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why do I get scared by girls that like me? (self.asktrp)

submitted by padrehopeccato

I'm quite sure this must happen to somebody else here... It seems like my confidence is inversely proportional to IOIs: when a girl openly likes me I shit my pants and I feel like I'm falling in a black hole of autism, really difficult to get out of it. Why is it? I'm so fucking angry at myself, so much reading, work on myself and failed approaches and then when randomly a situation comes up with a girl interested in me I get scared


[–]Store_Front_Door 90 points91 points  (3 children)

Because you're inexperienced and try your hardest not to fuck up when a girl shows interest. It should pass once you brute force straight through your fear and smash a few chicks.

Also, there's a method used by therapists to treat phobias, where a patient is told to exaggerate a scenario that is causing him fear, but in a funny way. (For example if you're afraid of public speaking you should say to yourself "oh boy, I can't wait to forget my whole speech once I step on the stage"). The acknowledgement makes you recognise how irrational the fear is and humour creates a dissonance and removes you from the fear. You can try doing this.

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Also, there's a method used by therapists to treat phobias, where a patient is told to exaggerate a scenario that is causing him fear, but in a funny way. (For example if you're afraid of public speaking you should say to yourself "oh boy, I can't wait to forget my whole speech once I step on the stage"). The acknowledgement makes you recognise how irrational the fear is and humour creates a dissonance and removes you from the fear. You can try doing this.

come to think of it, this sounds similar to the negative visualisation method Roosh proposes in Day Game. It consists of practicing viewing the worst possible scenario (girl yells you "fuck off looser" and everybody turns looking at you) and then going for it, realising it won't ever be THAT bad

[–]Datanami 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, also try to view your anxiety, it's physical symptoms such as heart rate, sweaty palms etc, not as signs of anxiety but of excitement. There was a post about it too

[–]SilkTouchm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always did that, didn't know it was a form of therapy.

[–]Wrath_of_Trump 19 points20 points  (0 children)

It's because you walk around with the assumption that you have a tiny, unwanted, ronery dick instead of an 80lb dick drenched in rando fluids. Go accomplish something

[–]quicklogaccount 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Annoying women/manginas will be annoying and will say it is because you must be in control and need to learn to let go of it. They're kind of right, but it doesn't necessarily has to do with you needing to control, but rather with you having learned to rely on a method or road to handle and ease a particular situation that is surrounded by natural anxieties and being alien to it happening otherwise, in which case you go heads first into the whole anxiety deal.

Shit like that is bound to happen, unlike with women, your partner won't take your hand and walk you through your anxieties. You need to find a way through them yourself, and we'll end up relying on some crap to use as clutches to help ourselves though. Your game, it seems.
As you get more practice with whatever is it that is making you anxious, you'll be more at ease. Don't bother a lot. Until there, I suggest using a hack in your game to handle the situation:

"If women are showing strong IOIs, I will escalate to making out. If she is with friends, I will humorously excuse me to isolate her before I do that."

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Shit like that is bound to happen, unlike with women, your partner won't take your hand and walk you through your anxieties. You need to find a way through them yourself, and we'll end up relying on some crap to use as clutches to help ourselves though. Your game, it seems.

yes I've been thinking recently (i.e. last 6 months) that I have to personalize my game... as is now it kinda sucks to be honest. I'm the type that has really cool hobbies and interesting life/experiences but have trouble "selling myself", I'm humble to a fault

[–]quicklogaccount 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well, it's kind of the heart of game, to sound excited with your life and make it sound interesting by narrating anything in order to evoke feelings.
But that's not what I meant there. What I meant is, you managed to get somewhat comfortable BY running game, not WHILE running game. Running game probably made the process of interacting with women orderly and predictable, and because of that, you get less anxious. In absence of such order, you're finding yourself in full anxiety.
You'll get used to the anxieties in time and won't be scared with women approaching, but until there, add the little goto to your game to prevent losing really easy chicks that hit on you.

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I reread your first comment and now it makes perfect sense, I think you bull-eyed it. You also gave me a new idea to experiment with: focusing on gaming myself instead of others. Thanks dude

[–]SpinPlates 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Because your evolutionary voice is screaming at you to "not fuck this up" because it's a good chance for you to reproduce.

Remember that all emotions are just part our evolutionary instincts. There is nothing but serotonin and dopamine. Actions and reward.

Once I learned this it made my time with women quite easy.

[–]RedGeneral25 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Ok lets analyze what appears to be going through your mind. Look up cognitive distortions and try to identify them in your thoughts. How do you know she openly likes you? How do you know you'll fuck up? I see overgeneralization and black and white thinking as well as some negative predictions and mind reading. All distortions you can get rid off

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

point taken. I guess another way to explain it is I lack outcome indipendence

[–]lazlounderhill 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For the same reason that you would become unnerved if a known sociopath suddenly took an interest in you.

[–]Mr_Badass 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You're having a flight or flight response which causes a panic attack. The panic attack is because you are afraid that she will destroy your ego if she gets to know you. Probably thinking "does she really like me?" and " Am I good enough?" because you are inexperienced or have social anxiety. You might have to research social anxiety to figure it out.

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely had social anxiety until 2 years ago. I'm 90% past it now but it still comes out if I'm under stress, had a bad day etc.

[–]dr_disrespectmywife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same

[–]Ivabighairy1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Low self worth, not feeling you are lovable, scared you'll fuck it up, I could go on. I'm pretty much the same. Hard to break old habits and build new ones.

[–]g4casting 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're afraid of success because you don't know what to do and you feel like you're not up to the task. When a girl likes you, she has a positive image of you, and you probably think negatively of yourself and you're scared that you won't live up to her expectations.

Also, you're afraid of rejection, because it takes a fool to lose in a favorable situation. And you believe that you're capable of fucking it up. We've been there, most of us. Goes away after a few positive experiences, but you'll have to take the plunge.

[–]RedSkeller 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Should be the opposite so ACT like you've been there before. Sounds like you're still working through the anger phase and have a bit of impostor syndrome mixed in.

[–]kostas783 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same happens to me, I guess I haven't get used to the idea that some girl may be attracted to me. I will probably have to get shredded so that I won't doubt myself.

But well fake it till you make it as they say.

[–]cl3537 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you afraid of sex? Very inexperienced? Have you been rejected by women when you tried to escalate?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

it's your vagina

[–]padrehopeccato[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:*

[–]RedPilledRoaster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because you’re a bitch. Take risks or remain that way.