Third date: Shows up late, brags about why, then says she's sleeping in her own bed (self.asktrp)

submitted by EnlightenedViking

Summary: Lost in many ways last night, but still showed signs of improvement.

Set my Friday night up with a reservation at a great Sushi place with a girl I'd been on two dates with. The First, a few tacos and tequila shots followed by bringing her back to my place.(she doesn't stay) The Second, great night out on the town when we go back to hers. I was exhausted from some work travel and friends visiting the night before I didn't perform at my best, but we still had a great time.

Last night rolls around and I don't text or talk to her for about 2 days. She knew our reservation was at 8pm.

7:15pm - Me: "whats your address, I'll pick you up in an Uber at 7:45"

7:35pm - Her- "Nope. I just got out of the shower. I'll be ready like 8:15. Keep ya posted"

I don't respond and take an Uber to a bar down the road to get a drink. I know we are not going to make the reservation. i could call her out on it but I know the shit testing has begun. She's pushing my buttons.

8:20pm - She calls me and says she's outside. I tell her I'm at X bar come have a drink. I don't even mention her being late, missing the reservation. She never apologizes and her body language is already off. I act very casual as if I'm happy as fuck just to be having a beer and enjoying my Friday. At this point what's running through my head is "where did this girl lose respect for me"?

I'm starving and put a quick call into a less crowded Sushi joint to get us a table. I hadn't jacked off in days so I'm bursting with energy and feel her "energy" is off. She was a super sexually charged lady on our second date, and now she's this hot body that's like a cold fish.

We eat...dinner goes well, lots of sex talk and continued escalation from me. After a few drinks she brags about taking a 45 min shower...rubbing it my face that she gave no fucks about the reservation. She keeps up with some shit that I let go in one ear our the other. At some point she drops the bomb that she can't wait to go to sleep in her own bed tonight since she has to work tomorrow(at 10am) Then proceeds to brag about the late nights she had out during the week. This girl fucking sucks.

I don't show that I'm giving in to her shit. She knows my exactly what buttons she is pushing. She knows I am about to burst in my pants and that I'm into her.

I tell her she can get an uber home and that I'm going to meet some friends...she asks to stay and get more drinks...I say, "nah you need to get your rest" and I get in the uber and drive off.

What I felt I did right: not validate her shitty behavior by addressing her being late. Went along with the night like she wasn't going to phase me. When I knew she was playing games and wasn't going home with me...I walked away.

what I felt I did wrong - Showed too much interest early. She probably sensed she was my best option for the night. I had been giving dating a break to focus on saving some money for a trip to Europe. My options were limited and that's my fault. I'm more of a have great sex with 1 person than try and spin 4 plates and that's what I've been wanting to find. She probably picked up on that.

TL;DR - Walked away on a third date - back to the drawing board on understanding what I did wrong.

[–]MyReddit6 51 points52 points  (9 children)

You lost the second she didn't apologize or show any consideration for intentionally being late.

You VALIDATED her shit behavior by ignoring/saying nothing.

Girls are shit with time management. But its one thing to scurry in late to a date, applying lipstick, filled with apologizes because she wanted to look her best, and taking a 45min shower "just because" ruining the plans you made, and then rubbing it in your face.

You should've nexted the second she sent that text and didn't offer to reschedule.

[–]vorverk 8 points9 points  (6 children)

Scrolled down too much for this comment. Actively ignoring bad behavior, but still being present and giving attention? Really? You're double rewarding her bad behavior.

Bad behavior should be punished. By saying something (e.g. "If we're late, you're paying me drinks all night") , or even better, dread/next.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Is this all or nothing behaviour really going to work out in the end? Maybe I am "not there" yet, but it seems very limitating to insta next her. The punishment response is much better, but what if it escalates?

[–]vorverk 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Go read more sidebar. There are levels of dread. From playful comments to completely ignoring/nexting.

You punish by giving her less of you (you are the prize). What is this going to escalate to?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thanks! I will!

Escalating into a fight.

[–]vorverk 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Escalating into a fight.

Fight means you lost frame and is the most beta bitchy behavior. I know what you mean by the comment, just be aware that fight is totally anti TRP. Fight happens when the guy loses her mind games and loses control of his emotions. A rock hard man in control of his life and emotions never does that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe I know what you mean. But still can't really grasp what a good response would be to maintain frame and not be beta bitchy or totally ignoring her (which seems to be a beta bitch move too). Will read the 12 levels of dread and then see if I'll find any answers.

Thanks for your time!

[–]spassa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She isn't respecting you. If you let it fly she never will. That's not a girl you want to be together with. If you show her that shit doesn't work with you, she will maybe change her attitude or you dodged a bullet

[–]neopet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely right, addressing shitty behaviour doesn't mean you're validating shitty behaviour.

[–]EnlightenedViking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should've nexted the second she sent that text and didn't offer to reschedule.

This was what my gut said to do and I ignored it over being hungry and horny. Never a good idea to put your self respect below primal urges. I should have moved on at that moment she sent the bratty text.

[–]imatahigherplace 28 points29 points  (1 child)

*slow clap*

You did good, son, you did good.

She'll be contacting you soon enough, I promise you that.

[–]JourneymanTRP 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Doesn't sound like she's worth the gas is takes to get to her place, though, based on the story.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAFPJ 5 points6 points  (4 children)

7:15pm - Me: "whats your address, I'll pick you up in an Uber at 7:45"

7:35pm - Her- "Nope. I just got out of the shower. I'll be ready like 8:15. Keep ya posted"

back to the drawing board on understanding what I did wrong.

What you did wrong was not immediately cancel the date & shit can her after that 7:35pm response. Third date:

  • She doesn't even reply with her address
  • No "sorry" in sight
  • Doesn't give you a solid time
  • Plus, that attitude. "Nope".

Any one of those those things should have been enough of a red flag to be a deal-breaker on its own. You guys just don't fucking get it, these aren't "shit tests", the girl just isn't fucking interested in you. She's not. You're one step above Netflix, wine & PJs, probably because you'll buy her the wine so she won't have to pay for it. Respect yourself.

[–]EnlightenedViking[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

You guys just don't fucking get it, these aren't "shit tests", the girl just isn't fucking interested in you.

You're absolutely right. reminds me of a post recently about experiencing a girl who's really into you. There will be no or very minimal shit tests.

This girl came out swinging on the third date. Even if she does call or text in the future...I have to have some self respect

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

experiencing a girl who's really into you

I tried to search-find that post, but couldn't. Do you still have the correct name from the author or post itself?

[–]EnlightenedViking[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)


Here you go - great read and reminder to me as why I should have cancelled the date as soon as she made us miss our reservation

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]AlfredApple 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Well done mate, I reckon you handled that well.

She knows ... I'm into her.

This is where I think you are going wrong and I think you already know it too. Need to make sure she thinks you are less interested in her than she is in you.

Give her some radio silence for a few days, when she reaches out be busy and say you'll get back to her. If you have nothing else happening next weekend, throw her a line. Either go just drinks or tell her to come over and make it clear what you want.

Keep it up.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]JourneymanTRP 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yeah, she doesn't mention that stuff unless she's shit testing OP, and on date 3, god damn it's only going to get worse.

    OP did the best thing in getting the hell out of there and not wasting any more time on this one.

    [–]TheReddHobbit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Let it simmer. I bet she will be contacting you soon because you ended the evening.

    [–]lanky32 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Given the circumstances, you have done well. You did not whine or complain. You drove off when she gave you the typical beta bait to stay. Well done so far. Now remove all your attention from her. She will be back, I assure you. She tried to shit test you and you acted like a man, a man who has a spine. Women cannot resist such a man. She may take a week or two but she will text you in that time. When she does, do not reply to her first couple of attempts, it will drive her crazy.

    Now, why did she lose interest? Was it because you showed too much of an interest? No, I don't think that is the major factor here.

    The bigger reason is that she is going out and she has some other prospects who are at least as enticing as you are. And because she has that cushion, she has become complacent about you. She thinks she can act shitty and still have you. You are not the number one option for her at this point of time.

    So, what did you do wrong? Nothing much.

    What can you do now? Remove attention. Let her come to you. If she comes, then decide whether you want to engage with her or not. If you do, keep your texts short and act slightly disinterested.

    If she asks why you are acting different, do not explain the reason why. If you do, you will come across as a boy whose 'feeewings' have been hurt. And take it from there then.

    [–]White_Phillip 3 points4 points  (6 children)

    Summary: Lost in many ways last night, but still showed signs of improvement.

    I'm more of a have great sex with 1 person than try and spin 4 plates and that's what I've been wanting to find. She probably picked up on that

    I'm the same way dude, but try it out. It's so hard to get what you want from a great girl when you have no abundance. I swear to God girls can practically smell that they're your best option. They switch from "fuck" mode to "see if I can turn him beta" mode and see how far they can push you. At the very least be going on dates with a bunch of different girls even if you're not fucking them.

    [–]PeopleHateThisGuy 3 points4 points  (5 children)

    Abundance mentality isn't about always having 4 options in a given night. It's about always knowing you can catch another fish.

    [–]White_Phillip 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    Proof not promises. Has he proven to himself that he can easily get one of those other great fish in the sea? That's obviously not the case because of his behavior with this girl. It may not be necessary to actually have literal options, but it is the quickest and most effective way to learn abundance by far.

    [–]PeopleHateThisGuy 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    When he up and left after she confirmed that she wasn't going to give him what he wanted, he demonstrated abundance mentality.

    [–]White_Phillip 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    But he was obviously presenting very needy behavior before that. Behavior that wouldn't show up if he was feeling abundant. As he said, she could tell she was his best option for the night. He handled it well once he realized what was happening, but it really seems to me he was communicating neediness and a willingness to put up with her shit just because she was hot.

    [–]PeopleHateThisGuy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    He'll just have to live and learn like the rest of us.

    [–]White_Phillip 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm just providing a good way to learn.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Congratulations, both on your actions and your self actualization.

    [–]anotherswingingdick 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    what you've already spent on her, would get you three hookers in Tijuana.

    Who are grateful for the work.

    [–]BusterVadge 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    IMO, your sexual performance didn't match what she expected out of your alpha behavior. Now she's trying to figure you out - see if you're the real deal, or trying to turn you into an orbiter.

    By your writeup you're doing all the right things, but sometimes shit like this happens and you just have to soft next and move on. Personally I would have ended the evening at the mention of the 45 minute shower, but that's not the root issue here, it's the unmet expectation of an amazing sexual experience. You have to knock 'em dead on the first time.

    [–]Venenarium 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Pretty good overall, here are some of my insights:

    • ME! ME! ME! You acted indifferently on the outside (well done), but judging from the way you write this, there might have been some butthurt internally. How could she let ME waiting, and then she brags in MY face, she was playing games with ME... You take this too personally man, it's a game, just enjoy the ride. Don't let the outcome define your self-esteem.
    • There might be another man in the picture.
    • Soft next her for a few days, she'll be back.

    [–]vicious_armbar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    deleted What is this?

    [–]NYCSPARKLE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    What city do you live in? I don't know that I'd ever pick up a girl before a date, unless I was driving my own car.

    [–]rocknrollchuck -2 points-1 points  (6 children)

    She had another date lined up for later, and used you to get food and drinks, teasing you intentionally to get her validation needs met before Chad got his needs met.

    [–]BeyondDedication 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Then why did she ask to stay and have more drinks?

    [–]PeopleHateThisGuy 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Disagree. This is just cynicism. She was trying to bring him into her frame, and he avoided it. He did the best he could with his situation. She'll be contacting him, or she straight up wasn't interested.

    [–]lanky32 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    She will contact him one hundred percent.

    [–]EnlightenedViking[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    We'll see . I'll post an update if that happens but for now I have to ghost

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    She would have pushed to end it early. OP definitely is labeled free meal ticket at this point though. If I read correctly that he fucked her on the second date, she wasn't impressed and thinks (or knows) he sucks in bed.