Handling female roommate who is "uncomfortable" with me bringing girls back. (self.asktrp)

submitted by aptway

Moved into a place a week 1/2 ago with a Chinese female roommate. Thanks to TRP, I'm pulling more girls than I ever have before, and brought one back to the apartment last night. We fuck for a little over an hour or so and by the end it's 4AM due to the time change, and then I get this the next morning:

"As a roommate, i feel uncomfortable about you bringing dates back to our apartment. I hope that is not asking too much. Like I am ok if you bring a friend over to hang out. If you are considering starting a relationship and bringing your gf over we should also talk about that and have a meet and greet or something. I am not trying to dictate or judge at all, I just want to let you know my expectations and if it's different from yours, then we need to resolve it. :) "

Now keep in mind that her boyfriend was also there this weekend, and it's expected that he'll be there 1-2 times a month, so expecting me to never have anyone over is a bit hypocritical.

Right now I'm planning to sit down with her and go over what my expectations are, which are that I take full responsibility for anybody I bring over to the apartment and into my room. I'm ok with setting a cutoff time for fucking, but I'll be damned if I'm going to put my newly-burgeoning sex life on hold because it makes her feel "uncomfortable." Women trying to control men's sexuality. Fuck that noise.

UPDATE: All she basically had to say was that she didn't like have random people over at a frequent rate. I told her that's how dating is these days, and made no promise that I would decrease the frequency at which I'm seeing girls. All that got was a "well, I need to sit and think about how I feel about this." By the end of the conversation, she conceded not to have a hardline stance on "no girls" coming back. When I said I would take full responsibility for who I bring back, that seemed to ease things. I suspect it may be she just doesn't like that type of lifestyle and/or is jealous that she isn't getting any on the same degree of frequency, so I think this probably won't be the last of it.

I did say that I would only use our place as a last resort and would be more considerate about noise/how late I'm having girls over. Had a long talk with her afterward about relationships and her career, situated myself as more of a friend and built some rapport with her. Sounds like she's going to be single soon anyway, so then the shoe may be on the other foot. We talked for awhile about life, relationships, and career. She was telling me about her old ex-boyfriend who was "perfect" and would've said yes if he had proposed. I asked her why it ended- "we weren't intimate anymore." Pook was right, perfect is boring. Current BF is a betabux that lives in SF- he came down and visited the past weekend and I saw him just sitting on the bed in her room while she was on the computer.

TLDR: Going to keep bringing girls back, told her i'd let her know if i'm doing so and would take responsibility of them and not be fucking too loudly at too late of hours. It likely isn't 100% resolved. Probably not gonna renew the lease with her at the end of the year though if we make it that long.

[–]bbqamazing 72 points73 points  (7 children)

Could be she's just a little uneasy with strangers in the place frequently. She seems like she'd be comfortable if she knew the person. Not saying you should stop, but I have had things go missing during a time when a former roommate would constantly be inviting friends over.

You're sharing space. And you clearly didn't establish this before your sex life improved. Personally, I think the best solution would be to find another like minded male roommate once your lease is up. Or live alone.

In the meantime, have an honest conversation. This woman is not your gf, wife or daughter. You don't have any authority over her. If there are some weird feminist feelings behind her discomfort, address that. But it may be far less sinister, and you should at least find out first which it is.

[–]dropkickoz 3 points4 points  (5 children)

I own my place and rent out two of the rooms from time to time. I prefer my renters not to have a million different people over. For one, it's my home-where I clone to relax after work, and secondly, it only takes one untrustworthy person to make off with some of my stuff.

[–]GokuSSJW420 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I too clone after work (for relaxation purposes as well, my job in the lab is very stressful and I obviously didn't study chemistry just to be a silly medical researcher!). But back to the point, what species have been your most successful? I've found that cloning sheep is pretty easy, but useless. My goat clones are getting better, but they still come out with razor sharp teeth and a taste for human flesh, which has the neighbors very upset. My potato clones taste good with bacon and butter.

[–]dropkickoz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mostly monkeys with four asses. Well, really, anything with four asses.

[–]oystersalamode 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I agree: her not being comfortable with random people sounds like the cause, especially after the update. It sounds like she just didn't want to have to interact with strangers regularly - that can be annoying after a day of work or studying - and maybe had some personal safety concerns. Sounds more like a roomate issue than a woman issue. There could be some unconscious prudery at work, but it's not something she seems to explicitly believe in.

bbqamazing is probably right in saying

I think the best solution would be to find another like minded roomate...Or live alone.

Even just a male roommate. Men tend to be less concerned with personal safety, especially around women. They view strange women, instinctively, as exciting. Also easier to break into groups as a team and pull a couple of friends.

[–]dropkickoz -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I'm definitely not concerned with personal safety, but even though I don't have a lot of nice things, I don't want to see any of them disappear.

[–]oystersalamode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought of "personal safety" as including safety from having your things stolen. I generally don't think of "safe" as being vulnerable to any kind of criminal activity. Having things stolen is an indirect form of harm to me in my mind. That isn't obvious, though. "Personal" makes it seem much more bodily. Bad phrasing on my part.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


[–]the_number_2 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yes, this is what I was thinking too. I own a house and rent two rooms to some friends. One of them was bringing girls home every now and then, which is fine, but they weren't people I wanted staying in my house.

For example, I came home from work and he's drinking with some girl and her friend. This girl was 18 years old and also a stripper. I don't care that this is some of the wildest sex he's had, 18 year old stripper drinking (underage) and smoking weed (illegal anyway) at my house is NOT COOL, especially when I'm not home, and I sure as shit don't want this girl staying overnight.

And this is to say nothing of the random Tinder girl that came over at 3 am after I party we held and went straight to his room so they could makeout and watch a movie. Apparently he had never actually met this girl in person, either, so she very well could have been there to steal my shit.

So it could be a matter of personal security that OP's roommate is thinking of.

[–]1oldredder 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Expectation: you get to fuck who you want in the space you pay for. If she doesn't like it she should stop charging you rent. You pay for the space to use and this is a normal acceptable use of the space.

SHE will fuck as she pleases in the space SHE pays for.

[–]LaV-Man 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally agree with the above. However, I would add that any compromise you're willing to make to accomodate your roommate should come with a comment stating that although you have/feel no obligation to conform to her expectation you are will to do so as a favor. I would also state that favor are not free and you at some furture time will expect something in return. This way you are not verbally renegotiating your rental agreement.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Let her know that you're happy to do something to make her more comfortable (keep the noise down, keep the place clean, keep her area off limits, not give other ppl keys, etc). But you pay for your space, and you do plan to bring dates over.

Roommates are not plates, you cannot treat EVERYTHING like a shit test. Assume there is some reasonable concern here, address the concern.

If it turns out that she has no legitimate concern, then you treat her like a child. Let her know that you've heard her concerns and appreciate that she feels that way, and then go on to do your thing. Women are passive-aggressive as fuck about this type of shit, so ultimately if she has a hardline emotional reaction to you bringing home dates, that is not something you can reprogram; you have to accept that she will create problems over it.

[–]aptway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right, and it seems like she does, to some extent. Time will tell, but I'm not putting my sex life on hold because it crosses some emotional boundary or hers.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)


Do what you want, if she doesn't like it she can leave.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)


[–]penguin_says_slide 15 points16 points  (2 children)

She's not worried about the noise, or at least that's not her primary concern.

starting a relationship and bringing your gf over we should also talk about that and have a meet and greet or something.

let you know my expectations and if it's different from yours, then we need to resolve it.

She's some kind of feminist that's dead set against the whole picking up girls and one night stands and notice how she's brings up meet and greet; [discussion] to resolve it. She wants to convert you, to settle down with one girl only and shit like that.

When you sit down to talk to her, don't fall into that trap. There's nothing to be won by engaging into a feminism v.s. reality debate. When she brings that up(and she will) just dismiss it with "let's not focus on that, my lifestyle is my lifestyle and yours is yours" and keep the debate on the noise and other such practical things.

Best of luck mate and keep at it!

[–]alpha_n3rd[🍰] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Don't ever talk about it. Just fucking ignore it with great prejudice.

[–]aptway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She seems to be very traditionally Chinese culture-wise, which may be why she's uneasy with it. Going to talk to her later tonight, so I'll find out pretty quickly. If she's trying to impose her morality/moral compass on me, we're going to have problems. I'll focus on the noise and timing rather than the "morality" of me bringing back sloots to bang.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit. You cab have your boyfriend over then I can have girlfriends over. None of your business unless you want to join stay out of my business

[–]C00l_Guy 15 points16 points  (4 children)

Just agree with her and keep doing it.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Agreed. Don't even raise an argument. In fact never argue with her. If she has the audacity to interrupt you with these girls then you dress her down.

[–]LaV-Man 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or invite her to join...?

[–]LaV-Man 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Or fill her time with introductions.

Friday 8pm: This is Lisa...

Friday 11pm: This is Monica...

Sat 1030am: This is Jenny...

Sat 2pm: This is Betty...

Sat 5pm: (rest for god sakes)

Sat 8pm: This is Stacy...

Until she gets tired of it.

[–]blacwidonsfw -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Best advice.

[–]anothercarguy 6 points7 points  (1 child)

So I lived with girls. I like actually living with girls when I need to have a roommate. They might be dirtier but they don't break walls. every girl I have lived with has given me a high five for hooking up with girls. This is normal behavior, what you are experiencing is something else.

Shit test? Is she into you and you don't realize it? If so carry on bangin.

Bitch? If she is a bitch, please sir, carry on.

Uncomfortable with other women in her space? She needs more exposure, please carry on.

Jealous? She should join in so she isn't lonely so again, carry on.

Banging too late? Fair argument that you were shaking the walls at 4am. This is the only thing you should change as that just isn't being polite to the shared living situation.

other possibility: she is worried her bf will be jealous and plate up. In which case, keep on banging.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Orrrr none of those situations and she just doesn't want random fucking strangers around at all hours.

There is a difference between having a steady relationship and having multiple random people you barely know and treating the place like a revolving door for your fuck buddies.

OP is a shitty roomie, and his roomate is at least giving him a chance to hash shit out before her things inevitably go missing from one of OP's desperate 4/10s.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unless she's your landlord, tell her to fuck off.

If she's your landlord tell her to fuck off nicely.

[–]TotesMessenger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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[–]slurmfactory 4 points5 points  (0 children)

what a loser. who the fuck is she to tell you you cant bring girsl over? shes uncomfortable? go fuck yourself. tell her you can bring over whoever you want, and if girls stay over thats YOUR business and not any of hers. what a nosey cunt. she doesnt like you hooking up with chicks but really its not her business at all. its not like youre fucking in the living area, its your room. tell her that its not her place to butt in with your relationships and dating life at all, and that she has no right whatsoever to make any type of claim about who she thinks its ok for you to bring home. outrageous.

[–]Endorsed Contributorfnordsnord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Move out. Seriously. This woman has the potential to be the biggest cock-block in the universe. Even if you try to ignore her, if she finds your lifestyle offensive (and it's clear that she does), and you don't change to fit her whims, she's in a position to poison the mood of any women you bring home.

[–]charlesbukowksi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you're playing this all wrong buddy. change her emotions not her mind.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ignoring it sounds like a band aid to the problem but I would take the opportunity to discuss it with her, I think she's being reasonable to expect a good nights sleep without you and your dates going at it waking her up.

Do you own the lease? If so, it sounds to me that it's time you replaced her with a similar minded person. Probably a straight guy by the sounds of it.

She shouldnt have any say over who or how you bring someone over... if that person turns out to be dodgy and for example robs her, then you should have to pay it... and it would be poor judgement on your behalf. But its not her business up front... especially in a 2 bedroom apartment! The more people in the household, the more I can understand, as it becomes much harder to hold someone accountable and the foot traffic increases... But yeah, long story short, get rid of her if she's not prepared to see your side of the story.

[–]JimmyTheIntern 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You've got the right idea: Take full responsibility for your guests and agree to maintain reasonable quiet hours (both PM and AM). If there is a girl you expect to see regularly, introduce the roommate to make things easier on everyone.

If your roommate is still "uncomfortable" then it would seem that her intent is to sandbag your sex life for whatever reason. Your sex life has nothing to do with her, so if you bringing home a multitude of girls makes her uncomfortable, that's something she's going to have to get over. I would try to find a diplomatic way to convey that, should it need to be said.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Keep doing what you are doing, just don't be an asshole about it. Having drama in a living area is some shit you don't want to deal with.

[–]StarDestinyGuy 0 points1 point  (7 children)

You need to talk with her and see what exactly makes her uncomfortable about it, because that's the key here.

Is it just because she doesn't like you fucking random girls? That's her problem to get over, carry on.

Is it because you're being too loud with these girls late at night? That's very reasonable, and you should compromise on this.

Is it because she has concerns about her property and the condition of the apartment from strangers coming over? Also reasonable, and you need to meet her halfway on this. Convince her a problem won't happen, and if it somehow does, you will take full responsibility to resolve it.

[–]aptway[S] -1 points0 points  (6 children)

This is exactly how I approached it. All she basically had to say was that she didn't like have random people over at a frequent rate. I told her that's how dating is these days, and made no promise that I would decrease the frequency at which I'm seeing girls. All that got was a "well, I need to sit and think about how I feel about this."

I did say that I would use this place as a last resort and would not be super loud late. Had a long talk with her afterward about relationships and her career, situated myself as more of a friend and built some rapport with her. Sounds like she's going to be single soon anyway, so then the shoe may be on the other foot.

TLDR: Going to keep bringing girls back, told her i'd let her know if i'm doing so and would take responsibility of them and not be fucking too loudly at too late of hours. Probably not gonna renew the lease with her at the end of the year though.

[–]kingofpoplives 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're gonna want to look into moving out.

Regardless of where this incident leads, rooming with a wet blanket who sends passive aggressive emails every time she feels violated is no way to go through life.

[–]StarDestinyGuy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Sounds like she's going to be single soon? Why's that?

[–]aptway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We got into a discussion about how her long distance boyfriend (he lives in SF, we live in LA) fight all the time, and how she basically chose her current job over living with him and having him provide for her. I guess he makes enough for both of them to live off and told her to just work nonprofit, but she really wanted to work at the company we're at (she's technically my coworker) and thought she'd be happy in a career. Feminism, eh? She was also discussing her reluctance to get married and how she didn't think the relationship was going to last since they were fighting all the time now that it was long distance.

She's hot, but I don't think she wants the D. Maybe, though- seeing me bringing back lots of girls may make her preselection tingles go off. No way am I shitting where I eat (literally), though.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Sounds like you have experience in this... Wanna do a mini AMA?

    [–]BlackHeart89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Does she have an issue with hearing yall have sex? I can understand that. Or maybe she's uneasy about random people coming in and out of the apartment. I can understand that too.

    But thats some shit that should have been talked about prior to moving in together. Good luck.

    [–]bloodredskeye 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I would move out, are you renting from her? It sounds like you share a lease or something.

    Please update this later.

    [–]SirMize 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    When I was in college I had a bunch of guy roommates and we made a simple rule. You could bring anyone over, but if they were in the house, that means you were in the house. And if that person fucked anything up, you had to pay for it. So if you bring a chick over and you have to go to class/work, then she has to leave when you leave.

    If you had been with a chick for more than a year, and we meet her, were would be okay with her chilling, but again you are still responsible for her actions.

    We never had a problem, and it was a good fair rule.

    [–]LasherDeviance 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The answer is simple. Move out and get your own place or put her ass out.

    [–]lostmatt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Just say that you will take responsibility for any issues that arise due to having girls over. She might be worried about things getting stolen, damaged, etc.

    [–]Masonjarteadrinker2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That's why I just got my own damn place, fuck all that noise.

    [–]TRPLeftist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I get it too an extent, I have roommates and they aren't allowed to bring any one over I don't know, I have had stuff stolen in the past and don't intend on letting anyone in. Plus I make good money so even if they are in their presence the whole time, they could come back and break in. That being said, its unreasonable to ask someone not too have anyone over if you guys are roommates (I own my place so they are technically my tenants.) Plus if you are playing the field you should be going to their place if you can, don't want a jealous or pissed woman stalking you.

    [–]yldwhisper 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    IMO - a bit disrespectful to do that if you've only been living there two weeks. I had a roommate that would fucking wake me up routinely in the middle of the night bringing home chicks. I wasn't pissed about the traffic - I was pissed it was affecting my fucking sleep routine. On top of that, found out the cuntnugget was a methhead and kicked his ass to the curb.

    As you've stated I'm sure it has something to do with noise - but she also hasn't known you long enough to gauge you - nor the company you keep. Is she renting as well, or does she own the place? That makes a difference as well. If she's renting, then too bad so sad for her.

    [–]aptway[S] -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

    We're both renting. She was the first to get the place and is technically the "master tenant," but doesn't own it. She drew up an agreement beforehand that said something about "no overnight guests," but the language in it was so loosely-defined that I don't think there's a leg for her to stand on there. These girls aren't staying the night, and even if they are, they'll be in my room. None of her business, really.

    [–]yldwhisper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    In that case I agree - As long as you aren't being overly noisy.

    [–]thenarrrowpath 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This sounds more like a concern of security issue.

    [–]Dokkobro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Another illustration on how rational conversation is possible between male and female once the gender dynamic is set in stone.

    [–]JustACrosshair_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Tell her to complain to someone who cares and pick your nose.

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    OP, you are dumb as fuck if you think she is "trying to control your sexuality". She's trying to preserve the condition of her home, and doesn't want to deal with your shitty ass 4/10 tweekers at all hours, and the possibility of your hookups stealing her shit or raiding her food.

    Hook up at a hotel room, or fork over the cash for your own place.

    Until then, suck it up sweetheart, and deal with having a roomie.

    [–][deleted]  (16 children)


    [–]Pyrocyde 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I don't believe she wants the D however I believe she feels uncomfortable with other females coming into the home because she may 'feel' something for OP, even if it's a highschool crush.

    of course I'm probably wrong.

    [–]J_Ferrara07 3 points4 points  (3 children)


    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]J_Ferrara07 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Everyone who is on these subs knows what it means.

      It's starting to get frustrating associating with people on here. Not everything is a sexual power play.

      It's like people take in the knowledge and they can't look at things any other way. It's idiotic. You're an idiot. I am saying you are an idiot. Fucking idiot. Close minded, dogma loving idiot. You idiot.

      I am responding to you in a hostile manner now, because it means I want to bone you. You made me frustrated and now the only conclusion is that I have to have sex with you. Where you live bro?

      [–]ConfidenceMatters -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      It is painfully evident people need to brush up on the concept.

      [–]Kenny_Twenty 0 points1 point  (9 children)


      [–][deleted]  (8 children)


        [–][deleted]  (7 children)


          [–]ConfidenceMatters 0 points1 point  (6 children)

          Precisely, and I actually created an alternate account (/u/aptway) to post this thread just so I can go on this account and PrOjEcT my knowledge to everyone.

          [–]Kenny_Twenty 0 points1 point  (5 children)

          Either way, you're projecting.

          [–]ConfidenceMatters 0 points1 point  (4 children)


          [–]Kenny_Twenty 0 points1 point  (3 children)

          It's opinion, of course. I just think you're misreading the situation. I think it's much more about power with this chick. She wants to be calling the shots.

          It not that she wants to fuck him and doesn't want him fucking other girls.

          Like I said, that's just my opinion anyway.

          [–]ConfidenceMatters 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          99.9% of the interactions between Men & women who are strangers will have the woman testing said Man's fitness and aptitude. Whether consciously or subconsciously. Women will decide if they'd fuck you within 10 seconds of first meeting you.

          This is such a clear demonstration of that.

          You even identified that she may want control & power.


          She wants to see with what OP can allow her to get away with. She wants to see if OP is a pussy and will abide by her rules and get friendzoned/disrespected, or if he mans the fuck up and takes total control over that living space, which will absolutely make her moist as fuck for him, in addition to the preselection he has demonstrated to her.

          Preselection BTW which has made her totally open/approach him.

          Win/win for her unless she gets pump & dumped: if OP proves a pussy, she gets to enjoy having her foot on him and control of that work space - which will give her "validation". If he proves the opposite, she gets some bomb sex.

          This isn't a matter of opinion, this is biomechanics.

          You fuckers need to stop overcomplicating shit.

          [–]Kenny_Twenty 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          99.9% of the time, huh?

          [–]MightyTaint -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

          Right now I'm planning to sit down with her and go over what my expectations are

          Why? Is this your home or not? Do what you're going to do, she can be uncomfortable if she wants.