I feel offended by my coworker offering to set me up with one of her ugly friends, any advice? (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

I work in a large office (300+ employees), a female coworker came up to me and asked me if I was single. I said yes knowing that she's married and I would not be interested in her even if she wasn't. I asked her why and she said that she was trying to set up a friend and that she thinks that I was her type. I asked her why I was her type, and she gave me a generic "she just likes guys that look like you." I told her that I am really picky, and since I am not even looking for dates or a relationship that I am probably not interested, but told to send me this girl's facebook info anyway.

Now I looked her up, this girl is a total whale, if I had to guess 250 pounds easily, from what I can tell she is a fast food worker, and that seems to be her only thing not as a way to get through school or anything. Just for the comparison, I am 6'0", 170 pounds, I lift three days a week, cardio twice a week, I work full time and go to school full time. I haven't bothered much with dating or hookups since getting divorced last year, I am just enjoying being single and improving myself, but I'm just trying to figure out why my coworker would even suggest I date that is so far out of what I would find acceptable. I wouldn't even fuck this girl after a long night of drinking.

Does my coworker think my SMV is low or is she just trying to get something for her friend more than she cares about who she asks?

[–]Yashugan00 37 points38 points  (24 children)

Wow that is an absurd situation. Likelu she's been brainwashed by 'fat acceptance', healthy at any size and believes very strongly that it's 'beauty is on the inside'. If you decline, the shaming will begin: What's wrong with you: "are you not man enough"? you owe no justification. Seems like a Hail Mary pass for her sister, she might drop it if you don't engage in the subject again.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (22 children)

This is in the Southern US, it's not even fat acceptance so much as fat normalcy. I only flirt with 1-2 girls at work and surprise surprise, one is super into fitness and could lift more than me, the other is petite and takes care of herself. That was my plan, ignore it and don't even bring it up. I don't put in much effort with girls anymore, so I don't get a lot in return, but I mentally can not settle even to be nice.

[–]Yashugan00 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Coming from a similar situation, you should absolutely meet some girls after your divorce. Does absolute wonders for your self esteem. If you're over 35, your in SMV prime years. The whole thing turns on its head. And don't be afraid to go for much younger girls, they're totally up for it. On the flip side your ex will find it surprising how much harder dating has become. Try not to gloat.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (5 children)

I am 27, so no worries there. I got braces to fix my teeth and got back in school after getting divorced, for sure I could use a self-esteem boost with girls, but I am trying to get things done and don't seem to be able to land the girls I want. My ex was in a relationship months after we got divorced, I don't live anywhere near her, but she's a pretty girl who also works hard, she had no problems finding a guy. If we were in our later 30's maybe that would be different, but mid 20's she probably fared better than me.

Maybe I am just in denial, about the whole self-improvement thing, and would have fun meeting new girls, but I haven't found a whole lot of girls I am interested in.

[–]cesafacinaicesafaci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

27 with a 21yo GF. Trust me, the younger ones go for older, mature, level-headed men.

[–]TheStumblingWolf 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Totally besides what the thread's about but did you really get braces as a 27 year old? I'm 31 years old and asked my dentist about correcting my teeth. He said it was near impossible, might not work and be very expensive.

[–]rushawa20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My dad got braces at about 45 years old. You can definitely do it.

[–]chasethecake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's nowhere near impossible, but the dentists make a load of cash off children (easy to just tell them it's not time yet and keep stacking cash), so that's their target group.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes? Why is it impossible at 31? Maybe something to due with hardening bone density if I had to guess. My orthodontist wouldn't give me the option of invisalign or anything, I've had a bad overbite, spacing and gap issues all my life, and with 8 months of braces they look tremendously better. It wasn't that expensive for me, total cost of treatment is $5,500, my insurance covers half, I pay about $120 a month with 0% interest.

[–]Entrefut 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Just tell you you can't imagine dating someone who lives a different life style from you.

[–]Yashugan00 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I remember my visit to the south, double wide doors come as standard where I was.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

People here don't eat vegetables, not that they dislike them, they just as a way of living won't eat them. Everything is deep friend, and seems like everyone exists on a diet of junk food, fast food and friend foods. Most people don't see obesity as a problem, to them it's just how people are shaped

[–]1RPSigmaStigma 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I live in the south and people love veggies here! Fried okra, french fries, fried green tomatoes, coleslaw... :P

[–]dagar_the_dragon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Don't forget mac'n'cheese! That's a veggie in the south too!

[–]TestosTyrone1 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Is your coworker fat too?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

She is. A good majority of them are.

[–]TestosTyrone1 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Do you think she might want to fuck you but dont know if you are into fat girls?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Probably not.

[–]fack_yo_couch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

fat acceptance so much as fat normalcy

Fucking kek. I remember I was went to Dollywood a long ass time ago and it was literally whales everywhere. The Japanese would've made a killing! I literally saw one cute girl there, but then she turned around and bloop goes her beer belly out from the bottom of her shirt.

[–]jackandjill22 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The southern United States is unbelievably depressing for a variety of reasons but especially the choices for females to Fuck. Feel for 'y'all' Fam.

[–]GreatWhiteCuck -4 points-3 points  (3 children)

A girl lifts more than you? Unless she is a pro power or oly lifter then that is shameful.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Not even. If I'm a beginning lifter and she's done it for a few years, it's pretty reasonable. She has a good body and isn't bulky at all, we were comparing lifts and if she's not exaggerating I couldn't get any where near her squats or deadlift right now. Her bench is only slightly better than mine, but it's not a contest anyway.

[–]GreatWhiteCuck -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

Beginner lifter, there's your problem right there.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lol, no one starts out an expert bro.

[–]30fretibanezguy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Are you not man enough?" "It's more a case of she's not woman enough"

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (4 children)

She's trying to push the feminine imperative of getting high value males locked down and controlled within her social circle.

She thinks highly enough of you that she wants you stuck in her social network. She probably also hamsters that shes doing you a favour by setting you up with a girl you could keep (as it must be hell for you to be single when you could be in a LTR, that's the dream, right?).

Also trying to help her fat friend.

Anyway, politely avoid the topic if it comes up, or say that in a relationship you expect someone who can go mountain climbing or some other obviously impossible activity for the whale.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That was how I thought of the situation as well. Now I don't consider myself high value, but I am working on getting there. I am very okay with progress for now. I figured since I was not the one asking for the setup, she must also find me attractive. But seeing as these girls hang out according to Facebook, yeah that seems like the idea, that if I dated this girl, it implies we would hang out.

The girl who asked just got married, her husband seems pretty beta from what I can tell. She complained to me the other day that he plays video games when he has free time rather than spending it with her. I personally like video games in moderation, and told her that maybe she should find her own hobbies if she needed something to keep herself occupied.

I am just going to ignore the whole thing, and if she does directly ask me, I'll just say she's not my type and give no specifics.

[–]DeepRelay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

High Value isn't necessarily current value. For women it's like a stock and when they see a sure thing they'll try to lock it down. You have ambition, looks, and sounds like a bit of swag. Basically everything to become a leader in your career.

[–]GreatWhiteCuck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, tell her you need a woman who loves to snowboard regularly

[–]PM_ME_UR_GRUNDLE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anyway, politely avoid the topic if it comes up, or say that in a relationship you expect someone who can go mountain climbing or some other obviously impossible activity for the whale.

LOL yes!

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (5 children)

It doesn't matter why your coworker is trying to set you up with a woman you're not attracted to. What matters is whether you want to go out with this woman or not. What matters is what you want.

If you're not interested, and it sounds like you're not, just say "I am not interested, thanks very much"

She'll say "how come? She's so NICE! She's so COOL!"

You reply "I am not interested."

She'll say "It's cause she's fat, right? ASSHOLE!"

"I'm not interested."

You just keep saying that. "I am not interested." "I don't want to." You do not owe anyone any justification or reasons for why you don't want to or are not interested. You're not interested. That's all you have to say.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Yeah that's how I would expect the conversation to play out, so that's how I am going to reply for sure.

[–]hamstercide 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I'd go with "she's not my type" for the second answer instead of repeating "I'm not interested" like an autistic robot.

[–]TomHicks 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or he could go with "I don't like the idea of being set up for a date. It creeps me out."

[–]jonknownothing 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice conscience there. Most people here will just eat this shit and thinking every alpha can do this. The best way is just saying you don't have time to do dates now and focused on your job. I bet she will stop nagging you

[–]assured_destruction -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would STFU and smile after the first "I am not interested."

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Setting people up is a hobby for married people. Sometimes, the only thing that the folks being set up have in common is that they are single. Oh, and as you get older this shit starts happening more and more, usually without your knowledge or consent. You show up to what you think is just going to be a normal party and suddenly the hostess is trying to hook you up with her fucking friend. And if you tell me the truth, that her friend is a fucking ghastly cow, you'll get a lecture about what a nice person she is and how your standards are too high. I've seen it happen 1000 times.

In my 20s, one of my buddies had a girlfriend, later his wife, who is actually really good at picking out women I would like. But that's the exception not the rule. Basically most of them just throw bodies at their ugly friends hoping that someone will stick.

So yeah, don't get too worked up over this. The married chick was just trying to do a solid for her fugly friend.

[–]machimus 14 points15 points  (4 children)

You're just like the hot girl that gets bitchy because you dared to talk to her. Try not to be a sore winner.

I can understand why you're not interested, but why are you wasting energy being offended?

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Yeah you're right, if I am offended, it's me being insecure.

[–]rabbitriven 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Yeah, I'm kinda confused here. Why the fuck would you be offended?

The girl wanted to help her friend out, and thought she could set her up with some guys who she knows, and probably of high value.

This isn't some kind of conspiracy against you lmao...

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Yeah now that everyone brings up this point, she probably was thinking she was doing her friend a favor rather than me.

[–]machimus 10 points11 points  (0 children)

+1 Self awareness

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Does my coworker think my SMV is low or is she just trying to get something for her friend more than she cares about who she asks?

Stop taking women so seriously. Treat them like children, and regard anything they say as coming from a child.

If the five-year-old daughter of a fat train wreck of a tattooed single mom said to you "You and mommy should get married."... would you be offended?

Of course not. She's just a little girl who wants a daddy, and for mommy to have a handsome husband and be happy. She doesn't think about your welfare or your feelings, because she's five years old.

Women are like that, too. We are the adults to them. They never worry about our welfare, because on some unconscious level, they see us as invulnerable. A five year old doesn't worry about if daddy is going to be sad, or get hurt, because daddy is daddy, and daddy is big and strong and can beat up superman.

Whatever you want from women, you have to demand from them as a condition of your attention. Never wait for them to spontaneously consider your needs.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Should have just told her that you appreciate it but that you don't mix business with private stuff.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's actually a good line.

[–]SomeoneSeeksPurpose 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Some people are just like that, they know a single girl and a single guy and think "Hey, why don't we match them up, they are both available", completely disregarding all other factors than being single.

Gf of a friend of mine tried to set me up twice. One was a unmotivated cc-riding fatty, the other was just fat. Both awkward as well. I did not want to date them after meeting them, now my friend and his gf shame me for being too picky. Fuck off.

[–]ronsoness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

THIS. i've been caught in this situation before and it's really stupid. i once was set up with a girl that could barely speak english. another one, i was set up with a devout christian, while i'm atheist. at least with online dating you can find common interests, hobbies, views, religion, etc. i think these random friend introductions are also a way to lead to a passionless marriage usually due to a fear of being alone and/or fulfilling societal expectations.

[–]GC0W30 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Some men are like me. Maybe she thought you were.

Nature has given me an insatiable appetite for women of child-bearing years. I can be thrilled with a hot mess of a crazy fat bitch as long as she's a cum-swallowing cock-fiend.

It isn't good for me, it isn't healthy, but I don't really mind a 300-pounder. I'll wind up LTRing a girl skinnier than that, but I can absolutely enjoy a fat woman's pussy, complete with its temperature hotter than the center of the sun.

I'm 3 or 4 times more marketable than I was a decade ago, but this hasn't changed.

I wouldn't be upset. She's not able to know that you have sexual self-respect.

[–]ihateyouguys 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How is it not healthy or good for you? You like what you like, apparently you just have more options than the rest of us.

[–]GC0W30 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I spend too much time fucking, and I don't have as much motivation to get fit as I could if I felt compelled to... not fuck 3s.

[–]knightSwolaire 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Decline, "she's not my type." And do not engage further when shamed or asked why

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Got it.

[–]InChargeMan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't respond, but if she asks, tell her you recently started a relationship. BUT, you know a nice plump fella you could pass along info for.

[–]wadebarlow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seems fairly straight forward. You're working and schooling full time. If you want to avoid upsetting anyone, feed her some line about it not being fair to her friend with how busy you are and you won't be able to give her the attention she deserves.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"Im letting you know now that i am not a fan of anyone who cant take care of themselves"

She brings the job/money bit into it

"I meant physically i dont care about money or job titles just take care of your health, if she cant do somthing as simple as that im not interested"

You may come off as an asshole but i bet my dick the married girl will want your dick.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't want the married girl tbh. Also I do care about a girl who has ambition. I have no plan to be any girl's meal ticket and if a girl also has no ambitions or hobbies then she def. isn't my type.

[–]lanky32 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your co-worker definitely does not think you to be of high SMV. That being said, decline her offer to set you up assertively without explicitly telling her that you don't date fatties.

This is not to not hurt her, I don't care about that, this is to protect yourself from your co-worker, you explicitly tell her that you don't date fatties and being the fatty that she herself is, trust her to spread bullshit about you, which is never good in a corporate environment.

[–]InformalCriticism 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Women love playing match maker.

I have been in medical facilities where middle-aged women have said, "if my daughter wasn't married, I'd give you her number". Dumb really does go that far. It's like, clearly I'm here for medical treatment, and you want me to give you a grandchild? Unprofessional covers it, but just barely.

If this is your first encounter with women being too familiar in the workplace, count yourself lucky.

The best advice I can give you is what I use, myself, but I'll follow up with more specific advice.

"Find out what women in your workplace like, and what they don't like. Then, do neither."

Be as unassuming as possible not to "trigger" their emotions. Saying something like "I'm too picky", even if it's true is going to make them hate you. You can play cute and unassuming so many different ways not to slam the door, yet turn them away.

"I'm still getting over my divorce" (negative vibe, might gain sympathy when gossiped)

"I'm not really looking for a relationship" (neutral)

"Oh, that's so flattering, I just wish I had the time for something like that" (positive)

All of these are so easily defensible positions, and keeps everything smooth without damaging your reputation.

Just remember, these match-makers are self-serving their personal relationships when they approach you. You are nothing more than an accessory to their social life, even in that moment they offer to hook you up with their friend(s). When boiled all the way down, it's a disgusting practice, especially when it feels like a cold call in sales. Disrespect on a very real level.

Keep lifting, it sounds like you're able to recognize bullshit when you see it, even if you don't smell it coming. If you have any more questions like this, don't hesitate to ask; it's rare to see someone on the right track, but facing situations like this.

If you want to take anything from it positive, take it as a compliment, and ask yourself why the hot girl isn't trying to hook you up with her hot friends, and make some new personal goals.

You eat the elephant one bite at a time.

You hike the mountain one step at a time.

Self discovery starts and ends with you.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Set her up with one of your fat friends.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I try not to have any.

[–]LLL3peat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can say you are single but you met someone over the weekend. I think she might be the one and leave it at that. Thank her for showing you her friend though

[–]SexySmexxy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you scared to say no or something?

Tell your friend you don't want to, end of.

You seem old enough since you're divorced, tell her you're not interested in her and get on with your life.

[–]Momo_dollar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Protect your rep at all costs. If you go on a date , even just to be polite, your rep can get damaged, if you reject and say why truthfully your rep will get damaged.

[–]nummas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's simple. Just ignore it and don't bring it up unless she asks what you think, just say you are not interested and of you need to bullshit to get her off yoir back tell her you are interested in someone else, not from work. But don't sound offended when you answer to avoid her getting all pissy. This is your place of income and you don't want any tension.

[–]michael_wilkins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is how Girls feel when ugly or weird dudes hit on them.

Don't respond as a Girl would. Saying "Ew she looks creepy/fat/ugly" is not how you can respond.

[–]The__Tren__Train 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No need to be offended, just have a chuckle and move on.

You aren't top 20%, and neither is her fat friend. So in co-worker's mind, you are perfect for each other.

(This means you need to work harder on improving yourself)

[–]Aardopossadillo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I were to guess, she is relying on the fact that a lot of guys would just fuck anything even without commitment. Female SMV determines if someone commits, not if they will fuck you. So it isn't that outlandish. Still, I wouldn't fuck a whale either, but there are a lot of reasonable looking guys that would.

[–]blackedoutfast 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't take it personally. It's not about thinking you have a low SMV, she is overestimating her friend's SMV. They are friends, so your coworker obviously thinks uglyfriend has some good characteristics or whatever. She knows you're single and seem like a cool guy, so why not ask you? Maybe you have a fetish for ugly chicks or you will see past her appearance and lover her for her personality and all that.

Just say you aren't ready for a serious relationship right now, don't say her friend is too fat and ugly for you lol.

[–]brooklynisburnin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The entitlement is real, don't sweat it brother, there's thousand of those entitled women that, regardless of your SMV or the SMV that you "display", are going to assume any women is good enough for any guy, just because.

I'd laugh at her face tbh, but considering it's a work environment declining politely seems more reasonable.

[–]hamstercide 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shrug it off. It's just some random thing some idiot did. If she asks, tell her you're not interested. If she asks why, say she's not your type.

[–]beginner_ 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think you handled it well enough. If the topic ever comes up again just tell here you wanted to not offend her and let her down easy but now you are being direct.


  • After your divorce you are absolutely not interested in relationships at this point.
  • You never mix work and relationships, meaning if it goes wrong "our relationship" will be negatively affected as well.

And if fat shaming occurs say you never even looked at her facebook.

For the future I would always say you don't mix work and relationships. And you really should not. If you already have abundance mentality you won't fear missing out anyway and if you do not, you can be 100% certain you will not like what you will see. Why would a good looking chick require help from her friends to land a good man? She is fat, ugly or crazy or all 3 of them. always.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All really good points. I wouldn't say I have abundance mentality at this point, but I am not desperate for female attention either. I haven't gotten laid in a while, but I wouldn't even feel like putting in effort to take a girl out unless she's like a 7+.

[–]JamesSkepp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If they thought your SMV was low, they wouldn't go for you. It's the opposite.

[–]meh613 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank her and move on. This is not the place to make enemies.

[–]DiebytheSword666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't feel offended if I were you. Just remember that a lot of women have a strong sense of entitlement. (He must be in shape! He must be 6'0" or taller!)

I'd just tell your coworker that you're not interested. Do not even mention anything about her weight being the issue. If one coworker heard you say, "Oh, I don't like overweight women," you can guarantee that they'll go to H.R., complaining that you're making rude comments about female bodies or some b.s. like that.

[–]rattamahatta 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Don't ever be "offended", that one's for SJWs and their protected classes. You should be grateful for this valuable assessment of your SMV, which is zero. You're not a meal ticket – yet. This is the type of girl they think you deserve. She wouldn't try to hook up Brad Pitt with her, would she. So what, you're 6'0" and healthy. So are millions of other guys. What car do you drive, does your family have wealth or are you at least a big bad motherfucker, with great chin and tattoos all over? Are other guys afraid of you, do they at least respect you? Not with that "I'm offended" shit. Guess what, your SMV ain't shit. This is where you're at, and it's why you're angry. Had you not encountered TRP you would probably think nothing of it. Source: am 6'0", 165 pounds, decent looking, no SMV to speak of, nobody's fault but my own. Sorry if I offended you ;)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I drive a Toyota Corolla motherfucker. Get on my level.

[–]rattamahatta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't even have that. Only women interested in me are single moms or 5 years older. So either they are overestimating their SMV or I do mine. Or a bit of both.

[–]___Jamie___ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]redditatt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I find that the girl doing the setting up is usually higher on the 10-scale than the one being set up.

Don't overthink this one- she's just trying to help her friend out. I don't think it would help you score in the future, but if it were me I would say something to the woman who tried to set up, but that's me- I'm just curious as to the story behind it and how she would reason through it.

Could also be an opportunity to help your fellow human. Be blunt and tell the woman who tried to set you up that if this girl wants a man she needs to change her life and lose weight.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just tell her that you don't want to blur any lines by dating her friend. I wouldn't date a co-worker's friend, no matter how hot or great she is. If the relationship doesn't work out, it could make things awkward between you and the coworker.

[–]Officer_Dick_Johnson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When she asked "Are you single?" you should've said that you are dating, that this non existing girl might be the one. Basically just make precedent that you're not interested/taken, maybe then she'll fuck off for good.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children)

This sounds like it just has to be some kind of joke

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I swear it isn't bro. I took a temporary ego hit, I was thinking what the fuck, is that the type of girl people think I would go for.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, well, my personal view is that most people (especially women) are annoying fucking idiots. Best advice here is just to say "no, thanks" and never talk about it again.