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I briefly cried in front of my bros after telling them about my depression, and now I feel like a pussy. (self.asktrp)

submitted by trpthrow87659

Just finished talking about good old times with 2 solid bros. On the ride back to drop me off, they told me they found out that I quit my job recently. What they didn't know was why.

I've been hugely depressed over lots of shit for about 2 years now. I haven't reached out because I feel a problem shared is a problem doubled. My mates have done plenty of shit for me in the past, and I didn't want to burden them. Everybody has their own shit to deal with.

They slowly peeled the truth off me. I feel like an attention whoring bitch for telling them, because if I didn't want to tell them, I wouldn't have told them right?

I was holding it tight for a while. We discussed my problems with a slight philosophical edge. Nihilism and other shit was brought up. They kept giving me bits of advice and support. I was, and am grateful.

Then just as I was about to get out the car, one of them said to me;

"Before you go, you better know nothing you tell us is a burden to us mate. We're your buds and we don;t want you bottling this shit up inside, and we're always here for you."

That did it for me.

I did that weird thing you do when you sob, where you jut your jaw out in a frown and breathe out your nose real fast in short sharp bursts.

He then put his hand out like Arney and the guy who plays Dylan in predator, and we clasped. I finished up my quick sob, and got out of the car saying "Cheers lads"

And now I feel when I see them, the character who they thought I was, the person I portray myself as in front of them, this out going, charismatic guy who shoots the shit with everyone and always has good laughs and gives harsh funny banter, is fucking dead, and now I am destined to be forever seen as "Some guy who can;t keep his shit together". And it fucking kills me.

I want to know how I can change my mindset to not think of myself as a little bitch about this whole thing.


[–][deleted] 77 points78 points  (1 child)

I have a good friend who had a suicidal episode a while back.

I never thought less of him or thought of him as a "pussy". If it were to happen to him again I would want him to text or call any time of the day. That's what friends do.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This means a lot. Thanks.

[–]oldslut 62 points63 points  (7 children)

if these guys are your REAL bros, and it seems like they are, all is well. now, i wouldn't recommend turning them into weekly emotional tampons, but from what you explained, they got your back. with that said, maybe you should find someone not so close to you to discuss your problems with if things are that difficult. talking with a neutral, non-biased person may help you out of your rut.

we've all been down, sometimes, really deep. it is part of life. becoming a man means figuring your shit out, and pulling yourself back up. good luck man.

[–]menial_optimist 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This. I had a similar thing awhile back. The guys sho bottle it up are the kinds that drink a 6 pack everyday and puff their lungs out. I have a friend like that, a natural alpha with the ladies but he never opens up and presents a "nothing can phase me" attiude. Your real actual bros, not your wife or gf, are the ones who you should reveal your concerns and worries to. There are things Ive helped my bros through that their wives dont even know about.

[–]guifawkes 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I met with a counselor once a week for a couple weeks and there was security in knowing his advice was just for me and my situation and not just cliche advice that could apply to anyone. After a few times going I started to feel different about depression and also how I should handle it and it really helped. It's not that my counselor made my emotions disappear, but he helped me ask the right questions about my emotions so that I could understand them and not be helpless when I did feel them.

Also, recently heard the acronym HALT, that stands for hungry (or thirsty), angry, lonely, tired, and that has been a wonderful tool for introspection. A lot of times my emotions are acute and if I am any of those things while also anxious, then a lot of times fixing the HALT problem fixes or greatly helps my anxiety.

Finally (I stole this from The Rock), remember that depression is NOT you, and you are not depression incarnate. But rather think of depression as a cloud that can come over you temporarily, but it can't stay forever.

Stay busy and try to stay off your couch. Even if you have to drive an hour, find some basketball courts or fields where pickup basketball games or football are and just shoot hoops or throw the ball until you're ready to play. I found that competition was my best catharsis, I could be totally free from any negative emotions while playing and it occupied my mind for a good amount of time afterwards.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm in a band, and the singer, who I don;t even know that well, opened up to me one time about his personal life.

He said he'd had a therapist/counselor or whatever, he's possible bi polar, but honestly if you met him, you would think he is the happiest guy alive. Big cheesy fucking grin on his face all the time, never slags anyone off, 2 kids, nice missus. The whole lot.

He said the EXACT same thing about his counselor. A big body builder who's second job was a bouncer. Let's call him Dave)

He explained that Dave didn't just sit there telling him everything he needs to do to sort his life out, but instead he kind of asked HIM the questions, that made him lead his own way to the right path.

I bet getting the counselor to ask the right questions to the client is like the first thing they learn at "counselor school".

With my extra time now i've quit work, i'm gonna look at boxing or some martial art.

Thanks for your time mate.

[–]dickbuttspleasure 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great advice, its a good idea to keep those deep emotions away from your close bros/ plates/ girlfriends/ wifes. Find a neutral party to express the full extent of your emotions.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

They are. Been there since high school. Done crazy shit together. The cliche coming of age movie type bros

I'm gonna get some counselling.

[–]oldslut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

good to hear. it also helped me out many years ago to talk shit out with one... good luck man

[–]ethreax -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Priests are good listeners

[–]Pork_Sword3 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I’ve cried in front of my bros before, and we are still as solid as ever. They have never judged me for anything I’ve done and I treat them the same way. We are all there for each other when we need it. By the sounds of things, these guys have got your back and are there for you. Just because you cried in front of your pals that doesn’t make you any less of a man. We are all human and we all have emotions.

In a more red pill sense, when you’re feeling weak and need to confide in someone, go to your dad or your mates. Never do it in front of a woman, they will judge you the moment you talk about emotions or shed a single tear. Men won’t judge their mates who show weakness but women will and will run for the hills if they see this. Keep that in mind throughout this journey.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm against telling my dad, because he once told me he loses sleep over the fact that he thinks his son might not be happy.

He's sacrificed a lot for me over the years, and he's had some unlucky business and love ventures. I'm not prepared to burden him any more.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You fool! You're so blind, you don't realize what you've got. You have real friends here. That is a rare treasure. They love you for you, not some stoic face you put on but the real you. Fuck man, it's ok to be human. We all are. If you fake emotions your whole life you won't know who you really are. Don't panic about this, sit back and be thankful for what you have. You'd be surprised how few people really have that.

[–]Kisstafer1 13 points14 points  (1 child)

You don't cry in front of girls unless

  1. your family dies
  2. your friend (or dear & loyal pet) dies

Brothers on the other hand, you can actually discuss real life shit among equals without judgement or any loss of respect (as a man), because only a man knows how hard it can be to be a man sometimes.

[–]InfiniteAscent 3 points4 points  (0 children)

only a man knows how hard it can be to be a man sometimes

Truth.

[–]htbf 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You should be so grateful to have such friends. I would push you over a cliff in a heartbeat if I could get your two.

You're a man. Tears don't take anything out of that.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am. I might have been a bit of a loser in other aspects of life, but i've got a good set of solid friends.

[–]floresw4 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If there’s anyone you can do that in front of it’s your boys. If they’re your real friends, which is seems like they are, they don’t give a fuck and would want to help you out. Whole different ball game than it is with girls.

[–]soulmysold 3 points4 points  (2 children)

We evolved to cry for a reason, nothing unmanly about it or wrong, unless you constantly cry about everything. Being a man you shouldn't fear showing emotion, it's ok op. We all have our demons drowning us, you wouldn't want to bottle your sadness and ignore it, the same way you don't bottle anger, because you'll snap eventually.

Go lift, it always helps me when I'm feeling depressed.

Depression is natural, it comes and it goes. Usually only privileged societies have a lot of depression, it's a luxury.

People from poor countries who truly struggle to live don't get to experience depression or happiness, only survival.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

People from poor countries who truly struggle to live don't get to experience depression or happiness, only survival.

We brought this up in the discussion in the car.

When I was in the Navy, some Fijian guy, 4 kids, nice wife, always fucking smiling and laughing, nothing getting him down, told me

"Depression is a white man disease. Ain't no bloody depression on the Islands Matta (I think this word means friend or something)"

We got everything we need in this urban "Paradise" There's no journey in the struggle.

[–]soulmysold 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My family taught me the same, they grew up in eastern Europe during a very dangerous period. It got so bad a task force was assigned just to prevent cannibalism due to people starving and being forced to eat each other. So you can imagine.

[–]-HeartOfDark- 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You got some good friends bro. Don't worry about it. The great things about friends is they can see you at your worst and they don't give a shit about it.

[–]LordThunderbolt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All I can say is good luck and hopefully you don't get roasted for it later on lol

[–]GreenPiller 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At least it wasn't in front of a female "friend"

[–]Shukakun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They seem to care about you a lot so I don't think you have to worry about saving face. But it's understandable that you feel like a pussy after that, I've been through a depression of almost three years, and I think I can explain why you feel like that, or at least why you should feel like that.

Depression is real, no doubt about that, brain chemistry is a thing and that thing can become fucked up. However, it's far from the entire picture, and it's important that you realize that. There's a reason that antidepressants and frequent gym sessions have about the same effectiveness treating depression. There's a reason that one of the most successful therapies there are, CBT, focuses on cognition and behavior. Sure, you are your brain chemistry, but you're also what you think and what you do.

That's where the problem lies. Most depressed people, me included, end up creating a miserable, comfortable, self-defeatist bubble around themselves. One of the clinical causes for depression is literally "having been depressed for a long time", sounds bizarre, but it's true.

I know you feel like shit and don't want to do anything at all, let alone being lectured by some stranger on reddit. This is tough love, but you need to hear it. You might find a medication that helps you. I've been through four and one of them helped mildly, but faded as I got used to the effect after a few weeks. The harsh truth is, no one and nothing else is going to cure your depression. The only one that can do it is you. I used to despise people telling me to "get a hold of myself", thinking that they obviously don't understand depression and have never been in my shoes. But they were right. The only long term cure there is for depression is getting rid of your toxic habits and your toxic mindset, and I'm sure you suffer from both. I hope you'll manage to get out of this, god knows it's tough as fuck, but I'm rooting for you.

[–]NordJitsu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One of the toughest guys I know (former MMA fighter) has battled depression and even confided suicidal thoughts to me. Doesn't make you any less of a man and your friends sound like they'll understand that.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorRian_Stone 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They won't care, just so long as your goal isn't a pity party, and their role is emotional tampons.

You've said it, they are aware of it. The rest should be practical. If you need something, call em.

[–]nofucksgiven-exe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seems like there's nothing to worry about, they got your back for now. If it becomes too much they will show signs of it, otherwise it sounds like this is in your head. Just do what it takes to get it out of your head without wasting any of the short life you have; lifting for example, or some productive hobby you can focus on.

[–]Senior Endorsedmax_peenor 1 point2 points  (2 children)

So, going to be honest with you. I think I need a tampon after reading this.

That said.

I want to know how I can change

Lift. Mission. <-- it's that fucking simple.

I got really, really drunk one night and for the first time lost my shit about the two men I lost in combat. I unleashed; not even a vaginal moment, but more a fuck-god level. But I was really, really drunk, so it was to my friend's dog. Yes, I had probably one of the most emotional moments in my entire life and it was at a dog. We were alone, dogger and I, but my less drunk friend checked in on me. Bro was a good spotter.

The next day he gave me the bro-shoulder hug. All was well. She (and fucking bloopers, this was not a gender thing) seemed happy to be there, he said about his awesome dog (a bestie for my lab).

The point being is sometimes we are human, and sometimes humans do this stuff, but you can't expect another human to fix the problem--the problem being you. If you need to let it out, there are appropriate places for it. Hell, PM me if you have no where else; I'll do it. Never the less, nothing will change until you find your mission.

So what is your mission?

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Respect for what you've been through, I can't pretend to know, but I always get a lump in my throat when i think about guys losing their comrades in war.

So what is your mission?

I don't have one, despite reading TRP for about 2 years, I still don't see the point in much at all. I know the "We're all gonna die and we are just a bunch of smart monkeys with mortgages" mindset is stupid and not healthy, but nonetheless I can't trick my brain into thinking any other way.

I'm gonna go get some therapy, been recommended by loads of people, and it's worth giving everything a go.

Thanks for the offer of messaging you. It means a lot that some random off the internet can relate so much he would offer his most valuable resource of time to me.

[–]Senior Endorsedmax_peenor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What games did you like as a child? At some point there was something you wanted to do.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Roger.

[–]FuckMichaelMcCoy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Shit like this is gonna make you guys closer, given its mutual.

Adversity turns off women due to attraction but to men it makes us closer.

[–]trpthrow87659[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Adversity turns off women due to attraction but to men it makes us closer.

I dig that.

[–]cursedflame 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i think everyone, have had or have these moments where you just in conflict with your inner self. yeah it is a hard one, but the thing you did.. Nobody really nobody(males) will think les of you because you cried. like all guys say on this topic, if you are really in a bad state, and you gotta cry your eyes out and you decide it to do it with some brothers, this is completely fine. it will increase the bond you have with them since you are letting yourself open and be the real YOU. the real you, not the fake one we play all day because "society" asks us. You have been unplugged so you know the difference between fake an reality also. I also have had problems i couldn't just not cry, hell me and my friends even cried together, made our friendship even stronger. In my opinion i got mad respect for you just for opening yourself to your friends, there is nothing to be ashamed of and males will never think less of you. females will cuz yeah, you know how that works. but bro's won't and if they do, they aint your bro's bro.

Keep your head up. you can also message me if you just want to talk to someone. we in this shit together, all of us.

[–]anabolic92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You should really stick to those guys and keep them around, some of us are also depressed and don't have anyone.

They offered themselves already so don't hesitate talking to them, they shall be a reason for you to be strong and happy.

[–]Wrath_of_Trump 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did not read your thread. I don't need to. You will get over it and so will they. Man up and move on

[–]bonekeeper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, chill. That's what bros are for and it sounds like your friends got your back. Can you count how many times a woman that is not a relative of yours really showed compassion and understanding towards you? Only men can really know what men go through. If anything, it strengths our bonds as "brothers in arms".

[–]Pabsmanhere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Download the free audiobook "Real Time Relationships" by Stephan Molyneux. That book will help you learn how to peel back the layers so you can address core internal problems so you don't have to be depressed without knowing why for years. I would caution you that this post and your concern for your image is likely a subconscious attempt to cover up whatever broke open with your mates. Our subconscious side hates change and will do anything to keep things the way they have always been. I'm not saying this to call you a pussy or say there's something wrong with you. Lifting and frame and status are certainly important, but at some point we all have to put effort into getting our internal world in order. Almost all of us start out a complete mess in there.

[–]TheEndlessRoadAhead -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Crying in front of other men is the men version of a shit test.

If they're still your bros after, they're bros for life.

That said, I ain't ever doing that shit.

[–]AlphaGrad -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Damn...you fucked up big time. Suffering in silence is way better. Of course, them being real bros won't affect your broship too much, but now you'll often feel vulnerable in front of them even if they respect you.


Never let them see you bleed, suffer in silence, lick your wounds in solitude.