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Broke down in front of LTR (self.asktrp)

submitted by slippers80

I’ve been with my LTR for 3 years now and it’s been pretty good. Stable jobs, good income, very little drama or fighting. However my mom has been sick recently and last week it took a turn for the worse. She eventually passed away. My dads not around anymore and I’m an only child so I had to handle the funeral planning by myself pretty much.

My girlfriend did help me with everything. I didn’t cry or tear up when she passed, at the funeral, or when we buried her. I never was a crier at all. Haven’t cried in almost 17 years. Except the next morning I got up and was in the shower and I remembered my mom and how much I loved her and I started silently sobbing. At least that’s what I thought...

Apparently it was loud enough for my girlfriend to wake up and hear me. She ended up taking her pajamas off and coming into the bathroom and stared at me for a second. She saw me crying and I tried to stop for a bit but she got into the shower with me told me it’s ok and I started bawling my eyes out while hugging her. She held me and told me it’s ok, that she’s in a better place now. I don’t know how long we were in there but it felt like forever.

I know TRP states never cry in front of a woman that isn’t your mother. She’s never seen me cry before in the 3 years we’ve been together. I also couldn’t just leave I was in the shower. And I broke down in front of her. Do you think this will damage my LTR?


[–]mismm 225 points226 points  (10 children)

Your mother died, why do you even care what she thinks?

[–]slippers80[S] 108 points109 points  (6 children)

Honestly if she left me because of me crying over my dead mother I think that says more about her than it does me.

[–]ValorElite 67 points68 points  (4 children)

Just the thought of my mother passing away made my eyes well up. Sometimes raw uninhibited emotion is not the worst thing for an LTR. It is not a weakness.

Embrace the grief, remember your mom, and try to stay strong for the rest of your family. Condolences, my man

[–]slippers80[S] 24 points25 points  (3 children)

I don’t have any family. It’s just her. I have friends and a dog. But I appreciate the kind words. I’m ok. I was never an emotional person to begin with.

[–]dnkfkr 14 points15 points  (2 children)

From a more general mental health perspective, lean into this and grieve for her properly for a few weeks. Avoid falling into a trap of escapism and self pity however - there is a fine line there. Get as much exercise (cardio especially) as you can to help process it, then find a way to keep growing with that energy.

[–]slippers80[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Well I haven’t stopped going to the gym so maybe that’s why I feel alright

[–]IIlllIllIIIllIl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My good friend who is my age, and now married to his girl, been in the relationship for seven years. Always strong frame. The only time he has ever cried in front of his wife was when is step dad passed. I think you're alright man.

[–]Nergaal 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Your mother will be THE ONLY WOMAN who will truly have loved you. Give yourself a break.

[–]recursoinominado 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Exactly what i thought. Isn't good to suppress emotions like that, cry, my friend.
Isn't crying that will turn off women but hopelessness, despair, indecisiveness etc. You have a pass on this one, it's your mother for gods sake, don't worry too much about what your GF will think, this isn't a health way to live.

[–]jackandjill22 3 points4 points  (0 children)

While this assessments accurate shitty people do exist in this world & will take these opportunities to fuck you up at a time where this connections are most important, just be vigilant.

[–]awoke11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude its your mother. If your LTR leaves you because you cried one time in front of her you are worrying too much. I understand you are afraid of loosing your gf now as well in these hard times but don’t become needy towards her for it, just keep frame and if you need to show emotions talk with someone not your gf

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 99 points100 points  (17 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]slippers80[S] 29 points30 points  (2 children)

I mean I was in the shower and she was sleeping I figured it was private enough. But it is what it is. Also shoutout to the dirty dozen. Great movie.

[–]Moreofmore 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The difference is you’re mourning, not crying out of weakness, complaining, or another negative behavior. Mourning is normal especially for a parents death.

[–]imtheoneimmortal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you are human buddy, is ok to have many feelings

[–]throwaway2_5_5_2 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I've got a #3 coming up in about a year due to cancer, but he lived his life expectancy, so I should be grateful for that.

[–]Nergaal 4 points5 points  (2 children)

End of Gladiator?

[–]moneymakingmiguel 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I always get emotional at the "My name is maximus desimus... " part.

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]SlappaDaBayssMon 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I see no mention of Rudy here

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's a reason for that.

[–]RememberWhenEye 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What about the 'judge tells Robin Williams he can't see his kids' scene in Mrs Doubtfire.

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 0 points1 point  (0 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]flyinggummybears2 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Is this full blown out crying like a baby or cutting onions type? Because I've had a fuck ton of the cut onion type but can only think of a couple of the full blown types (death of grandparents).

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 0 points1 point  (2 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]flyinggummybears2 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well shit. Guess I need to hand over my man card then.

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 0 points1 point  (0 children)

deleted What is this?

[–]ArdAtak 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I think you get a pass on this one. Don't worry about it.

[–]2CainPrice 68 points69 points  (1 child)

She's your girlfriend of three years, and your mother died. You're fine.

I mean, don't go overboard and take the next two weeks off of work and lay in bed and demonstrate to your girlfriend that something like this can cripple you.

But crying, to yourself, on your own time, in a way that doesn't really affect her and in fact can let her feel good about herself for being there and taking care of you? That's fine. Make sure to fuck her good tonight in appreciation.

[–]slippers80[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

No I’m back at work today as a matter of fact. This happened yesterday. I’ll be sure to give her a good time when she comes over tonight.

[–]Odd18 32 points33 points  (1 child)

You're good man. Sorry for your loss.

[–]slippers80[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]makes_u_laugh 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Sorry for your loss, homie. Don’t stress on this one

[–]slippers80[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the sympathy.

[–]kyzen142 14 points15 points  (1 child)

It is okay to fall down but you must be the one to pick ur self up.

[–]slippers80[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m not going to fall into depression. Death is a part of life

[–]bkfta 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Vulnerability isn't the same as weakness my man. If anything, this will probably make her feel for you more strongly. Like most others say, and as you seem to know by your posts, just don't make it a habit. Sorry for your loss

[–]awareness1111 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I (and IMHO, she) would be more concerned if you didn't cry at all.

[–]yodawg32 7 points8 points  (0 children)

OP, you take TRP way too seriously if you doubt the action of crying over the loss of your mother. Sorry about your loss.

[–]Ronaldo-CR7- 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Sorry to hear about your mom. Fuck what the girl thinks , if a parent passes it’s always okay to cry anywhere anytime in my opinion. One of the toughest losses for a human imo. Stay strong

[–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will do, thank you. I think if she leaves me over crying that my mom died that says more about her than it does me.

[–]jackandjill22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shoutouts to the only children. It's a different world sometime. Be easy buddy.

[–]lostbuthopefull 4 points5 points  (2 children)

who cares. Let it out man, tf is this 'I can't cry or I'm not a man bs'. My LTR of 3 years ago found me crying in a room drunk af, she asked why and I said, "it hit me you're leaving soon'. She teared up and we hugged it out. Nothing changed in our relationship. It was also the first time I cried in front of her.

What I'm saying is let it out if you feel the need to. Your mom died, it's beyond warranted. We can't continue to tell ourselves we're pussies if we cry, you can be a man and have emotions, I promise

[–]slippers80[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I think the context of why you’re crying is the issue. Death in the family? Stress from work? That’s ok. Crying because someone stole your last Twinkie? That’s where even I would say get a grip. Also if it keeps happening. I had my cry, I’m good. Emotions are back in check. I think being vulnerable in front of a woman can be good in doses. Almost like a comfort test. But too much and she’ll leave your ass.

[–]lostbuthopefull 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly

[–]zyk0s 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You know how women want a beast with the heart of gold, the bad boy who is just really a good guy inside? That’s what you’ve displayed. Not only is this not going to affect you negatively, it is going to be a positive for your relationship. You’ve also given her the opportunity to be your emotional anchor in this one instance, a reversal of the normal roles, and that was her chance to give back.

And yes, just take it easy, take enough time to grieve and good luck man.

[–]mentosthefreshmaker1 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Similar situation recently but with my dad. You’re fine. It would be weirder for her if she didn’t see any emotion at all in you. Pick yourself up and no more breakdowns from here, focus on you and being a person your mom would be proud of.

[–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I went back to work the next day so that’s good. Death is a part of life. Shit happens. I guess it was everything in past years and this was my breaking point. I feel better. This is the first time she’s seen my emotional and vulnerable side.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

[–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I mean again she was sleeping I was in the shower, she woke up and joined me in the shower. I didn’t try to do it in front of her to begin with. But she heard and came in. I understand what you mean though.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]slippers80[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Thank you, I have an iron bar to help me grieve.

    [–]a_crapybara 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This is actually very sweet and empathetic. Don't worry about a thing, my dude, and I'm sorry for your loss.

    [–]DrizzlyShrimp36 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If she has any decency in her, this will absolutely not damage your relationship. And even if she doesn't. She hasn't seen you cry, ever, except after your mother's death. This isn't breaking frame, this is having the strength to show emotion in a time of need.

    There are some dudes on this sub who would tell you otherwise, but in my opinion, like any ideology, TRP is to be applied in moderation. Don't worry about it.

    Take care my man.

    [–]benmarvin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You're good bro.

    Bro hug

    [–]bosshawg502 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Sorry for your loss man. But, I have to say you pretty much described an award winning movie scene there.

    strong male cries quietly in the shower over death of his mother

    girlfriend hears this, gets naked and steps in the shower to be the rock for her rock when he needs one

    You're good man. She's gonna go tell all her friends about this super hardcore bonding, romantic, movie-like moment you guys shared and move up a step in her circle of friends. It's a hell of a loss for you but a win at the same time in the LTR department. She's probably more attached to you than ever now

    [–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’m not gonna lie it felt good to be on the other end for once. To just have someone to hug and hold onto.

    [–]gains_o_clock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I'm so sorry for your loss bro, we're hear to help cope. For advice on the GF, don't worry about it like you said earlier in this thread if she can't take your crying over your mom then that says a heck of a lot about her. You're good. Best wishes man.

    [–]Tiway22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    It’s okay man. We are not impervious to things like this. If you were crying because you got a flat tire, yeah, but you get a pass for this. We all do.

    [–]Musicgoon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    First off. I'm sorry for your loss Bro. That's some hardcore sad shit.

    Second. If your chick wasn't there for you, she would be a raging cunt. You didn't fuck up at all. You're human.

    You've got the support of this community. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

    [–]alchamest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Don't sweat it man! your golden here. These things build bonds between people. The exception is if you end up broken and unable to recover to a functioning level after a short period. ( the short period time frame is a week or three, beyond that and it looks like your damaged)

    You don't sound like you will fall into that category. Let yourself grieve. Try not to suppress it, all you will do is store it in your body for later.

    Sucks about your mumma slippers80!!

    When the time comes again, keep kicking arse!

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You can't go back and change it, so who cares? Its like me wondering if someone cares I wore Hulk underoos in 1987. Water under the bridge, bro.

    [–]Cloudsurf89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Just own it and you'll be fine

    [–]DouglasPR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I guess you are allowed to cry if your mother passes, and it will not damage your LTR. When guys advise you not to cry in front of women they mean dont show weakness in situations your masculine frame should master, like if your team loses superbowl, or if your boss is an asshole with you for no reason, etc...

    [–]lazydogg9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Come on. Your mother just died. You sure allowed to grieve without shame. You are only human. TRP might say don't cry in front of a woman but it also says IDGAF, think wisely.

    [–]alvaro10101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sorry for your loss Bro. Grieve. You're only human not a machine. Cry if need arises.

    [–]1RPLawyer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    First of all, my condolences. I lost my grandmother recently and cried in front of my girlfriend too. Well, in fact we both cried for a solid 10 minutes during lunch after the eulogy of all places lol

    Don't worry about it, it's normal to cry when family members pass away. It's not a woman thing or a man thing, it's a human thing. What TRP actually advocates is not cry in front of your woman during a fight, for example if she threatens to leave. In short, you don't cry because of a woman because it shows her that you're either a bitch or she has complete control over your emotions. Or both.

    [–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    If she leaves she leaves. 🤷🏻‍♂️ there is no the one. But I understand your point

    [–]purplefidgetmidget 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You'll be fine.

    Yes, women look for an emotional rock, someone who is unwavering and strong, especially in a crisis. If you exhibit that you are this person, she'll be super attracted to you.

    TRP often says that if you lose this women will lose attraction. Once a woman has invested in you (ie not a plate fucking 5 guys), this isn't the case. Women lose attraction when men show beta traits. What most people don't realise is that crying and being emotionally vulnerable or weak are not beta traits by themselves.

    Remember that girls don't like guys who are not complete without them. If a guy relies on a girl for their own happiness, to get through the day, etc. and starts making them in charge of decisions, THAT'S your beta traits. And if you're down on your luck and suffering from a tragedy, it's easy to do this, to just dump all your problems on her and try to get her to fix them. That's where many people go wrong.

    If you recognise that asking someone to help you out is not the same as dumping all your problems on them and asking them to help you because you're helpless, then you'll be fine. If you need space, you need time, you need hugs, you need someone to do X Y and Z then you ask them to do it, until you get back on your feet.

    The key difference is that you're in command, you're still the strong alpha guy but you're delegating resources to helping you out of a tight spot. You're still stoic but you recognise that you need some short term assistance. You're not breaking (which implies loss of control) your frame, instead you're just saying you need to mentally regroup.

    I'm sad that there's no link but the comedy show Red Dwarf has a funny macho guy that everybody loves and wants to sleep with called Ace Rimmer, and there's a scene in the episode where his friend is dangling off something, so he says grab my arm and hauls him up, which breaks his arm, and he says "'Fraid I'm going to have to do something a bit sissy now: black out." He then slumps over for a few seconds, wakes up, and says "Sorry about that! Let's get cracking!".

    That's an abridged version of what needs to be done.

    [–]Venenarium 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is one of those situations where it's allright. Might actually even be better to show here you have a humane side.

    Don't worry about it, you'll be allright. Sorry for your loss.

    [–]WoodWizzy87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Dude your mom died.... men are allowed to cry when family dies, babies are born, brother gets married, etc.

    where you can’t cry is when you feel hopeless, like you hate your job, you’re depressed, you need more money, etc. etc. these things can be fixed by attitude.

    [–]1walawalawa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I know TRP states never cry in front of a woman that isn’t your mother. She’s never seen me cry before in the 3 years we’ve been together. I also couldn’t just leave I was in the shower. And I broke down in front of her. Do you think this will damage my LTR?

    Firstly, sorry for your loss dude.

    I'll dissect this for you and explain it from a Red Pill perspective.

    Firstly, this is a huge loss and the show of emotion is justified. The idea of crying or not crying is irrelevant. In your case you didn't cry in front of your LTR she heard you and came in.

    This is actually the time to show some humanity and vulnerability.

    That's ok. What isn't ok is crying randomly, feeling sorry for yourself, constantly complaining, bitching about whatever.

    See the difference? My condolences.

    [–]TrenGod37 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I’ve cried in front of my LtR before bc my best friend died. It’s find dude. You’re human she’s not going to go cheat bc you’re mourning your mother. Just don’t let it cripple you

    [–]Sayianpride007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Crying because your mom died isnt going to ruin your LTR. Losing control of your life and not being able to continue to do what you need to do, or becoming a long term emotional vampire sucking the support out of people, will.

    Take time to grieve, just dont take forever. Infact, if you try to prevent yourself from grieving properly now.. Your going to end up with a void and it will eat away at your relationships with everyone.

    Process it all without conviction now, so you can get through it and continue to move on with your life having achieved peace about it.

    Btw, good on your girlfriend, looks like she was getting undressed and focused on trying to support you even if it meant she had to get soaking wet lol just dont spend all your time dumping shit on her or crying ALL the time.

    [–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Do you think this will damage my LTR?

    Bounce back quickly, you'll be fine in her eyes.

    [–]360_no_scope_upvote -1 points0 points  (5 children)

    Crying infront of your LTR under any circumstance will hurt your relationship.

    That being said sometimes we cannot control our emotions, we are human after all. She will see that when push really came to shove you handled it all and did so in the privacy of your own home.

    Continue to be the best you that you can be.

    [–]slippers80[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Look if she wants to leave me because I cried over my mother dying then fuck her. Let her leave. I can do better then. It says more about her than it does me. Will it damage it? I honestly don’t care my mother comes first. I haven’t ever cried in front of her. She’s cried in front of me for little shit and I’ve consoled her. She wants to leave, let her leave, one less mouth to feed.

    [–]360_no_scope_upvote 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I hope I didn't come across too cynical in my post. Just the reality of things, you are her bedrock, when she sees even the twenty ton Rock can be moved by the sea all people not just women take note. I hope you are not angered by these posts (although anger and a range of emotions is understandable). You seem to have your shit together don't sweat it

    [–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    No you didn’t come across as cynical. I’m aware fully that she relies on me. That’s why I made a post here. Because I never cried in front of her and I didn’t know what that would do. So far it’s been 2 days and we seem to be back on track with things. I’m not angry, I understand the laws and nature. I’m leaning more towards indifferent. Like I said if she wants to leave and go find chad fine. There is no “one”. I can always do better.

    [–]alchamest -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    "Crying infront of your LTR under any circumstance will hurt your relationship." I don't do absolutes man. They are the tool of the sith.

    From only my own experience in life. this message/view of yours ( assuming it is yours and your not parroting ) is way off, waaayyyy fucking off!!!!!

    Honestly, your out near pluto with that shit.

    • shakes head and walks off *

    [–]360_no_scope_upvote 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Reads like a bad tumblr satire

    [–]Opioidus -1 points0 points  (3 children)

    I'm so sorry for your loss brother, our mothers will forever be the only women we could truly trust. People are not telling you the truth in here, crying is an irreversible mistake, the reason does not matter, you remind them of their own worst aspects and they can never forget that. You will never recover to what you used to be in her eyes, crying is more beta in their eyes than having a scat fetish. It's all emotional content with them and no reason, she won't say "well, his mom fucking died", she'll feel "ewwww repugnant beta".

    [–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Then let her leave. I can do better

    [–]Opioidus 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    She probably won't just get up and leave but first give you an extensive amount of very high volume hard-to-beat, easy-to-fail shit tests, much more aggressive or cunning than you have come to expect from her. I once cried in front of this girl, she was one of them "nice ones", nothing like the nasty lawyercunts you encounter in bars, but a sweet country girl who knew well that she has to conceal the less appealing aspects of her nature from men.

    The harshest shit test I had come to expect from this girl was "the occasional weeping for no reason to see how he reacts" and "casually mention my ex once in a while" type of stuff. Man was I in for a surprise, after my tearfest the bitch went insane. I didn't make the connection at first and took her objections to be genuine, and thus falling even further in her eyes, soon she was talking about how messy I am around the house, how much of a loser I am for driving a motorcycle in my 30s, how short my dick is, how I'm going bald, how I need to hit the gym more, we ain't gonna have sex tonight, you better do as I say or else..

    Needless to say we get into this huge fight and she outright admits she doesn't feel the same after my dad died, and the only connection I can make is that crying session. We broke up and I was bitter over her betrayal for years but I learned an important lesson, never, ever cry in front of a woman. Even in jest for a prank, even in case of a child's death, just don't do it.

    [–]slippers80[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Kinda sounds like you fell into her frame a bit. You said you got into a big fight, and she constantly berated you. If she was insulting you then you should have left. I won’t stand for that and my girlfriend knows it.

    [–]ricoue -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    Its over. She is probably repulsed by you now and its only a matter of time before she spreads her legs for someone else.