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Female Coworker finds out I have a kid-- starts throwing obvious IOIs. What gives? (self.asktrp)

submitted by AdjectiveSaint

So to say upfront, I never shit where I eat and engaging with female co-workers outside of work-related activities is a huge no-no for me. Regardless, the situation has me perplexed.

I'm 36 and shes's 23. We work in the same office in the same department but on different teams. Occasionally we've crossed paths on work projects and developed a basic working relationship which up until now I thought was just that.

During an informal meeting I was asked if I was going to bring my son in for "bring your kid into work day" to which I replied "no". This girl, hears that and immediately following the meeting, starts chatting me up via the company IM with questions all about my son, "How old is he? How often do I see him? What's his name? What do we like to do for fun..." etc etc...

Initially the questions seemed harmless, but then she started asking me to accompany her to meetings. Asking me to lunch (I said no because I lift during my lunch breaks), asking me how my workouts are. Basically throwing every covert IOI possible my way.

I'll admit she's solid 8 but the fact we work together is too huge of a risk to my career for me to throw away for a piece of ass.

My question is,, why after working with this girl for so many months, does she start throwing interest my way after learning I have a child? I'm on the management team. I lift regularly. Make good money. Drive a nice car. Have a nice apartment in downtown Chicago. Yet none of that seemed to matter before.

Taking the sidebar material into account,, what do you guys think is at play here?


[–]2CainPrice 188 points189 points  (11 children)

She's not interested in you. Because you have a son, you're now "safe" for her to talk to. She thinks you'll make a great girlfriend and lunch buddy.

Before she knew you had a son, talking to you might have been construed as interest and made things awkward for her.

[–]TheTrenTrannyTrain 79 points80 points  (7 children)

Interesting take, my first thought was that she has daddy issues, and that knowing OP has a son, she's looking for her new daddy.

[–]BurningOrangeHeaven 23 points24 points  (5 children)

Exactly what i thought lol.

[–]babybopp 16 points17 points  (4 children)

I too saw it that way. Op is father figure. Now she wants to put a dilf notch on her belt then move on. Op should stay clear of this one for sure

[–]redrogue12 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I had to read dilf three times before figuring out what you meant.

[–]2CainPrice 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Women really aren't as obsessed with sex as you or most guys seem to think. Girls talk to guys all the time without having some kind of sexual or friend-zoning orbiter agenda.

You have to remember that women have sex available to them all the time, with very little work involved. So sex isn't as big of a deal to them as it is to men. When a woman thinks about last week, she remembers work or school, hanging out with her friends, and going out with her girlfriends on Friday night. The fact that she met a guy from Tinder for drinks at 9:30 on Saturday and went home with him was just a fun little thing she did because she had the time and was bored and horny.

Hooking up with some guy from the bar or Tinder wasn't the biggest thing to happen to her that weekend. Who she's currently sleeping with or who she hooked up with last month is barely a blip on her radar. She just remembers work, school, and hanging out with her friends. Sex is a constant in her life that she does whenever she's bored and horny and has some free time, so it's not a big deal and doesn't really define what was going on in her life during any particular time period. If her new boyfriend two months from now asks her a question about her sexual history, she probably barely remembers the Tinder hookup she had last Saturday and hadn't even thought about it since then until her boyfriend asked. It wasn't some monumental and life-changing encounter with an awesome alpha hot guy. It was just a hook-up she set up when she had some free time, like any of her other hook-ups.

With that in mind, it's really, really unlikely that the woman in OP's scenario has any kind of sexual agenda, or even a flirtatious orbiter agenda. Women just don't think about sex the way we do. They don't see every interaction as a potential hook-up or boyfriend or guy to extract validation from. Sex is always available to them, so the fact that they have a Tinder date tonight after work isn't the main event for their day. It's just something they do in their spare time. Likewise, talking to OP isn't some sexual flirtation or manipulative orbiter game. It's just a girl at work making conversation. Sex isn't even on her mind.

[–]treefortknox 1 point2 points  (0 children)

women have sex available to them all the time, with very little work involved

Awesome post, especially that line.

[–]markinsinz7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad to see you know this and put out such a detailed insight into it. US guys who aren't regularly in the company of women(or in fact rare af) ur info eye opening as well as depressing I get why ur in an LTR(yea I know it's a bit weird I remember that and keep bringing it up) but my point being u had a 'choice to be in an ltr guys today the below 80% don't have that choice they just have to commit to the cutest thing that's willing for them.

It's sad that for so many guys and almost every girl out there sex is like a normal thing - as basic to them as lunch n dinner. Fuck this life. Only solace that trp gives me and so many peeps here is we become aware of the bitter truth n can hopefully protect ourselves primarily our wallets

[–]kayfab 1 point2 points  (0 children)

lots of young women are into older men, scary shit i dated a 23y old when i was 42 3 months stop when she wanted to be more serious and talking about kids and moving in with me.....

[–]HurricaneHugues 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thats not it. She saw that he was an accomllished male that fulfilled his biological purpose. If a woman was okay with baring him a child, he must be really attractive.

[–]2CainPrice 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I am completely floored by how little men around here understand women.

No 23 year old office worker learns that her significantly older co-worker is a divorced dad and gets horny because he's pre-selected, as evidenced by the fact that he has a child.

You need to start formulating your theories based on your experiences with real women, not manosphere internet articles about biology.

[–]HurricaneHugues 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The girl had already found him attractive. It wasnt the cause of her attraction. The kid reinforced it and gave her an in to approach

[–]1UnluckyPenguin 68 points69 points  (11 children)

I only had to read the title, she's not interested. Then I read the rest, which confirmed it.

Here's a few points:

  • Don't mix up 'being nice/polite' as an IOI. If she starts asking to see you on the weekends, that would be an IOI.

  • Work Spouse is extremely common in the US. I've seen it happen all the time, it's a completely platonic relationship. This is much more likely the direction you are headed, just accept it and hope she introduces you to one of her hot friends.

This seems all too familiar compared to a situation I got in during a part-time job on-campus at university. This old, fat grandma-looking lady in payroll used to talk to me. She was creepy but I tried to be extremely polite - turns out I was literally the only person to ever be nice to her. She wrote me a love letter that had me almost puking (about how she wants to feel me inside her...ugh). Since then, where ever I work, I have a blank (slightly pissed off) face whenever interacting with a woman.

[–][deleted]  (8 children)

[deleted]

    [–]1UnluckyPenguin 21 points22 points  (5 children)

    *A Love Letter from a 50 year old woman to me (21) *


    They say that confession is good for the soul. I hope they are right.

    The first time I fell in love I was 18. I would have one anything for him - anything to be with him - I cut classes and even stole cigarettes for him. He could have had my body and soul but all he did was break my heart. When he told me he had gotten married over the weekend but he still wanted to be freinds there was a pain in my chest that actually felt like my heart shattered.

    I have had many relationships over the years - 5 lovers, 2 one night stands and one affair with a married man but I didn't think I could ever fall in love again.

    And then I met you.

    I don't know how or why we connect but obviously we did and very quickly. When I first looked into your beautiful eyes I saw an old soul in the body of a young man and I was hooked.

    Talking with you and especially being with you has made me feel 18 again and very old at the same time.

    I am addicted to you. I think about you all the time - and I cry a lot.

    I want to kiss you and caress you. When I am near you my body aches for you. I want to feel your hands on my breasts, your body on top of mine and you inside of me. But I know this will never happen.

    My awakened body and heart are telling me "YES" and "GO" but my rational mind is telling me "NO" and "STOP" and that I am being a silly old fool. Your life is just beginning. My life is over. All I am doing now is waiting to die.

    This conflict is tearing me apart.

    Like recovering from any other addiction the best way is to go cold turkey. That is why I have taken a leave of absence from work. My physician gave me a prescription to calm me down and I have an appointment with a psychologist to cope with the rest. I am hoping that by the time I return to work my mind will be in control of my body and heart and I will be able to work and behave in a professional manner.

    I realize that telling you all of this will end our friendship and will make being around each other at work very awkward. I'm sorry about that. I don't want to do anything to interfere with your schooling or your work - both are too important. I wanted you to know all of this so you understand when I treat you like all the other employees.

    Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you but I must change my behavior.

    I don't expect you to respond to this. It is my problem, not yours.

    Tearfully yours,

    [–]HurricaneHugues 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    My angus is fucking puckered at all the fucking cringe, WOW! Imagine if snuck the word "moist" in there a few times. So cringe. I have to commend you for not only keeping the letter after all this time, but typing it out for all of us to see. You must've truly loved her.

    [–]1UnluckyPenguin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    It took me a while to find it, but I saved it on an old blog that I haven't touched in like 8 years.

    You must've truly loved her.

    and now I have to kill you. haha... but on a serious note, I did consider potentially offering my 'services' if she could give me something worth my while - nope, she was broke too.

    [–]Zanford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Holy shit you delivered

    Knowing who wrote this, it's both disgusting and hilarious

    [–]econquest 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Thanks a lot for sharing this with us, verbatim. Omg so much cringe.

    [–]1UnluckyPenguin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Only did it so OP knows not to take things too far. Sometimes a being friendly is literally just that - not an IOI.

    [–]1UnluckyPenguin 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    I wish you still had the letter to share with us. Hopefully she gave the letter to you when you or her left? I can't imagine how awkward it would be seeing and conversing with her after you read that letter.

    First thing first. She gave it to me while we were both planning to worth there for quite a while longer. It was extremely awkward... Even AFTER I left, because I didn't tell her I left and my class mate who shared a cube with me would regularly see her creepily staring into our cube. I actually reported her to my boss, it went like this:

    Me: "S loves me..." Boss: "Of she loves you, she loves everybody" Me: <Dead Serious> "She LOVES me" Boss: <trying his best to avoid bursting out laughing> "Alright, go back to your desk and I'll talk to HR."

    Fun fact: She had twins, one boy, one girl. They were both gay. Oh, and she was married when she wrote this.

    Honestly no one in TRP should read this, but I guess everybody loves a bit of cringe...

    [–]sebass1223 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I thought this would be funny but its actually pretty sad.

    [–]jackandjill22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Right.

    [–]mrpoopistan 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    None of those are IOIs.

    Initiating touching is an IOI. Making sexually suggestive statements is an IOI.

    Also, it doesn't seem to matter, since you've ruled her out for career reasons. Basically, you're engaging in a humblebrag without realizing it's not that much of a brag.

    [–]LeftAndRed 31 points32 points  (1 child)

    Despite what these guys are saying they are just speculating

    As a single dad I’ll tell you what this phenomenon is. She now thinks she has a rejection free way to your commitment. If you give her the chance then she’ll play mommy to get close to you and create a relationship with your kid that gives her security. She’s trying to bypass plate status.

    [–]ozfish83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Some girls are attracted to the ready made family

    [–]room_303 34 points35 points  (3 children)

    Sorry, these were not IOI's, you're her new 'time whore', a new man to gossip with in the office whilst she pines for her chad throughout the day, and you should of stopped answering her questions yesterday - you are on the way to being accused of some shit or fired.

    [–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 32 points33 points  (1 child)

    Jesus, not every girl is out to destroy every man they work with. It’s a healthy work environment when you get along with coworkers.

    [–]KidWonder101 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Right, I agree. Some guys in these threads are ridiculous.

    Sounds like she may be genuinely interested in OP, because he's a single father and that's rare as fuck. Everyone knows about a single mother.

    She may be fantasizing about being a step-mom to his child, you just never know. Especially since the guy has a nice car, nice apartment, and lifts.

    [–]AdjectiveSaint[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Well said...

    [–]rockyp32 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Maybe she just really likes kids and realized that’s something she could talk to u about either as a friends or possible a girlfriend

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    IMO - it just means she's put you in the zone of someone she likes and has stuff in common with (liking kids). It would have been the same if she found out you liked her favourite soap opera or whatever.

    [–]Nergaal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Weird that nobody has mentioned the possibility that she has the confirmation now that you are a safe provider. Maybe she isn't even interested in getting an offspring with you. Some women appreciate the "being able to be a father" type of man. You know, not quite the type that pumps and dumps, but who might also stick around.

    Maybe she is infertile and she gets her mommy instincts kicking in while knowing that she has no options by herself.

    [–]bosshawg502 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Maybe, just maybe, she's trying to slip in and play mommy to get with you and therefore better her career opportunities. Maybe

    [–]kayfab 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    don't fuck with the payroll dude honest....

    [–]ChadFromColumbus 11 points12 points  (18 children)

    This girl, hears that and immediately following the meeting, starts chatting me up via the company IM with questions all about my son, "How old is he? How often do I see him? What's his name? What do we like to do for fun..." etc etc...

    If someone did this and asked the same questions to a single mom they would have been fired yesterday.

    [–]moltenw 13 points14 points  (3 children)

    The concept of "equality" is something TRP has no place for, so why are you even bringing this up?

    Men and women are different, and double standards exist for a reason. People want men to act a certain way and females another on here, yet consistently cry about double standards (maybe it's just a different userbase, I dont really care).

    Double standards have always existed, and for a reason. This "equality" movement is just trying to destroy the balance.

    [–]omega_dawg93 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    the REAL equality movement starts with feminists DEMANDING that women be required to register with selective service at 18 yrs old. and after that, they can demand equal sentencing guidelines in court, and then, they can balance out divorce court and custody matters.

    until then, all i hear is, "blah, blah, blah... men make more money... blah, blah, blah... glass ceiling, blah, blah, blah, she was in love with the student, so that's why she fucked a 13 yr old... blah, blah."

    [–]ChadFromColumbus -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    What you are saying here is little more than advocacy for the pussy pass in this scenario. You are saying it’s ok for her to creep on OPs privacy while knowing full well op would get fired for doing the same.

    Stop being a cuck.

    [–]moltenw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm not saying it's okay, I'm saying it's the reality.

    It would be nice if double standards didn't exist at least in the LEGAL department (like what you are saying), but I know very well that women will be given a pass in a lot of scenarios where men won't be.

    [–]turtlings 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Stop overreacting

    [–]binrobinro 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Only if they were ugly.

    [–]when_in_rhone 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I work in restaurants where anything goes really. I’m curious, what’s the fireable context here?

    [–]FvckYourSafeSpace 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    There isn’t one unless you’re a creep and the interaction creeps her out.

    [–]watermelonicecream -1 points0 points  (8 children)

    This is garbage.

    No one would be fired for inquiries about a single mom and her child.

    [–]binrobinro 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    You seem to be unaware of today's work environment.

    [–]spndxwra 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    u talk crap

    [–]watermelonicecream -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

    Let me know that victim complex works out for you.

    [–]Yahu54 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    No, he's right. You're wearing blinders.

    [–]Destyllat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    GM of a corporate restaurant here. HR fired my lead bartender with 10 years experience because a host of 3 months filed a harassment claim regarding questions and statements about her child made by him after hours and off premises. she claimed he offered to take her out to dinner and asked what kind of toys her daughter liked.

    [–]ChadFromColumbus 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    If you ask a single mom how often she sees her kid that’s more than enough for her to feel threatened and have you fired in a professional corporate office.

    [–]keepitreal51 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Yup. This would be a dog whistle for insinuating she doesn’t have custody of her kid and therefore she’s a bad mother.

    [–]watermelonicecream 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Are you an HR professional?

    Do you work in a corporate office environment?

    [–]Red90210 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    People talk a lot about AWALT but everyone is different. TRP focuses on the female desire for a stud- alpha male that has the aspects of a lover. This is definitely true for ONS but some girls have a strong desire for a provider (the other selection criteria, usually more for LTR). Perhaps you have unlocked the combination of provider and comfort with good looks and rugged body

    [–]VisitingfromJapan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    she wants you to orbit her i think

    [–]SenorSwole 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Doesn’t matter. I’m just gonna parrot what TRP says because I have no actual advice to give: Don’t shit where you eat.

    [–]u-had-it-coming -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

    Tell us what happens next?

    U bang her?

    U bang her hot friend?

    U become her f w/o b?

    U cut off contact?