I've been lurking on this subreddit for a little while now. RP philosophy has started making a lot of sense to me, and I think there has always been a RPW hidden inside of me.
Confession - pretty much all of my friendship group is feminist, my parents are feminist. I purport to be a feminist. I've even attended feminist events before. I feel like I'm living a lie and have been my whole life.
I've been so engrossed in this my whole life, I've been told to believe feminism was right my whole life (I come from a very politically active family). But always, always, even when I was really young (say 6 or 7) I had this inkling in the back of my mind - I want to be feminine! I want to wear dresses and be a 'princess' and bake and play with dolls. I like it when the boys are the leaders when we play sport at school or have a group project.
Nowadays, I am incredibly submissive in the bedroom. I wouldn't say it's bdsm, it's just what feels natural to me and always has done. I've had 2 boyfriends, both what I would consider 'betas' perhaps. Never happy with them. It just felt wrong/awkward, when I wanted to make dinner for them they would tell me I was 'doing too much', or 'being to selfless in bed', or 'I could say no if I wanted', or telling me that I should decide things. There was something amiss and I couldn't place my finger on it at the time, but now, partly from lurking here and other sites, I've figured it all out. For me, a relationship isn't about 'equality' necessarily, I need the Captain/First mate dynamic to truly thrive. (Ok, I do personally think that men and women are equal, in the sense we all have equal value/worth as human beings, but I do think there should be different roles (something feminism has largely destroyed) - I like the phrase 'equal but different'.)
I'm just sick of living like this. I don't want to lie to my parents or friends (not directly - but lying by omission). Mostly, though, I don't want to be unhappy. My main goal in life is to fall deeply in love with a wonderful, 'alpha' man, and make him happy and cared for in whatever way I can, have his children and homeschool them and make a lovely dinner for my family every day, keep a beautiful home in the country, and maybe write books if I get time. I think these are admirable goals. I'm happy with them, but the feminist thinking I have been indoctrinated into always creeps in. I know what all my friends will say - that I am giving up my ambition. But that's crazy - this is my ambition! And surely that is feminist in itself, right? If I want this, or if it is in my nature somehow, then it is my choice to make - even from a feminist perspective I have the right to choose to be in a RP relationship, to choose a husband and babies over a career.
I told my parents I want to be a lawyer when I graduate. I even told them I don't want kids, because I'm scared if I tell them, all of this will come out - I'm scared they'll turn against me. They'll think I'm in an 'abusive' relationship, or want to be in one - far from the truth of course! I'm genuinely terrified that I could potentially never have the things I dream of because I don't want to publicly embarrass my family, I don't want to fall out with my friends, I don't want to hurt anyone. Frankly I feel trapped, maybe I just need to 'woman up'.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, and sorry for the long/rambling nature. If anyone has some insight on how I can/if I should 'come out' about this, or if you've been in a similar situation, please let me know.