caught wife cheating, it's over. how do I get over this as soon as possible? (self.asktrp)

submitted by freshstart6969

textbook AWALT. just found out last night. I am completely devastated and need to find someone to talk to(a professional), to help get me out of this hole. i am having some suicidal thoughts and though i know it wont act on it, i'm really worried this will ruin me if i dont get help soon.

anyone got any tips on what to do/ who to talk to?

[–]vorverk 38 points39 points  (2 children)

This might sound like an impossible scenario right now, but trust me. 2-4 years from now you will look back on this and think this was the best thing that ever happened to you. Shit like this transforms people like nothing else. You will come out of this as a better version of yourself. Unrecognizable.

But now you are in for one hell of a ride. Emotional roallercoaster ensured. So buckle up and lawyer up. Make sure you follow guy's advice here. A lot here have been through the same. And don't you fucking give up untill you get out of this shit, or we're coming for you!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

this is why i like this community, support like no where else! Thank you mate!

[–]jackandjill22 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Dude, everything's so Fucked up.

[–]50pluspiller 50 points51 points  (31 children)

Find the best divorce lawyer you can buy, do it as soon as possible, do not wait! Next, find yourself a good counselor who specializes in dealing with this, since you are having suicidal thoughts don't hesitate. Finally, get yourself in a gym lift, pull, and drag heavyweights a lot of times, eat clean and get out in the sun.

[–]freshstart6969[S] 8 points9 points  (29 children)

do you know where I can find a counselor, like a directory or something? I can;t think straight

[–]Andramoiennepe 35 points36 points  (14 children)

Look up psychologists in your area. If you live together, Require her to move out immediately. Do not show her you are hurt. Everything you do from here on out with her must be cold and unemotional. No anger. No crying. Do that to your family, friends, and psychologist. You don't need explanations. At the end of the day, explanations are just a selfish narcissists tools to justify bad behavior and try to lay some of the blame on you. You did nothing wrong ... Nothing to justify that sort of behavior. She is deeply selfish and does not respect you at a fundamental level. I'm very sorry. There are many better women out there. Many. The sooner you move on the happier you will be.

[–]freshstart6969[S] 9 points10 points  (12 children)

thank you, that is helpful. but mainly, how do I get through today?

[–]Andramoiennepe 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Exercise. Go for a run ... Or a long walk. Write out in a letter to yourself (or to her that you will never give her) what you are feeling. Call up or visit your closest confidant, your mom or dad or minister or best friend or uncle, whomever. Spill your guts. This does not reflect badly on you. It just reflects badly on her.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Acknowledge your pain, your sorrow and your loneliness.

Now go rescue a dog from a shelter and releive him of his. This gives you company, purpose, and responsibility. Without any of which men wither and die.

I'm being serious. Go get a dog.

[–]legion327 8 points9 points  (4 children)

This is what saved me when I was in your situation, OP. A dog is all the things a woman can truly never be to you. Loyal and unconditionally loving.

Also, check my post history for gory details on my divorces (plural) and don't make the mistakes I made.

[–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

god damn dude, I feel for ya. Still feels like the world is ending, but that definitely helped put things in perspective. So how are you now? things get better, yeah?

[–]legion327 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yes, much. All that was years ago. If anything, know that while things are a bit nuts now, there is life on the other side and you will absolutely be happy again. Nothing is permanent, not even this.

[–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks man, this helps

[–]freshstart6969[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

work 50+ hours and live in an apartment, dog is a nogo. though i agree it would help

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I sent you a PM

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]yumyumgivemesome 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    In addition to the solid advice you find on here, just know that we're here for you. There will always be somebody reading your post and somebody giving you tough-love advice. We will not coddle you. We will respect you as a fellow man who, just like each of us, is seeking to become stronger everyday.

    [–]topdog82 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    I wish I could give you a hug for this advice. This post is a solid example of why TRP actually gives legit helpful advice. This is what I needed after my breakup

    [–]JackGetsIt 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Also look for an older male counselor. There are a lot of blue pill counselors out there that give shitty advice.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    50Plus is correct. You need to lawyer up ASAP.

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    are you military or DOD??

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


    [–]SnugglySadist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Talk to your normal doctor for a reference.

    [–]get_real_quick 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Talk to local bar association for lawyers who practice marital law specifically. Also see if you can hit up the local law school and see if any professors who specialize in trust/estates and/or marital/family law can point you in the direction of good lawyers in the space.

    [–]minnie333 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Do you have a good friend or brother to reach out to if anything?

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    no brother, the 'good friend' is who she cheated with.

    [–]minnie333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Wow what a cunt. I will say though I would be smiling ear to ear that I now knew instead of wasting another day with her. Don't think she did it because the other guy is better or your not valued. It's an extremely selfish act and if it wasn't your friend it would be the next guy walking down the sidewalk. You cannot stop someone from cheating. Pick your ass up from that couch, go get laid and and don't you dare give that chic another day to break your heart. I personally would suggest craigslist under MF4M cuckhold which is couples looking for someone to join their fun and bang their wife. Less likely to flake on you and it's something new and different. Also, if you really really just want to get under her skin tell her " oh and I fucked one of your friends, you can figure out which one it was" don't forget you have a huge community here at Reddit to vent, scream and bash talk to your hearts content. Make today count.

    [–]W_O_M_B_A_T 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    In addition, get documentation of EVERYTHING you can possibly get your hands on, particularly financial information.

    [–]EvilPenName 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    If you have insurance through work there should be a list of in network doctors that take your insurance on the insurance website.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]IIlllIllIIIllIl -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    You can get in touch with your insurance provider and see a list of people in your area that your insurance covers.

    [–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Find the best divorce lawyer you can buy, do it as soon as possible, do not wait!


    Source: Am a lawyer. Do it TODAY.

    [–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (6 children)

    get your finances in order ASAP and isolate them from her. lawyer up and start the separation process immediately

    as far as talking, reach out to any buddies you might have and grab a beer or coffee with them and maybe they'll help you talk through it. your social circle can do so much more than some financially-motivated piece of work if you have the right friends and family

    lots of men go through this, but it doesn't make your story less significant. there are lots here that you can also talk to that have been through similar shit. feel free to PM me

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    social circle is all mutual, don't really have anyone to go to there. i agree about the financially motivated piece of work, but i need a real person to talk to.

    [–]Andramoiennepe 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    It doesn't matter if the social circle is mutual. Put yourself in her shoes. How terrifying would it be to be her and know that your whole friend circle will now know what an asshole she is. That does not mean you ask anyone to "choose" between the two of you. Just talk to the person you are closest to in that group. She has everything to lose, not you.

    [–]JackGetsIt 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Get your head in the game and try to wrangle some of the mutual friendships on to your side. I guarantee you she doing the same thing on her side and probably has a few month head start on you.

    [–]beginner_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    has a few month head start on you.

    That's probably the biggest issue. Before cheating there will have been a lot of bitching to friends about what a loser you are or in general just a bad person as to justify her cheating in the future. Maybe a friend of hers (female) actually encouraged her to do so, you know herd mind.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    maybe your most trusted family member then. don't let a psychologist rope you in for more than just a few sessions, unless you think you really need it. I hate seeing people get conned into bullshit

    as far as today, like the other comment said--exercise. for me it didn't sink in until I tried to go to work the next Monday. I shouted the loudest I ever have because I couldn't find a parking spot lol and I halfway broke down. I took that week off work

    you're gonna have to take it one day at a time. meaning don't worry about tomorrow (aside from legals and financials). make yourself tired as fuck by the end of each day, earn your showers by working out, and eventually start diving into hobbies and trying new things

    things will get better dude. someday you're going to be able to lust for a girl that also lusts for you, and this will all be a distant memory that you can recall when needed

    [–]D-White 16 points17 points  (3 children)

    Think of it like an exorcism bro. This person has shared occupancy with your brain for some time, evicting her is going to be a series of physiological withdrawals/chemical misfirings. Acknowledge that for the next month or two, you may have episodes of helplessness, despair, sorrow, and full on depression.

    The best thing you can do is, when those emotions start flowing, let them go. Towards the end of the wave, acknowledge that you're experiencing the pain of self pity, and then get up and mentally contrast that pathetic state of mind with normal life. Nothing will seem good for a while because when another person is responsible for your oxytocin fix, and they betray you to this extent, it is just not as simple as mental tricks. Get professional help for suicidal thoughts though. They only seem harmless, until they aren't.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    thanks man

    [–]Kidterrific 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Fantastic advice. Keep your head in the game and don't let her rationalization screw you out of anything you deserve. She'll find some way to blame you. Just remember that the marriage may have been on her terms, but the divorce needs to be on yours. Act now, feel bad later (as best you can).

    Just remember there is no past or future. Only the present. Deal with the present only.

    Soon you'll realize that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.


    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    thanks, this helps a lot

    [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (4 children)

    Hey it just happened to me only four months ago. Do not for one second think that your life is over man it is JUST BEGINNING!!!! I swear to fucking god this will be the best thing that has ever happened to you - I am proof. I thought my snowflake was my world and all that shit but man I'm telling you that YOU are the catch brother. Shit we have tinder these days bro, you'll be spinning plates 12 years younger than you in no time. Took me all of 3 weeks to get two regular plates. Go hit the gym tomorrow and set up a tinder profile - you'll be fine my friend - and stop with the suicide talk, cuz the weight of the world has just been lifted off your shoulders!!!!

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    hey man, can you please tell me how did you made your profile?

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Just show pics of you having fun, my first one is a headshot selfie with a smirk on my face, the second is a full body pic dressed nice with fitting cloths so they know i'm in shape, the third is a pic of me, the ex (who was hot), and a good looking couple of friends of mine, and the fourth i'm drinking beer on a boat with a buddy of mine laughing. Show off your assets, hopefully your body and your $ so you can game both types of chicks, ones looking for chad and ones looking for brad.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I'm fucked because i don't have any photos with someone else...

    [–]KumonRoguing 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Give your dad a call. Or if he's alive, your grandfather.

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I know this is a very tough time for you. After going through a divorce myself, this is how I got through it successfully:

    • Get a lawyer. Interview several and find one that you gel with.
    • If you have a family member or close friend, have them stay over as a potential witness. My ex decided to take a sledghammer to my bedroom door, and having my mother around to corroborate (plus evidence of the door being broken) was pretty nice.
    • Gather evidence, make sure it isn't destroyed. Videos, pictures, especially financial records. I created an Access database of all my finances for the past 3 years so that I could say how much I contributed and how little she did.
    • Secure your finances. In my state, I was able to move all of the funds to my own account that she didn't have access to because the divorce hadn't been filed yet.
    • Don't tip your hand. Up to the moment that the divorce was filed, my wife thought that I was completely BP and was going to give her a huge sum of money.

    [–]randarrow 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Hit the gym. Healthy stress works like a reset button on the brain.

    [–]HandsomelyYours 6 points7 points  (7 children)

    Hope you get through this fine my man.

    • Was your wife a virgin when you married her?

    • How often does she drink?

    • Were her parents unfaithful? Was she exposed to family infidelity?

    Damn, I feel for ya.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 6 points7 points  (6 children)

    she wasn't, we both drink pretty frequently, parents are divorced so maybe

    [–]HandsomelyYours 1 point2 points  (5 children)

    The VAF rule would have predicted the outcome of your marriage. Wish I knew you personally back then to talk you out of it man. I sincerely hope you get through this.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    we got married mainly for immigration reasons, we were "in love"(sounds like a joke now) but it was either get married or get deported

    [–]HandsomelyYours 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    How'd you find out she's cheating on you?

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    found texts

    [–]OprahIsHungry 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    What's the vaf rule?

    [–]HandsomelyYours 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    The VAF Rule basically helps you determine how likely your girlfriend/wife is to cheat on you in a long-term relationship.

    [–]167023948 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I just over (a much less serious than this) relationship and though your situation is gonna be alot tougher.

    Important note about panic attacks: i got panic attacks a couple of times a day lasting for about 5 minutes of extremely bad feelings. Identify and minimize the triggers. Im sure you know what im talking about. It can be food, facebook feed and shit like that. It doesnt make you stronger to try and be okay with seeing her, dont fucking see her or get reminded of her.

    EDIT: this is important cus i remember i got one while i was driving and almost fucking crashed

    [–]imbweeeeding 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Great advise here. I would like to add one thing. Find a male therapist. Women therapists are terrible for men. Depending on where you live you might be able to find a NMMNG certified therapist.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)


    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    no more mr nice guy, it's a book.

    stay strong!

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)


    [–]PabloEscoba 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You are free mate. The slavery and lie you were living is finally over. Lawyer up and try to get out of this with your assets intact. Let the bitch gobble as much dick as she wants on her own in the streets.

    [–]iamirishpat 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I don't have the knowledge to help you, but you're in my prayers, bro. Chin up.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    thank you

    [–]curiouscur 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Damn op. brohug

    I agree with a lot of the posts: lawyer up, tell her to leave or you leave (no contact), tell people what's happening with you as well as get professional help, and lift heavy stuff.

    I'm not married so I'm just pulling shit outta air but either sell the things that you own or are in you name or gotta cut her from using your stuff. The main things I can think of are the house and the car(s). If you have kids and you make more money than her, maybe you can get the kids or whatever. I dunno.

    You will get through this. It is shocking that shit like this is happening to you but I assure you, you will get through this dude.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    thanks dude, appreciate it.

    [–]curiouscur 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]nuesuh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    It might feel like she's a devil, but she really isn't evil. AWALT.

    Breathe and count to ten. You're okay

    [–]postreformedpua 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Same thing happened to my wife dude with my best friend too. AWALT indeed. It will get better I promise, it was an awakening for me.

    [–]2johnnight 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    i am having some suicidal thoughts

    Your brain will at some point stop firing those neurons, but it will take months to rewire.

    The trick is to postpone disastrous action until you just won't care.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    yeah i won't do it, but god damn it hurts

    [–]RPthrowaway123 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Hey man, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've never been through a divorce, so all I can say right now is I'm sorry and that you WILL survive and emerge a better, stronger person.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    thank you

    [–]Soarinc 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Write a letter to her family outlining the evidence you have that she cheated. Establish that you aren't acting hurt or upset over it (also act very stable). It will get a load of hurt off ur chest and it will help the healing process as well.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    family just had a big loss, can't put this on them. they treated me like i was part of the family from the start. now i'm losing them too.

    [–]MeatCurtainRod 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    As soon as possible? No such thing. For now, stay angry and focus on lawyering up. She failed you. She pulled the trigger. It is her fault. Collect all evidence, guard all resources, protect yourself, fight for your rights. This isn't a 50/50 divorce thing, no matter what anyone says because she voided her vows, not you. She owes you. Find a good lawyer who isn't afraid of fighting against the politically correct world of feminist corruption.

    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]RogerMayweather21 0 points1 point  (1 child)


    [–]freshstart6969[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]ecosci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    They always cheat on the good guy thats why the redpill is full of men who believed in societys lies and bs just keep focus and the worst thing you can do to a guy is let him have her and the worst thing for her is not to fight over her stinking vagina.This is not new women are going to cheat more because thier is no penalty so expect it and have ready available options next time, but time will only make you better and never take her back kick her when shes down and out of resources,oh maybe not i forgot they love being treated like shit.

    [–]ShreckOpener88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Great advice all

    [–]Kickaxe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Life just got better brother.

    [–]Kickaxe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    And where you at? One of us Red Pill bros can help get your ass to a gym soon.

    [–]bigdickbanditss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Honestly for me? Weed helps a lot with just distracting yourself while you get over her. It directs your attention to whatever is in front of you and all of a sudden everything is fun. It's not good to run away from pain but sitting in your room ruminating and torturing yourself with thoughts about her is even worse. Essentially, go have fun. Anyway, take frequent breaks from it if you do decide to.

    Oh and btw I know that my case may have been a lot less shitty but I went through a real rough patch after my fiance of almost 4 years literally ghosted me. But now? I can't even express how happy I am. I look back and genuinely don't know why I was so sad. I'm actually so glad it happened. Wish I could thank her, It's so much fun on the other side. You will be perfectly fine. Also start lifting. Stronglifts is an amazing program and brain dead simple.

    [–]tsokabitz -2 points-1 points  (0 children)


    [–]noaydi -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

    dump. I'm sorry for you. Perhaps it depend of the nature of the cheat, you can find way to get back together ? You should perhaps not assume awalt or your gf being whore right now. But my first thought would be dump.

    [–]noaydi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    was down voted because blue pilled lol

    No one know the nature of the cheat aside the generic AWALT, hence my message. Sometime there is a thing that is called forgiveness that can happen in some case, but I know you can't hear that in your @[email protected] ego wich imported their value system from everything aside from themself, but defended to death.

    In addition, a couple wich endure difficultie (you can imagine another difficulty than the one depicted here because a vast array of you will have very hard time to de-frame their mind from all the trp culture for this example) and overcome it can become stronger. This does not mean there is necessecirely more love I agree.

    Mega blue pill ! I know how Ill be eaten. or no ? dunno ! bb :)