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Why doesn't anyone reach out to me first? Why is it that I must always be the one to do so? (self.asktrp)

submitted by EmbarrassingPostAcc

This is something that's always been this way for me. It's like I am non-existent essentially. I haven't gotten an invitation or even a "what's up, how have you been?" for as long as I can remember. It's making me question the authenticity of every (what I thought to be) friendship I've had. I feel like I don't have any 'true' friends.

Is it because I haven't put as much effort in on my end to make a relationship? Even so, why is it me that must put in said effort in the first place? I'm not trying to hamster myself out of responsibility and effort, but it makes it seem like no one wants to associate with me.


[–]DiscordantMonk 194 points195 points  (21 children)

Initiation is leadership. Ever since I was a kid, it was always me initiating. I have a solid group of lifelong friends and I continue to make more. I initiated contact and set plans and they follow. This is a good thing, be a leader.

[–]DownyGall 58 points59 points  (5 children)

Shit. Never thought of it this way

[–]DiscordantMonk 32 points33 points  (4 children)

I struggled with this for years my dude, now I see it for what it is.

[–]DownyGall 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Yeah and it's always seriously annoying trying to get a group together when it's like "hey what do you guys wanna do/what movie do you wanna see?" Much less of a headache if I just accepted the idea of leading.

[–]DiscordantMonk 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Absolutely, do the things that you want to do. Those things are probably what they want to get in on

[–]DownyGall 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This might be the best, most practical piece of advice I’ve gotten on this sub. Thank you

[–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You make some good points there.

[–]midnightreider 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This is the best answer. Gaining respect from your peers takes time in some form or another. Either you’ve built up such an impressive social resume over time that you’re respected off the bat by new people at another’s recommendation, or you built rapport with said new people. By initiating, you’re building that respect as a host of types. Bringing people together makes you a social leader

Edit: I’ll add that I’ve had to gain friendships and respect this way, and it certainly works very well. You’ll have people that never come out. Don’t continue to contact them as you’ll come off as needy and they won’t want to hang out. Eventually you’ll build a large group of good friends that you’re highly respected in

[–]_isthisthingon 3 points4 points  (1 child)

This is true to some extent, but lets not forget that people wouldn't indulge in any sort of activity with you if you didn't provide some sort of value to them. And I'm inclined to say that when this is the case, you know it and you're able to understand that you initiating said contact and setting plans is somewhat expected and eagerly anticipated by everyone else in that social circle.

What OP's describing seems more like a victimization and not coming from a mindset of simply being "tired" of being the leader, and wanting others to set plans where he can tag along as well. I understood it as OP's being left out unless he does all the heavy work, and if that's the case, he needs to fix whatever it is that puts people off of the idea of socializing with him.

[–]DiscordantMonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understood the mindset, being exactly what you stated, being left out. I'm sure OP brings value to his social interactions. I was in this exact situation and it took me years to really understand what was going on. I'm just not suited to following, which might be ops case, maybe not. Also depending on the strength of his relationships with these friends, he could even delegate that they find something for them to do this weekend. Sending out feeler texts is easy to do if you don't feel like planning.

[–]LuftwaffeMeindl 3 points4 points  (1 child)

initiation is leadership only if your initiation is followed by a "command" , that's leading, because you'll look submissive if you initiate and wait for the other to take relay

[–]DiscordantMonk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly, once you have a plan, you need to execute it. You shouldn't leave it in someone else's hands, unless that's what you want.

[–]redvelvet_oreo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Im late to the party here but this is awesome.

To add to this you are also putting people in your frame when making plans and having people follow.

OTOH to what other commentors are saying I can agree also it depends on where its coming from with OP. If OP is being the left out person he needs to recognize this for what it is and cut all ties and build new social circles and lead from there.

I never had the issue OP had but I will say from having many different social circles when ever you are new in peoples eyes it dosent take much for them to form an opinon or perception of you.

For example I went raving with some people from a reddit group I am in. I never met any of these people before. Had a great time with them at a party. That night I was caught hooking up with a girl. Fast forward to another night we all hung out I number closed a few chicks. Fast forward to another night I was with them and I was meeting a plate at a venue. One of the dudes said me to man your always with some girl! I can tell just based on what he said he thinks of me as some don juan. Him and the rest of these people will always think this. If that guy talked to another social circle of mine they would think they were talking about two different people.

The point is use peoples perception and imagination to your advantage. With new groups of people is like having a clean slate. Take massive action and let them paint the rest of the picture of you.

[–]Elitevaz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This ^

[–]RiMbY 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bingo

[–]blister333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great prospective, I need to adopt this mindset. Sometimes I think it’s a bad thing that I initiate often.

[–]pollodustino 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had occasionally thought this way way back when I was in high school, but it never stuck. Took me years to figure out this is the best way to think about it. Too bad it didn't kick in sooner.

Lead them. If they like you and want to be around you, they will follow.

[–]Kornell2018 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I really can relate to what you are saying. What happened to me, is i was a group leader for a while. After it faded away. Nobody reaches out to me on their own and now when i reach out to them and they always are busy or something i take it personal, and i also doubt that i should ask them again, i disappear in their lives for a while thinking they will get back to me themselves. But nothing works. And i still struggle making new friends.

[–]DiscordantMonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Once I hit 25ish I left my home state, got married, and moved across the country. I worked hard at maintaining the relationship with my friends. I would go home to visit and they would drive 364 miles to hang with me for two days. A couple of them flew to me over the years. While I was working across the country, my job became my life. My coworkers were my brothers. I didn't go out and make new friends. I didn't hang out with my coworkers outside of work, until I decided to get divorced and move home... At that moment I found that I didn't lead those relationships correctly. I could have been doing amazing things with them that whole time. I still maintain those relationships though. So if I do go back I'll have a handful of people to spend time with.

[–]_isthisthingon 35 points36 points  (11 children)

I had a girl friend cry over this same issue not so long ago. Like, the exact same issue. More than once actually. You could be her for all I know.

Ask yourself, deep down, do you provide value to your peers? Are you someone people enjoy having around? Are your thoughts and opinions valuable to them? Do people actually have a reason to want to have you around?

[–]Droogas 9 points10 points  (9 children)

This right here. You cannot blame others for not wanting to be around you. This is a you problem. Be someone they want to be around or be friendless. Be valuable to them by having value.

[–]1984Survivor 1 point2 points  (8 children)

Try to answer me avoiding vagueness and undefined statements like "have value" and the like.

How does one acquire that value? How can one become somebody people like hacing around, somebody his friends actually call to invite to parties&hang out?

Be precise, please

[–]aDrunkenWhaler 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How does one acquire that value?

Value is relative and depends on each situation. A succesful business man can be a loser in a dance class where all the girls drool over the 5'6" latino instructor. A gamer/geek can be the coolest guy at the right convention etc.

As a rule of thumb, this almost always helps: Be interesting, be passionate, be the best at something, be curious, be empathic, learn to listen to others, be charismatic, be funny, help others (advice, resources, connections), be a leader, have social status, make others feel good or have fun around you, don't be boring, be succesful, be attractive, have hobbies, have knowledge, be flexible, be understanding, don't be weird, don't judge openly or bad mouth, have a dgaf attitude, have cool and attractive people around you. The list is endless.

How can one become somebody people like hacing around, somebody his friends actually call to invite to parties&hang out?

Be precise, please

With time, patience, experience and a good plan to improve yourself. By becoming the person you would want to be around. Read all robert green's books, listen to jocko's podcast, take cooking and mma classes. Focus on you.

[–]_isthisthingon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How does one acquire that value? How can one become somebody people like hacing around, somebody his friends actually call to invite to parties&hang out?

  • Can you formulate a statement relevant to a subject of common interest to the whole or part of your social circle? Can you debate, give thoughtful insights with a solid theoretical or practical foundation, based on knowledge you aquired through education, working or an assorted experience you lived?

  • Can you party hard?

  • Do you have a skill or have you collected information you can provide for the sole purpose of feeling good with yourself for being helpful towards another of your kind, like giving tips to your friend who just started lifting?

If your answer to any of the above is yes, then you most likely have value to add to your social interactions.

[–]Elatea 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Try to answer me avoiding vagueness and undefined statements

this is asktrp lad. Dont expect too much.

[–]Droogas 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How to have value is TRP 101, read the fucking side bar.

[–]Elatea 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree, was making a joke about how most advice here is a waste.

[–]yumyumgivemesome 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Take up a hobby, especially one that would be interesting to others or could help lead you into a circle of friends with that same hobby. Seek out interesting experiences or experiences that make you more interesting to talk to -- travel, practice talking to random strangers, use the comfort of talking to strangers to go to a concert or festival alone and make friends with whoever you happen to bump into, skydive, read a new book every month.

[–]blister333 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doing stuff solo is a great way to throw yourself out there and build social skills quickly.

[–]Droogas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read the side bar, please

[–]FromTheCaveIntoLight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is spot on. You need to provide value for people to reach out to you. But you can also be the one that brings people together with set plans of action. If you do that you will be a leader.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (8 children)

So from years of traveling around and constantly having to reestablish new relationships and social circles as an adult, here's what you do:

  1. take a break from those friends you keep contacting. the more frequently YOU try to contact them without them reciprocating, the lower your worth becomes to them in their eyes. Take a serious break.

  2. sit down and really think for a few minutes about "what do I want for MY life"? And whatever it is, just fucking do it even if you're doing it by yourself. Wanna watch Deadpool 2? Just go. You dont NEED to be with anyone. Wanna go eat at a fancy steak house? Starve yourself for a few hours and fucking go. Want to meet new people? www.meetup.com. join some clubs that YOU'D be interested in and go meet a ton of cool people.

  3. Made a new friend? Great, now invite THAT friend to some other event that you know of or have heard of. Maybe that friend will invite you to one of his or her parties that they know of in the future too.

  4. join any kind of sports/gaming/band that creates team bonds. The more competitive the sport, the better you're gonna get along with these people.

  5. Post all your cool events and competitions and board game nights on social media. Make sure all your old friends see that you're having an absolute fucking blast without them.

  6. You're old friends are either going to not give a shit or gonna start you up again but at this point you've made so many new ones who value you so much more that it wont matter anymore.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Commenting for a reminder in the future.

[–]frontiermarine 1 point2 points  (1 child)

this is good advice

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

appreciate it

[–]htbf 1 point2 points  (4 children)

5 is cringy as fuck. Don't do that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

if the redpill is about discovering truth, then one truth that's hard to swallow is that social media matters this day and age. Just to be clear, there's a huge distinction between someone who's posting shit JUST to show off and someone who's posting a lot of content because they're genuinely involved in so many things in their lives. I'm advocating for the latter. One consistent thing Ive seen with my friends who dont have a solid social circle and who always complain about being bored but never going out, is that they aren't involved in the social media game.

You can choose to ignore it if you're that repulsed by it or you can choose to take a step back, lower your ego, and do the shit that works. It's like the guy who's never approached a girl saying "yeah approachings for noobs, i'm above that" while being sexless for over a year.

[–]Hydroeletric_ 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It's partially cringy, the board game part.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

then don't do it. If you let the opinions' of other people dictate what hobbies you should and shouldn't do, then you're no different from a boy.

[–]htbf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not the posting to social media that's cringy. It's the "make sure your friends see it" that's stupid. You should not give such fucks about it. Post it because it's cool and because it may open opportunites. Doing it to drive a point home to people about you is liking choosing the brand of your cat after studying what car hot girls dig the most.

[–]iskandph 7 points8 points  (1 child)

bro, ignore 90% of the answers here

remember when we discussed at the main sub that the SMP became cancer around, what, 40 - 50 years ago?

that does apply to men as well - most of them are cancerous branch-swinging maggots who only hang with you while you provide satisfying value to them.

of course I will not deny true friendships as they exist but I have the opinion that only some special friends - like those from childhood, military, school or other special situations - stay with you long term

remember the halo effect? I've seen the most autistic shitters get along with other people just because they're rich and provide value lol

therefore, increase you value to as much as you can and you should be green to go

[–]ac_bro 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This , anyone who went from being fat/skinny to actually buff will notice how much differently your male friends will treat you.

Weird how that works, but nobody wants to be friends with losers.

[–]Wrath_of_Trump 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Initiating depends on context. Most people are not initiators, they are waiters. They wait for others to come to them, and that's not because they think they're more important. They just don't value themselves (or their own time) enough to take charge and "impose" themselves on others.

In context of women, yes they expect men to initiate and they are sizing you up, but in most other senses, initiating is not what you think. If someone doesn't initiate them, there's a good chance they will sit on their ass and do nothing, and feel bad about it.

[–]blister333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep most people, especially women, are insecure and won’t initiate much, if at all

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

you lack patience

and smv

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Agreed. When you're jacked, pulling girls left and right, you demonstrate value not only to girls, but to the men around you.

[–]Narcissist456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dread game your friends.

[–]Time_Animal_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

people will reach out to you when you have something you want and you make them work, even just a little bit, for it

[–]yumyumgivemesome 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They call it Social Market Value because life is a marketplace. People want to buy (read: hang out with) people who are fun/interesting/etc. depending on their current mood. If you aren't interesting, then starting picking up a hobby or knowledge or experiences that will make you more interesting. If you already are interesting, then you need to learn how to present that. For example, if people are talking about traveling to Europe and you actually went backpacking a few years ago, be sure to speak up, but in a way that presents value/information/stories to them rather than empty bragging.

  1. Be interesting/fun. (If you aren't, then work on yourself to become more interesting/fun.)
  2. Work on marketing how interesting/fun you are.

[–]RomeNeverFell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here man.

[–]DoubleOsiete 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you want people to approach you, you must be the leader. You will never see the return you are looking for unless you are the one in charge. All leaders will have their subordinates approach them and try to build favor with them. Lead by being the best man that you can be and providing value to your group. If you are not the groups true leader, being the leaders equal and confidant will still gain you favor. Discordantmonk makes a great point about the initiation of contact. Lead your men and benefit from the relationships, if not prepare to follow.

[–]TheLanternFlame 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Somehow I did this after not seeing some of my friends due to being introvert af, but after building myself for a year, we tend to go out the extra mile. Going to see them personally, chat with them for a while, set up gatherings, talk with the people around. That's how I did mine, by going the extra mile you not only get proof, but let the other party think about you more deeply and genuinely.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis. That's where you'll find sympathy.

If you want to have a conversation with someone, then start it. You're a fucking man. Act like one.

[–]camknight15 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I have the same issue.

[–]UnpluggedNigga -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Cuz ur needy