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Why am I made to feel as though her orgasm is my responsibilty? (self.asktrp)

submitted by hivemond

I already posted this question in r /sex, read it's replies here That's a somewhat mainstream (not-so-RP) audience. Now I want to get the RP perspective. I'll cut & paste the question exactly as it was, here goes...

Very often, with the various GF's I've had over the years, I get this feeling that if I don't make her orgasm, I'm no good. Note my choice of words, I didn't say "if she doesn't have an orgasm" I said "if I don't make her orgasm". It's as if I have to be the one to make it happen, and she can't do it via her own effort when she's with me..... Meanwhile, 99% of my own orgasms are the result of my own thrusting effort, with the exception of the occasional BJ or skilled cowgirl.

I would guess that 95% of the women who have orgasmed while having sex with me was the result of my effort. Either I brought her there with my fingers (non PIV) or spent a lot of time banging her clitorus with my public bone area during (PIV) missionary position. Only one girl I've been with was really good at riding on top and rubbing her clit against me as she rode (and orgasmed), and one actually reached down and fingered/masturbated herself to orgasm as I was doing her PIV missionary style.

Once a woman said to me something like "why did you get to come and I didn't?". to which I replied "why didn't you at least move your hips instead of just laying there?" That relationship didn't last long.

So why am I made to feel as though her orgasm is my responsibilty?


[–]wifeisbiorgay 114 points115 points  (46 children)

To be a man is to perform. If you were a gay man you would have a decent argument that you only need to put in as much effort as your partner. If you want to have sex with women, you will realize that here, and in many other areas, you will work harder than she does. In general, her sexual availability is worth vastly more than yours. You make up for that gap in other ways, including in the performance of sex acts. It's just the way of the world, brother. Do not expect sympathy from women on this point. They tend to see themselves as overcoming, rather than benefiting from, gender norms. It's an ego-preserving narrative.

That said, if your SMV is sufficiently high, then a woman will move heaven and earth to make you cum and expect little in return. She will also herself cum from your slightest touch. As usual, improve yourself and your frustration will dissolve.

[–]hivemond[S] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Thanks, all good points.

if your SMV is sufficiently high, then a woman will move heaven and earth to make you cum and expect little in return.

And yes (on this specific point) I have to keep reminding this to myself (among many other things) as part of the motivation to continue to keep improving myself.

[–]Ramesses_ 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah unfortunately life isn't a race to fairness and that's the biggest red pill of all. Life isn't fair, we aren't all equal. This is your lot in life being born a man: you shoulder the load.

That guy is right though, the higher your SMV the easier everything gets. When you get to the top women fall all over themselves to impress you and keep you happy, including sexually. If you're not there yet the that's ok, keep going or date well below your current SMV and you'll quickly see what I mean.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You make up for that gap in other ways, including in the performance of sex acts

No.... you are higher value than her.

Men don't order women around enough. She needs to be lead and she needs to be told what to do, but that doesn't mean you do all the work. Basically you delegate a lot of the effort so that you both have a good time.

That said, if your SMV is sufficiently high, then a woman will move heaven and earth to make you cum and expect little in return. She will also herself cum from your slightest touch. As usual, improve yourself and your frustration will dissolve.

Absolutely this.

[–]cobalt1728 3 points4 points  (39 children)

I have ED, you can look at my post history if you want.

But this issue literally drove me to almost put a loaded gun in my mouth.

The pressure placed on me is fucking bullshit.

[–]Killing__Time_ 1 point2 points  (33 children)

Woah woah. Did you try to take pills? If ED is making you consider the worst, I am afraid it isn't the ED that's the issue.

[–]cobalt1728 -2 points-1 points  (32 children)

What?

[–]Killing__Time_ 4 points5 points  (31 children)

"The model predicts that performance anxiety constitutes a strong predictor of erectile dysfunction. Masters and Johnson (1970) suggested that anxiety about sexual performance was the most important immediate cause of sexual dysfunction. One study found performance anxiety to be the main predictor of erectile dysfunction as well as other aspects of sexual dysfunction including orgasm and desire, even after controlling several factors such as lifestyle and relationship dynamics (McCabe 2005). Other studies produced similar results (Liu 2002; Loudon 1998; Shires and Miller 1998). In general, it is agreed that in young males, erectile dysfunction is mostly due to a psychogenic etiology such as anxiety, with biological causes becoming increasingly more important with age such that older men have more biological causes and younger men have more psychogenic causes (Caskurulu et al. 2004)."

"This evidence indicates that in ancestral human societies mate choice was regulated and evolutionary pressures on men to sexually satisfy their partners had been much weaker than they are now in post-industrial societies (Apostolou 2014). This makes the high prevalence of sexual dysfunctions in men in the latter societies much less puzzling."

Link to article: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-015-0026-4

None of it is my research. General take away: ED is a new problem, because back in the day it was not considered a problem: women did not have a choice in their mate, relative to modern woman. Because the factor of choice plays such a key role, so does sexual prowess and the ability to satisfy the female to ensure longer sexual relationship.

ED is also psychological, arising from performance anxiety, depending on how old you are. If you are older, scientific reports suggest that ED is encouraged by the human biology to ensure that lower quality sperm does not end up in the gene pool (swimmers degrade with age).

So, Lift, BJJ.

[–]Tuplad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

BJJ

immediately approve this post

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (29 children)

So becasue I have ED, I have shit genetics amd should not have kids? Alao why does ot make a dofference if I am older?

I already lift hard.

[–]Killing__Time_ 2 points3 points  (28 children)

Well, if you have ED, it is not necessarily because you have shit genetics. It is because you have performance anxiety.

Brother, I suffered from ED as well as PE. And then ED and PE were gone and replaced by an utter inability to finish so, to my partners delights, I could go on forever (mind you, hours), but it did nothing for me (although it was a graciously accepted problem to have).

Eventually I learnt to ease into it. My strategy was to not worry about pleasing someone else, and just focus on appreciating the moment.

BJJ teaches you exactly that: to be in the moment.

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Brazilian ju jitsu?

[–]clausternn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yessir

[–]clausternn 0 points1 point  (25 children)

Brother, I suffered from ED as well as PE

Aren't they polar opposites? Haha.

I've suffered from PIED as well (PI means porn induced). It's been a long long time since I've masturbated to porn so I'm hoping it's gone, but I guess I won't find out until I have sex with a new girl.

[–]Killing__Time_ 1 point2 points  (19 children)

Yep they are the opposites. I quit jacking off to get rid of ED, which worked but it led to PE, since that's how it usually goes.

[–]clausternn 0 points1 point  (18 children)

Ahh I gotcha. I've been having premature *wanting to cum* the last few times. But then I would just stop fucking her and do other stuff that didn't involve my penis, until she felt like putting him back in. Thankfully that's been working for me.

Last time though when my girl gave a quick blowjob with no intention of fucking, so that there was no reason for me to delay cumming, I'm pretty sure I came in less than 2 minutes.

[–]cobalt1728 1 point2 points  (4 children)

I need help with quitting porn. I am addicted. I get cravings so bad and I end up relapsing.

What can I do?

[–]Bigbighero99 0 points1 point  (2 children)

What I noticed for myself is when I decide to fast. No water, no food, no technology for 24 hours my urges decreased significantly and do not come back unless I rexpose myself to anything pornographic. It's one of the only things that have helped me. The fasting seems to act like a mental circuit breaker.

[–]clausternn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was on the same boat as you.

I'm pretty sure I tried literally 5 times to quit porn. Relapsed 4 times and went back to doing it.

What sealed the deal for me is the girl that I loved broke up with me, and porn was somewhat to blame. I was so disgusted with the way porn decided the course of my life, that I quit and never masturbated to it again since 4/12/2017. TRP calls it oneitis, that's fine, But that oneitis had a positive effect on me after all.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry but you may just need to wait until your addiction influences your life in a massively negative way, like it did for me, before you manage to quit porn for good.

[–]DVidojkovic 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Erectile dysfunction?

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (3 children)

....yes

[–]DVidojkovic 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I ejaculate prematurely, but it didn't really matter too much. I stuck my cock inside, found out that it's not that good(fucked my ex oneitis btw, yikes)came in 10 fucking seconds lmao

But I didn't really give a shit about it, cus I cut ties with this girl and a week later of giving no attention to her she gives me her clitoris - she was tipsy and I was lucky. But even if something similar to this didn't happen to any of your situations, you still shouldn't care about the opposite partner.

Just make sure you try and eventually fix the problem. There are a lot of exercises you can do to make sure you don't ejaculate prematurely. At the end of the day, if you still haven't gotten a hold of the problem and you happen to fuck a girl and you ejaculate prematurely, compliment her body with a low tone(sexy talk or w/e)and the premature ejaculation will go over her head, she'll forget about it for the time being, or it wouldn't really be a problem for her.

EDIT: Misread erectile dysfunction for premature ejaculation for some reason.

[–]cobalt1728 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Premature ejaculation isnt too much of a problem for me.

When I take 100mg viagra, I can fuck like normal.

Without it, I have ed and pe. I am really tryong to stop jerking off and lookong at porn but I keep relapsing because I get FUCKING HORNY.

[–]DVidojkovic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't taken a viagra, and don't plan on ever taking one.

So get a hobby, or follow this thread once you have the urge to wank.

https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/9gugrb/when_the_urge_hits/

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also want to say its such bullshit that women get to reject their social norms but double down on mens. Bullshit.

[–]jackandjill22 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Lol

[–]Red90210 25 points26 points  (7 children)

We are victims of our own philosophy. We say the man should be the alpha leader. Then the women expect us to do all the driving. I remember kissing a girl one time and she literally just sat there with her mouth open.

[–]HurricaneHugues 80 points81 points  (3 children)

" I remember kissing a girl one time and she literally just sat there with her mouth open."

Youre not supposed to do that at the morgue.

[–]Red90210 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Oh am I not supposed to do that??? 🤷‍♂️

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So how was it?

[–]Youngyoda89 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think he’s talking about a blow up doll.

[–]hivemond[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

We are victims of our own philosophy. We say the man should be the alpha leader. Then the women expect us to do all the driving.

One guy over in the r /sex thread used a similar metaphor that because I'm the man driving the car I'm supposed to get everyone to the destination.

There's reply that also came in late to that thread where a guy commented on the girl that pitched in and helped herself ... she's the MVP. (I genuinely wouldn't mind being with her again, she was phenominal in bed)

[–]ForeverNandrolone 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Direct the girl to finger her clit. She gets to cum and you get the credit because you controlled the action.

[–]DVidojkovic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should've guided her through on what to do. I remember back in elementary school(I'm in HS now)there were these two people, the one didn't know what to do during the makeout or how to do it and the other guided him through it.

So the partner guided the opposite person, so that the guider would enjoy it more and not just experience the nothingness in the opposite person and then bad mouth him for his retarded way of making out.

If you want something, ask for it. Don't always expect the person you're interacting with to know what to do or what you're thinking.

[–]HurricaneHugues 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Dont feel bad about it. Dave Chappelle said it best: https://youtu.be/bBg8TW49GgY

[–]MrAnderzon 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Don't get mad at me because I have different goals in sex.

I'm a speed fucker

[–]cobalt1728 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Fuck girls that just lie there. I had a girl tell me I was worthless because she thought the sex was bad. Fuck that stupid Cunt.

There is more pressure on us, NO DOUBT. But girls also need to put in the work. A girl should ALWAYS help give you a blowjob or at least a handjob to get you hard to have sex if you aren't already.

I had another girl say "I don't do that" And then I said "Well I am not hard so what am I supposed to do?" She just grabbed her things and left.

Stop going on tinder. Dump a chick ASAP, even if shes a plate if she pulls this shit.

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad to see the upvotes

[–]MisterRoid 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I recommend you to stop caring. Women are often turned off if you try too hard to get them off. It comes across as beta. Sex is mental as well as physical.

[–]omega_dawg93 9 points10 points  (0 children)

first of all, most women don't take the time to learn their own bodies and what it takes to get them off.

I've had to show and teach several women about their own anatomy... how to get themselves off... gave them their first toy etc.

in the bed, you have to be the director of the porn movie, lead actor, producer etc. give her stern but respectful direction... position her how you want her and use her for your pleasure.

most women, if they are into you, will take pleasure in just pleasing you... making their own orgasms a second thought.

my mo is to get them off first with tongue, fingers, toys etc. then i literally make her my human toy and totally dominate her. take the lead.

[–]NeverTrustOp 6 points7 points  (1 child)

My favorite are the dancers. The girls gyrating all over the dance floor that can speed up and slow it down, twerk etc. Basically all the sexy stuff we like seeing. But 98% of all of those girls that move all sexy like Shakira just lay there on their backs/stomachs and expect you to do all the work.

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would rather jack off

[–]AmazonAlphaMale 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If she can’t cum by riding you don’t worry about it

[–]02537-41101 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A lot of women can’t make that happen for themselves. Don’t think you’re obligated to do so without as much of a guise of instruction.

[–]Izakthegreat23 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I suggest you read the sex god method, that book teaches that sex is about emotion over stimulation and a lot of good techniques as well

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–]hivemond[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah, I agree with the top post here. Also, for you or anyone else who was able to read that other thread, I'm curious what anyone thinks of the not-so-RP responses there? I noticed several replioes said something like "It's the responsibility of both parties to make the other come" but I notice that NOBODY here in asktrp is saying that.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Why am I made to feel as though her orgasm is my responsibilty?

Because women make EVERYTHING your responsibility. They externalise blame (usually to men) and absolve themselves of responsibility.

The research suggests that the most important thing in bed is that she sees you as high value and attractive. Her orgasm is less important to her having a good time than that. In other words she'd sooner have Jonny Depp prematurely ejaculate in her than a hobo licking her into a frenzy.

Her orgasm is mostly her responsibility. If she's putting too much pressure on you (likely you're putting it on yourself), deny her orgasm a few times and just enjoy yourself. Tell her you're doing this. If she loves it you're in the Jonny Depp camp. If she dumps you, you were in the hobo camp. Good result either way.

[–]hivemond[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

They externalise blame (usually to men) and absolve themselves of responsibility.

Every guy here should know this cold. I've seen accidents happen (like an object falling off a shelf) and the first word out of a woman's mouth is something like "I didn't do that/it's not my fault". It's like an instinct.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's like an instinct

It's absolutely an instinct, it goes right through their entire psyche. From their sexual relations through their friendships to how they act i the job marketplace: all of their actions are entirely geared towards absolving themselves of any responsibility.

[–]mrpoopistan 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Needs more hair pulling.

You're welcome.

[–]shubhidoobi 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And butt slapping.

[–]mrpoopistan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A little ass slapping is okay, but the real act is grabbing her by the hair and pushing her face into the bed, a pillow, a table, the wall or whatever the hell is closest.

[–]wawakaka 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We've been programmed to focus on pleasing women. Almost every porno is about female satisfaction. some guy breaking his back so some girl can seizure into an orgasm. Most magazines push the same narrative. there was even a Seinfeld episode about it.

its all about female empowerment and a lot women will blame you if they can't come and try to make you feel like a failure.

but your biological job is to drop a load in her and not worry about if she comes.

things are different if you are in a relationship or if you wanna keep seeing her you are gonna wanna please her to keep her coming back.

[–]1morescoobysnacks 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If sex was just thrusting in silence, I'd stop doing pickup. No clue how all these comments are about that. If you aren't choking, pulling hair, dominating physically in 100 different ways, you're missing a huge piece. If you aren't getting in their head talking shit, you're missing the other huge piece. One thing that I do a lot is that I start going off about babies... telling them they're going to have my babies (if it's a dark skinned chick, mixed babies). On and on. Then I tell them to tell me what they want until they say they want to have my babies. Then I tell them I'm going to leave them and impregnate another girl and they'll both raise my kids together and I make them tell me that's what they want. All while fucking them hard, fingering their ass, whatever. Basically I turn cave man/RP theory/hypergamous shit into dirty talk. When it lands, the orgasms don't stop. Had so many girls tell me they never in a million years thought that'd turn them on. Then just typical shit, degrading them, their careers and goals and college degrees are dog shit, they're just holes, make them say it back to me, all this stuff. I've made girls cum while crying many times with that.

All of this is great once you get comfortable with it, but until then it causes performance anxiety and makes sex suck. Just another thing you have to suffer through for the gains.

[–]mrHappyPotatoe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Entitlement.

[–]3nebder 1 point2 points  (0 children)

read sex god method & apply it

[–]room_303 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Because you can't choose the size of your penis, it feels like it's your problem if SHE doesn't orgasm with her body, though it's a high probability that most females need to have sex with many men before she finds one large enough to cause an orgasm (which is why many ride the CC) so they use oral and fingers to get off etc.

[–]cobalt1728 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Its all about size then?

[–]room_303 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Yes, but more finding girls before they realize there is guys bigger than average. You don't to fuck a girl who just came off 1 year of fucking and sucking the biggest any of her and her friends have seen.

Try and find a virgin who is yet to know better.

Or a chick without a huge vagina.

[–]cobalt1728 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry man, but you sound like a dude from the incel arena, girlsndont care about dock size unless is majorly small like micopenis status .

Tldr, youre full of shit

[–]FwoGiZ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man this guy is making fun of you and you bit. You are sooo far off the truth but whatever now we all know you have a little to avg size dicka t best lol

[–]rednailz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can use her pussy/mouth to orgasm but she can't use your mouth/fingers/cock?

Your role is almost always active and hers is passive. She gets fucked and you do the fucking. So make her cum you selfish twat.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Brother, I'll gladly take that responsibility from you.

You think being good at sex isn't your business..... don't be surprised if you're bad at sex.

[–]Scriptopeia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would you rather have a starfish or someone who fucks you until you can't hold it in any longer?

[–]JW_2 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So a woman shouldn’t try to make you cum, OP?

[–]Scriptopeia 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The reality is, that most woman have no fucking clue. They think of themselves as being good as sex by making a guy cum.

This is often used as a measurement: "I can make him cum, but not the other way around, so I must be good at sex and he sucks".

We all know it's much easier for a man to orgasm. Problem is that this makes girls think they did a good job while it really didn't matter what they did. We just put it in how it feels best for us. Basically using their hole to make ourselves orgasm.

I always expected so much from myself and beat myself hard when things didn't go as expected. Then it hit me:"Why the fuck is it ONLY my responsibility whether sex is good or not?"

The experience with my last girl, well she was a fucking beginner (literally) and had the audacity to sometimes make derogative comments as if it was only my job. I want someone that fucks me until I can't hold it in any longer. Not someone I use to masturbate into their hole with.

[–]ht2k9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Men getting horny is like a switch, on and off. But women are driven by the guy she is with, it's a man job to get her horny, like kino and high smv...

Then you will need her cum because it's your job, again, it's how it is.

For me that how it should be, because men lead and women follow, simple as that, I try to improve at sex every time I get the chance, reading books and all. Always improve your self, trp my friend.

[–]graffix13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just another double standard.

Why is it a man's responsibility to get a girl wet, however it's NOT a woman's responsibility to get (and keep) a man's dick hard? Again, that falls upon the man for some reason.

Men are laughed and mocked for going limp. But in 90% of the time, it's a direct result of what the female is NOT doing.

[–]a_crapybara 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Feminine imperative. Don't concern yourself with pillow princesses. Women who are good in bed don't have these problems or say such things. It's also why I've stopped eating pussy for the sake of getting women off; only generous women get the extra effort.

[–]Bing_Bang_Bam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fuck that. Make yourself cum and have the best time possible.. Anything else is icing on the cake

[–]StrifePrevails 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because, most of the time, it is. Men are seen as the more dominant sex and have to lead in everything. Personally, idgaf if she orgasms or not but don't expect there to be some sort of "equal effort".

My only advice is care less

[–]lookoutitscaleb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't really care too much about the why's of shit anymore.

Like I don't really care why she loves a masculine man. I care that she does and how do I use that information to optimize my experience.

For me I love to make a woman cum. It tends to be rather easy for me since I have a rather high SMV and when I allow a woman into my space she has already put forth effort. I usually can't cum until she tbh. Once she gets into it starts to bring me back down and enable myself to release. Makes the sex pretty great on both sides. That being said I don't fuck all the time. I'm too busy to go out and get pussy so I just do my thing and pick it when I feel like it. Even blowjobs don't really do it for me.

TO sum up. I like to be in control, I like knowing I have power over her, and making her feel good. Doing that is what gets me off not just a warm vagina. Also what u/wifeisbiorgay had an excellent point. Work on yourself and your SMV.