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Girlfriend is getting fat (self.asktrp)

submitted by A_newman123

I love my girlfriend, but since we started getting serious she has been slowly letting herself go. I've become increasingly less sexually attracted to her as this has happened. She is deeply in love with me, but if there's nothing I can do about her gaining more weight, I feel like I need to break up with her. She's only 28 and I'm certain as she gets into her 30's she's going to gain a lot of weight with her poor habits. Any tips on how to handle the situation or to confront her about her weight?


[–]Modbsutansalt[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Dread does a body good. Get fit yourself and talk to other women. BAM! she'll be back in shape in no time.

The key is being subtle and maintaining your own plausible deniability. If you can get her hamster racing then you'll be golden.

[–]TheBrokenRuler 64 points65 points  (3 children)

but since we started getting serious she has been slowly letting herself go.

Yeah, I've been there too, asking this question is what led me to TRP.

The answer that I found was that she's basically giving you a long-term shit test. How much can I let myself go before it bothers him? How much can I slack off, and still have him treat me like he did before? Essentially, how much energy can I cease to put in, while he still puts in his 100%?

Dread it up, bud

[–]The_Dude_89 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Pure wisdom here! I wish I'd seen this two years ago when I needed direction.

[–]El_Serpiente_Roja 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All facts here. Dread game has a ominous name but its really sophisticated boundry setting. Act right get treated right, act up and get the dread of losing me as punishment and keep acting up and lose me for real.

[–]jackandjill22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice

[–]cptgoatsack 42 points43 points  (2 children)

Handcuff it to a treadmill

[–]_the_shape_ 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Upvote for proper, respectful use of pronouns.

Devolve into a slob, get referred to as "it".

[–]Big_Red_suppository 126 points127 points  (16 children)

You're in a relationship that isnt mutually beneficial. I.e. in the event it ends shes worse off than when it started, you are too and dont realize it.

Lead by example. A healthy lifestyle is 100% habit and if you're romantically involved with someone that isn't then figure out what part of that is on you and fix that first. Put on your oxygen mask before assisting other passengers. If you look better and feel better and live better she will come around, if not, guess what 28 ain't young you can just start checking out the <25 crowd. Act as if that is the next step👌

[–]TrenGod37 83 points84 points  (13 children)

This. The autistic answer would be just next her. The better answer is lead by example. Try dragging her to the gym with you. And see if that works before just nexting her.

[–]M23W0OH7FV2t 20 points21 points  (12 children)

The autistic TRP answer would be just next her

FTFY

[–]redd_reality 16 points17 points  (10 children)

Agreed. Who the fuck started this "label everything short sighted, autistic" thing?

[–]TrenGod37 57 points58 points  (4 children)

Veterans here who are sick of your shit

[–]DntPnicIGotThis -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Ahhh! A perfectly balanced response. As all things should be.

[–]Merwebb 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Its simple calculus

[–]M23W0OH7FV2t 11 points12 points  (1 child)

You, I, and the rest of we losers who turned a (sometimes severe) medical condition into a playground insult.

As a disclaimer, I have aspergers myself.

[–]You_Know_This_MAN 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the problem is autistic has been thrown around so much that it's now frequently used to describe people who lack social skills. Yes there is real, extreme autism. But at the other end of the spectrum it's being used to address socially akwkard nerds.

[–]Bascome 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Right after we starting using "feel" instead of "think.

"I feel like he scored a touchdown there." -sports announcer

What kind of feeling is touchdown?

[–]SynfulVisions 4 points5 points  (0 children)

THE FEELING OF VICTORY!!!!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its the politically correct way of saying someone is retarded... for those who give two fucks of what others think about them.

RETARDS

[–]pilljourney 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He said he loves her. Advising him to next her is to directly advise him to make an impulsive and unhealthy decision. I didn't realize trp existed to influence people make poor decisions.

This relationship is far from beyond repair. Nexting is a little kid solution. It's 'too much work' to get his shit together and influence her to do the same. If it comes down to that down the line I understand but that isn't the situation presented here.

[–]TheReformist94 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No. Cheat on her until she loses weight. She'd do the same.

[–]DntPnicIGotThis -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ahhhh! A perfectly balanced response. As all things should be.

[–]BurnieSlander 27 points28 points  (4 children)

Confront head on. A healthy dose of dread is you’re only chance at salvaging the relationship.

It’s not about her physical appearance, it’s about her being ok with getting fat. Laziness is a choice. You don’t want to be with someone who is lazy.

If you care about her, don’t beat around the bush- tell her straight up that you’ve noticed her becoming less and less healthy (notice I’m talking about health, not weight) and that she needs to do something about it. Be clear and TELL her that she needs to make a change. If she gets uppity about it and wants to fight and make excuses, leave the house and let it sink in.

[–]SteveStJohn 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Confront head on.

Like overtly? That is verboten. Rollo wrote in Dread Game, "often all it takes is a nuanced shift in a predictable routine to trigger that imagination (in the female). The idea isn’t to instill terror from fear of loss, but rather to demonstrate higher value; particularly when a woman’s attention is straying into comfortable, routine familiarity..."

[–]UFND 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Wouldn't that assume the person has the capability to realistically evaluate themselves, and would uss it on themselves in the first place?

I can't assume education levels! If she's got bad social skills, a direct confrontation over indirect dread might be better.

Unless I'm missing something...

[–]BurnieSlander 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I agree with this. Being subtle is passive and likely to waste another 6 months of OP’s life. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

[–]SteveStJohn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Chad doesn't explain.

But hey, I'm doing the LTR.

[–]mismm 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Girls who will stay thin for their whole lives don't get fat just because of a relationship. They are the girls who are thin but are always concerned about their figure and think they could lose a bit more weight even though they don't really need to.

From my experience, this type of girl like your girlfriend never changes. Even if you manage to convince her to lose weight now, she will keep gaining and losing weight in cycles until her body is no longer capable of it and she will ultimately be fat. Because, really, she is ok with being out of shape.

What will most likely happen is that you will break up with her and she will immediately lose weight. Does that mean you were wrong or you didn't try hard enough? No. She will repeat the same thing with the next poor chap she dates.

[–]the_real_lunch_box 6 points7 points  (0 children)

if you had the option of banging more fit girls do you think you would be posting this question here? Dread works lead by example and gym and lift. She might take the hint and make the effort. One way of doing it might be to flirt with girls better looking than her in front of her. The other way is telling her. Tell her how you feel and be comfortable with walking away if she doesn't make a change. Make peace with the fact her family and friends will hate you.

[–]Kornell2018 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I had the same case bro. She was beautiful, but started gaining weight. I used to tell her to come to gym with me or just go for a jog with me, never mentioned because she was gaining weight. And shealways rejected, was lazy and after when she felt i offered it due her weight gain, her rejections got more aggressive. We not together anymore (not due to her weight issue :)) ) - 2 years passed , met her she is skinny now. So what i think is that 1. I probably wasn't the best boyfriend, i think i could do better back then and she didn't feel like following me and my ideas. 2. She is just a verystubborn person in general. (reason of our breakup)

Combination of this two created all this. I don't have an advice for you, but maybe you will see ANY kind of resemblance, you might get something out of it.

Good luck mate!

[–]SwoleStoner 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“The best diet is the dread diet”

[–]AshyBoneVR4 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I love my girlfriend, but since we started getting serious she has been slowly letting herself go.

She's getting, or got comfortable. Basically she thinks her looks don't matter to you. You're not going to go anywhere so she doesn't have to try hard anymore. She's getting all the attention she wants/needs from you so she doesn't have to work as hard at being pretty.

Kill that shit. And you kill it fast. You need to tell her that it's obvious that she's gaining weight. When yall got together you were attracted to her personality AND looks. She needs to keep both to keep you around. Tell her you guys are going to be going to the gym together or yall can pick up a new active hobby like hiking, rock climbing or a combat sport.

[–]PhaedrusHunt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I disagree. Her fitness is on her. She shouldn't need a babysitter.

[–]redd_reality 11 points12 points  (0 children)

When two adults get into a relationship, they encourage each other and allow each other the space to grow and mature into their best self.

This is what love actually means. It means walking away if the other person is using you as a crutch to avoid the harsh realities of their own life.

You need to make her know that the reason you're telling her she needs to lose weight is because ultimately, you care about her. You are willing to say the harsh, possibly hurtful things so that she can become a better person and love herself more.

If she isn't willing to accept and embrace this gift from you, than she is not an adult in a relationship, but a child clinging to a parent for emotional validation and you must cut her lose so the world can mature her.

[–]sircomeseyesd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Invite her to do active stuff with you and cook healthy meals together. If she's not into it and rejects your ideas then shes not really the best match for you.

[–]awfulgoodness 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A fat girlfriend is a sign of poor male leadership. Put her under the barbell or move on the skinnier pastures. Although I suspect this issue will follow you to the next girl.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love my girlfriend, but since we started getting serious she has been slowly letting herself go.

Yes. Because you "love" her. So she doesn't have to try. You've spoiled her.

She is deeply in love with me,

Yeah? She'd do anything for you? Like try and please you sexually by losing weight?

She isn't deeply in love, she's deeply in need.

, I feel like I need to break up with her. She's only 28 and I'm certain as she gets into her 30's she's going to gain a lot of weight with her poor habits. Any tips on how to handle the situation or to confront her about her weight?

"Girl, you're getting fat. Do something about it". If this ends things, then you shouldn't be with her.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

[–]redd_reality 18 points19 points  (5 children)

You can’t confront women about their weight.

Why? Because society tells you that?

Here at trp, we find our testicles, embrace the truth, and don't shy from doing the tough, hard, or difficult tasks.

She needs to hear the truth. If it costs op the relationship then so-be-it. He knows deep down he is doing the right things, and so does every other sensible person.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]mushroom_overlord 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    You can't confront women about their weight.

    It sounds like OP’s gf might have put on 10 or 15 lbs. Enough that it is noticeable but not a dealbreaker yet. If she put on 40 lbs, then yeah I’d say something. If she kept piling on another 20 lbs after I would likely call it quits.

    Choose one, you can't start by claiming confronting women about their weight is a no can do and then say you'd do it anyway.

    But you don’t have to blow up the relationship just to prove you have balls.

    There's nothing to prove. Either you want to be in an LTR with a girl of that weight or you don't. Clearly OP is already realizing this is past the point where she is happy with it, maybe she already put on 40 lbs but more likely OP just has different standards.

    There is a difference between being alpha and being an asshole.

    No one said to be an asshole about it.

    [–]2comment 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    There is a difference between being alpha and being an asshole.

    One sometimes involves being the other.

    [–]alucard1uk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

    [–]FwoGiZ -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    TRP is different for a lot of people...
    For me, it is to understand women and work with em with the knowledge I have.
    They speak a different dialect and you need to acknowledge that. Jiraiya is right.

    [–]1ANGRY_ATHEIST 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I promise you that she notices she is getting fat more than you do.

    I will also bet 100% that she has asked you if you think she is fat. Based on this post, I'm guessing you failed that shit-test with a "no" answer.

    [–]Redasshole 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    you next her when she gets fit on her own because it needs she is looking for something else. Now she is just getting confortable. Lead by example and get her ass in the gym. Time to take control

    [–]BPasFuck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    The fact you're not attracted to her, and the whiff of obligation that I'm picking up from between the lines of your post tells me it's probably too late and you should just next her. That you are already looking to do so, and simply want someone to say it's ok.

    OP, it's OK to next this chick.

    There ya go.

    Having a 'serious' talk with her, about losing weight will in the long run probably not accomplish much. Even if she promises to start losing weight, odds are high she won't, and will probably grow to resent you.

    If you want to stay with her, I recommend you make a big and obvious effort of going to the gym. Lose weight. Get buffer. Start to subtly/deniably flirt with other girls in front of her.

    Engage the dread.

    If she wants to keep you, she'll start dieting on her own, and whine about wanting to go to the gym with you.

    [–]rice19 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    next

    [–]af_007 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    If you got fat, would you like if your girlfriend dumped you?

    [–]Jemielstar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Next her. That is all.

    [–]Nomfwic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is something that you should have started when you guys got serious. My current ltr looks better than she did when we started dating due to me leading by example.

    Its almost impossible to gain back ground if you where to lenient in the begining. Don't waste your time.

    [–]thegabescat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    A fat woman is not ideal. And she'll most likely never be skinnier than she is now. I would kindly bail out if I were you.

    [–]deville05 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well if you feel like breaking up with her rather than talking to her.. you don't really like her or want to have a relationship and you might be a pussy. Decide who you are. You want to help her and yourself then help.. otherwise move over and let somebody else move in

    [–]Merwebb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Be covert. Dread. Show her what you want.

    [–]hibloodstevia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Water always finds its level. Out of a hundred possible worlds, she is fat in 99% of them.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This isn't a shit-test... it may manifest as one for all intents and purposes, but there is a difference and this is just the poison of complacency - it is just as likely to be the dude in a relationship letting his carcass expand (was me twice).

    Important to note that this happens to people of each and every social echelon... for instance, that dude who founded Gymshark and looks like a demented marsupial, he bagged himself a Canadian 9 and while she has not exactly imploded since they got together, she has clearly just barely been doing maintenance since he locked her down. If you look at her videos from back when she was on the prowl, compared to being shacked up with that fool, there is a distinct difference in physique.

    Your mom might have done it to your dad or vice versa. Complacency is odd because it is a very personal battle that all too often plays out in the context of a partnership.

    [–]SynfulVisions 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You need to talk to her, and explain why you feel the way you do. Then you need to break up with her.

    The talk won't do anything, but it's a matter of respect. If I fire an employee, I let them know exactly why I'm doing it. If I fire a girlfriend, they (as people) deserve the same consideration.

    The way I see it, I don't have any right to tell my SO how to live their life. My SO doesn't have any right to tell me how to live my life. We both have the right to choose who we spend time with though. If we're both clear about our expectations and standards, it makes the whole process easier. If I suddenly ended up fat, poor, or whatever... I wouldn't hold it against her if she dropped me for failing.

    [–]chachaChad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nexting her without telling her why is childish. Leading by example might have results but it might not. Basically, you have a boundary but you're afraid to tell her about because you're afraid of her reaction.

    Don't get me wrong. It's not an easy thing to say but you owe it to yourself AND her to be direct about it. Sit down for a few minutes and figure out some adult, non-blaming words to tell her what's going on with you. Pick a decent time to talk with her and bring it. She's going to cry, scream, bout and/or throw things. Let her.

    You're not a victim here and you're not powerless.

    [–]WannabeBull_y4twinks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    BDSM, consent, orgasm control.

    [–]El_Serpiente_Roja 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Just to add to someof the responses here.

    Dread game is about knowing your value and what you bring to the relationship..and thusly what you deserve. It isnt so much manipulation as it is a communication of value and boudries. The BP mindset doesnt want us to value ourselves and wants us to be happy with scraps ..TRP says otherwise

    [–]robtormar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well do YOU workout? stay in shape? I'm assuming you do since this is TRP. My LTRs have done this b4 but it is easily fixable. You get on a diet/ rigorous exercise regimen and they will follow you.

    [–]As-You-Were 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Confront head on. Don’t elaborate or explain just tell her. “You used to be attractive, now you aren’t. Fix that or I’m off”

    [–]ppanthero 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    That will neither work, nor be healthy for the relationship. When has an ultimatum ever led to lasting change? Its just bully behaviour. Read the sidebar, especially what Rollo has to say on dread. Dread is nuanced. Gameplan - dread of course, lead by example, if still not working - leaving.

    [–]As-You-Were 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    He feels like he wants to break up with her because of this, he has nothing to lose by challenging her.

    [–]Endorsed Contributor: "The Court Jester"GayLubeOil -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Should rename post: watching girlfriend get fat like a beta Cuck, not saying or doing anything. Need someone to fix it for me. Thanks fellow alpha males!