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Struggling, guys. My GF shot an armed assailant and I'm the one who can't wrap my head around it. (self.asktrp)

submitted by sheshothim

Throwaway, clearly. I've changed the specifics for obvious reasons but I think the gist of the situation is here.

So a few months ago my GF and I were with friends at a bar/casino watching football. Long and shitty story short: guy walked in, pulled a handgun and started waving it at customers and the girl and guy behind the bar/register. Told everyone to get down, demanded money, was switching between aiming at all of us and then right back to the bartenders.

All of us were kind of crouched down on the floor in hardcore "WTF?? Is this real??" mode. I reach over to grab my GF's hand and let her know it'll all be cool and to keep her from freaking, but she's not even looking at me - she's locked on the dude waving his gun around and reaching for her purse.

I've known my GF has had her concealed carry permit for awhile (her Dad and brothers do, just kind of a thing I guess) but I wasn't aware she actually carried. I definitely didn't know she had something like RIGHT FUCKING THEN.

Things were over the top freaky at that point, the bartenders didn't know how to open the registers without a transaction and were trying to punch one in or something and dude with the gun is yelling he's going to shoot if they don't hurry up, that they're obviously fucking with him. Total chaos. GF now has her gun and has actually moved fucking closer to this nut job, I'm whispering for her to just be cool and she's whispering back she's okay. The robber turns away from the bartenders and drops his gun a little (still holding it, just not aiming right at anyone), GF fires and knocks him down.

No, she didn't kill him but he was done. Someone else grabbed his gun and then a bunch of us piled on him until the cops came.

So here's the thing: on one hand, I'm proud of her. This guy was on drugs, who knows what would have happened. She could tell the gun was cocked and ready to fire and she acted. Great, right? But I just feel disturbed and I can't shake it. For a few weeks afterward she'd take an extra run or something and just say she needed "to think some things over" but that's really it. I'm waiting for this breakdown that just hasn't come or something, and meanwhile I can't stop replaying the whole thing in my mind. I feel like the girl in this relationship all of a sudden. Not sure what to do, thanks for any insight.


[–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 91 points92 points  (49 children)

A lot of people don't have it in them to actually put a bullet in someone else or respond that calmly and rationally to danger. Your girlfriend does.

It's not so much that she's manlier than you that's getting to you. It's that she's always had this in her, and you never knew, and how could you not know that about somebody you're serious about?

She's supposed to need you, and she didn't need you then, and she doesn't need to talk about this now because she can handle her own shit and her own feelings. So she doesn't need you, and you're feeling insecure because somebody you thought needed you doesn't need you at all and never has. So the inner voice inside of you is wondering why she's with you if she doesn't need you.

You're starting to feel inferior, because you're not confident in yourself. If you were a badass man - physically fit and good-looking, professionally successful, socially apt and well connected, well versed in useful skills and interesting hobbies, confident, decisive, a good leader, and an all-around badass man who has options with nearly any woman he encounters -- then this wouldn't affect you at all.

[–]sheshothim[S] 22 points23 points  (2 children)

You've hit the nail on the head. I knew in a way she had this in her - not that I'd ever imagine I'd see her shoot a guy, but like she's a solid, put together person in every way I've seen and experienced. She's never been needy, but I still felt needed because she picked a pretty alpha guy for a reason, right?

I'm fit, I'm attractive, I'm successful, I have options. I'm the leader in our relationship and typically she seems content with that. I've never lacked confidence but this is affecting me.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That she did.

    [–]3redpillshadow 7 points8 points  (42 children)

    She's supposed to need you, and she didn't need you then, and she doesn't need to talk about this now because she can handle her own shit and her own feelings. So she doesn't need you, and you're feeling insecure because somebody you thought needed you doesn't need you at all and never has. So the inner voice inside of you is wondering why she's with you if she doesn't need you.

    I'm quite sure she needs an alpha now more than ever. She just doesn't trust OP anymore to be that alpha.

    We don't know cause OP never talks about her feelings, about her body language. Was she shaking, was she smiling, how did she react after pulling the trigger? We don't know cause OP doesn't know.

    She trained for that situation. She likely was in the zone when she took the threat out, switching her emotions off, just going through the motions. Right after it she needs her alpha, the emotions come crashing back (she is a woman after all) and she needs her rock. And that alpha isn't there so she is closing off.

    [–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 16 points17 points  (6 children)

    I agree. It's definitely a red flag when she's going for jogs instead of rushing into her man's arms or fucking out her emotions with him. I'm not saying women can't sort through their own emotions. Just that it's the kind of thing they usually resent men for if they have to shoulder something like this all on their own because their man sucks.

    [–]Sir_Distic 8 points9 points  (5 children)

    I think it's normal. She's strong, he's not. He's shown weakness in front of her. Trying to calm her into not acting because HE was worried during the bar scene.

    She had that under control and he didn't.

    He's shown weakness again by checking in on her over and over to "See if she's alright."

    If he was smart he'd take her out. Do things with her to get her mind off the problems. (him and the shooting). He needed to be her rock. He wasn't. He still needs to be her rock. He's not.

    This is going to end badly for him. She won't stay.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    I didn't try to "calm her into not acting." I'm glad she did what she did and it turned out how it did. She probably saved the lives of several people that day.

    I will take her out more, though - that's a solid suggestion. In the immediate aftermath she didn't want to go anywhere and I couldn't blame her, people were walking up to her and wanting to talk about it and she just wasn't into it. Hell, people were banging on her front door. I think we're past that now.

    [–]dapowa 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    If it were me, I'd have offered to stay over for a couple nights to keep the wierdos at bay - assuming she's living on her own.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You're right, we don't live together. I definitely stayed over. There were weirdos. Lots of weirdos.

    [–]Fryguy48 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    She can tell if you are not okay with whatever happened. They can feel it. Hell everyone can feel if someone is not okay with something. You need to get the hell over what happened. She did what was right, and was willing to jump when it was needed. Now go and show her it is okay, she will reflect off of you and if your not "okay" with what happened, she will close off.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'm completely okay with what happened. It's the fact that I can't quash the "what if she doesn't need me?" irrational thoughts. My ego is tougher than this, so I'm trying to find the root of the dissention and kick its ass.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 3 points4 points  (34 children)

    I'm quite sure she needs an alpha now more than ever. She just doesn't trust OP anymore to be that alpha.

    I'm not sure why you think she doesn't trust me anymore? Our relationship and our dynamic hasn't taken some drastic turn for the worse, or even changed much at all. Obviously this has been a circus in certain ways, but the problems I'm writing about are my thoughts, not her actions.

    We don't know cause OP never talks about her feelings, about her body language. Was she shaking, was she smiling, how did she react after pulling the trigger? We don't know cause OP doesn't know.

    No, I know. I just wanted to keep things concise with my post. Since you're interested: right after she pulled the trigger it was as if everything and everything froze for a second. She kept her gun on the guy until she realized he had dropped his (he spun around and fell facing away from us) and another customer ran forward to grab it. Then it was like all Hell broke loose. We all rushed forward and dog piled the guy. My GF and another guy held their sweatshirts on him where he was bleeding. The cops were right there, we all talked to them separately and together. She was very clear about what she saw and how things happened, but she did keep asking for another sweatshirt or coat because she was really cold which was odd. When we got home she asked to sleep so put her in a warm shower and put her to bed.

    She slept a lot over the next couple of days, then back to her mostly regular schedule. She's a runner and that's how she thinks about things, says the physical strain helps her clear her mind. She often does this before we talk about big decisions or she has something big at work so she can form what she wants to say.

    She trained for that situation. She likely was in the zone when she took the threat out, switching her emotions off, just going through the motions. Right after it she needs her alpha, the emotions come crashing back (she is a woman after all) and she needs her rock. And that alpha isn't there so she is closing off.

    Suggestions to be more "there?" She's not a "crash" kind of person, she gets around to her feelings when she gets around to them, usually after a lot of consideration. It's typically one of the things I like about her but my own thoughts are getting the better of me and I want to get in her head sooner rather than later.

    [–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorbicepsblastingstud 3 points4 points  (16 children)

    I'm not sure why you think she doesn't trust me anymore?

    It's not that she doesn't trust you. It's that she doesn't trust you to lead her, because when she was taking care of business, you were getting in the way:

    I'm whispering for her to just be cool and she's whispering back she's okay.

    Unfortunately, I concur with /u/redpillshadow. Based on what I see here, this relationship will not survive.

    [–]sheshothim[S] -1 points0 points  (15 children)

    Okay...so I ask her to be calm, she's calm, and that's bad?

    [–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorbicepsblastingstud 11 points12 points  (14 children)

    Yes! Because she was taking action and you were about three steps behind.

    Look, it was a life-or-death situation and she handled it better than you did. I don't say that to hurt your feelings, but because a relationship cannot survive that, and you deserve to be aware.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (9 children)

    I don't want to be too obvious here, but she was in possession of a firearm. By your logic, the only way my relationship can and will survive would have been for me to be carrying as well. So my GF can now only date men who have shot someone?

    [–]Endorsed Contributorbalalasaurus 3 points4 points  (5 children)

    You said you knew she was licensed to carry. Is it really so difficult to imagine that she would be carrying at all times?

    No by his logic the only way your relationship will survive is by a demonstration of leadership on your part. You carrying a piece, is not a necessary condition of that fact.

    So far you have not demonstrated that leadership. You gave none while the situation unfolded and you have given none in the aftermath, instead choosing to focus on how this situation has affected you.

    [–]InscrutablePUA 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    So far you have not demonstrated that leadership. You gave none while the situation unfolded and you have given none in the aftermath, instead choosing to focus on how this situation has affected you.

    He did demonstrate leadership by staying low and calming his gf, which is what law enforcement advises you to do and would've been great for almost ANY other girl out there. This girl however is weapons trained so it was insufficient for HER.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    It's not difficult to imagine at all, no. I just didn't realize she had one in that handbag at that moment. I don't ask every time we walk out the door. When she runs she has a vest and a different, smaller weapon. When we've discussed guns that's the only public scenario she's mentioned carrying, so I didn't give it much thought after that.

    Per the second part of your comment, the logic still seems skewed... This was one situation where the tools she possessed to lead were better equipped for the situation. To "best" her, I would have needed to be in a possession of a similar tool.

    I lead most other aspects of our relationship, am neutral on some others that aren't important to me. I'm in a leadership role now.

    I think part of what's bothering me is that my GF may think like what you're describing, that one incident where the roles are reversed, so to speak, is defining.

    [–]InscrutablePUA 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    When she runs she has a vest and a different, smaller weapon. When we've discussed guns that's the only public scenario she's mentioned carrying, so I didn't give it much thought after that.

    She goes for a run with a bulletproof vest and a gun? Do you live in a dangerous area?

    [–]3redpillshadow 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Be honest. Are we talking to a girl here?

    http://www.hackerfactor.com/GenderGuesser.php#Analyze

    Genre: Informal Female = 961 Male = 870 Difference = -91; 47.51% Verdict: Weak FEMALE

    Weak emphasis could indicate European.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    According to your link, half the comments from this thread so far are from weak males or females. Yet, the last email my GF wrote was penned by a male. I think I put my finger on the problem - I'm dating a dude.

    Fuck, dude, you're a chick too:

    Genre: Formal Female = 178 Male = 99 Difference = -79; 35.74% Verdict: FEMALE

    [–]dickbroom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I just spent 10 minutes playing with that site. Pretty cool and I suppose it's nice to confirm I write masculine. Thank you.

    [–]Ignacio14 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    So, in her eyes he lost frame? He whispered to her to be calm when he should've looked at the bad guy with predator eyes, thinking of ways of taking him down and making moves to do it? I think it would help if /u/sheshothim took steps to develop a fighter in him - get a pistol, CC permit, learn shooting from proffessionals, start practising MMA. If he was a pussy in his girls eyes (I'm not saying he is, tho), after gaining confidence in those new skills - he wouldn't be.

    [–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorbicepsblastingstud 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    So, in her eyes he lost frame? He whispered to her to be calm when he should've looked at the bad guy with predator eyes, thinking of ways of taking him down and making moves to do it?

    He didn't necessarily have to go after the guy himself, but a better reaction would have been "I've got your back," rather than "be cool."

    [–]Ignacio14 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    but a better reaction would have been "I've got your back,"

    Yeah, I feel that would be the right response too. If she wasn't shaken up, he could've fistbumped her and told her "You're awesome/badass. Proud of you." But literally if she didn't feel anything except adrenaline after the incident.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Somehow, under the circumstances, I doubt nitpicking the verbiage would have mattered. I had a panicking girl behind me, and a woman drawing a weapon for the first time on a human target beside me. What I said didn't matter so much as being calm, reassuring, and checking in that GF was indeed cool and in control of what she was doing. If she had been shaking or looking uncertain or panicked, I have to say I probably would have tried to stop her.

    [–]3redpillshadow 2 points3 points  (11 children)

    I asked about her emotions, about her feelings, about her body language. Notice how you didn't answer any of it. You described actions and words, not feelings. Women operate on feelings and you don't seem to have a handle on hers.

    See, when she said "I'm cold. I want a coat." she didn't actually ask for a coat. She asked for warmth and not in the form of heat. Warmth in an alpha telling her that she did awesome and that embraces her and lets her forget the world around her. Did you tell her that day that she was awesome, did fantastic and that you are proud of her - and did you mean it? Cause that is what she needed. When you say you weren't needed, that is what you were needed for, to give her that warmth, that security.

    She slept a lot over the next couple of days, then back to her mostly regular schedule. She's a runner and that's how she thinks about things, says the physical strain helps her clear her mind. She often does this before we talk about big decisions or she has something big at work so she can form what she wants to say.

    That is about as masculine of a solution as it can get. She meditates before you talk to find her calm, her inner masculinity (read the way of the superior men). That is not good for a relationship. That inner calm should be you, that is your role. That is why I said she doesn't trust you to be her alpha. She may trust you to be her friend or even her lover, but you are not in a feminine - masculine relationship. She is a strong independent woman who has balanced her feminine and masculine needs in herself (or so she thinks). In the way of the superior man that is called stage 2. It won't make her happy and I hope she manages to get to stage 3 and find a way to let a man be her rock.

    [–]htbf 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I've read The Way of the Superior Man and you're extrapolating on her being more masculine than him. It takes much more than "running to clear thoughts" to make a woman masculine in his intimacy.

    The only real way to see it is through their sexual dynamic. Which we don't have access to.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Didn't really think it was relevant for this post, but it's good. That hasn't changed since all of this happened, save for a immediate uptick in frequency right afterward. We're mostly back to our regular dynamic now.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    Thought a description of actions conveyed she was calm, collected of not a little detached, felt exhausted and then contemplative. But I can get more detailed of it helps.

    And of course I told her I was proud of her and she did awesome. I AM proud of her, and she definitely did awesome.

    My relationship isn't in trouble here, that's not what I'm asking for advice on. I'm having irrational and lingering thoughts, inside my own head, and I trying to deal with them.

    [–]Fryguy48 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I'll tell you exactly what my old man told me "get the fuck over it."

    [–]sheshothim[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I like that guy.

    [–]Late30sMasculist 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    That is about as masculine of a solution as it can get. She meditates before you talk to find her calm, her inner masculinity (read the way of the superior men). That is not good for a relationship. That inner calm should be you, that is your role. That is why I said she doesn't trust you to be her alpha. She may trust you to be her friend or even her lover, but you are not in a feminine - masculine relationship. She is a strong independent woman who has balanced her feminine and masculine needs in herself (or so she thinks). In the way of the superior man that is called stage 2. It won't make her happy and I hope she manages to get to stage 3 and find a way to let a man be her rock.

    It's been many years since I read that book. I do remember Deida saying something to the effect of, "Everyone has their own balance of masculine and feminine qualities. For most men, they are mostly masculine, but masculine women do exist." He then goes on about the importance of finding a partner with complementary balance of masculine/feminine qualities. In other words, a feminine man and masculine woman would be a good pair.

    In your post, you take for granted that she wants to be feminine, but expresses her masculine side this way because she has to. Which, from what I remember and summarized above, is not necessarily the case (according to Deida). Do you disagree with Deida here? Think that maybe he talked about feminine men and masucline women to be PC and sell more books?

    BTW, I completely agree with your analysis of the dynamics of their relationship.

    [–]3redpillshadow 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    Think that maybe he talked about feminine men and masucline women to be PC and sell more books?

    I don't think necessarily to sell more books, just to let the readers get to the essence of the book. If he says all women are feminine and all men are masculine his readers would be programmed into trying to debunk that or debunking that with anecdotal data discarding the rest of the book. Of course masculine women do exist. Butch lesbians. Nothing to write home about.

    Giving the situation here. We have that she is 5'. And we have her freely expressing "I'm cold. Please someone bring me a sweater." We already know she doesn't want to be masculine based on that alone.

    Then we have OP stating that

    she picked a pretty alpha guy for a reason, right?

    I'm fit, I'm attractive, I'm successful, I have options. I'm the leader in our relationship and typically she seems content with that.

    She wants the feminine part of a relationship. I'm certain.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I'm sure she wants the feminine part of a relationship, too - she's not a "butch" girl at all. A lot of her hobbies are more masculine, but she's girly in plenty of other ways.

    Update on the cold thing: just got sent a PM, apparently feeling cold is really normal after a traumatic event. Not shock really, but similar?

    [–]Late30sMasculist 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    If he says all women are feminine and all men are masculine his readers would be programmed into trying to debunk that or debunking that with anecdotal data discarding the rest of the book.

    Good point.

    we have her freely expressing "I'm cold. Please someone bring me a sweater." We already know she doesn't want to be masculine based on that alone.

    I read the coldness as a result of the flight-or-fight response...restricted bloodflow to the extremities means she will feel cold.

    Then we have OP stating that "she picked a pretty alpha guy for a reason, right? I'm fit, I'm attractive, I'm successful, I have options. I'm the leader in our relationship and typically she seems content with that."

    This I can get behind. I think your analysis of the whole situation is quite insightful. The stuff I wrote above I was just picking small details to flesh out your ideas a bit more.

    Thanks for posting.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I've had a couple of PMs since posting - an EMT suggested the coldness was a result of the traumatic situation as well.

    [–]marlybarrow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    but she did keep asking for another sweatshirt or coat because she was really cold which was odd

    She went into shock, that's also why you didn't see much of an emotional reaction from her.

    [–]InscrutablePUA 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    She slept a lot over the next couple of days, then back to her mostly regular schedule. She's a runner and that's how she thinks about things, says the physical strain helps her clear her mind. She often does this before we talk about big decisions or she has something big at work so she can form what she wants to say.

    She's a woman who was raised by a strong man and surrounded by strong men, it seems. She undoubtedly had a whirlwind of emotions but apparently she learned some degree of stoicism from her male family members.

    Despite that, even 'strong' women eventually have to break down and cry to have emotional release. That day is coming, if it hasn't happened already. Talk to her dad/brothers to understand better what's going through her mind.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Her Dad's advice was "she'll get around to it when she gets around to it. Just be there." Solid guy, Dad.

    [–]InscrutablePUA 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Sounds like it. I'd follow his advice. He seems to know his daughter well.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yup. He's told me similar stuff about her before, that you just let what she has to say rise to the surface. It's one of her cool, but baffling traits.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    How the heck do people still call this sub sexist... with so much wisdom floating around.

    [–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Sorry. Forgot.

    Women are stupid cunts!

    [–]Letsbeserioushere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Telling it like it is with surgical precision. Love it.

    [–]Johnny10toes 95 points96 points  (14 children)

    The world needs more people like her.

    Men have sent other men straight to their death charging machine gun nests. I think you can get over this.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (13 children)

    Oh, I know I'll get over it but it's messing with my head. I want to get over it faster.

    [–]bur_ner_ 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    And you should. The more she realizes that she's mentally tougher than you, the more she'll start to look for other guys.

    [–]sheshothim[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Just this post and conversation have helped the process along. Light at the end of the tunnel.

    [–][deleted]  (10 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (7 children)

      I admit I'm not knowledgeable on guns. My dad wasn't into them and my mother was horrified by them (French by birth, NOT a thing in her home country at all). So I'm becoming a bit disturbed by the consensus here that my GF is obviously going to move on because she packs and I don't.

      Is this a "gun culture" attitude, that everyone has to carry a weapon to be equal? Honest question, it's just not a lifestyle I've spent much time in.

      [–]RedBigMan 9 points10 points  (3 children)

      Simple... Your GF was raised and trained in a household that respects firearms. She's probably had a good deal of practice in terms of target shooting/firing range deal. When the situation arose that required that training those thousands of hours of practice kicked in and she dropped the fucker who needed to be dropped.

      Also I don't think 'gun culture' is about everyone having to carry a gun. But when you have a certain level of firearms available. Say 1:4 people have firearms and/or carry them around that the odds of someone using a firearm to commit a crime will decrease.

      If you want you can always learn to own, maintain and operate a firearm. Perhaps you have just found yourself a new hobby?

      [–]sheshothim[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      Definitely found a new hobby. I'd thought about it before but I'm on board for sure now.

      [–]RedBigMan 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Kudos. If I lived in the USA I'd probably get involved in the firearms culture. Where I live it's probably too expensive to get involved in.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I've spent quite a bit of time in Europe as my mother is French, and yeah, I wouldn't want to even attempt it over there. Much easier on the finances in the US.

      [–]menial_optimist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      You should own and train with weapons. Never even mind your gf, you need the tools and abilities to be the first and best line of defense of yourself and the community from lethal criminal violence which can strike anywhere.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Is this a "gun culture" attitude, that everyone has to carry a weapon to be equal? Honest question, it's just not a lifestyle I've spent much time in.

      God made men, but Samuel Colt made men equal.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Actually I remember seeing a documentary on handguns and stuff, and .22 bullets were surprisingly high on the lethal shots chart, mostly because they tend to not exit the body following the path of the shot, but they deviate a lot, causing internal wounds far more lethal than the original entry wound.

      But yeah, it wouldn't be an insta-kill most times which I guess is kind of your point.

      [–]3redpillshadow 29 points30 points  (2 children)

      You are not her man and in a situation where she needed you you were not her man. Your relationship will not survive based on the information you have given us.

      You talk a lot about being her man and how you want to fake it, but you are not doing it.

      I reach over to grab my GF's hand and let her know it'll all be cool and to keep her from freaking, but she's not even looking at me - she's locked on the dude waving his gun around and reaching for her purse.

      She is in defense mode. She is worried about the threat right in front of her. You are worried about projecting a fake security onto her, to play alpha, not be alpha. Your main worry is to shield her from reality, to pretend everything is safe. Meanwhile you also insult her by assuming she would freak. Not cause she gives you any information in her body language that she might freak, instead cause you are selfish and want a weaker person as yourself as your girlfriend. Your mindset is incredibly off in that situation.

      I've known my GF has had her concealed carry permit for awhile (her Dad and brothers do, just kind of a thing I guess) but I wasn't aware she actually carried. I definitely didn't know she had something like RIGHT FUCKING THEN.

      You have that information and still you misread her that much. That is really bad. You cannot be the protector if you are not able to digest information about her, if you do not know who she is. Your job as a protector wasn't to pretend you have a fragile girlfriend who needs to be stopped from crying hysterically. Your job as a protector was to make sure she doesn't misjudge the situation and get herself killed by mis-drawing her gun. I'm not saying stop her, but keeping a watchful eye out when things go south so you can react. The situation is that she has a gun, you are now in charge of making sure she executes the bastard while taking minimal risk. Instead you do that

      Total chaos. GF now has her gun and has actually moved fucking closer to this nut job, I'm whispering for her to just be cool and she's whispering back she's okay.

      You take her out of concentration. You make her take the protector role, you make her calm her man down who is about to freak.

      then a bunch of us piled on him until the cops came.

      I'm sure you weren't the first to act and pile on him. I'm sure you didn't check your girlfriend. I'm sure you didn't immediately embrace her and tell her that she did awesome. I'm sure you jumped on the guy as number 3, more interested at playing alpha and taking down an already defeated opponent than being alpha and taking care of your woman.

      Now of course she doesn't think that she can confine in you.

      For a few weeks afterward she'd take an extra run or something and just say she needed "to think some things over" but that's really it. I'm waiting for this breakdown that just hasn't come or something

      You are messing up constantly. She is taking those runs alone and dealing with the situation alone cause you showed her that you can deal with it even less than she can. Hell you are still waiting for her to crawl to you instead of being her rock. You are waiting for her to break down, so she is fragile again, the type of woman again you want. The type of woman you can protect and save. It is more important for you to be a knight than doing the alpha thing. As the alpha in such a situation you need to be proactive. You need to be the one in control, you need to be the one who knows everything, before she tells you anything. But you aren't in control. She is and she likely hates it.

      , and meanwhile I can't stop replaying the whole thing in my mind. I feel like the girl in this relationship all of a sudden. Not sure what to do, thanks for any insight.

      You are. You are more worried about your feelings and how your actions might look than with being the leader in the relationship. You didn't lead at any moment in the interactions. Neither at the diner, nor afterwards at home. You are waiting for her to make a move.

      [–]TrpAggroThrowAway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Beautiful post. Thanks.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Appreciate the perspective, but you're making a lot of assumptions that don't quite line up with the situation at hand. But you are right in one regard, I do need to know everything before she tells me anything.

      [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      [deleted]

      What is this?

      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      [–]ingebunny 11 points12 points  (1 child)

      You have an awesome girlfriend...just putting it out there.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Even though I'm feeling a little fucked up right now, yeah, you're right. I've always described her as "concentrated badass" (she's barely over 5' tall). She lived up to the nickname for sure.

      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Why do so many men get caught up with being "needed"? I've seen male friends and men in my family succumb to handing themselves over to a pathetic woman because of how manly it makes them feel for these wretched women to be 100% dependent on them. I love absolutely nobody but myself and my aging parents "needing" me to get by just fine. I don't need that commitment or responsibility.

      Anyways, back to your question. Instead of focusing on her needing you for manly protection, why not just focus on her being attracted to you? There are a million more feelz you can induce into a woman than "Oooh big man protect me." Hell, since she was already trained to protect herself, she probably had other reasons she is attracted to you. Simply being a man who can stand letting her have a little bit of masculinity might even be part of that.

      Regardless, I don't see how this is anything but awesome for you. Your girl is a badass. Get yourself a concealed permit license as well. At least she won't be the type picking fights for you at bars just to test you "manliness".

      [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Right on - she's never been a needy girl in the first place so why am I surprised our relationship is something other than a sense of dependence on her part? Time to kill some of my inner cynicism.

      [–]littleteafox 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      You can't go back and change what happened. What would you have preferred to have done, anyway? Wrestle for the gun that you aren't trained for? Tried to be more "macho", possibly getting yourself or others hurt?

      She needs you now. I doubt she was able to just shoot someone in a highly stressful situation and then come out all honkey dorey. She's taking extra runs because she's still feeling the aftermath. She's probably going to be on edge for a while, especially if she goes inside a bar/casino place again. This is where you step in as her rock. Having one scenario play out where she steps up doesn't negate you being the captain of the relationship. At RPW we often talk about how we show deference, but only to our captain. We are confident, we have great jobs, we play sports or do martial arts, etc - all of this is outside of the relationship dynamic. She did what needed to be done in the face of danger. RPW like our men to be rocks, sturdy, strong, and there for us when we feel like we're falling apart. This is something completely in your control.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Best comment yet. Thank you.

      [–]slurmfactory 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Man that chick is bad fucking ass. Don't feel like the chick. You probably have light PTSD or something after such an insane and stressful event. I mean your girlfriend shot someone in front of you. I would go get some counseling on your own time and try to let your head settle. Give her plenty of space as I am sure it is probably even more intense to her.

      [–]Rasalom72 13 points14 points  (8 children)

      She has a carry permit, so she's had some training in handling a weapon, and using it properly. If more people did this, there would be less crime, and less criminals.

      My only problem is that she didn't have better aim and finish him off to take the burden off the justice/ medical system.

      Other then that, learn the lesson here. THE HAMSTER HAS A GUN AND KNOWS HOW TO USE IT. Don't fuck with an armed hamster.

      Man up, take some lessons on how to deal with weapons, and move on. Or keep looking for your GF to protect you.... your choice.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 5 points6 points  (7 children)

      I don't know that the problem is me feeling like she's protecting me, so much as it is that I don't feel like she needs me to protect her. Does that make sense?

      We talk about frame all the time here, and my little 5' and change GF showed she could hold hers better than most damn dudes in a total shit your pants situation. So what in the fuck does she need me for?

      [–]dickbroom 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Easy way to fix this feeling: go take some firearms training classes, buy a gun(s), get your CCW and practice. This can be done with her/her family or separately.

      Talk about a great opportunity to learn a new skill, enter into a new circle of (mostly) men, and better protect you and your property.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I've been thinking about it for awhile as something her Dad and I can do together. Might be time to put the plan into action.

      [–]Rasalom72 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      She needs you to be the calm in the ocean of storms. Women don't have the kind of introspection that men do (generally), so when a woman is going crazy because she's feeling bad (hormones, family, work, whatever the reason), she needs the calming stablizing influence of a man to be the dry land when she's lost at sea. And as the Captain of the ship, it's your job to make sure you're ship doesn't crash on the rocks when a storm hits.

      Sure, a woman can pay her own bills, and lead her own life, and don't need no man, yadda, yadda, yadda... but they still NEED to be dominated and they still need to be placed into a follower position behind someone (a man) that they trust/ respect/ are attracted to.

      [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      If she needs calm, I'm calm. Maybe I'm waiting for a breakdown that just won't happen and I'm psyching myself out.

      [–]Rasalom72 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I think maybe you don't understand just how cold woman can be to unattractive/ non-alpha guys... they literally don't exist to most woman. She might have more problem with killing a rodent then with shooting (not even killing), this scumbag.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I'm not ashamed of my actions at all - I stayed calm, went to put her and my buddy's GF behind me and behind the booth seat. They were my main concern. GF just had other plans.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (16 children)

        I am willing to bet you acted fucking weird afterwards and that's what is really bothering you. If you had maintained frame and were like damn that was awesome to her and never really brought it up again like it was something you expected her to do or not that big of a deal you'd be fine. Have you had little talks since? Are you withholding information with us that you acted way more like a bitch in this scenario?

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        I would have done just that, said wow awesome of you and then go out to dinner. She might be shaken up some that she had to shoot someone and having him stay calm and treat her like everything is normal might be helpful

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Exactly my point.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Have you ever met anyone who's shot someone? Going out to dinner in the immediate aftermath isn't gonna happen.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (12 children)

        I'm not sure how telling someone "damn that was awesome" and then moving on like shooting someone is no big deal is helpful...

        What I did afterward was protect her space and her privacy for her, turn her home into a refuge while she took some time to deal with firing a bullet into the body of another human being.

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (11 children)

        Yep definitely sounds like you lost frame.

        You don't need to be helpful. She's fine. A refuge? What the fuck. You're devouring the small incidents lead to PTSD script (see: triggers). She was trained and executed flawlessly according to your story. You feel like the chick in this scenario because YOU ARE BEING THE CHICK.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (10 children)

        Frame is fine, it's the thoughts inside my own head I'm trying to work though.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (9 children)

        Who says that? You sound like her.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (8 children)

        I just said that. Maintaining frame is an outward manifestation, a series of actions or inaction. That's not a problem. I'm here to get some perspective on my thinking, not my actions.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

        Your thoughts are leading to your actions dude.

        To me you sound in denial and are refusing to take responsibility for what you fucked up not what you couldn't control because there was a correct response and an incorrect response.

        You are incorrect.

        I get what you are saying you can't change anything the damage is done.

        well you can change your actions going forward by recognizing what you're doing and possibly salvage it or walk away a better man.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

        Leading to what actions? I'm by no means perfect, but I don't let every negative or unsettled thought I have manifest into action.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

        Alright dude you're not listening to anything I'm saying you just want to contest everything so I give up.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

        I'm just trying to dig out the point you're trying to make, man. You're talking negative/incorrect actions when that's not what this conversation/post is even about.

        I don't feel bad or like I fucked up or lost frame and you're trying to invent a reason I did. She didn't want the media or visitors, so I managed that and kept them away. I handled shit while she took some time. If you can think of a better way to respond, I'm all ears, but I don't think taking the lead is "losing frame."

        [–]beware_the_syllogism 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Get your CCW. Have her teach you to shoot. You'll have to work on the mindset. I cannot find women who want to shoot. It's a bummer.

        [–]TheBeardedMarxist 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        As someone who still carries in casinos when they have a sign on the door saying not to because I figure if I ever need it the law is the least of my worries, was there any legal issues for her?

        [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        The casino didn't have anything posted (can't think of any around here that do?) and she has a permit to carry concealed. No troubles, just the heap pile of interviews that come with being involved in an armed robbery.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        You sound intimidated and emasculated

        [–]TDCRedPill 3 points4 points  (4 children)

        She shot a dude, of course she's going to need some time to process things. Deal with it and be supportive.

        As for your own insecurities, stow that shit immediately. She's processing what happened and if you're not completely a solid, stoic rock, you won't be of any use to her.

        She properly handled a bad situation. She sounds like exactly the kind of person you want on your team watching your back. If you're crumbling, you're not worthy to be watching hers. Step the fuck up.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        You're right. She's processing. I don't know totally what's in her head right now even though she's looking cool on the surface. Instead of wondering why she needs me, just be there when she does, right?

        [–]TDCRedPill 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Kinda. The way you're going about it makes it sound like you're advertising yourself as a vending machine ready to dispense validation and just a quiet machine in the corner until then. That won't work well, it limits you to an occasional utility.

        You should be beaming, standing tall, proud, and happy. She's your little ass kicker and you're proud to have her on your side because she watched your back in the most unambiguous cut and dry situation anyone could ask for. There's no worries about the morality of what happened in your mind; she's going to stress that there is, and she needs to feed on the frame you project that there isn't. It could even be said that you're gaslighting her, that she did the right thing; the principles are the same, holding frame.

        She'll feel what you project. Project insecurity and doubt, and she'll feel insecurity and doubt. Feel love, pride, and sense of appreciation, and she'll get to feel that too. Don't make big, grand stand shows, just smile and beam warmth. How you phrase and project things will affect how she 'comes to terms with' (i.e. remembers) what happened.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Good thoughts. I've tried to tone the "beaming" down because she has expressed the attention (there was media, lots and lots of media) made it seem celebratory that someone got shot. She described it as "the best option in a bad situation, but still not good."

        [–]ispeaknot -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

        everybody except for her should be celebratory. especially YOU

        she shouldn't revel because that can open her up to legal repercussions.

        too bad she didnt flush him, but she still did a great job in lighting him up, and a service to the community. you need to celebrate that just like you would her getting a promotion at work

        [–]TheAngryLife 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        What is your gut telling you to do? I think you know best.

        If you want to feel needed in the relationship, you should develop skills that make you feel needed: Combat? Extreme sport? Firearms?. Women can see weakness better than anyone. Nothing in reality is making you weaker than you were before, only that your girlfriend stepped up. Your male ego, by proxy, is making you think weak because of this.

        Maybe it's time you got your own carry license, learnt to shoot, excel at it, to the point where you can teach her a few things, exceed her confidence in firearms. If only for your personal restoration.

        Be prepared for you guys to drift separate ways if you don't step up and cure your ego. In which case you must find ways of improving anyway.

        Best of luck.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Nothing in reality is making you weaker than you were before, only that your girlfriend stepped up.

        You're right, nothing really has changed, my ego is just going "WTF??"

        [–]NikeSlut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If you show any signs of insecurity about the situation, you are as good as gone in her mind. To be frank, the way you handled the dangerous situation in the most beta way possible makes me have no sympathy for you, faggot. Don't be surprised when she jumps on chads dick and sucks it dry.

        [–]LaV-Man 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I have a permit. I think all the time about if/when I have to use my weapon. I like to think I've prepared myself mentally for the aftermath. Perhaps she's done the same.

        Regardless, you should encourage her to talk to a therapist who has dealt with this sort of thing.

        [–]htbf 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        This was months ago ? You feel like nothing have changed between you two ? Is sex the same ?

        Have you talked about this ?

        Anyway, if you feel insecure about this, I don't see any way out.

        If it's not insecurity, then you should be able to talk it out and get back to the previous state of the relationship.

        In any case, you have to continue behaving exactly like before. If she's a feminine woman at the core, there WILL come a time where her emotions will surface and that will be the "test" you can't fail. She shot someone, saved lives and you're proud of her and you wouldn't have any other way from her. End of story.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Obviously there has been a lot of outside intrusion that wasn't there before, people coming to the house and calling her and wanting to interview her etc. But how we are around each other isn't much different save for her moments of introspection when she just needs a run or something. That was her habit before, now it's somewhat more frequent.

        The sex spiked right afterward and is still more frequent than it used to be, but we're a bit more back to normal.

        We've talked about the incident, sure. Our longest talks have been about the logistics though. When we get into the emotions of it she pulls back when verbally when I tell her she did the right thing or that I'm proud of her. It's like she wants to examine it and believe it herself before letting anyone compliment or comment. She's like that though, really internalizes things before talking.

        [–]htbf 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Then why exactly do you feel like the girl in the relationship if this behaviour of hers (pulling back to internalise) is not completely new ?

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        It has nothing to do with her or our relationship. It's the fact that I'm having illogical thoughts/doubts and I'm not sure why. Also, that I can't quash the illogical thoughts/doubts instantaneously. This hasn't been an issue in my life before and it feels out of sorts. That's all.

        [–]MyLittleAtomBomb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Your girlfriend is Liam Neeson.

        [–]egoisenemy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        You'll be alright OP

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Thanks, I think so too.

        [–]marty2k 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I was in a sort of similar situation. No guns but the same feeling. Me and a plate were out and a guy had a cardiac arrest. I knew CPR but barely and hadn't renewed my license in years. She was a nurse. I hesitated, she jumped in immediately giving CPR and ordering me to dial 911. She saved that guy's life, she took charge of the situation and was the alpha in that moment. My frame was broken (at least it was for the great good).

        I won't lie, I was feeling the same thing shortly after. I had never been in a situation where I needed to reverse roles with a woman before. I was shaken. But I was able to get out of my head. After it all was over I complimented her about it, made some tease about the nurse from Animaniacs, and fucked her brains out at home.

        My plate being more equipped to handle a medical emergency does not make me less of a man or leader. Does the leader of a group of Marines get emasculated when a medic saves a life? She had the skill necessary for that scenario, but I have the overall frame and confidence to handle any other scenario she's not equipped to. Yeah you're girl can handle a gun, so what. It's a tool, anyone can learn to use a tool. Can she lead a date better than you? If you guys came across a situation she's never been in, who would be the one to step up? Does she have the frame and confidence you do? Who's the captain of the ship? I'm guessing it's you.

        Stop thinking so much about it, it's your reaction to her dominance rather than the dominance itself that's affecting your relationship.

        [–]Overzealous_BlackGuy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        You failed when you didnt act, from your story you did nothing but let her go to the frontline. Alone.

        And now your forcing her to act like she needs you when she probably isnt sure if she ever will.

        Take a deep breath reset, and be aware of what happened but act like it didn't. Embrace her actions, support her the real way. Tell her what she did was brave, tell her she motivated you to carry. Speak to her like equals, Remember you lost frame and you are no longer in a position of control reain by handling this a lot better than her.

        [–]medik13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        i actually went through something similar only in the UK. Instead of waving a handgun around he was challenging people to fisticuffs, my girlfriend offered him a cup of tea. he calmed down and we had a good giraffe about it down the local over a few bevvies.

        [–]yGTWgtNrco 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Reads like she's been trained well. Good on her.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        She's been around firearms a long time, but no formal training for stuff like this. When she talks about it she says she just knew when she had a good shot and knew she had to take it.

        [–]InscrutablePUA 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        This is one of the most interesting posts to have come up on asktrp in recent memory. I bet the large majority of men here would've done what OP did, which is also what law enforcement advises you to do in an active shooter situation unless you're very well trained.

        The fact that she reacted so calmly and decisively means she really knows her way around weapons and may even have some training for this type of situation. It's quite frankly impressive.

        My question is this: what would she have done had she not been carrying?

        [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I can only speculate. My reaction was to keep the people around me calm, put her and my buddy's girlfriend (buddy was standing by another booth) behind me and behind the booth.

        My guess is she would have done pretty similar, but I couldn't completely speak for her.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Tell her its awesome and you had no idea she was that good at shooting. Go out to a shoot range with her , get involved. Clearly it saved some lives . I might not be super pro gun, but nothing wrong with getting involved. Don't make it a big deal, if its brought up just say the dick head had it coming to him. Be proud of her for this one.

        [–]InscrutablePUA 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        OP I'm pretty sure you did the right thing in that situation. Law enforcement doesn't advise engaging the attacker unless you are well trained for such situations. What you did would've been perfectly fine for almost any girl out there who would've been freaking out at the time.

        Unfortunately, it was not enough for the girl you're currently dating who apparently is weapons trained and able to act decisively under pressure. I'm not sure what it means for your relationship. Maybe nothing. Maybe she'll see you as less of a man now. I don't know. Only thing you can do now is do what TRP has always advised.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I'm pretty sure rushing an armed attacker across an open room with no weapon isn't manly, it's stupid. I'm sure my GF would agree. I guess it boils down to me not knowing what I don't feel right about - that's new for me.

        I'm not worried about our relationship or that she thinks less of me, but I am unsettled that there's a part of her psyche I just don't know right now. I'm good with her, she's open to me, and I feel like suddenly I'm not seeing the whole picture.

        [–]vw68MINI06 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        This woman sounds like a badass who has her shit together. It also sounds like she is going to start looking for a new alpha who is tougher than her unless you step up and fast. Cut the emotional crap. Whispering to her not to do it probably didn't help. You showed that she was stronger than you in that moment and you continue to do so by trying to talk to her about it when she is clearly cool with it all.

        Also, where do you guys live? In some states it is illegal to bring a gun into a bar even with a permit.

        Finally, with all the gun scare news going on, this needs some serious publicity.

        [–]sheshothim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Uh, I didn't whisper for her not to do it. I'm also not trying to talk to her about it. We discuss it when it comes up. As for her being cool - I dunno. She's calm, but what does that actually mean?

        I'd rather not mention where we love for pretty obvious reasons. She didn't like the publicity it garnered in the first place and neither did I, so I don't know why we'd want it to be an even bigger deal.

        [–]Gawernator 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        BAMF GF. As an avid shooter, it sure takes a lot to be able to draw and fire on someone accurately like she did. I am impressed.

        [–]Redditis4virgins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Strong women like this exist. They're extremely rare but they exist, nice catch bud, dont worry about it too much.

        Get a CCW permit and follow her steps in a way and try to become like her and get past this.

        [–]t_m_1984 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        She is pretty bad-ass. I want.

        [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        I havent dealt with this shit. But my guess would be to talk her up infront of friends etc

        So instead of being phased by it you sound like your totally cool with it and actually think it was awesome.

        This way you still hold frame and she's getting her daily dose of validation from you.

        Being all haywire is making you the pussy.

        [–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

        Mild PTSD. Consider therapy.