at the next sign of slip up. And finally have your eyes open and realize that you were the backup plan, and make the appropriate changes to stop being a chump. Do all that while protecting yourself financially in case that divorce does go through.

        And there is a logical basis to stay: the kids. There's a chance they're not OP's, but if they are, what's the best outcome for them? I would say having a more masculine father around is better than both having a chump around and spending only weekends with him.

        [–]JourneymanTRP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Applying nuclear levels of dread to a woman who is this comfortable will just make her bounce on her coworkers dick to get back at him, then trash him when he files for divorce. There's no respect left to hang onto or build off of. Would be better to just divorce at that point.

        [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        100% If the therapist says GTFO, he/she loses a client in short order.

        [–]InChargeMan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Lets get a TRP sponsored list of counselors going. Would be so sweet:

        Her: "He doesn't do what I tell him to do anymore" Counselor: "I see. (dramatic pause, takes off glasses, leans in) When's the last time you took it in the butt?"

        [–]FrameWalker 93 points94 points  (11 children)

        Welcome to trickle truth. Another four months and youll learn about the other time she cheated. Drop her ass.

        [–]Leviticus59 37 points38 points  (1 child)

        This. As my first marriage fell apart I found out she'd cheated on me years earlier. I hunted down an old friend of hers for confirmation, and the friend confessed. Yes indeed, she did cheat, and proceeded to tell me about another guy and series of cheats I knew nothing about.

        [–]dongpal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        what a slut

        [–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

        If you're lucky it'll all come within a year. You'll find out about everything eventually, and she's not telling you for your sake, she's doing it for hers. In the relationship that sealed TRP for me I was lucky enough to hear about 5 guys in one "trickle." Who knows, there may have been more, but she wasn't around even 5 minutes after she told me, so there was no chance for further elaboration, though I'm fairly sure there would've been more.

        [–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 11 points12 points  (7 children)

        Another four months and youll learn about the other time she cheated.

        Other times. And with the circus midgets. And the time in Jamaica. And the other time when she was on spring break. And all the other miscellaneous dick she's had.

        [–]TRP VanguardWhisper 12 points13 points  (1 child)

        If she's in another country, it doesn't count, right?

        [–]InChargeMan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I like to tell my wife our marriage certificate is only valid in the state it was issued.

        [–]inspiron3000 10 points11 points  (4 children)

        I know a guy that has to turn off the TV if Ryan Reynolds is on.
        His wife met him in Bermuda.

        [–]clint_bronson 3 points4 points  (3 children)

        This is hilarious. Are you serious? Did his wife fucked him? Does he turn it off because he knows and is pissed about it or because the wife starts talking about how great it was having in his dick, i mean meeting him in bermuda?

        I mean turning off the TV...it doesn't get much more beta cuck than this, well actually it does, but i mean shit, this man can't compete with an image on the screen...

        [–]inspiron3000 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        I can't say much.
        Her friends told me he reacts to seeing Berg.

        He found out (not from her) and then he realized that many others (like, all his friends) knew.
        They haven't talked about it.
        He is happily married with children.
        They are both tit men.

        [–]stay_anon_stay_safe 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        tit men

        what's that?

        [–]inspiron3000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        tit men

        boob guys

        [–]phaseonx11 50 points51 points  (6 children)

        The fuck you mean you had an honest marriage lol it's not honest if you're the only one being honest

        [–]gregmathison[S] 16 points17 points  (5 children)

        I don't know how to respond to this

        [–]All_Ads_Deceive 23 points24 points  (2 children)

        She hid it for 7 years. That's not honesty. Get a paternity test sir. You really think she pulled that bullshit and has been faithful for 7 years?

        [–]CyLoke 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        It's a shitty situation, but this is the best advice you can take at the moment. Fuck that therapy shit.

        [–]UNBGBBIIVC_Bot -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        bot test, please ignore this comment!

        [–]Big_Daddy_PDX 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        Don't play hard to get. It's a simple statement. You were truthful. She was a liar.

        [–]BusterVadge 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        You respond with "thank you", since he's speaking the truth and you need to get your head out of your ass!

        [–]onmyownpath 45 points46 points  (1 child)

        She is going to counseling on her own to deal with some private things??? WTF? You are her husband - there should be no one more private than you.

        I bet she has cheated more than once, feels guilty as hell, and is trying to get help to get over it. The counselor cannot tell you.

        I'll be damned if my wife is going to see a counselor to talk about "private issues" - first stop is me - her husband. I have a right to know what is impacting her this drastically.

        Personally - I don't think I'd be able to stay. I don't care if it was 7 years ago. Trust is broken. She has been SO GOOD at lying to you this entire time - what makes you think she isn't still lying about other shit?

        She's been the perfect wife...while hiding a lie? Bullshit. keeping that kind of secret is not what perfect wives do.

        [–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        This x100. What the fuck are these private issues? They're private because she doesn't want you to hear it. The definition of private. Could be family related or some personal issue but my bet is she has been cheating more.

        [–]awayofthought 22 points23 points  (0 children)

        A few months after they met, she started acting a little distant.

        So you knew something was off.

        She slept with him on 3 separate occasions, without a condom

        Only took 7 years to tell you.

        Our marriage counselor

        You have already failed as a man.

        Our communication, love, sex, and everything else has been everything I could have ever asked for in a marriage.

        Yeah, because she is scared of losing you.

        I can't promise I'll truly forgive and forget.

        You won't forget. Everyday you will wake up asking if this is the day she will cheat again. She already had the audacity to cheat on you during your time together, what stops her from doing it again?

        [–]nastynickdr 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        Once a cheater, always a cheater. Ohhh so the counselor said YOU are impeding progress with your distrust? Why would that be? Maybe because your wife fucking cheated on you? I bet your counselor is a woman, right?

        Not only that, but she didnt tell you then, so you MARRIED her, and now that you are trapped with kids, she tells you, because now that you cant just walk away, she feels guilty right?

        What a fucking bitch.

        [–]dadstartingover_com 17 points18 points  (3 children)

        "Since I know she's been loyal to me for 7 years, and 100% of the time she has been my wife"...

        Heh.

        [–]Docbear64 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        people fascinate me , how is it that a ring and a ceremony apparently change someone? If she wasn't committed to being loyal to you as a fiance how could you possibly think she was committed to being loyal to you as a wife? We like to play up the ceremony and the ring like they mean something when a wife mindset should be a mindset she enters into the moment she says "yes , i'll marry you" .

        I will never tell someone to leave their wife I will never be married but consider any man who has agreed to such a union to have a regard for relationships that is much more serious than mine , however don't fool yourself if she cheated on you as an excited-to-be-married fiance there is no reason to assume she stayed loyal in the monotonous everyday role of a wife.

        [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        heh, heh.

        Heh, heh, heh.

        Heh, heh, heh, heh.

        Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

        [–]templatebot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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        [–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 14 points15 points  (4 children)

        She denied everything and was furious I would make that accusation.

        Textbook. That's what cheaters do..."HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME?!?!"

        I'm devastated, and don't believe what she's saying.

        Why should you? She's a fucking liar.

        She claims she was so desperate for friends at the time, she basically did it to keep him around, not because she really wanted it.

        BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA! That's fucking LIE. She whored it up because she WANTED to.

        Our marriage counselor seems to think her story is legit and I am impeding progress with my distrust, and not surprising.

        Your marriage counselor is a fucking CUNT.

        Ask this: "Everything I believed for the last 7 years is a lie. How am I supposed to 'just let that go'?"

        I'm suspicious of everything. The hardest part about this is that we've had a really great 7 years of a trusting and honest marriage delusion.

        FTFY.

        She has been completely devastated since she told me, so scared I was going to leave her.

        Good. Use that leverage. Don't promise, "Oh, poopsiekins! I would never leave you!" You now have Insta-Dread. Your wife should be fucking you, every fucking night, until your dick is black and blue.

        We're in marriage counseling and she is going independently since the counselor said she has some things to work through.

        She goes independently so they can plot how to gang up on you.

        She has been the perfect wife since D Day and answering any question I've asked her with honesty.

        The only thing you know is that she's a liar.

        I just can't shake what she's done.

        Nor should you. Have your kids DNA-tested to make sure they're yours.

        I can't promise I'll truly forgive and forget.

        So don't. Even if you forgive, you should never forget.

        [–]zyk0s 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        She claims she was so desperate for friends at the time, she basically did it to keep him around, not because she really wanted it.

        BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA! That's fucking LIE. She whored it up because she WANTED to.

        Women have sex for two general reasons: to gain something they want but can't get (easily) otherwise, and to satisfy the tingles a particular guy is given them at that time. So OP, ask yourself, is "friendship" something she realistically could not have gotten in any other way than prostitution (because that's how that first reason is called btw)? She told you that because it's slightly less hurtful than the truth, which is that he was hotter than you, and she probably even hoped to branch swing to him, but since that first choice didn't want her in that way, she settled for you.

        [–]beginner_ 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Nor should you. Have your kids DNA-tested to make sure they're yours.

        Depending on age that doesn't matter. After 5, they are officially your responsibility regardless what the paternity tests says (true in most if not all Western countries). So yeah OP, you should really hurry to get this done. Best to consult with a lawyer. Secret paternity tests are in some countries illegal and don't hold up in court (but are cheaper and maybe you want to first avoid all the legal crap before you have very high certainty they aren't yours).

        [–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I would want to know if they're mine or not, which might color my view on divorcing her, as I would be less likely to abandon my own genetic progeny, regardless of what legal avenues were open to me.

        [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Money woes aside, I'd want to know.

        [–]absolucion 22 points23 points  (0 children)

        I don't know what you hope to gain from here. Most people (myself included) are going to tell you to bail. She betrayed your trust and allowed you to build a life with her based on a lie. The counselor is an absolute piece of shit for shaming you into trusting her again. Find a new one that will take your feelings into consideration and isn't just trying to put paint on the stains of your relationship. Yes, the betrayal was several years ago but it's one that would have drastically changed the nature of your relationship had you known the truth. That's not a trivial thing. It's great that she's been faithful since then and that your relationship has been amazing since she told you the truth but it shouldn't erase her actions.

        It's up to you whether or not you want to forgive. Frankly, you're a better man than I am because that's a betrayal I'd never get over. With that said, never let anyone convince you that you should forget. Trust your instincts next time.

        [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        Oh man, you're in for a bumpy ride. What made you confront her just recently?

        [–]itsbooming 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        How old did you say the eldest is?

        [–]InChargeMan 16 points17 points  (5 children)

        Man, my blood pressure went up reading that...fucking women.

        I like the "get out of jail free" card. Tell her "you got 3, I get 3." then never mention it again. That should be some solid dread every time you go out of town. :)

        [–]gregmathison[S] -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

        It's so challenging to wrap my head around this occurrence still. I try to understand what she did but it's just disappointing. I know this is not the person I've been Married with for so long and enjoyed life's up's and downs. Just to be wrecked by such as an event as the A. The current challenge for me/us is her inability to express anything towards me.

        [–]dadstartingover_com 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Yes.. it is that person. You were duped.

        For so long? It's been 7 years. You got off easy.

        [–]InChargeMan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I feel for you, good luck. I would watch out for the "personal" issues, it does sound suspicious.

        Admittedly non RP statement: If I were you, I would bug her phone for her next meeting. There are voice recorder apps that can run in the background.

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Yes, it is the person....but you are just now really meeting her.

        [–]scrodzilla 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Seriously man. Divorce is worth it. The concept of divorce is scary, I know. I spent a year gathering up the nerve to file for divorce.

        Her family is not going to like you, but who the fuck cares? Life on the other side is so much better.

        There are women out there that you don't have to beg and plead to respect you.

        [–]7Fig 31 points32 points  (7 children)

        This is going to be some tough love:

        You digging around in the past on a hunch you had from 7 years ago is beta bitch horseshit. You seem incredibly jealous and that means you have a insecurities that you have yet to deal with. Every time you get jealous and loose your cool you are playing the role of the beta idiot and it is only a matter of time for a cool and confident chad to come in and fan her flames. You must be the leader and the rock of your relationship. Never again interrogate her for four days for something that happened 7 years ago. From now on your policy should be to deal with her and any issues you have immediately. Otherwise let it go and lead from the front.

        Unfortunately you have created your very own shit storm. If you don't leave her you will validate that you aren't a strong enough man to draw the line. You've already agreed that you won't be able to continue a healthy relationship with her at the end of the post. Don't drag this out into some dramatic multi year thing. Be the man you should have been 7 years ago who knew something was wrong and did nothing about it. Action is your only salvation.

        [–]covertpenguin3390 8 points9 points  (3 children)

        Yeah I agree with this. You decided not to double down on your original hunch when it happened and now you bring it up 7 years later? Ignorance would've been bliss at this point. But you can't go back in time so I guess that advice is useless to you. The only bright spot in this is that it seems like she truly repented for her prior mistake. This is the time to get selfish and evaluate what you really want out of this and what will make YOU happy. If you can't ever get over the betrayal, then cut sling load. I don't know how long this has been out in the open but I wouldn't make a knee jerk decision towards either option. Wait for your emotions to level back out and make your choice with a clear head. Don't confide in her for this issue anymore, you need a strong male to help you get over this with like a brother, father, or mentor/friend. I would advise you to dump her though because this level of resentment just doesn't go away for normal people. From now on you'll be watching her like a hawk and it will drive you insane and actually make you the one who drives her away eventually (I've been through something very similar and just wasn't emotionally able to handle it and kept lashing out until she cheated again). If you decide to leave her, get a bad ass divorce lawyer and don't tell her about the pending divorce until you have all your ducks in a row. The element of surprise is your only edge up in such an uphill battle to keep your finances and children secure

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)

        [deleted]

          [–]covertpenguin3390 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I get your point and don't disagree completely. I just personally at that point (7.5 years later with everything going "perfectly") would rather have just let my suspicions die back then because knowing the truth of a mistake someone made so long ago wouldn't net me anything too positive at this point. But I do also see the point in knowing because once a cheater always a cheater and knowing what someone is capable of is quite valuable. Though I also think that while rare, some people really can learn from their mistakes and fix them selves.

          I phrased that part not very well, of course that's not his job, but it is still something he DOES have to completely get over IF HE WANTS to make the marriage work still. Trying to continue it with that level of resentment will just scuttle it further down the road, but if he doesn't think he can get over it (I know I wouldn't) that's totally fine and he should act on it then. Since he seems somewhat determined to still try and make it work I felt that he should be aware that he's going to have to actually forgive her, and if he doesn't want to/can't then get out while you still can.

          [–]Vitamin_Red 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Game of Thrones Dialogue:

          "What he doesn't know won't kill him"

          "What we don't know is what usually gets us killed"

          Something like that

          [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Save all that for later. He was cheated on, he knew it, he finally got the stones to find out...now he can leave. I'd say you are overly applying "theory". And "ignorance is bliss" is fucking bullshit.

          No, learn from this shit and be stronger, but you are misguided to critique his level of alpha-tude over time in this way. Yeah, he needs to improve, obviously, but come on. He needs right now to stop being a pussy by leaving her.

          [–]scrodzilla 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Completely agree. OP, you need to read the books No More Mr. Nice Guy, Models, and The Married Man Sex Life Primer ASAP.

          [–]Endorsed Contributorbalalasaurus 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          At first I thought you were a troll, but you seem to have posted this question on multiple subs (including relationshits LOL) so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

          You've been told by many people that you should leave her, get a paternity test and ditch the counselor, but I'd like to ask you one simple question. You're trying to save the marriage for someone who obviously considered you a back up and treated you as such. Will you ever be able to live with yourself with that fact? And if so, how? I'd really like to know.

          You keep saying that you'd stay with her for the kids and for the marital harmony that she's working for but I call bullshit. At the end of the day you will always have that nagging feeling that you were her second-best option. That will do more damage to you and your kids than anything like a divorce every could. We're talking major inferiority complexes.

          At the end of the day, do what you want but if you really gave a fuck, you'd be a role model and not a martyr.

          [–]kappaccount 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          Dude, read all these replies. Read them carefully.

          I know it's hard, but it's the truth: there never were a healthy, happy marriage, which you describe, because she's been lying the whole time. All those years, where you were a team, and raised your kids, every single second she has been lying to you, by withholding this information. There is not a more toxic way to live. You guys may have a history together, and you may care for her, but she's a liar and she has no respect for your history, no respect for you, and no respect for your relationship. If she had, she would have broken down long ago.

          The kids may not even be yours. The marriage counselor will do absolutely nothing good for you, they will only support her and make you feel like you owe everything to her. This is not true.

           

          She may be devastated now, and tell you that she loves you, etc, but the only reason she's acting this way, is because she was found out: not because of guilt. Not because she regrets anything. Not because she feels like a terrible human being. She's devastated, because she was found out. Right now, she blames herself for letting you know, not for actually sleeping with the guy. Right now, she feels stupid for letting you know, not for sleeping with the guy. Had you not confronted her, she would be completely fine. She would smile and laugh. She would be the same sweet wife, that she's been for 7 years. Think about it. Think about it real good.

           

          Do you really want to be in a relationship with somebody like that? Knowing that she's been lying straight to your face for 7 fucking years, without breaking down once? ... Could you do the same to her?

          The best thing you can do for yourself, is first of all, check if the kids are yours. She should have no problem with you doing this. If she resists even once, you know there's a possibility they may not be yours. Don't give into her guilt-tripping you for not trusting her: She has done absolutely nothing worth of your trust, and you are in every right to double-check, fucking 100-check everything about her, if that pleases you.

          If the kids aren't yours, your life becomes so much easier. Take all that is yours and leave. Start anew. It's gonna be tough, but so much healthier for you. Trust me.

           

          If they are yours, you need to find another way: but bottom line is, get away from her, even if it takes some time. Begin right now: start sleeping in another room, don't eat with her, don't look at her: mind your own business, and have fun with the kids alone. Don't allow her toxicity into your life anymore, you don't deserve that. Don't live with somebody that is capable of lying with a straight face for 7 years (I keep repeating it, because it's fucking disgusting and it makes my stomach turn just to think about. I can't believe it).

          Get away as fast as possible, and get happy again. For your own sake. The kids, the parents, everybody will blame you for breaking the family apart, and they may never understand the truth: but the truth should be the only thing that matters to you. Standing up for yourself should be the only thing that matters to you, right now.

           

          The goal is to be happy. You will never be truly happy again with this woman. You can be ignorant and convince yourself of anything you want. But you will never be truly happy with her again. You will never trust her again. You will never be able to relax around her again. Start working now. It's gonna be hard, but if you do this, it will get easier over time. I sincerely hope you will do the right thing. Feel free to PM me if you still need to talk.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          It will always linger around in the back of your feelings/mind it will get easier and you will get over it more. But as soon as you guys go through a fight or rough patch it will surface extremely quickly. I don't know how you can trust her she cheated on you full stop nothing more to it. I know it's easy for me to say bail as opposed to you actually doing it having kids and all. But she made her bed and deserves the consequences.

          [–]RPthrowaway123 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Your whole life would've played out differently if you had known. I don't see how you can ever trust her again, knowing that she was willing to do that to you and then hid it for so long. She's definitely going to the counselor alone to try and work out her guilt - but what else does she have to be guilty about? This could be just the beginning of trickle truth here...and that counselor is a dick. You have every right and reason to not trust her and he says YOU'RE THE PROBLEM?!

          My 2 cents.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (6 children)

          Wow this is a tough one.

          Divorce REALLY sucks. Lets not discount that. You say she has been the model wife the past 7 years? Why are you bringing up the past?

          Seems like all these years you've known she cheated. You knew but never had the balls to dump her for it back in the day. Now 8 years down the road - a marriage and 2 kids in tow - all of a sudden you get the balls to man up and stand up for yourself. Well fuck.

          All well and good except its not just about you anymore. You are a father now and that deserves consideration. You brought two kids into this world with a woman you knew betrayed you. That's on you. Now you are going to blow up the marriage and they are going to suffer because of your weakness - because that's where this is heading.

          If she really has been a model wife as you say then why are you wasting money on a marriage counselor? And yes you are wasting money. Marriage counselors are only interested in one thing - forcing you into servitude. Your happiness is meaningless. You will always be the bad guy in the situation - even if she fucked 100 guys - doesn't matter. Their primary concern is happiness for the woman - who they see ideologically as the permanent victim in any relationship.

          It seems to me if she's been the perfect wife - then your house would be spotless and you cock well sucked and all would be good - you'd be a happy guy. If you are going to counseling that is not the case. The problem here is twofold. One - she's got self esteem issues that at least in the past she's tried to resolve by having sex with strange men. That's a big problem. Women like that get into the habit of using sexual attraction as vehicle of self worth. They get caught into a cycle of highs and lows fucking around and then feeling remorse. Its highly doubtful it was just a single weak moment. Like said elsewhere in this thread you are likely getting trickle truthed - she doesn't want to get divorced it sounds like - and fears the consequences of the truth coming out. The second part of this problem is you've consistently over the years have allowed yourself to be committed to someone incapable of having a monogamous relationship.

          You should have dumped her all those years ago, but you didn't. That action point - in that moment of truth - you did not do the self preserving thing. All these years later you are still living with the consequences of that poor decision. You were unable to do the difficult thing for your own sake - and now you are stuck in a marriage to a women you know fucked at least one other dude while being with you. That hurts your pride. Every day you look at her you know she cheated and you struggle with the fact that you aren't quite sure if you can completely trust her.

          Do you love this woman? Has she sufficiently made amends to you being authentically remorseful and then backed it up by a difference in behavior? Or is she still elusive with explanations with no changes in her behaviors? These are the question you need to honestly ask yourself. If she isn't contrite and she's still exhibiting bad behaviors then you need to just end it - because you are not dealing with a person who gives a fuck about you and wants to make the marriage work.

          IMO, I think this could be something you can forgive - seeing that it happened 8 years ago prior to your getting married - and if there is a willingness on her part to make things right - especially seeing that you have children. Yes those kids don't deserve to suffer over your fuck up of staying with a woman who you knew cheated - but were too cowardly to admit to yourself. I think forgiveness needs to come under only a very specific set of circumstances. Now you are tasked with the job of either fixing a shitty marriage - or ending it so the inevitable doesn't get prolonged.

          First of all... Fire the fucking marriage counselor immediately. If she wants to go to counseling individually - that's fine - but you don't need that shit.

          Secondly, its time to deploy massive dread game. Hit the gym like you never have in your life. Focus that angst and frustration on self improvement - mind, body and spirit. Focus on being the best man you can be - and make sure your kids get the best father imaginable.

          Most importantly, from here on out your wife isn't the default beneficiary of your love, attention and resources. These are things she needs to continually earn on a daily basis. This will be a real change - because up until this point she's been getting something she doesn't deserve. If she can't accept that condition, then separation and divorce. She has a shitload of ass kissing to do - and it can start by her doing some freaky shit in the bedroom. She needs to go buy a new teddy and some anal ease because its time to make daddy happy. This is non-negotiable. If she wants to stay married she needs to demonstrate that by proactively fucking your brains out. She's only going to be a naughty girl for you now - when you want it. Also, the house needs to be impeccable and she needs to be accountable to you for her time 24 hours a day. She's your wife - there shouldn't be a single second of the day where you don't know where she is - or where you can't reach her. This is normal in a marriage. Spouses know where each other are at all times. Every aspect of her life should completely transparent - phone, social media accounts, emails, etc... She should make them available to you at your discretion. Again, this is normal in a marriage.

          Her infidelity and your inability to stand up to it has left you feeling like something less than a man. You need to reassert yourself as a man to restore balance back to your life. You need to take charge of the marriage, the family and of yourself. Your wife needs to be on board 1000%. If she wants to make this marriage work and atone for her past fucked up issues - then she'll do what it takes. She owes it to you especially seeing that you are willing to give her that opportunity. Her life now is all about making you happy - being a good wife and mother. That's the way it has to be. If it can't be that way then the only way you're going to regain your self respect is by dumping her cheating ass.

          [–]Casanova-Quinn 4 points5 points  (3 children)

          Solid advice, but don't waste your time on this guy. Check his post history. He went right to the relationship subreddit a few hours after posting here to complain that a "male space" didn't support him. He doesn't want advice, he wants validation for staying with his cheating wife.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Well no surprise why his wife cheated on him. When you are not willing to stand up for yourself - people will walk all over you - even wives.

          [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          funny, they don't seem to be either.

          [–]the-bum-hammer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          These guys are already the biggest bitches. Their wives have basically fed them other men's cum in their kisses.

          They just want to curl up in the fetal position and have people tell them everything is going to be ok. The relationship thread will help them, not that "evil male" sub.

          [–]gregmathison[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          I like what you said and will ponder it

          [–]RPShitlord 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          You don't need counseling. You need to dump that bitch. Your kids will be better off for it, assuming they're yours.

          [–]HaikusfromBuddha 2 points3 points  (1 child)

          Dude seriously! If she kept this thing the entire time hidden from you and slept like a baby and was as great as you say the entire time then she is the perfect liar. Maybe she is a good person but holy fuck dude. Put yourself in her shoes. Would she stay perfectly fine with you if you were the one who cheated got some girl pregnant and never spoke about it ever again? Fuck no she wouldn't be fine with it and the only reason the both of you would stay together is because of the children.

          Had you not married her and had kids you or her would have split immediately. Now do you want to stay with this girl thinking every day that she has fucked some other guy behind your back lied every single day knowing full well of how huge that is. Don't give me this bullshit because she was desperate for friends. Well what if she was desperate for other things during you marriage? In the end you can be with this girl but you will forever know she is untrustworthy and may become upset like you said you were when you first suspected it. Will it be fair to your kids when you guys argue in front of them about that moment for the neat 20 years? Would you be okay if someone cheated on your kids and did the same to them? Fuck no you wouldn't and if you are then your fucked op.

          She isn't hoping to patch things up for your sake op, she is hoping to patch things up for hers. Who would take a women who is already knocked up and is a filthy cheater. Meanwhile you're the good guy and getting the punishment of it all.

          That condom story is ridiculous. More ridiculous than that popular condom story here on reddit.

          [–]somebullshitrp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Link to that popular condom story?

          [–]TomFoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          so it's not really an option for me to cut and run

          You and me and millions and millions of other poor, helpless schmucks. Like a broken record player, as if we all have been wired with the same programming (again, the Matrix analogy), spitting out the same self-DISrespecting shit lines over and over.

          I hope you are absorbing all the material in the main sub's (r / theredpill) sidebar material, along with the blogs, like The Rational Male, whose author also has two great books out on Amazon, basically a very well-organized collection of his blog posts.

          $1.99 on Kindle. Read this fucker tonight: https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi-ebook/dp/B00FK901R8/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=#nav-subnav

          Not to say you should divorce her. That's not the point. However...

          I went thru a divorce myself last year and although on paper it isn't nearly as crushing as yours, I never came so close to killing myself. It was tough to say the least, but you best believe I thank God--no, I don't believe in God-- I thank MYSELF every day since I've discovered TRP for going through with the divorce.

          If you're ready, willing and able, all this will save your life.

          [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

          "She slept with him on 3 separate occasions, without a condom, though allegedly it was awkward and he pulled out, she stopped it before it "ended". She claims she was so desperate for friends at the time, she basically did it to keep him around, not because she really wanted it."

          So she says. Also, what kind of crazy bitch is engaged and wants a male friend so bad that she fucks him?

          "I also feel like I don't deserve this. I wish she told me when it happened because I would have ended it, and found someone who would give me the same loyalty I was giving."

          And this is exactly why she kept this hidden from you, for entirely selfish reasons.

          "Since I know she's been loyal to me for 7 years, and 100% of the time she has been my wife, I'm not going to end it with her. She has been completely devastated since she told me, so scared I was going to leave her."

          You don't know this. How could you? Because a liar told you?

          "She was cheated on by every boyfriend she had in the past, and I always thought we were on the same page about cheating, but I guess things happened."

          Pure projection. I also dated a slut that said every guy cheated on her. Guess what she was like?

          For your sake, I hope she actually stopped this behavior and you can move on. I couldn't deal with it.

          EDIT: As stated by others, if you truly believe this was the one and only time, then I own a bridge I'd like to sell.

          EDIT: Also realize that if you were letting her hang out with male "friends" a lot or one on one back in the day then you were ignoring your legitimate concerns and gut instinct. Actually, if you didn't let her, but stayed with her after she suggested and did it....can't sound controlling now.

          EDIT: She did it AT LEAST 3 times bareback...so this was not a "mistake" where she was drunk and did something "dumb she regrets" (so even the usual female BS excuses don't apply)...she knew exactly what was up and went back for at least seconds and thirds while lying to you face the whole time. You are married to her solely because she is a good liar without much conscience. Okay with that?

          [–]NwAlf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          "Also, what kind of crazy bitch is engaged and wants a male friend so bad that she fucks him?"

          THAT is the point.

          [–]binrobinro 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          If you had done what she did, would she stay with you?

          [–]from_the_ashes_me 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          That's a tough situation, because no matter how it plays out, the damage has been done. At some level, you'll always know what she's capable of, and now with the house and kids, the stakes are higher.

          Since you've decided that you're sticking with the relationship, I would suggest that you do what you have to do to process this thing so it doesn't continue to undermine your marriage. You were wronged here. She knows it, you know it. That is a capital-T truth. She also took away your opportunity to make a different decision before you married her.

          You have to establish, absolutely clearly, your boundaries going forward. You have to take control and lead you both through this while re-establishing the new frame that you will operate under. And, if you're really serious about making this work, then you're going to have to not use this particular issue during any future, unrelated arguments. You'll be walking a fine line between what you know you would have done years ago and where you find yourself now.

          It's a tough road, and I'll tell you now that in some ways it would be easier for you to walk away, especially if you can't take control of your marriage and establish a new status quo that works for both of you. If you're too forgiving, you'll lose value. If you can't forgive her enough, then that could destroy any long term viability for your marriage going forward.

          Caveat: Before somebody trashes this post because I just didn't say "Get the fuck out of Dodge!" my response was tempered on OP already deciding to try to get past this. Having been divorced myself, my gut reaction would be to walk.

          Good luck.

          [–]Lospwr 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          The fact that she cheated on you several times without a condom smh. I don't care if it was 25 years ago,i myself could never get over something you've experienced. I have major trust issues and i don't put anything past any woman. On the other hand that is 7 years invested and who's to say she wont do it again.

          [–]beginner_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          and who's to say she wont do it again.

          and who is to say she hasn't already done so.

          [–]sertroop 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I had a similar experience.

          Just a couple of months ago I ended a relationship because I found out she cheated on me. The thing is, she cheated on me when we were just a month or so in our relationship, and I forgave her (I know better now). After that, we had the perfect relationship, until I found out she cheated on me again, which is when I ended it.

          After that we had a couple of chats and she told me she had cheated on me on another occasion, whilst I thought everything was great. Not so.

          Point is, she's not trustworthy, or at least you can't take her word for anything, learn from this and move on.

          And about the kids, as many people here have said, they might not be yours, biologically speaking, but you've raised them, they're more yours than whatever Chad the biological father may be. If you end up divorcing her, which you should, those kids will still be yours, it'll be hard to adapt for them and for you, but you can make it work.

          [–]Osoto_Gari 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Start lifting, take up a combat sport, start dressing better. These things will pay off whatever you decide.

          "she is going independently since the counselor said she has some things to work through" she's getting the counsellor to help with "how do I tell him the kids might not be his?" or "he went crazy when I told him about Bill. How do I come clean about the other guys? Do BJ's count as cheating?" and rest assured that counsellor isn't on your side

          [–]128bitworm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Bit by excruciatingly painful bit you will find out about the other "but things happen". Seven years, my friend.

          [–]Yami_Baddy 1 point2 points  (4 children)

          Over 7 years building up a relationship and living with her, having kids; You should not drop all that over something you waited to face 7 years.

          If she is scared that you will leave her, then rightfully so.

          Make her clear that it's on her to fix the relationship.

          Ultimately, you guys want to stay together, even if it has to be not as a couple anymore, for the kids sake regardless.

          [–]NwAlf 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          So many men´s lifes ruined for the "kids shake"... did she do the same? Would you give that advice to a woman, in the opposite scenario? That would be patriarchal for the feminism...

          [–]Yami_Baddy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          If you are not able to give up your own life, don't get kids.

          When you get kids, it is not about you anymore, nor about your partner. It's your job to make the best out of and for your successor.

          [–]NwAlf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          They will be ok even if he divorces from the woman. So your comment does not apply (indeed, I agree with it in the proper situation).

          And probably he will be a better father for them, instead of a broken soul.

          [–]nastynickdr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Lol. "Fix the relationship". Someone needs to read the sidebar.

          [–]beginner_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          And that's why you don't get married. Because if you were not married you could just walk away and only need to pay child support and $0 for her cheating liar ass.

          Now you start thinking rationally. Is it worth it to get divorced? All that time and money I loose? Should I not just look the other way? That would be a lot easier. Short term.

          The thing is trust is broken and that is something you can't fix. End it now. 7 years is below 10 years of marriage so depending on state you won't have to pay alimony for very long.

          [–]Elfclan30 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Happy marry, kids, cheating slut? Game over sir.

          [–]belditen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          "I cheated on you but..."

          You can erase everything that comes after "but". It's there to appease your mind and guide you somewhere you don't want to be.

          [–]Sensei_Hensei 1 point2 points  (3 children)

          How do you know 100% that hasn't cheated on you any other times?

          [–]gregmathison[S] -1 points0 points  (2 children)

          I would sense it

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          That's hilarious.

          [–]jacksonjacky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Honestly show her this post and tell her that these are some of the thoughts people shared about what you have done.

          So ask her what she thinks about it herself. Did she do everything right or does she deserve to be given the chance for betraying and lying to you all this time.

          Most importantly fire that marriage counselor who is acting as if it was not that big a deal and that you should forgive her just like that.

          She cheated she needs to do more to earn your forgiveness and thats something you cannot give away just like that to someone who trapped you in this relationship.

          YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG.

          [–]redpillbanana 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          Our marriage counselor seems to think her story is legit and I am impeding progress with my distrust

          That is the purpose of distrust: to impede you from progressing with someone who is going to screw you.

          [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Excellent point. Distrust is a self-preservation mechanism that slows you down so you don't get into trouble.

          [–]adam-l 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          (on mobile, so briefly)

          Try to see the positives, and I am not being sarcastic at all.

          • You just got permission to bang whichever girl crosses your way, with no remorse, for the rest of your life. This includes call girls.
          • You got a speed lesson what women are. Too late, but you did. You got wiser.
          • You are going to treasure yourself, and not invest him unwisely any further.
          • Trash love rhetoric. Female "love" is a scam.
          • It was not personal. She didnt betray you specifically. She would do it anyway.
          • Most important: you are now at the best u can be. Keep it this way, indefinitelly. You don't feel an obligation towards her, she feels she needs to defer to you.

          It is all about the kids now. Try to be kind, and get the most out of this stranger that is your wife *

          [–]MOCKxTHExCROSS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          You handled this all wrong. Confronting her, going to a counselor, asking question after question about the past as if you're in a courtroom drama. You're a man, the world values your actions, not your words or feelings.

          What you should have done is doubled down on YOU. Upgrade your gym membership to the best meat market in town. Get yourself a new set of clothes. Take a class on the side for a new skill. These are the only sort of actions that have any chance of "saving" your marriage, because they will increase your self worth.

          [–]empatheticapathetic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          AWALT. Who's to say you would have found someone else who wouldn't cheat on you if you had broke up with her. You could have found someone theoretically but TRP is all about expecting the worst. You could have ended up in a worse situation.

          This is one bad thing and you have all the rights to pull any decision you want and be fully justified. But this sounds like a good relationship. There's enough people out there having a shitty time.

          I don't have any advice about how to deal with your emotions.

          As someone else said, by acting like it's in the past and all is forgiven, she will lose respect and you yourself will never fully be able to accept it.

          [–]FilthMonger85 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Lessons learned: always trust your initial gut instinct.

          [–]Pie_keeper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Get.The.Fuck.Out.

          Not only because of the cheating and the lying -it's obvious that when she left for a day and was assuring you that she was not cheating. She was. That day. She was chastising you for not trusting her with the same mouth that was blowing him minutes before.

          But beside all that her behaviour is resembling erratic borderline disorder.

          [–]clint_bronson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          7 years, when you look at it really isn't that much, there's people who've been on your same position only 15 or 20 years later. There's still time for you to start anew, worst part will be on your kids, her you should give no fucks about.

          [–]DevilishRogue 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          Time heals all things and if you have kids you're fucked if you were to leave anyway. Basically it all feels fresh to you now because you've just learned about it now. If you've decided to make things work (which it seems you have and if you're certain it hasn't happened since is probably the right call) then this is an opportunity for you to make changes in your marriage that you want.

          Pain does go away and trust can be re-earned despite what many people say. The biggest issue now is whether you can get over it and if you can't what that means for your marriage and children.

          [–]Physio_Tool 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          One of the few sensible comments in this entire submission. Red pill presents with a poisonous tenet in its ideology and that is that women do not change and the past equates to the present. Its likely in 7 years she is a very different person and that she has matured and her priorities have changed. This does happen and I've seen it with my own eyes with my sister being a former selfish bitch who was on the brink of divorce but then turned into a rather selfless individual after marriage counselling and more involvement with the church.

          He should have overlooked it and realised that was a long time ago. Would knowing that at the time altered his decision to marry her? Most likely. But he got lucky with landing a girl who actually learned from her mistake (it appears to be that way) and presented to be a good person in the long run. Doesn't always work out that way and people should never bank on staying with someone in hopes they will change. Yes he was forced into this, but take the L on this one for the family. She needs to feel real pain and loss from this mistake she made and then get back with her so she knows if she fucks up again she will feel this exact same thing.

          [–]NwAlf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          In which different ages it happened? Your sister story. Because when they are not young anymore and cannot get hot guys, they "decide" to madurate and change priorities. Come on, man, wake up.

          The problem is that they feel like doing it in the moment, because you cannot change feelings easily, right? That´s why you cannot change the feelings of distrust and keeping in a relationship like that it´s bad for your selfsteem. A lot of guys these days try to rationalize as you did because they are afraid of facing reality. But they don´t become happy just thinking about it.

          "he got lucky with landing a girl that learned from her mistake" so sad advice. Is he lucky that his wife lied all these years? A person learns from a mistake when they face the truth, not when they hide it for no one to see it. Purple pill here, I´m afraid

          [–]RedneckInternational 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          You were dumb to ask at this point, she was dumb to tell you at this point, and you should get a paternity test for both of your kids regardless of what else you decide to do, and you shouldn't let her know that you're doing it if at all possible until the results come back

          If they come back with all of your kids being yours, then don't ever tell her you had them tested because then she'll have that as a weapon to use against you for "not trusting her" and you'll have to hear that bullshit for however long

          If any comes back as not being yours, then I think you should consider leaving

          Our marriage counselor seems to think her story is legit and I am impeding progress with my distrust

          There's a moderate chance her story is legit, but the idea of "impeding progress with your distrust" is fucking ridiculous considering you just has a massive bomb of a reason to show distrust dropped on you and haven't even really had time to recover. There's also a good chance she hasn't told you the whole truth

          The real crux of the thing for your relationship at this point isn't that she cheated, it's the length to which she lied to you and how easily she lied to you (and tried to turn it back around on you in the process), and that's what's shaking your trust so much now

          The bottom line is that you're in a really tough spot here mentally and emotionally, but you're 100 percent well within your rights to divorce her over this. Good luck man

          [–]full_package 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          She claims she was so desperate for friends at the time, she basically did it to keep him around, not because she really wanted it.

          She wanted to branch swing away from her boring fiance. But the dude was smart enough to next a slut that is engaged and fucks on the side with no condoms. She realized that she's not getting a better man to commit and settled down with you.

          If you haven't decided that you forgive her, I'd suggest you finding the guy who cucked you and having a beer with him. He'd tell you a lot of fun stuff. Since you have forgotten her just keep your eyes shut, it'll hurt you more to discover new stuff.

          [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Yeah, women don't know about male shit tests. They think we are these dumb ogres that also happened to invent everything.

          If a girl let's us fuck her too quickly or cheats with us, then we know that we can never really trust her. Also out of the deal we get laid in addition to good intel.

          [–]knightSwolaire 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          You gotta end this with a divorce. Or go your whole life with no respect for yourself.

          Paternity tests ASAP. You deserve to know if they are yours and you can't trust your wife ever again.

          [–]blackfin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Get a paternity test done on those kids man. Seriously. This will be a shaming experience for her and a truth expedition for you. Whatever you decided to do after that is up to you but I've got to side with a few people here and say that the odds are this isn't the only time she cheated on you, and why would she raw-dog the guy she is cheating on you with? That's not only a betrayal of your trust but a fucking health hazard for you as well.

          So what I'm gathering from this is that the only way she can make friends is by fucking them? She have any other "friends" or just the likability of a wet cloth?

          [–]stay_anon_stay_safe 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          though allegedly it was awkward and he pulled out, she stopped it before it "ended."

          this is the most desperate and absurd attempt i've ever seen at trying to save face, females are fucking delusional holy fuck

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          No shit. It was delusional and awkward and he pulled out....at least 3 times that she will admit to.

          [–]stay_anon_stay_safe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          the worst thing is that as retarded as it is, it helps the guy's hamster go

          [–]ecosci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          You are a beta and possible cuckold dont ever take sluts back she never loved you stop saying your marriage is or was great you are her designated provider she has a lover(s) to take care of her sexually its all women mating strategy dont be foolish she has never stopped cheating i promise you that so LET HER OR LEAVE HER.I can tell you one thing this guy is a alpha badboy because a married women with kids will not think twice about having unprotected sex with such a man its wired in her dna thats why men have to learn female nature and they wont be so surprised by their behaviours.

          [–]RPthrowaway123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          @redpillschool I think we can safely ban this guy, he went bitching about us to another subreddit because he didn't get the advice that he wanted i.e. we didn't tell him everything is going to be rainbows and lollipops. What a pussy...

          [–]chief_slap_ahoe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          You're an idiot if you think she only cheated seven years ago. I mean come on you just found a folder of deleted pictures of a guy that you know nothing about. You need to grow a spine pull your head out of the sand

          [–]ShotFish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Greg,

          Tough going this story of yours. Is your wife still into the hysterical bonding phase?

          People, and especially women, lie about their sexual pasts. The more partners a woman has, the lower her attractiveness as a spouse. Why? Women who have many partners find it difficult to bond with the men they have sex with. Whatever sexual and emotional itch they have, it is best scratched by a new guy, a new cock, a new emotional start.

          Right now you are like a new guy to her. Yes, you, because you have been more demanding. You squeezed some of the truth out. But you fear you don't know it all.

          Right now your wife is sex bombing you and that is preventing you from thinking straight.

          You need to turn it around.

          Have you asked her if she wants to feel better about the whole situation?

          The next time you give her a good banging while you are holding her in your arms ask her explain what really happened with the other guy so that she can free herself of the burden of bearing lies.

          [–]blackhawks93 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          The only way to even it out is if you fuck another woman, maybe an escort. Or else the power dynamics would be off.