How Do You Maintain Attraction in an LTR? (self.asktrp)

submitted by cyanidez

Hi guys,

As per the title, how do you maintain attraction in a relationship? The initial attraction stage is going really well with the girls that I'm seeing and now it's time to extend that frame into relationship management territory. If you only have FB's, of course you can safely skip over this question. I'm asking advice from guys who keep girls in their lives for longer than 3 months.

For starters, I know that there is an inherent risk of decreased attraction simply due to increased familiarity, becoming comfortable with each other etc.

Is dread the only way? Other things I can think of that seems to be yielding results based on my own experimentation:

  • Infrequent contact (only messaging every other day or so).
  • Not seeing her every day, almost to the point of only once or twice a week.
  • Being fun, care-free and outcome independent when she's with me.
  • Not showing any jealousy regarding all the guys that are chasing them.
  • Saying no sometimes, being the leader, telling them to do things, having boundaries and reinforcing it.
  • Soft nexting them when they cross a boundary that I clearly established earlier.
  • Keep lifting!

Any advice from somebody who manages relationships like this would be much appreciated. I am also aware that, despite doing everything "right" (aka, actions that have the highest probability of keeping the attraction and keeping the plate spinning), nothing works for every scenario and with every girl. That's just the nature of the game.

Much appreciated!

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 44 points45 points  (5 children)

Is dread the only way?

Yes. Should flow naturally from always having an eye on the door, always being prepared to walk away, and never "trying to make it work" and never "investing in the relationship".

All your bullet points are spot on, OP.

Any advice from somebody who manages relationships like this would be much appreciated

I do this, and it works great. I keep my FWB's around for years, I don't get dumped.

Also: ultra non-needy and indifferent, but also passionate, hard working on my self and career. Drama or bullshit = soft next. Anything that isn't a soft next is ignored. I do the thing that's most enjoyable - if that's not her company I do something else. If she's late I go do something else, don't tell her anything. No whining. Save complaints for next time (eg "last time you were late, so text me when you get here this time"). Her behaviour has consequences, but doesn't result in me complaining whining or showing any other emotion or weakness. Accept her as she is, work with her as she is - for better and worse.

And not being exclusive. Ever.

[–]cyanidez[S] 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Thanks man.

And not being exclusive. Ever.

I hate this part every time. Don't know if you can relate, but it's the hardest thing to let go of all this Disney bs. It's hard to let go of a dream you had your entire life. Every time I integrate a little more TRP, I catch myself again hoping that I can use TRP to get this dream. It has been written about on here recently as well by other contributors. But this is the only truth - to not commit.

[–]stoicstephen 8 points9 points  (2 children)

But this is the only truth - to not commit.

Then it is not a LTR.

If you are not comfortable with commitment then don't do LTRs.

Being exclusive is not anti-TRP, being exclusive while doing the opposite of what you listed in your post is anti-TRP.

Read this series.

[–]new__vision 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seriously, that series answers 80% of LTR questions in this sub. It's some of the best content I've seen on TRP.

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much, just noticed it on the AskTRP sidebar (not on regular sub's sidebar), definitely going to study it.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

t it's the hardest thing to let go of all this Disney bs

It's hard to let go of because it's our fantasy. It's tailor made to appeal to us. It's like sugar and lipstick, it's a super-stimulus: it's fake, but we're designed to respond to it. A loyal and faithful woman who likes only us and fucks us all the time.

To make it worse, many invest their lives in this ideal. That makes it even harder to let go of: we're invested in it.

Every time I integrate a little more TRP, I catch myself again hoping that I can use TRP to get this dream.

You're doing better than most because you recognise it.

What you CAN have is a good sex life all the time. You can have girls. You can have respect.

You just can't have loyalty with one woman.

[–]Herdsengineers 11 points12 points  (2 children)

A few key points to maintaining attractive - it's summed by saying to maintain attraction, BE ATTRACTIVE. That means:

-Keep lifting and eating a good diet. Don't let yourself go. Don't let yourself get sucked into sacrificing gym time to be with her.

-Lead the relationship. But don't lead from a stand point of tyrannical power. Lead from a position of authority established through competence. In other words, have your shit together and make good leadership decisions. Let her see a man whose decisions will result in her betterment if she follows his leadership.

-Don't get clingy. Go do your own thing sometimes, and she should too.

-Don't tolerate disrespect. If she disrespects you, she loses your attention. No need to yell, cuss, etc. or get into other angry drama. Just a simple "I don't tolerate that kind of disrespect" and walk out. Deny her your presence and attention. And don't go somewhere and sulk. Go somewhere and do something productive for yourself.

-Always be building your value. Let her see it. Let her see that your are a man pursuing your mission and goals. Let her see she is not the mission and goal. Let her see that she can choose to come with you in that pursuit, but she will never take over the lead or redirect what you pursue.

-Let her know you expect her to work to build the best version of herself she can be. You are the prize and you are worth her efforts to be her best. If she isn't willing to do it, go find a woman that will. Make sure, in a polite and nice way, that she understands this.

-If it's ever clear or even questionable that she doesn't fit into the above model, don't be afraid to next her. There are hordes of women out there that want a man that operates exactly as outlined above. She will know this better than any man, and she will know that she's easily replaceable if she isn't willing to operate in the model above with you.

Never be afraid to lose her. Never be afraid to next her. She should never become a big enough part of your life that losing her destroys your life. She's part of your life, not your entire life. Keep it that way. Amazingly enough, what I've observed is that no woman worth having will ever want to be your whole life either.

Women want to come along and serve your mission with you, not be the mission. As long as you maintain this dynamic in the LTR, and progress is being made towards meeting goals and mission and she is part of serving all that with you, her pussy will stay hungry for your cock. Keep in mind, though, this is hard to maintain over a lifetime simply because it's hard for you to maintain all this yourself, all the time. There are always setbacks, difficulties, as well as just plain getting worn out and needing a rest. Expect difficulties with her during these periods, and have your own composure developed to handle her outbursts when they happen.

[–]AceBenedict23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a good word

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What an incredible reply, thank you man.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Along with the other advice you see I will caution you to expect and deal with the 60-90 day crunch. What that is is that the end of the infatuation stage will be marked by her starting some shit that will be very stupid. The prior relationship is over at that point. All the starry eyed new pussy experience shit is gone and it's just a lever to move you with bullshit.

The worst thing you can do is appease her. It will be that kind of thing. "You did/didn't do X and I'm Y".

Do not explain, do not try to fix it, do not be understanding. Do not kid yourself. The old magic is over.

You bluntly and clearly say you arent entertaining childish bullshit and withdraw. If she stays you can settle in for the long war.

This is the foundation of everything else. Fuck this up and she marks you as a bitch that can be moved and it will never fuckin end.

From there you do this other shit like lift, own your mission, lead, all that shit.

[–]cyanidez[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Crucial to realize this and keep it in the back of my mind. I will actually need to handle shit, not just cruise by on the happy honeymoon hormones because those end inevitably.

Most importantly for me is to be aware of how I tend to become comfortable and let some things slip which I shouldn't allow to slip. Stay alert, stay in control. Thanks man.

[–]BusterVadge 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You can do all of that and STILL fail to maintain attraction over a long period of time. My last LTR was almost 4 years and it was all good until maybe the last 6 months.

The sex went downhill (despite plenty of dread). Looking back, I did everything right in terms of being manly. The relationship had simply run it's course. Things got too routine, I wasn't willing to get remarried or have another kid which is what she wanted long term

At some point every woman is looking for her blue pill to raise a kid and/or provide security.

There are several reasons why she is not yours, it is just your turn. Don't try to hold on longer than you should. That was my mistake. Enjoy your turn while it lasts, then on to the next adventure.

[–]wobbleelbbow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Once a woman starts using sex as punishment, the relationships is over.

[–]FightForYourWay 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She’ll never leave you as long as she’s more emotionally invested then you are. Women only leave when they know it will hurt, if they think you’ll benefit from them leaving (you show abundance, etc.) they’ll stay joined at your hip.

[–]909throwaway100 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Treating her like a child basically, fostering a father daughter relationship and remember to DARE never DEER.

[–]Bruchibre 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Treating her like a child basically, fostering a father daughter relationship

sometimes I feel like that and I'm not sure if I like it

remember to DARE never DEER

what's DEER?

[–]KBeer01 12 points13 points  (0 children)

He's referring to this absolutely golden post.

[–]909throwaway100 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The father daughter thing is from a sidebar article on boy feelings vs man feelings. There is really no way to avoid it in a red pill LTR.

[–]wobbleelbbow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Date other women. It's the only way to keep a woman in check. As absurd as it sounds. Women do not think in logic. They think in "other girls want him, so I will want him too".

[–]jacques_cousteau007 5 points6 points  (6 children)

Include her in your mission.

Check to see if she is first mate material, to your captain.

Most women will fail during this stage.

Rinse, repeat.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Include her in your mission.

Fuck that shit.

[–]L1amas 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Were talking about LTRs here. Can you elaborate a little on why not?

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 3 points4 points  (1 child)


By "fuck that shit" I mean "don't do this".

Your mission is YOUR mission. Not hers. In most cases women will destroy everything when the relationship ends. You, your life, your mission, your friends, your job.

Ask any man who has dated a lot of women... "how many tried to destroy you afterwards?". They'll all say "half... maybe three quarters... the rest tried for a bit then gave up"

Keep your mission and your woman separate.

[–]L1amas 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I guess I misunderstood the definition of "mission". I thought that was the point of the captain/first mate (again, speaking strictly on LTRs). ie be self-sufficient, but if she is actually capable of contributing to the "mission" I wouldn't see a reason to not let her help.

Appreciate the reply - no need to respond - I'll go thru the sidebar and educate myself on the exact definition of "mission".

[–]Kommanderdude -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Obvious answer is obvious. Go sperg somewhere else.

[–]wobbleelbbow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Never do that.

[–]casemodz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't see each other too often

[–]cptgoatsack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fuck her like she's never been fucked before.

[–]freew33zy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Personally, I've kept attraction high by just openly fucking other girls.

Granted, I had a high hand to begin with--began as a plate I slowly upgraded over many months. To get me to upgrade her, she had to compromise a little. But she's a great LTR.

I break other rules of TRP to accomplish what I do. I see her more often than twice a week--usually like 5 times. She's good company, so it works. I also text her a lot more than would be recommended here--but still, it's not a task, it's fun.

So, been with her about a year and a half. HB8. Smashed 5 other girls the last year or so. Sex regularly and on-demand, will indulge any fantasy, will do threesomes (done 1), no complaints.

Key is fuck other girls (high alpha), hold frame (high alpha), give her lots of attention (high beta). Not a bulletproof plan, but it works very, very well for me.