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Dealing with guilt from Alpha Widowing a girl. (self.asktrp)

submitted by ricoue

BACKGROUND: We're college students, around 20.

I am with this woman who is madly in love with me, but I have no intention of committing to her. I thought it would be just a quick P&D but now I'm in a situation where she acts like my girlfriend and everybody around us thinks we are dating and treats us that way.

I recently tried bringing up the fact that maybe we shouldn't see each other so often since I don't see a real future in the relationship. She wept. Literally. Broke down in the middle of a public park and cried with her face tucked in my chest. She has told me she loves me, and that she keeps thinking of me all day. A couple of days back, we were together and she asked me if I loved her. When I told her that I didn't, there was visible disappointment in her face. I told her that maybe we should take things slow since I didn't know if this relationship had a future. We ended up having sex anyways. After she'd had an orgasm, she broke down and wept like a kid. Literally bawled her eyes out.

I feel so fucked up. I thought this was going to be a casual relationship but it has turned serious. I can't sleep at night, the guilt from leading on a woman and being the man responsible for her heartbreak is eating me from the inside. I don't know how to break up with her without causing a lot of drama and being responsible for a woman's sadness.


[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 32 points33 points  (6 children)

Alpha widowed??? She looks emotionally dependent, that's all. Girls get like this sometimes.

1 - women dump men on a whim, with no remorse. You shouldn't be abusive, but you have to do what's right for you. Women are selfish, we have a right to be too. She's cruelly dumped men in the past and will do in the future. She's no angel just because she is emotionally dependent on you.

2 - she'll get over this faster than you'd ever believe. Within 24 hours she'll fuck your friends or a stranger, within a week you'll be the abusive ex who is the reason she can no longer do <insert some effort she no longer wants to make in life>.

, the guilt from leading on a woman

You didn't lead her on, you are not responsible for her.

[–]ricoue[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I said alpha widowed because she's lower on the looks scale than me. The only reason we're together is because my game isn't strong enough to get my looksmatches and because she outright asked me out.

I fear I have ruined her. I'm a traditional person who believes in the sanctity of marriage and I think she won't be happy with a guy her own tier after what I did.

[–]ReddJive 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That’s your ego talking. Every bit of it and you’re showing your white knight tendencies here. So really it’s impossible You alpha widowed her. Just showed her a good time and relationship

Frankly you’ll never really know if you alpha widowed a girl if you do find out it won’t be for years later.

Any way. Her feelings aren’t your responsibility.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I think you may be exaggerating your own value.

[–]hdosnxbjdjeb 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What makes you say that

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe, but I'm basing it own how women act around me. I just have poor game.

[–]X--Man 130 points131 points  (13 children)

The female guilt trip. Works every time...

Unless you see it exactly for what it is. Her attempting to get her way. And, shes winning so far.

You do what you WANT to do. Ignore the tears. They can cry on demand... Learned from childhood. It works. She knows it works. It has been working.

Do what you gotta do, ignore the BS.

[–]RedSkeller 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Exactly this. And what’s the alternative? Being forced into something you already didn’t want? Attraction isn’t negotiable and it’s a two way street. You’ve already been honest with her at this point so the only real issue is do you want to put up with this behavior or not.

[–]AlwaysClosing1 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I came here to say this exactly 'attraction isn't negotiable'. Anyone here who has been dumped by a girl knows that they feel no guilt for dumping a guy so you shouldn't feel any guilt in this situation.

[–]ricoue[S] 6 points7 points  (8 children)

I guess so, but ignore the tears isn't something that i'll be able to do. Not that big of a sociopath. And they looked pretty real to me. How do you tell if they're fake tears?

[–]MrFuckinFantastic 17 points18 points  (4 children)

Does it matter if they're real or fake? What matters is you not being coerced by emotional manipulation into something you don't want to be a part of.

[–]ricoue[S] -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

Right, but having the ability to tell would be cool...

[–]lookoutitscaleb 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I grew up with 4 sisters. It's pretty damn near impossible to tell the difference. Whether they are real or not does it really matter in any situation?

You can't control how others feel.

[–]RedHoodhandles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When she cried as a little kid because she didn't get the puppet house she wanted. How much were those tears real or fake? Does it matter anyway?

Women want to feeeel. Even suffering can be enjoyed this way as she talks with her girlfriends about how she is not able to lock you down for example.

[–]Austinisfullgohome 11 points12 points  (1 child)

They could be real. But that’s not the point. (I’m telling you not all women can fake cry, if they can that’s a giant red flag. Being happy immediately after bawling could simply be lady hormones.)

Don’t be callous, but be firm. Tell her you’ve given it time but you can’t feel any true attraction for her. Give her that old, “You deserve so much better blah blah can’t keep stringing you along...” I suggest you break it off and (politely) cut contact to minimize your guilt. Don’t ghost her, but once you cut contact don’t respond if she initiates. Otherwise you’ll be right back in this same spot.

Empathy is an excellent quality; don’t ever lose it. But don’t allow yourself to make decisions based on that emotion. Empathy should provide perspective, it shouldn’t be a driving factor.

Quit spinning this one, it’s wobbling too much for you to recover.

[–]ricoue[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm afraid she'll do something stupid like cut herself or even worse. Trust me, I'm not bragging, but this woman really is in love with me.

[–]mrpthrowa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They are not fake tears.

But they are a means to an end. Girl got used, since her childhood, to bawling her eyes out to get what she wants.

[–]kellykebab 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh please. Every last woman is not a pitch perfect psychopathic actor. The girl is young and emotional. And whether she's crying for "real" or not, why should OP hang around and deal with that? This doesn't sound like a great plate candidate anyway.

[–]360_no_scope_upvote 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Can't get any truthier than this

[–]zboo1h 47 points48 points  (2 children)

Better now than never. Stop fucking her.

I did this to a girl when I was 26 and she was 19. I still keep in touch with her but the signs are clear that she sort of developed a resentment towards men after I dumped her. She always was sort of a leftie but now she's sharing tumblr posts and talking about socialism.

Better now than never - Sever.

[–]ricoue[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Are you telling me I just contributed to the rise of communism?

Shit.

[–]zielkarz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You really fucked up

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (3 children)

You aren't responsible for her sadness. You can only control you. It's up to her to control her own emotions and process them appropriately.

[–]Endorsed ContributorUEMcGill 5 points6 points  (2 children)

This. And to add to it, you then DEER'D. Defend, excused, explained, and rationalized. It says to her "I need to explain my shit, because I'm not sure."

Straight up truth next time. "yeah babe, I can't say that to you." full stop.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I've seen this "DEER'D" term lately on here. Is there somewhere with more info on the idea?

It has been explained but I haven't been able to internalize the concept.

[–]exscionewhuman 14 points15 points  (2 children)

You've let things progress too far already, if you don't see a future best to end things now. At least you didn't do what I did and try to convince yourself you can eventually love her, only to break her heart 4 years down the road.

[–]xeroblaze0 9 points10 points  (1 child)

This

He didn't respect his own boundaries of a casual relationship. And this doesn't happen overnight, there were red flag along the way; people thought they were in a relationship, their frequency, and her asking if he loved her.

Distance. Pursue other things. Or don't

[–]lol_throwaway303 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah why did he agree to see her so much if this isn’t what he wanted?

Like the above mentioned, if he had other things happening he wouldn’t be responding back so fast to slow down the frequency and create distance.

[–]1alpha-zach 34 points35 points  (21 children)

Just go beta. Start talking about your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, struggles. Lose frame. She’ll see the massive frame change and thinks she has no idea who you are. She’ll be gone before you know it. No alpha widow. She’ll think she’s too good for you.

It works like a charm. Whether it’s self sabotage or intentional.

[–]falecf4 20 points21 points  (2 children)

I laugh when people suggest this. It is no sure fire plan. The chick already is "in love" with the guy and may see all feelings and sharing as him opening up to her and committing. He would likely have to go past beta to incel stalker and even then women will sometimes put up with a lot once they have an idealized version of a guy in their heads.

[–]ricoue[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You were right, this is what happened.

[–]_the_shape_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I'm more of an advocate for ripping the bandaid off and being done with it, but if he's going to dial up the beta as a means to an end, he might as well crank up other traits that might help out his cause and have some juvenile fun in the process (ex. loudly farting in front of her and some dorky friend of her's, bombarding her with obnoxious and non-sensical jokes, leaving a massive turd behind in the toilet for her to discover, being an embarrassment in general).

In short, appeal to her sense of disgust, over and over and over and over.

[–]ricoue[S] 2 points3 points  (16 children)

Hmmm. Sounds interesting. might have to give this a try.

[–]Zanford 21 points22 points  (3 children)

you said you're in college, so DON'T do this if you have any social circle overlap with her. You don't want her giving you anti-preselection by whining to her friends about how lame you are and how she's gonna dump you.

The 'playing beta' thing works fine in a more anonymous situation tho.

[–]Yoasted 7 points8 points  (0 children)

yes OP please read this.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

College is almost about to end. We're gonna be moving away soon and the social circle is gonna collapse. The only thing that worries me is that we share a hometown, so I can't use the distance excuse to ghost her. She wants to meet up during summer break, she's already got dinner dates planned. :facepalm:

I think I broke the don't shit where you eat rule didn't I.

[–]Zanford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, that rule is more for work, due to the insane legal climate of Western workplaces. College is one of the best chick-sourcing pools of your life, so it's be quite a waste to avoid screwing coeds.

If you really want to keep seeing her you'll just have to tell her. And the 'going beta' strategy is till a terrible idea if there's any overlap.

My advice is soft ghost...one thing that has happened to me a dozen times is, a few weeks or monsters after dumping a girl, I got a jones to bang her a few more times, even if I had other current plates (Coolidge Effect, you get sick or banging the same girl, so letting one go fallow for awhile might make you fantasize about her again), so I might put a girl on a very low simmer and still booty call her later.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I can't tell if you or him or both of you are /s.

You should not do this. It will affect your social circle and affect your mindset. Manipulating someone this way seems way more Sociopatic than being straightforward about your intentions and feelings, which you have already done. Ignoring her tears is Stoic not sociopathic. Manipulating someone to do what you want because you don't know how to take their reaction is the move of a Sociopath.

[–]Ko0lGuY 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This op. Very much this. I HIGHLY recommend a hard next in this scenario. The last thing you want is this backfiring. I know it's hard to move away from someone who you have got to know well, but its the only way you can maintain frame and requires very little effort on your part.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

College is almost about to end. We're gonna be moving away soon and the social circle is gonna collapse. The only thing that worries me is that we share a hometown, so I can't use the distance excuse to ghost her. She wants to meet up during summer break, she's already got dinner dates planned. :facepalm:

I think I broke the don't shit where you eat rule didn't I.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If someone says you're a jerk for "breaking her heart" tell them you didn't care for her and ask what is worse? To rob her of the opportunity to find someone who cares for her the way she cares for them and stay with her. OR end it now so you both can move forward with your lives.

[–]Nergaal 0 points1 point  (3 children)

You can try to be a dick to her. Don't just tell her you don't love her, make her hate you. But she might hate you and most men after that. At least she will stop trying to get you.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

in my experience, being a dick to women who like you ends with them liking you even more

[–]Nergaal 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If you can convince you are an asshole that is not worth fighting for, she will move on if she has an ounce of respect. She will resent you.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

how do i do that

[–]tealstealmonkey 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Should you decide to try this approach, please give an update, once it played out. As someone who's about to swallow TRP i would really like to hear about the outcome.

[–]ricoue[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So.. I decided to meet up with her as I normally do. Talked about my feelings(for the first time). Told her I don't love her, and I feel bad that I am going to break her heart. Talked some more about my feelings.. said that I was feeling fucked up for breaking her heart because she's such a great girl, that I can't sleep, that I feel guilty, the whole deal. Managed to pull off a fake sob to show how bad I felt.

Was hoping she'd never call me again, coz that's what TRP says right? That the moment you show any weakness the woman loses tingles and leaves you?

Wrong. She looked a little fazed, but it ended with us kissing again. And the next day we had the hottest sex we've ever had so far. A couple days later, she tells me she's in love with me.

So, I guess going beta didn't work. She now wants me more than before. Oh well. I don't mind. The only thing I'm worried about is her crying rape later. Although she doesn't seem like that kind of a person but you never know. I have an audio recording of her asking me to fuck her harder so I'm good on that front. But she could still maybe cause temporary trouble for me.

Always remember: Try to record your sexual encounters if possible.

[–]tealstealmonkey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hm, interesting. She seems genuinely in love with you and, while that lasts, there probably isn't much you can do wrong to stifle that.

It's always good to play it safe. As long as the recording is legal under local law.

Thanks for the update.

[–]ricoue[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

sure

[–]Chad1738 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Who cares. She’s using her emotions to try to manipulate yours into getting what she wants. Now she made you feel guilty like a little bitch. Your mistake was making her believe that this was anything more than a casual thing. Plates are only used for sticking your dick in them. Stop with the guilt and take responsibility for your actions. Move on or ignore everything she does and just meet to fuck.

[–]iateapricklypear 5 points6 points  (5 children)

That's what happens when you use people and you have a conscience...you feel guilt. I think it can be massively damaging to some girls to treat them like that, and that it should be avoided if possible. Contrary to the general attitude around here, your conscience is telling you the same thing

[–]ricoue[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Yup. I have already made up my mind i'm never going to sleep with someone unless they've shown they're worth commitment and I have committed.

[–]Nergaal 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Don't go full swing. It might backfire if you are not careful.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

full swing what?

[–]Nergaal 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Don't force yourself to go no sex until marriage material.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i don't want to go through this shit again, I have a PhD to look forward to.

[–]redd_reality 9 points10 points  (1 child)

-told her I didn't love her -I can't sleep at night from guilt

Bro, you're definitely emotionally invested in this girl. Whole you might not call it love right now, it basically is.

And btw there is absolutely nothing wrong with emotionally investing, just make sure you're always keeping TRP fresh in the FRONT of your mind while enjoying the experience. plates always break.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not possible, I'm pretty sure I feel no LTR-attraction towards her. We're in this only because she came straight out and asked me out. Not even once have I told her that I love her, every times she asks I tell her no.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She is not entitled to your time. Just because her short term emotional well being is dependent on you, does not mean she is entitled to you or that you should feel guilty for living your life how you want to live it. She will get over it.

[–]Cmdrj-nice 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The waterworks work

[–]Zanford 2 points3 points  (0 children)

BDSM and maid roleplay.

Seriously. If you have a girl who's more into you than you are into her, you should parlay that into getting what you want out of the relationship, whatever that may be. She can blow you while you read, she can dress up as a French maid and clean your place, then present herself and beg for anal. Whatever you can think of that you might like with this girl, just go for it; worst case scenario she's not down for it and then you have a more concrete reason for breaking things off with her. Not that you need one of course. You shouldn't feel guilty here and you don't owe her an explanation. I'm just saying that before you cut her loose, make sure you've got everything you want and fully capitalized on the attraction you've built up.

As for your guilt, remember that she's knowingly guilt tripping you, and if the show were on the other foot (a hotter, higher status guy came along) she'd branch swing in a heartbeat.

[–]nofilmynofucky 4 points5 points  (2 children)

You best be real fuckin careful no matter what you choose, because this shit has 'upcoming metoo accusation' written aaaaaaaall over it

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

fuck

I've saved screenshots of conversations and even secretly recorded some calls so that shouldn't be a problem, should it? If she ever decides to go public I can just show people her texts asking me for it.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A. Stop being a pussy.

B. Go fuck other girls.

[–]lookoutitscaleb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There was a woman I was dating that emotionally abused me, manipulated me, and controlled most every aspect of my life.

After I broke up with her she went to everyone of my friends and family members that she met to tell them I was a sociopath and needed professional help etc etc.

This led me to TRP.

After breaking up with her and maintaining frame she broke down and cried multiple times. I kept giving her the time of day because I was in love with the image of her I created in my head. Hoping she could change. Fact of the matter she didn't love me she liked the emotional sponge I was, the things I did for her, and that she could control someone gave her a rush.

I fucked up and let the tears get to me. Allowed her back into my life little by little. We banged after the break up and she cried saying "idk how we can have such beautiful spiritual emotional sex and you just NOT LOVE me; you obviously don't love me if you are willing to break up with me"

Me doing that gave her more power over me and made the healing process, and moving forward take much longer than needed.

Be a man, quit playing with your food, and throwing a tantrum. Life hurts, if you can't push through the pain you will be stuck there, because that's all you deserve.

Success isn't given it's taken.

[–]Herdsengineers 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree with others. You need to let this one go if there's no LTR with her for you. It will only get worse the longer you let it continue. So steel yourself, you already feel guilty. Letting her go is gonna hurt her. But not letting her go is gonna hurt her worse later.

It's an unfortunate side effect of spinning plates. They get attached, you don't, and presto. One thing to remember is people are responsible for themselves. You aren't responsible to protect her from getting hurt in the world of dating. That's her job. At the same time, it's honestly good to hear you have heart. Most of us aren't the dark triad types that truly give no shits.

Our actions impact other people. Having compassion for others and keeping ourselves in check so how we impact others isn't hurtful is honestly the definition of being a decent human being. The lesson for the future is be cognizant and if she's catching feelings more than you, end things quickly and move on. As I said above, she'll hurt, but not as bad as if you wait and it happens later.

[–]PhantomNishobrah 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Why not just be honest with her? Don't lead her on it'll only make things worse.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess the possibility of low-cost sex swayed my decision.

[–]Yozki 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Picture the amount of shit she'd give if the situation was reversed, and know that she will in fact do that to many beta men over the years.

[–]swishandswallow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can't have it both ways, either you believe in red pill or you don't. Either she's a woman that sees man with high value and is attaching herself to him or you led her on and now have you be careful with her feelings since she's in love with you. You as a human aren't responsible for other people's feelings.

[–]Moreofmore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Emotional manipulation only gets worse. If it’s this bad now it will seriously get worse. You better cut ties entirely. She’s already gotten in your head. You mentioned “tried” several times. This is a classic sign and it won’t stop there

[–]Bear-With-Bit 1 point2 points  (2 children)

You have little to no boundary discipline. She didn't get to this from nowhere. You probably spent too much non-sexual time together, and maybe even communicating/texting with her about things that isn't planning for the next sex meet-up.

I think the biggest mistake is you found trp, read some of the sidebar material, and exercised almost none of the discipline. For some dudes it's better to have not waken so early, go through the beta mistakes in their 20s, and then realize something is wrong.

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You're right, but how could have I not? We weren't just fuck buddies, we're in the same class We naturally talked about assignments, exams, jobs and stuff.

[–]Bear-With-Bit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're a student. Apply some critical analysis, problem solving. Here's a simple tip: "Allright, I gotta go now." Use that line liberally when you're with a girl, post-sex.

[–]aaaGreg 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Feels good to be wanted so badly. (Am I the only sociopath on here who starts fights for the makeup sex?) After a few rounds of what you described, the rush will have tapered down noticeably and you will care less about the outcome and more about the real reasons why you want to breakup. Write those reasons down in Notes on your phone in case you need it after the real breakup happens.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It definitely feels good to be wanted badly, but if you start drama on purpose you have too much free time

[–]-StupidFace- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am with this woman who is madly in love with me, but I have no intention of committing to her.

you know what to not do again.

[–]beginner_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Now you feel guilt, in couple years you will burst out laughing when they do this shit.

Either ignore it or end it if you cant' take the guilt. For sure do not commit.

[–]OfficerWade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bro. I want you to listen to me. I know how you feel. I felt the same way. And I found out AWALT.

[–]Jack9201 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't owe her or anyone in this world anything

[–]StinkyDiaper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look at it this way - if you commited to her, fully and completely, there's probably a 50% or more chance that she'd get bored, and she would be the one dumping you.

At least the power is in your hands, here.

[–]stylesm11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't let yourself be with someone just cause you feel sorry for them

[–]Terdmuffin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wait until this girl who is so madly in love with you dumps you for another guy who's willing to commit.... If you keep seeing her without committing this will eventually happen.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

how long have you been dating her, and did you tell her what you were interested in from the beginning?

[–]ricoue[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never told her i'm interested.

3 months

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem as I see it is you're a phaggot who literally allowed a pushy bimbo to cry her way into making her your girlfriend.

In your defense, you hadn't witnessed the "waterworks" trick before, AKA crocodile tears.

HARD NEXT. Block contact.

Do it over the phone if you need to.

Be sure to go out all that evening in case she goes batshit and shows up at your door.

Meanwhile, read up on relationships with borderlines.

[–]GeeMunz11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, I'm reading your responses and you're so dead wrong. First of all, she will get over it. You clearly don't want to be in this relationship and it's going to impact future ones. The easier you let this girl down, the better. "it's not working out, we want different things. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as you, and so do I".

Boom, problem solved. After that, if she cries or tries to message you, just say that you're sorry you hurt her, but it isn't healthy to keep communicating with each other. Make sure she's got a friend or someone who can look after her so that she doesn't do something really stupid. I'm assuming you have enough mutual friends that you could give someone else a heads up.

[–]cootershooter420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

bro you think she hasnt done this same shit to a million other guys? just be a fucking dog