How to develop a personality that people like to be around? (self.asktrp)

submitted by resnine

I know this question is autistic and sperg as can be... in my life there have been a few people that have liked being around me, but these were tistic and sperg types, socially weird, you get the point. What is it about a person that most people like? I know this varies by individual. But there has to be a general thing that most people like. How does one cultivate this into their personality? to mold yourself into a person that a lot of people like to be around? I believe we all have that special something that makes us unique and we must cultivate that as much as we can, but I am not sure how to boost that special something more. Also don't want to be the type that is SO NICE that people start taking advantage of me, which happened in the past, I was too accommodating and friendly that people didn't take me serious. I know there are entire books written on this subject but would like to hear other's inputs. What is it that attracts a lot of people around you? how do you develop that? everyone is different, almost like an indescribable trait, when people don't have it you notice "it" but when they have "it" you know it.

[–]2chazthundergut 80 points81 points  (11 children)

Here is how I do it:

  1. Learn people's names. The moment you meet someone, make a point to remember their name. This is number one for me.

  2. Look people in the eye, shake their hand firmly, and smile. And call them by their name.

  3. When you're talking to people, stop thinking about the next thing you're going to say and focus on listening to what they are saying. Most people have a terrible habit of simply waiting for their own turn to speak instead of actually focusing on their communication partner.

  4. When you see someone you know, the moment you make eye contact flash them a big smile and go straight up to them and say "Hey name how's it going?"

  5. Once you've become acquainted with a guy and think he'd be a good friend, take the lead and invite him along for something fun. Chicks bond over sitting around chatting, but men bond over shared experience and struggle. So plan a hike or surfing or something like that. Or just invite him to join you for a workout.

That should be a good start for now.

You should also pick up that book How to Win Friends and Influence People

[–]EhzmwGGh 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I am so guilty of #3. Every time someone says something interesting I have an itch to reply to that and unless I am given space a lot of my "computing power" goes into thinking about what I want to say. How do you avoid that? Do you just go with 'if I still remember it by the time it's my turn it's probably worth addressing if not whatever'?

[–]gekkone 4 points5 points  (2 children)

You should always focus on the other person. If you have something in your mind you want to say and it’s related to the topic, go ahead. You could also ask a question, steering the conversation to the topic you want to discuss about.

Think about it like a branch, there’s the root, and then it continues to several different smaller branches. Once you go through the whole smaller branch (ie. Done talking about it) just back up to the larger branch and select another one (the one that was on your mind earlier)

[–]EhzmwGGh 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Yes though with some people I find it hard to insert my insight or question, they seem to be going and going without a break.

[–]gekkone 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If they do that, simply lift your finger up and look at them in the eye, they will know what’s up and will give you room to share. (Still, don’t interrupt them, let them finish. Let the other person save face by letting him finish what he started.)

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Dude. That is the most accurate description of the most salient points of my former boss who is the most charismatic, most well-connected, most successful guy I have ever met, and whom I have been trying to emulate ever since. The attitude that makes you feel like he's your most trusted pal and you'd do anything to help.

Will copy this.

Two points I would add (and that my former boss has):

  1. Being ultra competent at what you do. Men derive a lot of respect for someone if they're really good at what they do.

  2. Be positive. Never complain about anything, or only lightheartedly, before going back to being positive.

One other thing about 5: extra points if you invite someone along for something he wants to do, or do something that benefits him in some way. But if you applied your point 3 and actually listened to them, you should know what they want that you can offer.

[–]2chazthundergut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Two very good points

[–]resnine[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I sort of do those at a minor degree. I am operating on a lower frequencies and am not overt/out-going enough. Don't have a lot of stuff in my brain to bring up. Like fun, interesting, exciting thins that's happen to me in the past or fun, interesting, exciting things that will happen in the future. I don't control my life I just let it unfold and I realize this is such a mistake. I forget where I read it but it goes like if you don't control your life you'll fall into someone else's plan.

[–]Savagesymfonik 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was going to recommend the same book. Your comment made me think of it as soon as I read #3

[–]123undeuxtrois123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you should make a post about this

[–]TrenGod37 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man 3 has been so hard for me to curb. I always am more interested in what I have to say than what they have to say. I guess it’s just been programmed in me. And if I don’t say it when I think of it. Or hold it in my mind. I will always forget what I was going to say

[–]Thunderfin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep... basically 4/5 your points are from that book, which I read too. Good source and recommendation.

[–]mwise003 19 points20 points  (6 children)

People like to talk about themselves and their life. Just ask them questions and take a genuine interest in what they are saying. When/if their eyes light up on a particular subject, ask them more about it.

[–]resnine[S] 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Yeah this works, but the thing I always feel is that they begin dominating the conversation. Like it's not an even exchange, it's just them talking about themselves. A conversation should be a two-way street.

[–]gekkone 9 points10 points  (2 children)

My most deep conversations happen when I just ask questions about the other person and his desired topic.

It’s funny when someones so passionate about something that he doesn’t even notice to be the only one speaking.

Usually, when I just listen and am interested, the other person remembers the conversation even after two months and tells me how great of a conversation it was. So, just go with it.

I’ve made more friends by listening than trying to be the center of attention.

Tip: when listening, be interested (ask that kind of questions about the topic that interest you also, that way you don’t get bored)

If you are done talking, but he isn’t, just tell him ”It was nice to meet you X, let’s continue on this some other time! Have a nice day.” Or something along those lines, this way you let him save face and he’ll still get the point he was too eager about it.

[–]resnine[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I just don't want to be the passive type in the conversation role, where they do all the speaking and I contribute nothing. I've been like that my whole life, it almost feels like abuse. As extreme as that sounds.

[–]gekkone 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The most important step I took when I overcame that was to actually listen to what the other person says, and then think what you want to say, not what you’re going to say. It makes a huge difference, I mean really, you can wait 2 seconds to gather your ideas in your head and speak up.

Just make sure you aren’t trying to one-up anyone, that’s something that cost me a lot of promising friendships when I first started learning about social dynamics.

Just have fun with it. Remember to make statements after the other person stops talking, then wait the other persons response to your statement and continue to talk about your topic.

[–]mwise003 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Well yes, but as an ice breaker, start with them talking. Hopefully you will find a common interest and then you can give your thoughts on the same subject. If they constantly dominate, then maybe they aren't worth being friends with...

Also know that sometimes people dominate conversations because they are insecure. My wife in group setting gets nervous and when she's nervous she won't stop talking....

[–]resnine[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True. Everyone is different, some do it because they are nervous others do it because they get off. I just need to learn how to draw a line and set boundaries between when they talk and when I talk. Like playing catch.

[–]NewHum 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As someone who used to be horrible at this and is now amazing at it here are some quick tips

  • Treat absolutely everyone with respect and take small interest about what they’re doing

I think Sage Northcut ( the UFC fighter) is the best possible example of this and I do the exact same thing. Be careful to not be the guy who is to nice so people try to step on you (boundaries are important) but still be nice to people. Being nice to people and taking an interest in their lifes starts a chain reaction of people being nice to you because you’re nice to them. It gets even better when others see how everyone is super nice to you which automatically makes you the guy who everyone likes.

  • learn to be a touchy person

There is a direct correlation on how much you touch people and how much they like you and enjoy being around you. You will need to spend a lot of time practicing it so it doesn’t come of as weird and creepy but when it’s done correctly it works absolute wonders.

The secret here is to make sure that you touch everyone you meet or you will look like creep if you only want to touch specific people. The other secret is to make it feel good and make it short. For guys you should indulge in short nice taps on the shoulder or back (don’t hit them), high fives and of course fist bumps.

For girl you can do all of the stuff that works on guys but you can also add some gentle squeeze of the shoulder (be gentle and never hover). You can also do something what I call the “akimbo shoulder squeeze (I have way to much time in life haha)” which is when you come from the behind and give them a gentle, short shoulder squeeze. You can best use this when coming past them or when they are sitting down as you come to the table or something. One thing to know is that you shouldn’t do this to the girls your not quite familiar with or it can be highly creepy.

There is a lot to learn in regards to touching so you should do your own research. This was just a small taste.

  • Have fun for yourself

This one is the most important one! People loooooovvee fun people who go around life having fun and being positive. People have stressful lifes so who doesn’t want to have a friend who can make any situation fun and less boring.

The important thing to know here is to never be a clown. A clown is someone who wants to pretend to be fun to impress and entertain others people. What you need to become is a guy who just is fun and doesn’t care if there are other with him. He has fun with his life and just let’s people join if they so wish. He’s not there to impress people and tell jokes to make others laugh.

He has fun being it makes his own life better and jokes because it makes himself laugh. Others are merely there because they’re along for the ride. That’s the guy you want to be!!!!

There is obviously a lot more stuff but I master those three things and I really think you’ll already be in the top 10% of likable people.

Good luck man:)

[–]mchilds83 4 points5 points  (5 children)

My concern here is that to be somebody that everybody likes, you must live your life like a politician. You hold your cards close and don't air your political views, or any serious views which are divisive. For me, life isn't worth living if I must be fake or withhold my true colours so I'm fine with a small cult following of sincere friends versus a shallow mainstream crowd.

[–]resnine[S] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

That's the part I want to cultivate, not the whole "EVERYONE LOVE ME EVERYONE LOOK AT ME", but to the point where a cluster of people are a fan of me and who I am, and that generally speaking a lot of people enjoy my company. I know I cannot please everyone and to be that way is a total mistake. Some people will love me, some people will hate me. I feel like I am at the point where I don't have haters, but I also don't have lovers, I just have a load of people that are indifferent to me.

[–]midnightreider 0 points1 point  (3 children)

You need to establish a reputation within a circle of people, and that likely takes a little time to develop. Unless you’re very tall, extremely good looking, and stupid charismatic, you’re not going to become that person upon immediately meeting people. Take others’ advice on listening to people and getting to know them during conversations. Few people genuinely listen to others, so when you do that, you’re winning big time. Once you have built some great rapport with a few guys in a particular circle, they’ll talk you up within that circle when you aren’t around. Be the guy who everyone agrees is a great conversationalist and is a great time. You’ll find yourself being invited to bars, camping trips, etc within a circle. Work on your sense of humor and storytelling and you’re set. For example, you’re at a bar with your group when someone goes “hey resnine, tell us about the time x happened.” If you can tell that story and make everyone laugh, you’re scoring major social points. If there are women in the group, you’re king in their eyes at this level. A lot of my success with women was the group storytelling route, especially when it was the first time we had met. You are in control and have the attention of every person in the circle, and if you’re interesting and funny, you are subconsciously displaying high amounts of mastery and confidence. Your social proof is through the roof in these scenarios.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Absolutely. That is something I am working on. I have always been the one that had a few good stories because couldn't deliver them right OR I'd forget a crucial part of the story OR I'd ramble on into the un-important parts. People want instant gratification, be it in movies, tv shows, music, they want it all right now. Storytelling is an art I want to get good at. Any tips/tricks to this artform?

[–]midnightreider 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First thing I would say is be confident and happy to tell the story. Don’t think if it as a challenge you need to pass to win over the people listening. Be in the mindset that you’re a cool and interesting guy, and what happened is hilarious and crazy. This sounds nuts, but it works for me. I imagine myself as an old man with a million crazy stories. Somehow it keeps me from overemphasizing parts of the story and feeling in control of the situation. I sometimes see guys get way too into it and they look goofy, so i avoid that and my trick always gets me the most laughs. Practice and observe others when they tell stories to see what garners the best reactions.


[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. That is something I am working on. I have always been the one that had a few good stories because couldn't deliver them right OR I'd forget a crucial part of the story OR I'd ramble on into the un-important parts. People want instant gratification, be it in movies, tv shows, music, they want it all right now. Storytelling is an art I want to get good at. Any tips/tricks to this artform?

[–]DBsix 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was thinking about this today. And I reached a conclusion. People who end up thinking of themselves as "spergy" or similar, don't realise that their sperginess also gives them certain qualities and tools against the problems said sperginess causes.

First realise that while these forums will give you a lot of great advice, it will still be stuff that applies to the general population, and does not consider many other variables that affect a human being, like early childhood experiences, family and growing up situation, teenage experiences, etc etc. These are unique to every individual, and so you will have to figure out many things on your own through trial and error. If you don't take this journey on your own, you will simply never get there. Progress will be discouragingly slow, and most give up and surrender to the shadow of the sperg.

Your sperginess is a great gift as well if you know how to look at it like one. Because sperginess is anxiety, a desperate fear of unknown situations and new people. Spergs will spend hours sub/consciously planning and analysing situations for this reason. It gives them the feeling of security, which is a prerequisite to the feeling of confidence.

So spergs need to make their need to plan and analyse as a weapon. They need to consciously do it for their benefit, rather than making it debilitate them at a subconscious level.

Take a pen and paper. Write down the problem. Write down what all steps have you taken, and things that you have tried till now to solve the problem. Then think and plan the next thing you want to try, to solve this issue. Try it for some time. Write what went good and what went bad. Then plan the next step and do the same with it. Amazing insight will be gained through this process, and generally a spergy guy will enjoy this kind of stuff, as well as get massive benefits from it. You will eventually reach a point where you will solve this issue to a level that you are happy with it, and then move on to the next higher level problem in your life.

Also, wear your sperginess as a badge of honor. Utilise the fuck out of your spergy gift at every aspect of it. Fall in love with it. You will become a good percentage more attractive just by this itself. Because the people who appreciate these qualities in others will be able to see that in you straight away. Sperginess is value in survival terms if it is embraced and loved, and used as a tool for self growth. Women are designed to recognize value in men. They will love to Netflix and chill with your super sexy sperg cock, soon enough.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Always found it super easy to meet guy friends before my Low T/depression life began. Now that I've awakened i'm coming back to normal my social skills are coming back 'muscle memory'.

What i do is, when i meet people i always remember their name and engage them in their interests then listen attentively. I show interest in what they have to say, their experiences and empathize. If there's commonality I will 'relate' to them through my experience to build rapport. Once rapport has been established I will ask them to hang out at some point, coordinate logistics and voila!

Women think men can bond over anything and i tend to agree. I can bond with a homie over pretty much anything just because i listen very well, never judge/critique and joke around (depending on how sensitive the dude seems like)

[–]_the_shape_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Women think men can bond over anything and i tend to agree.

I've got to hand it to women - they're naturals in that domain:

"OMG! Where did you get this sOoOoper cute shirt girl!?"

I have little doubt that that exact opener (and similar variations) is responsible for fuck knows how many BFFs. Gay dudes own in that department as well.

[–]FemtoG 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Rule #1: look good
Rule #2: look good
Rule #3: have style

etc etc with regards to aesthetics. and try to be around cool people.

now onto the deeper ways:

  1. be nonjudgmental
  2. be empathetic
  3. know when to be vulnerable


also have a good understand of what your type of people is. you cant love everyone and you will always have natural enemies.

also being nice is completely uncorrelated with having boundaries. the fact you feel pressure in this sphere is autistic. you can just be nice, and say no nicely when you want to.

[–]bigbodybuilderr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I work at a pretty wealthy country club and many members love me (thats means more tips)

What I do is I make sure to remember their names and ask about their lives

[–]IronJohnKwando 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Offer value. Compliment people on their strengths. Provide good times create good memories/stories to tell in the future.

[–]Thunderfin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie, for bro-to-bro and professional relationships.

Also don't want to be the type that is SO NICE that people start taking advantage of me, which happened in the past, I was too accommodating and friendly that people didn't take me serious.

Read NMMNG for girl-boy relationships. Set boundaries. Say what you like and what you agree/disagree with.

[–]saggygooch20 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Spazzy boi here. Looking for similar information.

[–]RedPillAlphaBigCock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Step one is build your self up - be disciplined in your passions, eat and lift and take care and love yourself - step 2 is talk about them and really listen

[–]Morphs_ 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Besides the obvious stuff (be positive, listen and be interested in the other person), there's also level of charisma that is hard to develop.

I know a guy that had this type of charisma. Best PUA I've ever seen and having this magnetic effect on people. Even we guys wanted to be around him. It's like his SMV was so high that we all wanted a piece of that energy. I always had this feeling that he possessed some kind of knowledge and being around him would lift me to that level.

He was kind of ADHD though, so he was always on the move, doing stuff. Maybe that was another thing I found so appealing about him, he was basically gaming us by having limited availability. Or maybe we were just one step below him on the ladder so there was a slight difference in social standing, he could teach us, but we couldn't really teach him something.

Doing lots of different things is definitely also an important factor. Developing all kinds of skills fanatically (dancing, languages, etc.) and putting yourself in all kinds of adventures (travel). All these experiences make you a more interesting person, the experience and subsequent wisdom will radiate and signals people that you are interesting.

[–]resnine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like some of that stuff you are simply born with and other things are developed. He had worked hard, or was inherently interested in getting good at socializing. He found out what worked and what didn't work early on, keep the good eliminated the bad. This is why being social early on is so crucial, when you naturally enjoy talking and being around people you will foster that type of energy. But if you are an introvert and naturally feel drained in those type of situations you wont try to get good with socializing, you'll just avoid them, because it doesn't give you a good feeling. Extroverts are naturally going to have the upper-hand at gaming women. At least that's been my understanding. And I think anyone who denies this is deceiving themselves, with the bias that introverts are super humans with secret powers, it's simply a bias, because we want to believe it (not reality). Look at someone like Russel Brand, alpha and social as fuck. He's the type that is always on the go and loves to understand social dynamics and how that whole social realm works. He truly seems like a master of social dynamics, and knows just what to say at just the right time. He probably was like that since a child. Constantly gaining social feedback, interacting with people/children, figuring out what works and what doesn't. Clocked tens of thousands of hours of practice socializing and gaining social feedback to developed a personality that won everyone over. There is also that point where it seems like you are trying to hard to impress others and not doing it for yourself, which I honestly believe Russel brand does not come off as. He seems to just be enjoying his life and what he is doing, because he likes doing it. That guy has a social mastery, and a whiz with words/word play.