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The only reason I want an LTR is to have a companion to go on adventures with. Friends are flakey af. How common is this? (self.asktrp)

submitted by fade2clear

I have several close friends...or so I thought. I'm starting to rethink shit. I'm at that age(late 20's) where every one of my friends is either already married or engaged. We all used to hang out at least once a week.

I consider these guys my brothers but goddam, it's fucking impossible to coordinate plans with them. I know they would be there for me if I needed them, but actually planning fun shit to do with them is like pulling teeth.

I know this happens with age, but man I feel like I need to find new outgoing friends who aren't tied down to a bitch. Seems like a hard thing to do unless you share a common obsession or hobby.

The only positive thing about most LTR's is that your girl is usually down to do whatever you want to do, as long as you take the lead. This just reaffirms that at the end of the day, you only have yourself.

I went on vacation by myself a few weeks ago FFS. I still had a blast but it would have been better to share it with someone. It just sucks because it feels like I put in more effort to maintain friendships while they are just complacent in their routine and wives/girlfriends.

Can you effectively make close friends after you're 25?

EDIT: left out a key word in the title. The only reason I "would" want an LTR.....I'm not actively seeking one lol


[–]2CainPrice 97 points98 points  (4 children)

Making friends as an adult is hard. Growing up, the majority of your friends are really just friends due to proximity. They're people you go to school with, live close to, or work with, and sometimes friends of friends you meet while doing things. Once you're grown up, most of the people you live around or work with have girlfriends, wives, or families. For those guys, 99% of their friends aren't real friends, just parents of the kids in their kid's class or couple friends they hang out with as a couple.

However, you don't want to use your girlfriend as your best friend. That's too much to put on a woman. Women are fragile, and if you ask a woman to be more than one thing for you, she's going to do none of those things well. If you want a girlfriend to be sexually available 95% of the time you want to have sex and to be respectful as hell of you and your awesome life, you can't have no friends and no social life and try to use her as your friend and social life.

You're in your late 20s, so maybe meet some guys you have things in common with at networking functions. Go get drinks afterward or something. Start a bi-weekly poker night with the guys where you live. Start taking a martial art and make friends with the guys you train with. It's really important that you have a decent social life independent of any girl you're seeing, whether she's a girlfriend or just a sex friend.

[–]fade2clear[S] 36 points37 points  (1 child)

For those guys, 99% of their friends aren't real friends, just parents of the kids in their kid's class or couple friends they hang out with as a couple.

That's a depressing fact, and I see that playing out in real time.

[–]rigbed 16 points17 points  (0 children)

If you go out to make friends youll find no one. If you go out to be a friend you’ll have no shortage of friends.

[–]kayfab 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great advice, i don't see anyone i used to be friends with when i was young we do get together with some friends to go out but like you said family etc so we don't go out often.

[–]aaaGreg 41 points42 points  (4 children)

Are you the kind of friend you’d like to have?

[–]Random_throwaway_000 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Who wouldn't want a clone of themselves as a friend?

[–]MNCPA 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Mr. Meseeks.

[–]Luis_McLovin 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Deep.

[–]fade2clear[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Before, no. Now, yes.

Maybe that's the problem. I would hope my friends aren't the crab in the bucket types. They don't act that way, at least on the surface.

[–]MNCPA 19 points20 points  (3 children)

I married my best friend. She wanted me to be everything and do everything together. It was nice for a while and I do miss the companionship. But, the moment I started saying no, she started sleeping around.

Tldr - best of luck, it could be good or bad.

[–]markinsinz7 2 points3 points  (1 child)

So where are u with life now after the divorce and all that shit? And age as well.. always wonder if divorcees despite learning trp and having fun with girls end up depressed as fuck inside cause of the lack of real companionship

[–]MNCPA 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm a year into the divorce process and nothing is final. Family court moves slow in my state.

See, in my situation, my ex-wife never really grew into adulthood (maybe me too). We were dependent on one another way too much. She would expect me to be everything and it was exhausting. I could keep her happy, for a while.

I'm not divorced but I can see life much more clearly now. It's odd how now I can see the turbulence of my ex from stepping away for a year.

Love is one hell of a drug.

I'm not actively searching for another best friend, but I can get partial companionship from friends and co-workers.

I'm just okay being me.

[–]El_Serpiente_Roja 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sheesh

[–]CalvinRichland 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's not easy but it is possible. I have close friends even with wife and kids i see my closest friend every couple weeks and we still do camping trips together. The vast majority of men get a girl and then disappear, but most women do that too.

Were you really that close with them to begin with?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

You need more single friends around your age range. Personally, I have no problems setting up plans with my friends. In fact, I have the opposite problem: I find friends are always game for whatever, but LTRs/Prospective LTRs are some of the most flakey, unreliable people who are pretty close minded on what they want to do.

Brainstorm in your head as many new possible social activities you can participate in and go from there.

[–]fade2clear[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

You're right, maybe I need to put myself out there more and ask people to hang out. I just assume everybody is consumed in their own little world to hang out with a random stranger.

These are friends I've known close to 10 years or longer. They're usually down to chill, drink, play video games at their house. Getting them out of the house is a fucking chore though.

I'm always wanting to go hiking, kayaking, to a show/concert, go play basketball, workout, shoot guns, etc. Admittedly, I used to be the textbook unmotivated BP sack of shit that would play video games and smoke weed in my free time. Things have changed though. I still like to chill every now and then, but my time is valuable.

[–]CalvinRichland 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I met a good friend randomly on an airplane. We ended up skiing together, our wives get along and we hang out all the time. Put yourself out there, its like meeting chicks but way harder

[–]dragonwarrior997 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Dude learn how to be alone sometimes, if not a lot. Once you free yourself of that life gets so much better. You're over-compensating for the fact that you're really needy. Snap out of it. Go alone on a trip somewhere and just approach bitches and apply what you've learned here and you'll feel much better.

[–]fade2clear[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I just went on a week long out-of-state vacation/hiking trip alone and did exactly that. It was very refreshing! I've always went to concerts by myself if I couldn't find someone to go as well.

I'm slowly adjusting to the solo dolo life. It used to make me feel like a loser to do activities alone

[–]LeftTwixOnly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read the post.

[–]oneorigin 8 points9 points  (5 children)

LTR is about you working 24/7 to keep a pussy near you. Wanna have fun - get plates.

Friendship dies with age. Forget this word.

[–]fade2clear[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Ideally all of my FWBs would be down to do spontaneous shit on the reg. Dating without commitment at least.

I don't really want a LTR.

[–]oneorigin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It worked for me for 20 years.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]oneorigin -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    I never had an LTR. And those, who don't do as I said, don't keep their LTRs (unless chicks have low SMV).

    [–]tchower -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    So true man! Lol

    [–]BARF-NUTS 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    It sounds great in theory but then if you ever breakup you just feel lonely and back to square one, it is v important to have a group of close friends.

    Try going on the Meetup app or finding local volunteering/martial art groups.

    [–]BARF-NUTS -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Also I agree it is deffo harder the older you get.

    [–]Wrath_of_Trump 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Break social conventions and be the guy that talks to people. Everyone is busy looking at the cracks in the ground or their phone, they're not going to make friends either. It is difficult, but you have to work on yourself. Why would someone want to be friends with you? Being nice isn't enough. Being cool isn't even enough half the time. You have to be the fuckin man. You have to have some value you bring to the table, and sell the shit out of it.

    [–]1kick6 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    What’s so “FFS” about going on vacation by yourself? You go on vacation to get away from your bullshit life, but you want to take your bullshit friends?

    [–]fade2clear[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Nothing at all. I've just always had the opportunity to go somewhere with somebody but not this year. Actually preferred it. Nobody slowed me down from doing what I wanted to do.

    You'd be surprised at how many people frowned on me after telling them I was vacationing alone.

    [–]Impulsive666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Lots of good answers, won't go into the philosophical.

    As for meeting new people, try a crossfit with a good community. Met some of my best friends like that.

    [–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    The only reason I want an LTR is to have a companion to go on adventures with. Friends are flakey af. How common is this?

    It's common for friends to be flakey, but until you get this handled (ways to fix, ways to not care) you'll find women are worse.

    "My social life sucks" is a very very poor basis for an LTR.

    , but actually planning fun shit to do with them is like pulling teeth.

    They are controlled by their wives and girlfriends.

    I still had a blast but it would have been better to share it with someone

    Right. Doesn't have to be an LTR though.

    Can you effectively make close friends after you're 25?

    hahaha yes. I'm wayyyyy older than you, and don't have problems making new friends.

    [–]fade2clear[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My emphasis is more on lack of "similar interest" friends and less on the LTR part. I'm just saying that would be the only benefit of an LTR to me. The bad still far outweighs the good. Everything in an LTR is short-lived anyway

    [–]kayfab 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    After my last separation i wanted this too, from 41 to 44 i tried to find a good women went online a few people tried to match me and i found nothing, i was quit amazed at how lazy 35y old and older women are. And how much they over estimate there values.

    [–]IncognitoMaster91 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I get what you mean and I've been scanning the responses for good replies but meh.

    Most people my age in my city are not doing anything even close to what I am doing.

    I'm used to being solo. But at the end of the day it's always funner when you have a crew.

    But what if there was no crew? I'm thinking I'll try this out.

    Worse case scenario is you drop the ltr but I think like you said she would more than likely be down for anything you proposed to do.

    [–]No_Chill_Bill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Last year I left my home state because of this

    Friends that can barely Kick it, when they do it’s just they’re fucking parental problems (ALL of them got put on papers & can barely if not at all see their kids....women LOVE weaponizing children against fathers) and other bullshit that I really just didn’t give a fuck about anymore

    Same shit, different friend.

    So I packed my shit and left before I ended up like one of them

    [–]MrAnderzon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Same with any type of relationship What do i have to offer.

    People only want to see what's in it for me.

    That's one way to make friends be more valuable

    [–]Morphs_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Last week I was on vacation with one of my best FwBs. It was awesome. You don't need an LTR to do fun stuff with a girl. I'm 37 btw.

    [–]Kommanderdude 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    They’re flaky because you are the type of person people don’t want to be around. And for that reason ltr will never work for you either.

    [–]VSelf47 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yes and no. I’m flaky to some friends who aren’t as interesting but some guys clearly are not making an effort to meet.

    [–]fade2clear[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    [–]chachaChad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    They built their lives. What's wrong with you?

    You can make close friends at any age but they are going to be in similar situations to yours.

    [–]poochman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Companionship (in a way you can't get with male friends) is definitely a major benefit of a good LTR. Something to take in account when deciding what your goals with women are.

    [–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Hate to tell you but women make shitty friends. You can have one as an adventure buddy (I’ve found one) but then you ain’t gonna be fucking her. One or the other. Both is that unicorn everyone thinks they found just to learn later she never was.

    [–]4gliders 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Agreed. The one person I consider my friend now adays is female and we actually had the discussion this weekend that we want it to stay completely platonic.

    You can’t have cake and eat it too

    [–]redisthetruth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Learn to enjoy doing things yourself. Learn to make new acquaintances and invite people to stuff if you want to get to know them better.

    Making close friends as we age is quite difficult. Everybody has their own lives, their own work, families, kids. Everybody has their own issues. Life isn't all about having fun and going out and chasing pleasure after a certain point. We have to learn to be independent and solitary and content.

    This is especially true in the western world where individualism and capitalism rules. People are just too busy trying to make ends meet.

    [–]swishandswallow -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    I have the opposite problem, I have a LTR and I don't want to take her.

    [–]QuantumSpecter -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    I have a question sort of related to this. Im 20, and i have a couple of friends who are pretty much tied down to their girlfriends. Like if they wanted to, im sure they could hang out with their broa. But they choose their girlfriend to be the only person they spend time with. Is this bad?

    Like i really cant imagine my girlfriend being my only friend. I need bros in my life. I feel like i would get bored spending so much time with one person