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Why am I afraid to escalate? (self.asktrp)

submitted by FishyPussyCuck

Short and Sweet.

Been on a few dates with women whom i'd lay, and each ends the same, with me doing some autistic shit instead of escalating.

Prime example: I take girl I met a while ago out on a small date / get-together. Goes well, I drive her back to her place. We sit in car for a few minutes, No escalation. She invites me into her place, I go inside. Sit on couch, she sits with me. No escalation. Even though she sends some pretty clear IOI's she wants my dick but waits for me to make the first move. We talk about meaningless shit then I leave. Am I a pussy? Is it in my head?


[–]FuckboyAWALT 87 points88 points  (11 children)

Ding. Ding. Ding.

You're a pussy. Inviting a man into her place is one of the biggest IOI's you can get.

What do you have to lose? You entered her place with nothing but the option to win. Worst thing that can happen (FRA excluded) is to get rejected.

What do men do when they get rejected? They try again 2-3 times. If it fails you leave but you still won.

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 15 points16 points  (9 children)

Yeah, once she invited me in, I knew the cards were on the table, all i had to do was play my hand right, and since I've almost never been in a situation like that, I guess you could say I kinda "Froze up". I've been hearing things (Not just on this occasion) about just doing it, and when it's in your mind you kinda get intimidated or whatnot. Is there a way to train your mind to avoid these thoughts? Or is just "Jumping in balls deep" still the only legitimate answer?

[–]FuckboyAWALT 12 points13 points  (6 children)

What do you have to lose? Why are you intimidated?

Just make a move and see where it goes and ffs stop overthinking. She's horny you are horny, have sex.

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I honestly have NOTHING to lose. I wouldn't care If I never saw this chick again, but for some reason and as some of the comments below have state, I'm beginning to believe I have the fear of rejection in my head. I'm almost certain I could've F closed if I'd atleast put in minimal effort instead of pussying out like I did. I may need to work on my mental game before I actually start pursuing.

[–]PB0034 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Man, think you are a goddamn stud that this bitch invited you to her place. A grown ass man she never met before. You only have to do two things

1) Breathe. 2) Escalate.

Are you still afraid of rejection?

Abe Lincoln lost 6 elections and still became the prez. While you over here can’t even escalate 1st time in yo life.

[–]FuckboyAWALT 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Go out and get rejected 50 times. I bet after the 24th rejection it will stop hurting/caring you.

Some need more some need less. In addition approach 3 girls a day before you get home.

[–]Chaddeus_Rex 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Eh. Not sure how true that is. Been getting rejected for years from cold approach. It's p8ssed me off even more.

[–]htbf 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I'm beginning to believe I have the fear of rejection in my head.

You don't.

You're just "too polite" and afraid of "making her uncomfortable".

The easiest way I found to counter this is turning "kino" into a challenge to her. Like switch the topic to how you noticed that people are just so goodamn distant from each other today and that's it's annoying to a warm person like you. Social animals like us NEED to touch each other. When you talk about that, make it fun and daring and challenging and tease her by touching her and showing her how simple it fucking is.

Once you have one finger on her, you can take your time and escalate.

[–]mrHappyPotatoe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are wrong there "play my hand right". You already played your hand right. It was like someone offered u million dollars and instead takining it u turned your back and ran.

Maybe your are in wrong headspace like thinking u might not deserve it. Well when u hear that bitchy voice next time act opposite fuck that voice. Tell it to go guckitself and put you hand between her thighs.

[–]PM_ME_UR_BOOBSSSS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This whole post is pointless. If you can't self-analyze and realize that your just being a total pussy, then you are a lost cause..

[–]mrpoopistan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Inviting a man into her place is one of the biggest IOI's you can get

This. Context and proximity are the easiest clues to pick up when reading intentions.

People don't openly put themselves in positions where an outcome is implied by the context.

If you're in her place, you're in. You're done. The battle is over.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 22 points23 points  (2 children)

Why am I afraid to escalate?

Because you are afraid of rejection.

So what if some half-nekkid 110# girl rejects you? It's meaningless in the long term.

Also you can expect some token resistance so don't freak out at the first sign. That's just ASD.

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Are there any ways or tool-tips I can use to begin to fight my fear of rejection? I also don't know how to distinguish ASD. I may find what i'm looking for in the sidebar.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Look. You are a man who wants to put his penis inside of a woman. Stop overthinking.

"Faint heart never fucked fair lady."

-From, The Sayings of Chairman Zaitzev

[–]TheStumblingWolf 13 points14 points  (6 children)

You remind me of myself. I was so afraid of rejection that a girl could literally throw herself at me and I'd still be like "nah, the signs aren't clear enough".

I've found that it's important to figure out why I react a certain way. Doing so helps me break the pattern. For me I realized I was a typical nice guy. My way of getting to feel valuable was to try and manipulate the world into expressing it thought I was. This meant that when I was with a girl I'd have incredible performance anxiety because if she didn't like it, she wouldn't validate me. This meant that my self worth depended entirely on external factors.

Eventually I started to look at the big picture as well. I don't wanna go through my life thinking back on missed opportunities. I spent my teen years doing that. No more. When I'm in a situation where I feel like I don't have the guys I try to think about how I'd think back on myself in the future if I didn't escalate.

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Nice Guy has been my conditioning for a very long time. I talk to myself about missing opportunities but for some reason It kinda seems like either I don't want to change, or change isn't happening fast enough or when I need it too. Maybe i'm taking everything way too seriously when it comes to women and dating?

[–]TheStumblingWolf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could be you're trying to walk before you crawl. One of the main things I've had to learn is to become outcome independent. I do my best to not have a specific goal in mind when I do things. What happens happens, what doesn't doesn't. At any point where you have to do or don't, you make the best choice you can with the tools you have at that point. Doesn't make sense to bash yourself in the head afterwards. Just learn what you can and move on.

[–]TheWinterCometh 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I’m a lot like you were. Every time there’s a girl I think about approaching, I’ve managed to convince myself that she either: a.) Has a boyfriend already or b.) Has a better man than myself who is already trying to get with her or she likes.

In both cases I believe she’s happier than she would be with me and It’s easier to not express myself when I feel like I’m her worst option and so have little to no chance.

I’d like to change that mentality, but I fear I’ll fall into the other extreme where I feel entitled and start to sleep around notoriously, something that would betray my conservative upbringing.

[–]TheStumblingWolf 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Heh I used to think like that too. Now I'm like "if she's showing me that amount of interest, she must not be getting what she needs at home".

You're basically tripping yourself though. Keep working on yourself, identifying things you want to change etc. and everything will change.

Go little by little. You're not in a hurry. Try new things, see how they fit and take it from there.

[–]coloredzebra 0 points1 point  (1 child)

"if she's showing me that amount of interest, she must not be getting what she needs at home".

Does that propel you to approach however? This is something I've definitely contemplated, yet too complacent to actually act upon.

[–]TheStumblingWolf 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Usually this happens in a social context where there's a whole bunch of people I know. It would be social suicide.

[–]stylerTyler 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Take no offense but you are. Just freakin do it man. Sit close to her, hold her hand and go in for the kiss *facepalm

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I'm not a very good kisser myself, do you think that would've turned her off?

[–]stylerTyler 10 points11 points  (1 child)

That I call bullshit. Not kissing her at all did actually turn her off more than being a bad lover ever could. Just close your eyes and do it and the process will take care of itself.

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, on my way out I kinda knew I fucked up somewhere and there was no going back. You don't gain experience unless you try. But at the time I don't think I was thinking logically.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorFieldLine 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Just last week I kissed a girl and our teeth clacked together.

Pause

"Ha that was like we're back in junior high". And then I did it again intentionally. She laughed, and we had sex. (Joke's on her, I didn't actually have my first kiss till I was 21.)

If she's into you, there's nothing you can do or say that's wrong as long as you hold frame. You control the interaction, and by extension, the mood.

[–]skullsquarecompasses 2 points3 points  (3 children)

You're probably putting her on a pedestal. Just got for It, man. If she invites you in, you're well in there. What are you afraid of?

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pedestal, probably not. But it seems like I tend to want things to work out the way they do in my head, then when one thing is thrown off, I go silent autistic.

[–]TheWinterCometh 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Is it that easy? I remember in my first semester this girl invited me to hers to work on a project together. We’d barely discussed the project before she was feeding me homemade food that I hadn’t hadn’t had in a while, putting on a movie for us to watch, and later on taking a shower just a few feet away from me. By the time I’d realized it, it was 11pm and no progress had been made. I was confused as I had just wanted to work, but this girl seemed to want to do everything but that. In such a scenario should I have just ‘gone for it’?

[–]PB0034 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nah man should just waited for aliens to come to this girls home so you would scare jump in shower with her.

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You are afraid.

Your instincts evolved under conditions of much greater mate scarcity than those that exist today. This is why abundance mentality is something you must consciously work to build.

When you first start escalating aggressively, you will be rejected. Not might. Will. This is because you have no experience.

Those first few rejections are an experience you must have, not because you need practice at escalating (although you do), but because you need to stop fearing rejection.

In fact, for those of you who are high-status, handsome, ripped and huge, whatever before you discovered TRP... if you don't get rejected much, go out and get rejected on purpose.

Because a high success rate isn't nearly as needful a thing as not fearing rejection.

[–]Ex-guitarist 1 point2 points  (2 children)

fear of rejection most likely

[–]FishyPussyCuck[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Now I'm getting somewhere. Now for how to over-come it.

[–]Ex-guitarist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is no magic trick or pill that will help you. Just try and see what happens.
The idea is not to think about the outcome but to act.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Am I a pussy? Is it in my head?

Practice, and learn to care less about this one interaction.

You don't want to fuck it up with This One Special Girl (subconsciously probably), so you don't take risks, and you lack experience.

Fix this by seeing your personal progress as more important than This One Girl Right Now. Escalating is great when you get the hang of it, but it needs practice.

Let go of the outcome. It's just something you have to do to maybe get sex. But it's not that big a deal, it's just one thing that you do.

Touch her, accept she will probably like it but might not, deal with consequences later.

[–]Radinax 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Focus on touching her, make it your number one goal and just go from there.

[–]Raikkonen716 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What about your body contact? When interacting with girls, do you usually touch them or not? Focus on that aspect, i think it's kinda easy to escalate when you get used to have a good body contact with a girl.

[–]319Skew 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could be that you're afraid of success.

[–]--69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's the same fear many guys feel all the way from approaching the first girl ever to having sex: scarcity. You give too much importance to each opportunity you have, don't escalate, and end up stuck. Each interaction is so insignificant by itself. Once you realize that messing up has ZERO consequences, you'll approach/escalate/close like a machine. Failing gives you tremendous insight and experience.

[–]throwawayMF1988 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She made things very easy for you so there is nothing wrong there.

But you really did bad. But that most probably is because you are inexperienced than because you are a pussy. Try again another time and know that all you have to do is say "You look very beautiful today!" and start kissing her.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 0 points1 point  (0 children)

and each ends the same, with me doing some autistic shit instead of escalating.

Username is no exception to this.

[–]mabden 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why am I afraid to escalate?

You answered your own question. You are afraid. You fear rejection. You do not want to hear the word, NO.

[–]hb8only 0 points1 point  (0 children)

because you are seeing her as hot and sexy - imagine her without makeupp and with un shaved legs...

[–]RPBetaphag -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm a pussy too but kino is easy even for me. Just wrap your hand around her lower back, rub her goddamn thigh and if she doesn't push you away you can kiss.