Plate hides that she has a boyfriend, he finds out she was cheating with me, and now he’s harassing her and me to speak to me. Should I even bother speaking to him? (self.asktrp)

submitted by jp_nyc

So I’ve been seeing this girl for the last 8 months, and originally thought she has the potential to be more than just a plate. We got along well, she seemed great with kids, sex was good, she agreed with traditional gender roles, etc. Then the red flags appeared, specifically her natural inclination to lie to her family and others. I knew that I was not exempt from this and as time went on I caught her in lies. Sometimes I would nonchalantly bring them up in a joking manner just to make her aware that she wasn’t fooling anyone (which would always cause her to go out of her way for me), and other times I would make note and keep it to myself. I always kept my frame, observed, and didn’t let her lies bother me. I believe that AWALT, they all lie when convenient. As a result though I concluded that I was wrong and that she wasn’t a unicorn, and because of some of her lies I actually suspected that she had someone that she was seriously dating or in an actual relationship with. But as long as I was getting what I wanted I didn’t care if she wanted to keep up her lies and kept her as a plate.

Fast forward to this Saturday, I’m laying in bed with another plate and my phone starts to buzz non-stop. It starts with odd texts from her:

“Are you my boyfriend? Yes or no?”

“Have we had sex?”

I obviously knew it wasn’t actually her so I didn’t answer and put my phone on Do Not Disturb. Later that night I check my phone and see:

“I’ve had a serious boyfriend for 9 months.”

BINGO. Suspicion confirmed. 45 mins later another text came in:

“Hey, I’m sorry. My phone was taken from a friend who has feelings for me. My dad and older sister are seeing this convo. Please say ‘no’. ”

She’s trying to keep up her lies. By Sunday morning I had gotten 8 missed calls from her, 2 texts from her newly revealed boyfriend’s number, and 3 calls that he made to me from his number and a throwaway number. In the text he was asking to talk to me.

Then I received messages from her on Facebook and Snapchat to not respond to him, that he was her abusive ex-boyfriend who had broken into her contacts and she was likely going to the cops. I knew she was lying and responded with a simple “ok”. I then get another call from him that night which I ignored.

Then finally on Monday she reaches out to me asking to talk because she needed to “clear the air” of some things. I told her I already knew what she had to say and when we spoke I was like “Look, I told you all along that I knew you were lying. I was pretty sure you were seeing someone. Now you’re going to tell me that he knows about us and you need to cut things off with me to be with him. It’s cool, no worries.”

She says “Yes, I love him and want to make things work with him but... he wants to speak to you. He’s incredibly angry and insist in speaking to you. He wants to hear all the details about us from you.” I told her that wasn’t necessary. That he either needs to come to terms that she cheated on him with me or he needs to dump her, that it’s super lame for him to be reaching out to me on random numbers, and that lastly I don’t kiss and tell. I left it at that.

Even as I’m in bed with yet another plate last night (Tuesday) I’m getting text from her saying that he’s harassing her to speak to me “calmly as a man”.

I‘m pretty certain that I shouldn’t need to speak to him. I’m completely cool with withdrawing from the situation. I think their relationship is doomed (she cheated on him, he lives 2.5 hours away and is in town randomly, etc.) and she’ll ultimately be back as a plate.

How do you guys think I should proceed though? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to actually know the details. All the times we’ve had sex, how she would constantly comment that I was the biggest she’s ever had and seen, how 8 hours before they boarded a flight to Costa Rica (on a vacation that he paid for) she was in my bed screaming from pleasure and literally begging for me to cum in her. It just seems lame as a man to ask to speak to me, and completely beta of him.

Update for clarification: he wants to talk over the phone, not in person.

[–]noPTSDformePlease 123 points124 points  (2 children)

lets say you talk to him.

best case scenario: they break up, you keep banging the girl.

worst case scenario: he literally murders you because he loves the girl so much.

why take that risk? you're already living the best case scenario

[–]jp_nyc[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Very true.

[–]jackandjill22 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This isn't going to go well, you probably need to immediately severe both contacts. This dude sounds desperate A. & B. The girls Fucking moronic. She's attempting to compartmentalIze you to keep the resources she's getting from him but it's escalating the situation(juggling). Most girls are smarter & drop BOTH guys because of "harlot's remorse" to avoid confronting either. She's being massively irresponsible.

  • Play your own strategy & remove yourself from the situation before the stakes get too high.

Edit: as others have said ghost both of them never return.

[–]1atticusfinch1973 46 points47 points  (1 child)

There is zero upside to you even interacting with him at all. Don’t bother and ghost both of them.

[–]1ANGRY_ATHEIST 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't say zero necessarily. I've got a good buddy of mine who I met through a similar situation.

The chances of this are near zero though, so I wouldn't recommend it.

[–]MickMensa 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't bother speaking to him. He knows she cheated and he should know to drop her without you revealing every detail.

As you say, withdraw from the situation and consider that plate broken.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Ghost both.

[–]christianity_is_vile 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah no shit. this bitch isn't even worth keeping as a plate. talk about high fucking maintenance.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (1 child)

A plate should never bring this kind of drama into your life. If they do, cut them loose. Her actions have already excluded her from any LTR consideration.

Ghost everyone and block them on every social media platform. If you need to say anything, tell them to not contact you ever again and if they do, you’ll consider it harassment.

[–]jackandjill22 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes accurate. ACCURATE. 👆👆👆

[–]RandyBumgardner85 15 points16 points  (1 child)

The fact that you ignored his texts should answer his question. It's not really your problem. As stated above, go NC on her for a month and then maybe hit her up afterwards if you feel the juice is worth the squeeze and you don't mind banging a compulsive liar.

If you really feel for the guy you could text "she has been lying to both of us. Please don't contact me again" and leave it at that but you may lose the plate.

[–]TheLoneProspector 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah. As a kind person and also to CYA I would let the guy know you didn't know she had a boyfriend and keep it at that.

[–]mrpthrowa 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Do not speak to him. Ghost him.

Soft next her for a month. Straight up tell her you'll give her some time and space to sort herself out, you have no time for any of this, and to get back to you after a month if she wishes.

ignore all further attempts at contact until the dust settles and she wants to fuck.

[–]1kick6 32 points33 points  (2 children)

"talk you you as a man"

Anyone who tries to make a play against your masculinity can get fucked. If he was a man...this scenario wouldn't exist, he'd have either kept her from straying or tossed her back into the trash.

[–]Red-Curious 7 points8 points  (1 child)

So you make a play against his masculinity ...

[–]1kick6 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yup. I can get fucked too.

[–]cappadocianhawk 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That guy obviously has oneitis and is willing to do anything. Why put yourself in danger? Doing night life business when I tell people "Let's go talk about this calmly in the back room where ladies aren't present." it doesn't mean good news for the guy. It's basically a threat.

Ghost him. If I was in your shoes I'd ghost the chick as well, just on account of putting me through some shit I don't need in my life. It's okay for plates to have boyfriends and other shit I don't give a fuck about but involving me in their personal drama: just no. I have bigger fish to fry.

[–]mrpoopistan 4 points5 points  (1 child)

In every situation in life, you need to ask a simple question: what do i stand to gain from this choice?

What's actual upside in talking to the dude?

You'd be wise to end all contact with both. You have no clue what her end game is, and the way it plays out can get unpredictable with an additional partner who feels they've been wronged. Jealousy, especially among dudes who can't lock chicks down emotionally, gets ugly and violent even if they get the girl back.

[–]jp_nyc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All very true.

[–]SuperCrazy07 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You're getting a lot of advice to keep this plate. This girl doesn't seem worth the hassle to me, not now and not in a month.

She's lying to everyone and bringing drama (and potential danger) in to your life. And, don't think you're too alpha for this guy...he can get a gun and hide in the parking lot. Just cuz someone is a loser with women doesn't mean he can't be dangerous.

[–]Herdsengineers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

either no response to either of them from here on out, or a simple "i want nothing else to do with any of you. do not contact me again, ever, for any reason, whatsoever."

next her, too much drama. no sex with any woman is worth this crap. you can find sex with women that doesn't come with this baggage.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Not your problem. Disregard.

I would also drop her as a plate (assuming she attempts to return later) because: too much DRAMA.

[–]1walawalawa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

too much DRAMA.


You can bet that right now she's loving this whole "let's you and him fight" ploy.

This guy has a bruised ego.

Ignore them. There's nothing to talk about. It's her problem not yours. Block/delete.

[–]FromTheCaveIntoLight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ignore both of them and move on

[–]RAiderNat88 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get a new number and ghost the bitch.

[–]BluntMFer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ghost her

[–]nofilmynofucky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Block their numbers and hope to christ that she doesn't give him your address, and that he's not a gun owner

I'm not sure I need to say this next part but next time you suspect a girls got a boyfriend, get out sooner. Plenty of single girls out there, cheating hoes are never worth the potential fallout

[–]menial_optimist 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I never understood why, when cheated on, a man usually goes crazy and goes out of his way to find/fight/yell at the guy she cheated with. I guess maybe the immediate reaction is pure rage, and since men know they generally can't just beat up women for any reason, they will try and find someone connected who they can beat up- the guy she cheated with.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I never understood why, when cheated on, a man usually goes crazy and goes out of his way to find/fight/yell at the guy she cheated with.

Because those guys don't understand this concept: "She's not yours, it's just your turn." So to them, it's like you stole their car or something.

It's the end game of "I saw her first!", as if that gives someone 'special rights' of some kind.

Really, at bottom, what it means he lacks the requisite maturity to handle his own emotions and expects you to somehow do it for him.

[–]jackandjill22 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]The__Tren__Train 1 point2 points  (0 children)

id talk to him..

invite him to join team AssEaters

[–]prostaddict 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit's getting too messy for a plate. Do not speak with the BF at all and I'd recommend dropping her

[–]1RedPillFusion 0 points1 point  (4 children)

If he knows she's cheating and still wants to talk to the guy she's cheating with, you've already learned enough about the guy to know nothing good for you can come of it. If he harasses you in your daily life, take proper action. That might mean filing a police report, carrying a pistol, beating his ass, or setting a trap. You know the circumstances better than we do.

[–]jp_nyc[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Absolutely agree. She’s even hinted to me how he acts at times with some story similar to “my friend is going through this problem with her boyfriend... he’s acting like this.” My response was always brief and along the lines of: “Your friend sounds pretty dumb and her boyfriend seems even dumber.”

I looked up the dude. He doesn’t look physically threatening at all but he could be a psycho. Who knows? I’m really not concerned about my safety.

I actually feel bad for the dude lol. He looks like a “nice guy” / beta that got played, ignored red flags, and didn’t protect himself in anyway. He definitely needs to swallow the red pill.

[–]1RedPillFusion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'd also seriously rethink keeping her on as a plate after all the unwanted drama she's brought to your life. Baggage that heavy isn't even acceptable for a LTR. Don't let her punch above her weight.

[–]atlas87 0 points1 point  (1 child)

There’s nothing to think about here. You need to respectfully communicate to her that you two are done, you’re not going to talk to this guy, and if he continues to try and contact you, you will go to the police. She is emotional right now, so you need to gently extricate yourself from this situation.

There sounds like there is a lot more going on emotionally/mentally with these two, so you need to be absolutely done with her. Worst case scenario is that this guy shows up to your house/work looking for revenge, she says you raped her in order to look like the victim and not a cheater, etc. Don’t underestimate the lengths that sad people will go when they feel like their world is collapsing around them.

[–]jp_nyc[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very, very true. I’ve covered myself from any rape claims a year ago by installing a home security system that records video and audio. For plates, I ensure that I save the videos of their going and comings, and keep all texts saved.

With a great, successful career and excellent finances I have a lot to lose but I looked him up and so does he (he equally seems to have a lot going for him). But you’re right, you never know what people will do when their world is collapsing beneath them. I definitely need to separate.

[–]GoOnBeEvil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I told her that wasn’t necessary. That he either needs to come to terms that she cheated on him with me or he needs to dump her, that it’s super lame for him to be reaching out to me on random numbers, and that lastly I don’t kiss and tell. I left it at that.

That is the correct response.

I’m getting text from her saying that he’s harassing her to speak to me “calmly as a man”.

Tell her that you have no reason to talk to him and do not wish to do so, and that further attempts to bring up the subject will be ignored.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He either wants to "talk" to you to see what kind of a man she was cheating with, and how he compares, or he wants to try and beat the shit out of you. Either way not worth your time unless you're just morbidly curious, which I'm assuming you are for asking.

[–]jp_nyc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Apparently he wants to talk over the phone, not in person, to hear all the details of her and I directly from me. I did a little research and know what he looks like but yes, it’s not worth my time.

[–]Zanford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Stay away from both. No contact.

If you suspect they might run into you / stalk you / cross paths at some public place you both frequent, try to make sure the interaction is recorded a/o has witnesses.

[–]FiveStarTendieDinner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The guy sounds like a chump. Never bring yourself to a chump's level in any aspect of life.

[–]Ivabighairy1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What's to talk about? "Your not the two, and you ain't the one" If he hasn't gotten that by now talking to him won't help. What part doesn't he get that he's not the one and only?

[–]Deebo211 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you want to keep banging this chick later when he’s back out of town or whatever than don’t say nothing. Let her lies handle it. She’ll sugar coat it for him.

If you fell bad for the guy than maybe speak to him and be tell him you had no clue and she’s not trustworthy.

Probably best to just not say anything.

[–]ArticulateSavage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You seem to have an abundance of plates. That's good. My .2c, for what that gets you, hard next her. Too much drama.

[–]AlfredKinsey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are not responsible for her mistakes or for the decisions he needs to make regarding her. Leave it alone.

I would also bail on her because shit suddenly got complicated.

[–]XT3M3 0 points1 point  (2 children)

been here ( somewhat) done that. all talking to him is going to do is get him riled up even more. you would be surprised to see how bitch made some of these guys get when their love is fucking a new guy.

so for him, ignore him don't even entertain the b.s..

as for her, you have other plates according to your own words. why are you even thinking about keeping this one around or w/e your plan is? I would block her first actually for bringing up all this bs. no plate is worth tgis trouble especially 1 with enough red flags to put hurricane warnings to shame.

[–]jp_nyc[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The only reason I’d even consider keeping her around as a plate (but nexting / going NC for a while) is that up until now things were a bit too easy / convenient and she was one of the hotter plates I was spinning. But as you and others have said, this drama and trouble isn’t really worth it.

[–]XT3M3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

please next this bitch and block her number. all this isn't worth it no matter how hot.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Agree to meet him at a bar. Order a triple shot of anything, no ice straight no chaser. Be sure to carry a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. As you two are talking it out, lean over pretending to light a cigarette while still holding the drink. Stumble a bit as if you are buzzed and lost your balance while trying to hold the drink and light the smoke at the same time, and 'spill' your 80+ proof drink down the front of his pants. Then in the same motion, swipe your lighter across his crotch, 'accidentally' igniting the alcohol in a motion designed to look like you were flailing to regain your balance. As this fucker is standing there with his nuts on fire, you just walk away smirking.

[–]fuckboychadlmao 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Op, do this