Why do girls agree to dates if they’re just gonna flake? (self.asktrp)

submitted by redhotspicyjoe44

Why agree to a date if you’re just gonna flake? For the dates I’ve set up, I’ve been flaked on more than not. I feel like most guys would never even consider flaking but if they did, they’d feel at least a little bad. But it’s like these girls have no remorse. At least give a heads up you’re not showing. Most don’t even offer explanation when they don’t show, they just go silent.

I’m just wondering if there’s a reason why they agree to a date, flake and show no remorse when they do.

[–]fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck- 197 points198 points  (8 children)

You were merely an option. A better one came along.

[–]TRP Vanguardnicethingyoucanthave 69 points70 points  (3 children)

Incidentally, this is what the term "spinning plates" actually means (not the flaking, the multiple options part). You should be spinning plates too, OP. You should have "lots of irons in the fire." You shouldn't have "all your eggs in one basket."

There's lots of ways to say it but it's all the same advice. Don't focus or invest too much in any one girl, at least not until you've fucked her. Don't bother planning dates. Frankly, that probably scares them off. Ask if they want to hang out. Invite them to some casual thing and then go to it yourself whether they show up on not.

Join clubs on meetup.com. Do not go to these clubs to pick up girls! The point of the club is so that when you meet a girl you can say, "I'm meeting some friends at ___ tomorrow night, you should come hang out." Thats a much better tactic than a typical date.

You're still going to get flaked on, but it'll happen a bit less often.

After you fuck a girl, that's when you pull out the stops and treat her to something nice and expensive and preplanned. Not before.

[–]1morescoobysnacks 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The D word is definitely bad. It's like telling a girl you're going to get drinks and go back to your place. Too much pressure, no plausible deniability, girls can't move more than 1 step at at time.. lot of other shit.

Meetup.com advice is great too. I've gotten some solid lays from tennis and singles professional events. Not sure about the meetup with friends part, rather just hangout alone, but yea I feel it if you've got plans already.

[–]SpinPlates 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sup. I approve of this message.

[–]jozefiak0308 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As his username suggests, start doing more of that and you won’t even care that she couldn’t make it.

[–]TrenGod37 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That or feels. They came and went. and she has better plans. It doesn’t have to be with another dude either

[–]Flintblood 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Succinct and true. Women simply just called us leveraging their options, and it’s empowerment and it’s OK for them to do it. And I agree. The problem I have is how they characterize men who do this. If a man “creates options“, he’s a player at best, and a patriarchal misogynistic toxic male pig at worst.

[–]I_love_you_broskis 6 points7 points  (0 children)


[–]jackandjill22 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]rebuildingMyself 68 points69 points  (4 children)

But it’s like these girls have no remorse.

They probably felt bad the first few times they disrespected a man's time, but (like pair bonding) their empathy slowly slipped away as more and more men lined up to take a shot at her golden pussy.

[–]jackandjill22 12 points13 points  (0 children)


[–]markinsinz7 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There's no point to it anymore. The good ones I meet are usually taken. They brush off my approaches really smoothly without being rude. But you can tell they are level headed as they come max 2 count. Not that their unicorns who knows they could turn into coquettes by 25. But yea at 18-19 unless they had a whore time in high school these are the ones guys can give a bit of a fuck about

But rest of them, holy molly emotional baggage all the way. Just another number, just my turn. We say it so easy over here but damn it's fuckin crazy hard irl

[–]1morescoobysnacks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've gotta disagree with this. I've run daygame nearly full-time for 2 years. There are a lot of very well mannered women out there. High quality girls that, despite their probably high n counts (~10+), will not do this.

AWALT, but there are too many burned pussies around here that want to make everything out to be bad. Not implying that's you rebuilding. But you have to hustle your ass off to see the good. And it's worth it.

[–]RedSkeller 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Honestly most of them don't even know. It was raining, they weren't up to it, they had a bad day. Women tend to be more gravitating towards emotions (ever ask a girl what she wants for dinner? literally paralyzed by decision making), not to mention they have hundreds of options (better options or so they think) on swipe apps. It's a crap shoot but if they're online dating they're getting flaked on and stood up too.

[–]-tb0ne 23 points24 points  (0 children)

In my experience, a lot of the time they’re just too nervous to say no up front. They would rather be agreeable and then get rid of the date later in the manner that requires the least confrontation. They also put no thought into how any future interactions will be tainted by this cloud they create. It’s childish but it is the way it is.

[–]blister333 43 points44 points  (8 children)

If you had a date lined up with a 6 and then had the chance to bang an 8, what would you do?

[–]Rosace_89 53 points54 points  (7 children)

at least give a shitty excuse

but some women have no decency

[–]effyouasshole 19 points20 points  (6 children)

A shitty excuse would only string you along. Flaking out sends a definitive message.

[–]gamerbike 16 points17 points  (5 children)

flaking is such a bitch and weak ass move tho, why cant people be straight with one another

[–]askmrcia 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Because people suck in today's time That's why.

Personally I would Perfer a chick tell me she's not interested instead of flaking or ghosting because it does waste my time.

I even see it in meetings at work where tug women won't speak up. They will wait until after the meeting to speak their mind about something because they are afraid of any push back or confrontation.

This is why they flake instead of being straight up. It's so easy to hide behind a phone screen and communicate instead of being up front.

[–]effyouasshole 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That's not how society works. Why this is the case is a (rather involved) topic in and of itself, but in the end, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you 1.) understand the rules, and 2.) use them to your advantage.

Don't expect the world to change because you want it to. Accept it for what it is (irrationality and all), and maximize your potential within it.

[–]HIJKelemenoP 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're dealing with women...

[–]LifeLikeFire_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol have you even read the sidebar, you don't sound like you've accepted or understood it yet, you and the 15 people who upvoted you.

[–]thegabescat -1 points0 points  (0 children)

But the truth might be, "I might like you, but this other guy has big feet, so he probably has a big cock. You have small feet, so I assume you have a small cock and can't fill my stink hole to my satisfaction."

[–]No1Buck 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Because they make multiple overlapping dates, then on the day of they go with the biggest Chad.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

And men should do the same. Sounds like these guys never done it. I'll usually set up 3 or 4 dates at the same time and just pick the hottest one who confirms, and then come up with a crappy excuse for the least good looking ones and flake accordingly. I've lost enough time with single dates who flaked last minute due to a "family emergency" so I don't give a shit.

[–]No1Buck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most guys have enough trouble setting up one date.

[–]danp64 19 points20 points  (0 children)

You can complain all you want but it’s not gonna change anything, I know how you feel it’s shit but you gotta adapt and deal with it

[–]Peter_B_Long 9 points10 points  (0 children)

A lot of the time it's for validation. They want to see how far you'll push to be able to see them. They want to be chased. Just next them and approach new girls.

[–]lapeparoja 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You think like a man. To understand this you have to think like a woman for a moment. I will give you only 5 reasons, but could give you 100, at the end, who cares, move on.

1) to get validation 2) to string you along and not flat out reject you 3) She meant it at the moment , but then when the moment came she didnt feel like it, fall asleep 4) Another hotter guy came along 5) she wanted to come but then dad/boyfriend/mom/friends invited her to another thing

[–]metallica11 3 points4 points  (1 child)

1: options

2: they don't have a personal connection with you yet. you are just an item in a catalogue.

funny thing, you think they would learn. After getting pumped and dumped by the HAWT guys. however, now their new "threshold" is set and they no longer find men at their OWN DAMN LEVEL attractive.

attraction to men due to female hypergamy is indepedent of their own value.

[–]Caleb666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

2: they don't have a personal connection with you yet. you are just an item in a catalogue.

I think this is the main reason. Plus, it's always hard to give someone bad news... much easier to just disappear.

[–]Original_Dankster 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When she made the date, you were the best option. Then as time progressed, a better option presented itself. She didn't cancel with you because just in case that better option flaked on her, you were her Plan B. But that better option came through, and she flaked. Oh, and there's no reason to contact you to tell you, because she wants to avoid confrontation and from her perspective you should get the hint and fuck off to sulk in a corner.

Pretty simple, really.

[–]HistoricalProgress 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Read pook

[–]omega_dawg93 4 points5 points  (1 child)

sometimes, women say, "yes," just to get you to STOP calling and/or asking... hoping you'd calm down.

the REAL tell is how you handle the "flake." if you persist AFTER she's flaked, she'll consider you even lower status. if you NEVER, EVER contact her again, that's better... bc first, she doesn't deserve your time, and second, she likely doesn't give a shit and is prolly dealing with a hard one.

[–]blister333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I remember watching shark tank and Mark Cuban said something along the lines of “you know how you get a salesmen to go away? Give him enough of a yes to stop talking.”

[–]Ricklogical 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is a common problem. Don't take it personal and just continue working on yourself. As your value increases this should happen less, but nothing stops it from happening. Most people are just not very good at managing life and thus flake on someone regularly, maybe they remembered and you weren't as important as the other people that were triple booked for that time slot.

Expect it till it doesn't happen with someone, never expect or assume it wont happen a few times with anyone and always be comfortable doing whatever you were going to do with them by yourself for the pleasure of the experience.

[–]Kabuki431 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Always have 2 to 3 dates lined up for same day time. Better to options than disappointment.

[–]frankreyes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because otherwise they'd have to take responsibility for their actions.

It also boosts their ego when some dude hits on her.

I know at least two girls, whom I banged many years ago, that like to silently make fun of beta Nice Guys.

  • The first one confessed me that when she was feeling down she'd go to the Facebook profile of a mutual friend, who is a great beta loser, to have some fun reading what he writes in his profile.
  • The second girl has an instagram profile where she posts conversations of Nice Guys hitting on girls, she was pushing me to be a follower.

[–]jrr6415sun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

From my experience Some girls have a hard time saying no so they say yes and then make up an excuse later.

[–]okuli 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Here's what I do to avoid flakes:

- setup a date 1-4 days in advance

- send a message a day before the date to confirm that we're still on

- send a message 30-60 minutes "leaving, see you soon, I'll be wearing blah"

I've never had flakes. The "worst" - they sent me a message in the morning that they can't do it today, and either reschedule or cancel it.

[–]jfgw2 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Maybe post your text exchange?

[–]redhotspicyjoe44[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

For tinder girls I've kept to logistics only to not come off as needy or as an orbiter. Is actual text conversation necessary? If it is I'm not sure what the line is between being playful and beta.

[–]Locogooner 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I would say the less time between the match and the proposed meet, the more you can push for logistics on Tinder.

So if you match a girl and she says she’s free tonight, sure, only bother with the logistics.

But if you match with a girl and she says she’s free in a week, just messaging her logistics is a near guaranteed flake.

Drop a few feeler messages and inquire about what she does / what she’s up to WITHIN REASON.

[–]wawakaka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

they have nothing to lose...

[–]kayfab 1 point2 points  (0 children)

attention seeking whores that is why online dating is the worst

[–]EdvardMunch 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I dont like that better option came along thing, it doesnt mean it was another dude. I flake on dates a lot as a dude because when it comes down to it my drive when asking out was a number of reasons thats rarely super into it. Usually its "she could be a fun date/bang" and honestly im willing to bet thats most girls. Not a lot of them young ones are looking to settle, likely the settle comes from an alpha type not giving them what they want driving them nuts. Girls today at least like getting laid, having fun. Its not that hard, just chill out and be understanding.

If you're sensitive own it, amplify your own insecurities and women will melt. Don't pretend to be what your not, just confidently accept who you are with reason. Thats whats cool because like toughness or sensitivity, they are like changing fashions. The avoidance is the fear, thats the weakness.

[–]redhotspicyjoe44[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is really helpful advice, thanks dude

[–]punchyson 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Trying to figure this out is useless. Could be for a lot of reasons. Most of the time they're down for a date right at the time you ask them, not 3 or 4 days ahead when they probably already have lost interest. Especially if it's online.

That's why you need to set up multiple overlapping dates, pick the hottest one and flake the rest accordingly. Women have no respect for men's time, so why should we? Pathetic.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Never had a flake but I’d guess you’re not interesting enough. If you’re meeting them online your text game probably sucks and you might want to get better pictures. If you meet them in person then you probably need to be more interesting or fun, do give out too much information about yourself (chicks need to discover that for themselves) and be more playful. She’s looking for fun.

[–]redhotspicyjoe44[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I think this it a lot of it. For the one's I've met online, I've found they're more likely to actually agree to a date if I keep it simple and stick to logistics, but at that point I think I might be coming off as boring. Is there a way to be seem playful/interesting through text without coming off as beta or something? I think it's a fine line but I'm beginning to think it's necessary to establish some rapport with tinder girls.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. Flirt and be funny./fun. The” texting for logistics” is only for girls you met in real life.

[–]Rosace_89 4 points5 points  (3 children)

maybe you come off as butthurt and needy?

when i feel like a girl is not very interested but keep responding for whatever reason, i playfully remind her that she can cancel anytime because it's part of the game of dating

Women don't see themselves and don't want to feel as a bad person, don't put them in any situation of this kind OP

[–]redhotspicyjoe44[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Thing is, I purely stick to logistics with these girls. Though nearly all of them are off tinder. It seems like there's a fine line between not showing any personality and coming off as needy over text before actually meeting her.

[–]boredathome19 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They dont know you, they're not interested in your looks enough to meet up with a total stranger. Yes, don't text her every waking minute, but have a short, fun, light hearted conversation and they'll show up.

[–]RedHoodhandles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tinder bias. Don't expect to meet quality women over tinder.

[–]Endorsed ContributorNightwingTRP 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]Greek-God-Brody 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anything a woman agrees she does so because she believes that at that moment.

[–]iLLprincipLeS 0 points1 point  (2 children)

How long you wait before you invite them?

[–]redhotspicyjoe44[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Almost right away which seems like part of the problem. Granted most of these girls are from tinder. But I’ve found it’s the easiest way to get them to agree to the idea of hanging out, it’s just rarer they actually agree to the place and time or if they agree to it, show up. Here’s the typical exchange:

Me: Anna Her: Joe Me: You’re cute, let’s grab a drink Her: Ok! Me: #? Her: gives number

Then once I get the number I usually text the next day and go to straight to logistics. Based on how many numbers I’ve gotten and how many girls have agreed to the idea of hanging out, I think I need to flirt over text somehow to establish rapport but I don’t really know how to do it without seeming needy or like an orbiter.

[–]nofilmynofucky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hypergamy gives zero shits.

[–]AmazonAlphaMale 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should have other options as well. This doesn’t have to be girls it can be other things you enjoy doing l.

[–]whuttupfoo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s because you’re talking about Tinder sluts. Get the fuck off Tinder and go meet some better women.

[–]Zanford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In case HER better options flaked on her, you were a backup.

[–]HeadingRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A set-up date usually means she wasn't interested in you - she was interested in going out on a date. You happen to be there - and after accepting she then thinks about you.

Stop asking why - it happens. It happens more to you because you're not a top choice andor she has a lot of options.

Also a set-up date usually means she wasn't interested in you - she was interested in going out on a date. You

[–]Johnnyvile 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s easy to ghost then there is no conflict that they have to deal with. This is why most jobs send a generic “thank you for trying” email if they don’t want to hire you.

[–]assholeofthesky -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

because they may have a certain amount of interest, until YOU give her a reason to decide to flake ie overneediness, being a beta bitch

[–]turtlings 4 points5 points  (0 children)

nah people ghost all the time, myself included. Could be stranger anxiety or just never intended to meet someone especially through online dating. Of course overtexting is real, but flaking online is so common; I’ve flaked many times and also been flaked before . It’s not a fault, just learn to identify if it’s not going anywhere and stop.