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[29/m] i found out my gf [24/f] of 5 years is cheating on me, she doesn't know that I know (x-post relationship advice) (self.asktrp)

submitted by abortionist_supreme

I've been a lurker her for a while, but obviously i failed somewhere...

The evidence is irrefutable. She's cheated multiple times and is continuing to do so. She's using me right now until she can disappear one day and move out because she has nowhere else to go. I found out a few days ago and haven't said anything, i've just been hiding that I know it, i want to throw up every time i look at her, it's all catching up with me. We moved a year ago across country for my job when they relocated me to another office. She has noone out here. She lives with me in our (technically mine, i pay all the bills) apartment.

Our relationship has been a little bit stale lately, I've been working crazy hours and she picked up second jobs about 3 months ago and we just don't have the time to do anything. Still if our relationship was stale she should have said something, and not acted so dishonestly. She has no interest in fixing things is what I know. I'm sure that will be different when I confront her and make her get out on my terms instead of letting her continue to use me.

She has to go, I will not deal with a cheater. I've made up my mind, even at "best" if she turns around I'll never trust her again and just drive her away even if I did try and work it out. So i'm not going to delay the inevitable. I'm completely shocked, she's such a "good girl"... I never in a million years would have pegged her for a cheater... I still can't believe it... I've done recon and seen the evidence for myself. Now i'm just disgusted when i think of her. At this point i'm so enraged at her, I loved her and thought she loved me, wanted to get married, blah blah, but she can't stay... but as i sit here in our home while she's at work, sitting with her dog that i view as ours, all I can think about is the dog.

She won't be able to afford to take care of herself let alone the dog. I'm not sure where she's going to go since she has no family, they're on the other side of the country. I don't know what she's going to do with her things, but she can't stay. I feel bad for the dog because it did nothing wrong, but i know she's going to want to take it. And unless her new fuck buddy lets her move in, she's living out of her car and I'm stuck with enough of her possessions to fill a small box truck... I still love her, but she can't stay, but i feel bad kicking her on the streets too. I'm livid, feel nasueas, angry, depressed, etc, etc... I want to keep the dog, I know i'll be able to care for it better, but at the same time it's hers, and if i do keep it, it will just remind me of her.

So how the fuck do i let her know that I know? Part of me wants to cause her some of the pain she's causing me, the rest (majority) of me just wants to be a grown ass adult, confront her, cut her loose, move on, and not play any childish games. What do I do with all of this... I'm really quite a mess right now.

Update 1: I spoke with her last night, confronted her, we spoke for about 2 hours, no yelling or raise voices, i called her a slut and skank a few times though, I was calm and rational as could be but let my emotions get the better of me in those instances. I had to find out WHY and I have some answers and some closure, I got some, but i still feel like shit, but it will be a long road and I have been up all night. But what is necessary is done, there is no fixing this. I gave her until morning to get out, I woke her up at 5:30am and said you need to leave now and let her pack an overnight bag. Where she goes now isn't my problem... she can go stay at her fuck buddy's place. I'm keeping the dog until she gets her shit together and figures out what she's doing and she can pick it up with her things. The dog has a serious medical condition and i've been paying for it's treatment, i've paid for it's food, for the vette bills, for it's toys,pee pads, everything. I clean up after it far more than she does. It's as much mine as it is hers and i view it as more than mine than hers... but legally hers....

As for how i found out? I've had sneaking suspicions, it's been going on for a couple months. Secretive about her texts, especially at all hours of the night, so i snooped on her computer and found the evidence, if some people downvote me for that, fuck you because otherwise she would have gone on using me for who knows how long.


[–][deleted] 107 points108 points  (2 children)

Put her stuff in boxes. Hand them to her. Tell her that you know and that she's not living there anymore. Do not contact her after that and don't respond to her attempts to contact you.

[–]AlmostRP 22 points23 points  (0 children)

It sucks, but this is all you can do

[–]l0ng_time_lurker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She will try to deny it. In her mind, if you can´t know, it has not happened and you have no right to be upset about it. Be firm and professional, tell her: "It does not matter what you think or feel right now, my decisions is based on facts." edit: did not see OPs update.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (3 children)

Kick her the fuck out, if she can't take care of herself without you, she shouldn't have cheated. She's gonna fight to stay, you just gotta hold frame and show her out. Just accept that you were on the wrong side of afbb and get over her

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

amazingly she didn't fight to stay... i asked her what would she do if the situation was reversed and she said exactly what I'm doing...

[–]theozoph 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Expect her to try to find her way back into your bed.

If you decide to let her, make it clear she isn't to expect anything more from you than sex, and use her as a plate. Under no circumstance allow her to reclaim gf status.

The dog situation is fucked up, so if you want it, tell her to begin making it up to you by giving up ownership of it.

Stay strong.

[–]unethical_pirate 18 points19 points  (4 children)

Pack up her shit up while she's out the house. Calmly explain the situation when she gets back, don't get drawn into her emotions and ask her to leave. Don't raise your voice, hold frame. I doubt you will do this 100% but its the only thing you can do and retain some pride man. Don't offer her shit , no nights in a hotel or anything like that. It's your house she broke the contract, kick her to the pavement. I like animals but forget about the dog man it's hers.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree, pack her stuff for her. It's classy, it will help you move on, and it will expedite the leaving. If she's not gone in a month, pay the first and last on a storage unit, put her stuff in it, give her the key, and wish her a nice life.

She's got a pussy, she'll be fine. Decent looking women who are not drug addicts are never truly homeless.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

i offered her to spend the night here... woke her up at 5:30 and said you're leaving now... details in OP... Held frame for the most part.

[–]unethical_pirate 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Well done man, was the gentlemanly thing to do I guess. If you ever talk to her again I'll kick you in the nuts.

[–]Draftier 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me too.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I am always amazed that common law marriages still exist (I live in Colorado), you can still get fucked even if you never ceremonially marry.

[–]whatsazipper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It looks like cohabitation is necessary but not sufficient for a common law marriage in Colorado.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

no joint accounts, she is not on lease, nor any bills. Updated some details in OP.

Other than calling her a slut/skank a few times i showed no anger, mostly calm disassociation, i'm still numb and in shock...

I'm giving her a month to get her shit, but told her not to contact me until she's figured out where she's moving and when shes's going. I let her take an overnight bag.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

At this point, why do you care about what she thinks?

I can't imagine she was paying much attention to your thoughts and feelings while she was fucking someone else.

She deserves exactly what she gave you. Break up, walk away, and never look back.

Don't worry about "getting back at her" or somehow evening the score. That's petty revenge shit, and does not advance you in any way.

Move on, and live a good life. That's the best revenge.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

exactly this.

[–]elysius 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Just to reiterate: what -Tyler_Durden- said.

Don't just box her stuff and leave it out on the street. She's gonna be hella mad and this might give her the ammunition to trash your property, or at least make a huge mess, which is gonna end up being your problem.

Before even packing her stuff, change your locks. Wait for her to leave for work then call a locksmith, pack her stuff while he does his business. Then drive them to a location where they won't be your problem anymore, a storage locker being the ideal.

Also, it might be a good idea to not have sex with her for a few days prior to that, particularly rough sex. She might go to the police and claim you raped/abused her.

Be strong, she's not worth it being upset over. And make sure to come back!

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

we haven't had regular sex in months since she picked up job #2... should have been red flag #1. no issues there :(

[–]NrwhlBcnSmrt-ttck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your relationship has been dead for a looong time.

[–]zpatriarchy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Before even packing her stuff, change your locks. Wait for her to leave for work then call a locksmith, pack her stuff while he does his business. Then drive them to a location where they won't be your problem anymore, a storage locker being the ideal.

Also, it might be a good idea to not have sex with her for a few days prior to that, particularly rough sex. She might go to the police and claim you raped/abused her.

this is very good advice for everyone. take the day off from work, it's worth it.

[–]homosexualsaipian 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Don't be a fucking pussy and inflict petty vengeance. Man the fuck up and kick her out.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yup, basically what i did. details in OP update.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

"Since you cheated for the first time you had to have though of the scenario of what happens when I find out. Good luck with your plans."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is good.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

plenty of great advice here. I'd love to hear an update of what you do and how well you hold frame.

It would be interesting to know how well you can hold out. We can tell you love her, but it's important to do this right and a truthful FR of how this goes down might help those who encounter this situation.

Good luck.

edit: I'm also curious to know how you found out.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I held frame for the most part. I'm mostly numb right now. I updated the OP with details of how I found out and what I did.

[–]Cryocasm 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Stop loving her.

Kick her the fuck out your place.

Do not answer any calls/texts/skypes/facebook messages. Block her off completely. If you're truly pissed then shame that slut.

[–]dotrar 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Can't say what's already been said.

Just tell her she's leaving. pack her stuff up for her and leave it outside / garage. Changing the locks seems a bit over the top (and not sure if you can do it in rentals, I know i cant) but if she comes back in after you kick her out you can get her for tresspassing.

who the fuck cares if she can't make it, she should've thought about that before breaking trust. put her on her ass and continue to live your life as best you can. these things happen, she failed the test, you didn't. be stoic and move on.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sucks right now OP but you will grow from this.

[–]captainbloodd 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Where'd she meet her fuck buddy? Co-worker?

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

internet. I think it was on the phone app tinder.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Updated OP, made her turn over keys to me this morning.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Change the locks anyways. She might have made a copy.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Change the locks anyway

This is correct. Better safe than sorry. She lacked empathy for you enough to cheat, so destruction of your property (or worse) could happen too to sate her anger at being dumped before she was ready.

It costs very little, and for the record you don't need a locksmith. Find out the type of lock it is, go to home depot and buy+do it yourself--it's a fun job and a good way to learn how to do this when you become a homeowner.

Be sure to get permission from your landlord since you're renting though. That is the main issue.

[–]NahDudeFkThat 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Technically yours apartment? Forget about that shit bruh. Lawyer up.

Our relationship has been a little bit stale lately, I've been working crazy hours and she picked up second jobs about 3 months ago and we just don't have the time to do anything. Still if our relationship was stale she should have said something, and not acted so dishonestly. She has no interest in fixing things is what I know. I'm sure that will be different when I confront her and make her get out on my terms instead of letting her continue to use me.

This is going to sound like some insane batshit feminist bullshit but it's your fault it's gotten to this point. It is important that you do not resent her or blame her for what happened, since it's your fault for not providing the emotional drug she needs, and the adventure she craves.

You have to CONSTANTLY seduce her in order for her to keep thinking of you, craving you, etc etc. Things like never taking her too seriously, having plenty of sexual options, socializing, making her jealous, keeping that air of mystery, dominating her, teasing, being adventurous and spontaneous, edgy, vulnerable, etc. You have to embed this shit in your psyche. Once this becomes you, you will just attract women by just being yourself.

It's also your fault you let her work 2 jobs in the first place instead of Man'ing up and enforcing gender roles and enough excitement.

The reason I say it's not her fault is because there is something in the universe you can ALWAYS trust - and that's for a woman to be a woman. We all know all women are essentially stimulus junkies and hypergamus. It's your job to turn these knobs of hers, constantly with your charm and exciting Life. This will make her always come crawling to you. Had you been that supremely charming guy the chances of her cheating would have went down dramatically.

But fuck it, it happens bro.

Use this experience as a reference point as to why you can never fall under mediocrity, and why you can never drop your guard for a second. You have to be able to constantly push out of your comfort zone, always improving, in order to keep a quality girls for years and years.

Time to make some moves, man.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

nah, you're right, it started off that way, i was laying on the charm and making her want more, doing exciting things all the time, etc.... then after she moved in we got into a rut and a routine and it was a slow death spiral.

[–]2johnnight 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You do not have to rub in the salt in his wound, but you are unfortunately right on a point: excitement plus stability, that is all that they want. Well, he provided stability, she got the excitement elsewhere. Don't say it's his fault. It's highly difficult to be both edgy and employable.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yeah my 6 figure income provided great stability... we started off with a lot of excitement, but i was burning the candles at both ends when i was wooing her and then the relocation came and we moved in together and with the new job came a lot of responsibility and I just started vegging out all the time when i got home. She picked up a 2nd job and then she started vegging out... and to that extent it was my fault... I let it get boring and assumed she was okay with it and job related, I should have seen the signs but i was blind...

[–]NahDudeFkThat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not gonna sugarcoat anything. It was his fault. Nothing wrong with that, now he hopefully knows better.

[–]MorePancakes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Change the locks ship her stuff to her parents. Get a security system, remove all evidence she lived there and hope there is no squatters rights where you are... or fuck it move out cancel lease don't tell her where you went. Let the Landlord evict her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like the other side of the thread a while back where the 29 year old male wasn't boning his fiancee.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hold frame. Make sure you are financially separated from her in every aspect. Her name cannot be on anything. Power bills, credit cards, checking and savings acct, your lease/mortgage.

Pack her shit, put it in boxes. Change the locks if possible, make sure you get your keys from her. She violated your trust, and now she must go.

Get tested for STDs, make sure you cut off all contact with her physically. She cannot stay in the same house. Don't give in, again, hold frame.

The dog may be collateral for the breakup. She can have the dog back as soon as she is gone and assures you she will not be coming back.

Do not contact her, do not respond to her advances/texts/etc. if you have to (business, paperwork, etc) make sure you keep it short, to the point, and if possible, have a documentation method.

[–]Offensive_Brute 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Next

[–]masterrod 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If she's working two jobs and not investing in the relationship, I'm not sure what she's working 2 jobs for. What's the deal there?

Personally after the talk I would have screwed, sorry hate fucked her, and then kicked her out that night. I hope you slept with her before she left.

From you're post it seems like you're going through a lot of negative self talk. Remember cheating in a committed relationship is usually about not knowing what to do and giving up or a cry for help. It's not truly about you.

[–]plopliar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry OP, hope you feel better

[–]drimadethistocomment 0 points1 point  (0 children)

if only i had done the same thing. Felt bad for my ex because she had nowhere to go. Wanted her to leave before she even cheated on me because she was just fake. Had no family, it was February in IL and it was cold as fuck. In hindsight, wish i had dropped her off at a homeless shelter. She ended up cheating on me for real, not just talking to dudes like i dont exist on the internet, and left me to live with some other shmuck. Lesson learned. Glad you could actually do it. Good for you

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honesty works here. No back talk, she listens to you.

Pop smoke, go forward.

[–]FinnianWhitefir 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Will her stuff fit in her car? I would suggest to wait until a morning, explain to her that you know and you aren't living with her anymore. I would approach it by explaining that if she can't find someplace to stay that night, you will front her the gas money to drive home. Best case scenario, she packs up everything and leaves. Worst case, she throws a fit and you have to leave and find another place. Per Phil Hartmann, you don't want to spend the night there with her.

Any drama you cause is just going to cause issues, leave you feeling worse, and make her feel better. Cut it off clean, don't go into details.

[–]abortionist_supreme[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

was mostly drama free... I updated OP with more info.

[–]georgedonnelly -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Pay for 3 months of a storage locker if it's a ton of stuff and move her stuff into it, if it's a lot. What happens then is her problem.

[–]RedBigMan -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You have a case of the oneitis. This is the only way a man would permit cheating by a woman on more than one occasion. The only appropriate response to this is to NEXT her ass.

Also be careful about giving up the dog... There are quite a few stories from TRP guys who have given up the dog to a woman only to have said woman put the dog down when the dude would have kept it and took care of it.

Alternatively if you're feeling generous you can always offer to get her a plane/train/bus ticket so she can go back to her family. At least then any and all debts you owe her by way of male honor can be considered repaid in full at that point.

[–]CosmoKev -1 points0 points  (0 children)

As fucked up as this sounds, put the dog to sleep. Been there, done that with two of my dogs. 5 years of pain, suffering and a hole in my wallet. The decision to put my dog to rest was really the best thing for both me and her.