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A question for the experienced: what was the best thing you did to change the dynamics in your (current or past) LTR in your favor. (self.asktrp)

submitted by Endorsed Contributorseattleron

We get so many questions, on almost a daily basis, from guys in shitty LTR's. Every situation is different, so what are some specific things you did that helped the dynamic in your LTR whether current or past? Might help answer the many questions we get every day.

Here are a few of mine:

  • An old LTR (when I first discovered TRP) always wanted an emotional argument. I went from arguing and yelling back pre TRP, to just calmly defending myself when I was a noob, to utter and completely ignoring it. No words other than, "If you're going to continue to act like a child, you can leave." After she played the "I'll leave, I will go!" game, expecting me to chase her down, and I didn't. She came back crying and never did it again. At the time it was pretty damn mind blowing to me just how well stoicism worked to crack her frame when she realized I was not going to be controlled.

Little things I did:

  • Do not comment on her social media pictures, and maybe "like" one of every 3 of them. Allow her orbiters to do the ass kissing. Every gf I have says, "Why don't you ever comment on my pics and tell me I'm pretty?" My response is usually something like: "I'd rather show you how hot I thinK you are in person by fucking you good." Then slap her ass.

  • Never seriously respond to a mention of an ex bf and what he did, a thirsty guy messaging her, or someone who flirted with her at work. If she's telling you about it there's a 90% chance it's just for a reaction. So either don't respond, or say, "You need some suggestions on a first date? I know of a few places." With a smirk.

  • Once in awhile allow some dread come into her hamster to reset things. Once, years ago when I worked with a lot of college aged women, I went to the store and bought an easter basket and filled it with "homemade" cookies, candy, and a note that just had a smiley face on it. My LTR at the time was getting a little too bullish for me. When she came over that night and saw the basket she asked who gave it to me and I just said, "I honestly don't know, it was on my desk at work when I came back from lunch." Fucked the shit out of me that night and seriously she was like in the new relationship phase with me for the next month. I wouldn't do that now because my LTR's are much better now than they used to be and I don't need to do that kind of stuff, but it worked to a fucking T.

Give some examples of things you did/do in your current or past LTR that helped the dynamic in your favor, and be sure to post how her behavior changed.


[–]SpinPlates 39 points40 points  (5 children)

It sounds dumb and obviously but nothing works better than being in shape having other options besides her.

Train. Like. A. Demon.

[–]zboo1h 29 points30 points  (3 children)

I love it when my girl voices her concern about how big I'm getting, and reminds me how she "doesn't like" buff dudes. Yeah right, honey, you don't like competition.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah right, honey, you don't like competition.

Lol - don't let the secret out!

[–]TheBlackAlistar 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My ex gf said the same thing, at the time I never worked out. She said she was usually into the jock types, but I was a special case lol.

[–]THEN1NJA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not gonna lie I fell for that one a few years ago smh 🤦🏾‍♂️

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Not dumb at all. It makes them worry much, much more.

[–]1DonaldBaelish 18 points19 points  (4 children)

Something vital is how you started the relationship.

If you were alpha in the beginning and slowly gave away your power , helping the whole relationship get back on track is rarely difficult. She fell in love with her patriarch who gave her shit to do and loved him for it. He made her feel feminine. And when things go downhill and the lad eventually discovers the manosphere.. The Drunk Captain just got sober. And we are back on track.

If you started beta , changing the dynamic will be a pain in the ass. She won't listen to you. She will shit test you brutally and you need harcore frame.

Honestly, I dated a psycho for a year. I started beta. After half the relationship , sex died and I immediately found TRP. Lucky! What helped me the most was The 12 Levels of Dread..and the shit-test acing skill of course. After level 6 , we started having sex daily again. But she knew all my weaknesses and insecurities. So I said fuck it , I want a RP relationship. So I cut her off. Tears , gaslighting , the whole town "understood" what a "player" I am , how I beat women and how I cheat. Ouch. Luckily , not too many people believed her lies.

Right now I am in a LTR again. Started red and still going HARD CORE RED. I enjoy giving orders left and right. I enjoy her feminine energy. I enjoy being an oak. I enjoy having sex everytime we meet. All I needed was a year of reading TRP/MRP , re-doing the sidebar a few times , going crazy on IM's blog , going psycho on all EC and Vanguard posts.

Oh and I also enjoy deadlifting 400lbs. Life is what you make it.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The 12 Levels of Dread..and the shit-test acing skill of course. After level 6 , we started having sex daily again.

Give us some specifics on what you did exactly for the 12 levels of dread.

[–]pridebrah 2 points3 points  (1 child)

going psycho on all EC and Vanguard posts.

Half awake right now, but these aren't ringing a bell. EC = ?

[–]1v1mebruh 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Users with the flair endorsed contributor or trp vanguard. Means they know wtf they're talking about

[–]PurpleDrank88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Piece of advice from personal experience. If a woman ever starts lying and telling people you abused her, get a lawyer immediately and file a cease and desist letter. usually that is sufficient, but if it isn't I'd even go so far as to file a lawsuit against her. That can be enough to leverage them into agreeing to a formal legal settlement where they have to stfu and then you just drop the case without incurring too much in the way of legal expenses.

Lies like that can seriously damage your life so I wouldn't just overlook them.

[–]MentORPHEUS 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Lead by example, not by talking. I used to babble on about relationship issues, when this is really the woman's prerogative. Lead by example and she'll follow. Lead by talking, and she'll try to behave as an equal, treat the discussion as a debate, and be unhappy with the outcome and lose attraction.

Seriously, STFU! The effectiveness of leading your woman by example and doing instead of talking cannot be overstated.

Correctly identify shit and comfort tests, pass them as appropriate. You almost can't be too harsh batting away shit tests, but titrating your Alpha carefully with the right amount of comfort/provisioning traits is a critical ingredient for LTR felicity.

Learn the levels of Dread and use the lowest level necessary, intermittently and unpredictably. Passive, organic dread works wonders. Blatantly hitting on the waitress in front of her works against you, in BOTH women's minds.

Intermittent reward pattern I'm naturally generous, but no matter how quality the partner, it's human nature to take for granted what comes easily.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Correctly identify shit and comfort tests, pass them as appropriate. You almost can't be too harsh batting away shit tests, but titrating your Alpha carefully with the right amount of comfort/provisioning traits is a critical ingredient for LTR felicity.

Honestly, I wish someone would make a long post, or a series of posts, about deciphering between shit tests and comfort tests and how to give your woman the right amounts of comfort. It's extremely difficult for beginners to know the difference, and a lot of relationships for new guys go to shit when they don't know how to give comfort.

/u/mentORPHEUS would you be willing to do so? I think it would be invaluable.

Passive, organic dread works wonders.

Agreed! Please post some examples! This is the kind of info I was envisioning for the thread.

Intermittent reward pattern I'm naturally generous, but no matter how quality the partner, it's human nature to take for granted what comes easily.

Skittles man. Skittles man all day, every day.

[–]RedWagonChronicles 23 points24 points  (2 children)

STFU and lifting. Those two things are the base you build everything on.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So true on so many levels.

[–]FrameWalker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Amen

[–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 7 points8 points  (2 children)

These three things are all pretty much related. Even the same thing in many cases. 1) Have boundaries; 2) Don't fight or argue; 3) Pass shit tests.

[–]Acquin 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Not fighting seemed to work against me. I never argued with my ex LTR; always calling her out on her shit. My dick was sucked more towards then end of the relationship. I had dread going on too. She then all of a sudden one day "stopped having feelings for me". To be honest I need a guide on how to provide enough drama for them to stay, but not enough to lose frame and look like a twat.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She probably needed comfort.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I broke up with her

[–]1v1mebruh 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lmao tru

[–]Kommanderdude 13 points14 points  (5 children)

I will add. That right after we became exclusive my ltr would joke about downloading tinder or seeing another guy on the nights I was working ( was working two nights a week and still am for 3 more weeks). I always responded with a smile and said as long as he wraps it, because I don't want any std's. She would respond with seriously!? You know you would be upset if I was doing that. I responded with " I really don't give two shits what you do. This made her visibly flustered. She did this about once a week for a month then stopped. I also respond with " have fun" when she tells me she's going out with friends. That's it I don't ask questions. It's like the more I don't give a fuck the more she tells me all her plans and gives me check ins unsolicited. I also get texts from her on the nights I work saying she misses me and wishes I was there and wants me to come over after work. I rarely do.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

I really don't give two shits what you do. This made her visibly flustered.

I'd watch overplaying that. If she needs comfort that isn't a good thing to say. For a shit test though, perfect response.

[–]Kommanderdude 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I've only said that exact line like 2 or 3 times when she was shit testing me about it after we became exclusive. Hasn't come up in like 6 months.

[–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well done, then.

[–]Vitamin_Red 2 points3 points  (1 child)

What if she really did fuck some other guy? Would you care?

[–]Kommanderdude -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Honestly no. As long as we were on the same page about having an open relationship. If she did it now with us being exclusive.... it would be a hard next for breach of trust.

[–]Forcetobereckonedwit 6 points7 points  (6 children)

After putting up with her histrionics and inconsiderate crap for way too long (pre RP me) I stopped being baited into arguments with her (that she would start. Big surprise , right?) and started telling her I didn't like the way she treated me. Then she would pull the leaving thing and I would say "fine, we're done" and walk away. She always came back trying to improve. I finally had enough and told her not to bother me anymore.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Ditto here. It's rough 'cuz I have deep feelings for her, BUT, I also have deep feelings for myself and her behavior was not changing and I knew it never would.

    [–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    So what was her reaction the last time when you said not to bother you any more?

    [–]Forcetobereckonedwit 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I had to hang up on her. She was blathering on about how insensitive I was being, how unfair I was to her, and the tears were flowing. This is all on the phone, mind you.

    She was (is) a world class manipulator with some serious histrionic, abandonment and narcissistic behavior issues. (I know, I know...I got the feelz for her a year ago and of course that was when shit started to go south)

    I'm sure I haven't heard the last from her. She's tenacious, I'll give'er that.

    [–]1v1mebruh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I'm sure I haven't heard the last from her. She's tenacious, I'll give'er that

    Shit man tell me about it. Bpd girls are a pain in the ass to shake off

    [–]Noshamina 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Whaaaaaa you were dating my ex?!? I knew it !!

    [–]Endorsed Contributortepper2 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I'm in my 30s and my LTR is in her late 20s. We've been together for about a year and a half.

    Give some examples of things you did/do in your current or past LTR that helped the dynamic in your favor, and be sure to post how her behavior changed.

    I don't tolerate childish behavior. If we can't talk like adults, then the conversation is over. I haven't had this discussion more than once.

    She's not big on social media, never was before we got together. When she is, she invokes me. I take this as a win.

    She doesn't talk about exes. I don't care to hear it and we've established that they were all losers. Literally. We're talking electronics manager at Best Buy.

    I dread her as a matter of principle because she's a good Christian girl and she believes that I have played a number of fields. I've never given her more than a few of the tamest stories in my history.

    Business did well in 2016. I took her on a vacation and immediately hit the gym hard again. I get sandwiches and pussy whenever I say, "today was a shit day."

    Best thing I did? Let her be a woman, nurture her hamster, and increase my value as a man in every possible way.

    This is 30s.

    [–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    She's not big on social media, never was before we got together. When she is, she invokes me. I take this as a win.

    100% win. Social media whoring can cause a lot of drama.

    I dread her as a matter of principle because she's a good Christian girl and she believes that I have played a number of fields. I've never given her more than a few of the tamest stories in my history.

    Your dread consists of just stories about past women/relationships?

    Business did well in 2016. I took her on a vacation and immediately hit the gym hard again. I get sandwiches and pussy whenever I say, "today was a shit day."

    Immediately after the vacation, or after things slowed down after work?

    Best thing I did? Let her be a woman, nurture her hamster, and increase my value as a man in every possible way.

    Well said.

    How do you nurture the hamster?

    And how do you satisfy her comfort levels?

    [–]Endorsed Contributortepper2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Your dread consists of just stories about past women/relationships?

    Partially. She knows that these women stilll pay attention to my social media, and I have a lot of contact with college-aged women. Basically she perceives her SMV to be much lower than mine, and her other options limited.

    Immediately after the vacation, or after things slowed down after work?

    Almost immediately. I'm in decent shape, but my gym routine hasn't been regular due to injury. She's a much better first mate when I'm on top of my game.

    How do you nurture the hamster?

    She can be simple, so sprinkle some dread into her mind soup and stir occassionally. I give her the good news about the business, don't really clue her into much of the bad. She sees me as intelligent and successful, and she tells me often how lucky she is. When she doesn't I remind her.

    And how do you satisfy her comfort levels?

    Be the rock? Hard to describe but this is a LTR, not a plate, and a lot of what I do is basically a snap decision based on what's happening at the moment. I make the decisions and she seems to like that. Comfort tests don't happen very often because of what I assume is a perceived gap in SMV and I take pretty good care of her, as a captain should.

    Also, sling some good dick.

    [–]johnsonsson 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I am playing a specially hard mode LTR because my GF is a therapist. Influencing people and interpreting relationships is her job. However, she is still a woman and behaves no different than all the others I had.

    Very important in our dynamic that I refuse to have "the talk". And she wants the talk a lot. Well, she has it with her girlfriends cause I dont give a shit. This morning she wanted me to accept that she is a jealous type of person. I said I dont give a fuck and she is free to leave but never allowed to intervene who I am talking to. That was that.

    I dread her a lot with my ex girls. She knows I had plenty. I tease her that they still message me from time to time.

    Also, abundance. If there are women showing interest, I plant this information carefully in a conversation. She knows for a fact that I could leave whenever I want to.

    Very important seems to be when we are out together. Gaming girls in front of her without being too obvious is just great stuff. She gets super aggressive and I jsut have a good laugh and tease her.

    Yeah and did I mention my biceps?

    [–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I dread her a lot with my ex girls. She knows I had plenty. I tease her that they still message me from time to time.

    Does she do it back? If so, how do you respond?

    [–]absolucion 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Best thing I do now is be firm & direct. When I need her to do something, I will tell her (and I won't repeat myself) and it will get done immediately.

    To OP's point about emotional arguing, I try and avoid doing that (although I've lost frame doing it). I can defuse a situation quickly by stating my point and stepping away and letting her digest what I've said.

    [–]Endorsed Contributorseattleron[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    To OP's point about emotional arguing, I try and avoid doing that (although I've lost frame doing it). I can defuse a situation quickly by stating my point and stepping away and letting her digest what I've said.

    Yes, that can work. State your thoughts, then don't respond to anything.

    [–]absolucion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If I don't walk away, I run the risk of losing frame. If I walk away, I can finish analyzing the situation and move onto the next thing I have to do.