Feel like an autist around new people/groups (self.asktrp)

submitted by AceBenedict23

Been in TRP for almost 2 years.

Worked hard on SMV. Have gotten to an objectively pretty good place. Dress well, I'm 6'5 and muscular. People tend to defer to me usually.

I was straight up unable to make eye contact with people for the longest time because of long term isolation, let alone speak properly.

Got a sales job and quickly came out of my shell. In one on one situations, I can speak to almost anyone. Even attractive females. I can tease people one on one, tell stories and sit around talking about anything.

But for the life of me, I am so fucking cringe when it is a group social scenario.

I was just getting coffee with my friend (who's a prototypical Chad, 6'3 insanely jacked, confident white guy). When we meet, he's literally speaking to every single person in our path. So when I got to the shop, he was already there talking with people, so I go to the line to order.

I open this HB7 behind me and he immediately strolls up, gives me a handshake and introduces himself to her. Then 10 seconds later, we're walking to an open seat and he opens a group of HB6's next to us.

He keeps a dialogue with them open for a few minutes. We all are sitting around doing the bullshit pleasantries, and he's leading the entire interaction with them. Asking them how they all know each other, etc.

Then we split off, and I'm already exhausted because I've met about 7 new girls in the span of 10 minutes. This is coming from a guy who literally couldn't hold eye contact or not stutter with girls less than 2 years ago.

So we're chilling, and these two kids walk by with their parents. Immediately my friend spins into action, talking to the kids in Russian (how the fuck did he learn Russian?) He opens a dialogue with the parents in Russian, and then afterwards explains how he picked up some Russian because he travels there once a year with one of his girls.

Then ten minutes later a group of guys walk in, and he knows them. He introduces me to everyone, and leads the conversation, and announces that all 6 of us need to go get drinks ASAP. Now all of us are going out next weekend.

Most of the time while he's doing all this, I'm in the background, being polite, saying hi, etc. Internally I'm cringing, cuz I am not this social, ever.

For myself, I have made an active effort to improve my social skills, and it's worked. But I absolutely suck if it's a group scenario. I'm not good at jumping into the conversation, and feel awkward, and quickly drained, like I need a nap to recharge.

How do I get better at this?

It's literally so painful/cringe having to endure all this social stimuli.

Edit: to be clear, I love my friend. He's one of the most loyal, chill dudes I've ever met, and has helped me improve tons since we met. No resentment towards him at all. I don't get bitter, I get better. Think it might be best to hang with him alot, cuz he forces me to be better.

[–]Senior Endorsed ContributorFieldLine 34 points35 points  (2 children)

How do I get better at this?

Practice. You do it 1,000 times and by the 1,001th time you don't give a shit at all because you realize it literally doesn't matter what strangers think of you.

Do the work. There are no shortcuts, no secret methods.

[–]Moreofmore 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Doing the work is the shortcut. That clicked for me when I heard it.

[–]atlastic1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That just clicked for me

[–]ElijahBurningWoods 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I recommend going out with this guy alot.

[–]Casd12 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Learn from him, look at how he operates socially. Make mental notes, compare yourself and take note of the differences between you and him. Then start implementing it to social situations.

[–]dulkemaru51 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I read this with one eye open, but my guess is that you already understand the root of your poor performance in interacting with groups: your headspace and emotional state.

Work on being comfortable, not on memorizing tricks wrt specific things to say or do, then whatever you actually do will be fine. Basically inner game is everything.

Whether it's PU, sales, public speaking or talking to more than one person at a time, we already know what the correct way to do things are. Sure, a sales course can increase your abilities, but, you'd be more convincing as a novice in sales trying to talk your homie into going to the gym than you would be selling a car to some corporate snob after being formally trained for eight weeks. Think about it. You wouldn't pull any punches with your best friend, you'd OYS, have a vision and answer banter with more banter whenever he tried to persuade you into thinking that going to the gym was a bad idea (frame). You'd sell yourself with absolute certainty in your proposition, ignore his powerplays, make fun of him, maximizing your status.

So, work on your confidence, that's it. Lift, approach, meditate, practice negative visualization or whatever you prefer.

[–]NewHum 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I used to be exactly you back in high school.

The solution is simple but hard to do to at the beginning. You absolutely need to control every group situation you can.

Whenever there is a group of people there is always one person who is leading the whole group conversation. Now naturaly most people struggle when they are pulled in a group of people they don’t know.

The best trick you can use is to pretend that everyone likes you already and just lead the conversation. Lead the conversation and be the one who ask questions. Don’t let them talk about stuff you can’t talk about. Introduce yourself, ask them how they all know each other and them find something in common with them as quickly as you possibly can.

[–]er99099 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Dude, your friend is literally exactly what you want to become. Why not ask him how he developed into that?

which is better, someone giving you advice over the internet or in person... and even better a friend whom, I assume, wants the best for you.

I think you need to swallow that pride or ego and build up the courage to ask him.

[–]AceBenedict23[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I actually did ask him, he gave a super interesting, deep response. (This is after he spoke to those kids in the post)

He told me a story about how when he was in highschool, he would routinely score the winning touchdown, then right afterwards go to a party and get blackout drunk. He'd fuck the hottest girls in school, and then go home and try to commit suicide because it was such an empty existence.

He felt like his life had zero substance and zero meaning. And after a relative passed away he came away with the realization that every relationship is precious. He said "every single person we meet is FULL of completely unique life experience that nobody else has. I want to meet every single person I can, learn everything I can, and experience everything there is to experience in the world for the short time God's given me under the sun".

[–]pussykiller009 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Damn I am already in love with that guy

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


[–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate situations like these because I've often found myself in them. The alpha guy leads the interaction and I am just there like the trusty quiet side-kick, I just don't know how to fucking socialize like that. The one guy just rattles off like 100 sentences and I am just "Hi, how are you doing today?". It is incredibly draining, for you see how low you are compared to another guy in a social regard, which of course is extremely important for getting laid. These situations are double-edged swords. They serve as a great model for what to be, but they can cripple and hurt you depending on where you are at in your development. If you are at a lower stage in your social development these people can serve as hindrance because the leap will be too far to make and you'll just end up failing over and over.

[–]909throwaway100 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its a conscious effort right now, keep doing it and it will become unconscious

You see what your friend does, try and do that, there can only be 1 leader, don't let him lead you, take it upon yourself to lead others.

[–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been there. Honestly these people can serve as a good model but can also destroy your confidence depending on how good they are. Remember, not everyone is trying to help you or be your friend. Some people just use you as a way to balance out their energy. I had this one friend who was just like you describe, was a social butterfly would talk to literally everyone. I'd just be there tagging along for the ride, it was a good experience in that I learned a lot, but also it was so crushing because it made me realize how bad I actually was at socializing myself. That pain stung horribly, whatever say what you will. I believe, if someone is this far advanced he is not going to be able to help you. It's just too much of a leap for you to take. Some people can bring you out of your shell and are truly there to help you. Other's are just using you to balance out the energy.

[–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to say also, you are a classic introvert from everything you describe. Some people are just naturally better at it and feed off the social stimuli, other's like yourself need to be alone to recharge their batteries. It's not bad or good, it is what it is. Your friend is an extrovert. There are things you can do to improve but the natural extrovert will probably always have that natural advantage, does not mean you cannot learn to implement a few strategies to get better.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This guy sounds like a fucking animal.

Perfect example of value providing/state transference, evidently people just feel fucking great around him. I wasn't even there but from how you described that sequence of events I felt excited inside and I'm chilling at work in my cubicle right now.

Take notes on him for sure but never try and straight up copy someone

[–]ReddJive 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A little known thing called Mayor Game.

His world.

He welcomed everyone to join him.

[–]NextForever -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

I didn't even read this.

It's obvious you care too much what others think about you. Learn to mediate the thoughts and focus on your own happiness.

good luck!

[–]1DonaldBaelish 0 points1 point  (0 children)