Throwaway account. Was going to post in "sex" or "relationships" but I knew exactly what the responses would be. I need some perspective and straight answers. So I dropped this here. Sorry for not knowing the lingo or acronyms of this group.
So I've been with my gf for 2 years now. I've never, in all my years, been someone the least bit interested in marriage. I lived a rich bachelor life for 12+ years with absolutely zero regrets. I was a former college athlete who always did well with the ladies but knew that happiness must be 100% self generated.
2 years ago I met my possible soon to be wife. She is a 10 in all respects. At the time I was working as an international trainer. I was invited to her company to deliver training to 60+ employees. I had done this dozens and dozens of times. Had a few hook-ups here and there but, by and large, tried my best to keep things professional.
When I met her all that went out the window. She was stunning, fit, personable yet incredibly feminine. We went out on a date and the feeling intensified to a degree I didn't know was possible. She didn't drink, she was unfathomably modest, she asked interesting, probing questions...the 4 hour date felt like 45 minutes.
When I got home I did some digging. All pictures on her social media were of her and girlfriends either shopping or running or doing some kind of volunteer work. Not one pic of her drinking or hanging off a guy or selfie in a bikini, nothing. There were literally no red flags. Not one.
We ended up meeting in California. Spent a full week together which led to us dating. Not too long after that she moved in with me and 5 months ago I proposed to her truly feeling, for the first time in my life, that I had snagged a girl that was my equal.
Things have been great. I intentionally pushed for a small wedding for fear of post wedding shell shock, not to mention the price tag associated with a big, traditional wedding. She complied and things have been moving forward seamlessly. Oh and our sex life is fire and keeps getting better.
Last week we were at a medical clinic together. She wasn't feeling so hot so I agreed to accompany her. I was working on something and asked if I could use her phone to google something since I forgot mine at home. As she handed me her phone she was called in to see the doctor. I sat there looking up information when a facebook message popped up from some guy in her home town. The name rung a bell as someone she told me she dated in the past (almost immediately after dating I asked all about her past and checked n-count...everything was kosher).
I clicked the message and it was a long diatribe proclaiming his love to her. I scrolled back through their convo and noticed no mention of me.
I didn't say anything to her but for the remainder of the night I was preoccupied by that message. I tried to sleep but i couldn't. I grabbed her phone and sat down in the living room. During the 2 years together we have both kept our devices unlocked because neither of us are the suspicious types. But I jumped in feet first.
I should mention that my fiancee is about 3 years out of college. She went to a huge state university famous, primarily, for their football program.
Anyways I looked through the conversation from that one guy and other than some curt answers at her end, there was nothing the least bit incriminating.
For whatever reason I decided to scroll through her fb messages which extended back to first year college. What I found made me almost yak. Message after message after message to football players talking about their hook-ups. Even some cold messages from her to other football players asking to hook-up. And every single one were black dudes.
I won't get into the details of the messages because they were pretty graphic but basically she was being passed around from player to player. Just from the overt descriptions within her FB messages, there were a confirmed 10 guys. She had told me when we started dating that her n-count was 8 total.
I confronted her about the information I found. Now here is what is really fucking with me. I was all set to end it even though it really saddened me. I love her to death but lying to me plus the thought of all these athletes running through her was too much. BUT, unlike 99% of women in the world, she fessed up without throwing in my face the fact that I snooped through her facebook. She walked me through every message and explained it all to me. She was super studious growing up with the most suffocating, helicopter parents ever. It was her first time away from home and her college roommate, whom she told me all about previously, was a black girl who was all about hanging with the football players. Anyways, it started innocuously, going to parties with these alpha athletes who were pretty much celebrities in her college, dated one and then things snowballed.
I guess this is the dilemma. What degree of leeway can be given to a girl and her slut phase especially when she shows absolutely zero signs of damage? She is kind and sweet and sexy. She is ashamed of this phase of her life but not damaged by it -- if that makes any sense. She calmly, almost professionally, walked me through it. She told me what she did and her thought process behind it, as painful as it was to hear, without skirting or deflecting. And it got me wondering "how many girls have pasts like this but just simply never tell their sig other? They go to the grave with it. Maybe i'm actually fortunate to know the truth. I dunno...this whole thing is soooo confusing.
The white lies have been the difficult part to deal with but as she said to me, how can a girl work that into a conversation? There is never a good time to bring that up.
So i'm kina stuck here. My mind keeps jumping around unable to turn the page on this. I appreciate the way she handled the situation and I understand she was a freshman in college but, jesus christ, she got fucked by a group of guys, half of whom are in the NFL now. I've never been the insecure type but for the past week i've felt 2 inches tall.
Helpful perspectives would be appreciated here.