What is losing your father like? (self.asktrp)

submitted by EmbarrassingPostAcc

This is something that's been on my mind as of late. My dad is the one person I can always count on, he seems to have the ability to solve anything and always has my back. I realize he won't be around forever though, nearing his 60s while I'm only 19, and once he goes I'll truly be on my own in the world, which is a very terrifying thought.

For those who have lost their fathers, what was the shift in mindset like?

[–]bitterconsultant 65 points66 points  (2 children)

Worst time of my life, sorry. It's very hard and 2 years later I am still struggling with it.

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Brother I pray it becomes easy for you. Hang in.

[–]Straightfromthemudd 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Almost two years for me. Hang in there man

[–]RdBull 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Hi buddy, my father passed away (64 years old) 4 months ago from lung cancer, there isn't much to say, it felt like shit the first week for sure, and it made me realize that I'm alone in this world and no one's will give a single fuck if me or anyone die tomorrow, he left us with the family's business, 1.7 millions in debt(or 70k Usd) , 1 little brother(14 years old) and 1 crazy bitch as a mother, I'm not alone luckily, I have another brother who's helping to keep all the shit working.

If you're curious, I'm 21 years old.

It just feels "empty", like if something was missing all the time. A feel that is fading a little each day.

[–]crg1017 23 points24 points  (0 children)

9 years ago this September... Sudden heart attack and gone.

He was the alpha male role model for me and a lot of other people. Military Man with a lot of people under his command.

There are a lot of things I wish I could ask him, advice on work and women.

If you have a good relationship with your old man, spend some quality time with him, and make notes in a journal for later. Audio and video if you can without it being too awkward.

Have a drink with him and just chat. Know that there are some of us who would love to be able to do that.

[–]Wrath_of_Trump 17 points18 points  (2 children)

I almost lost him this morning, he went out to shoot himself. He couldn't do it. He's reaching end-of-life and it's getting very hard. He doesn't know why we didn't have a good relationship. He was "there", but we didn't bond during my adolescence. I'm sure my mother had something to do with that, constant fighting. We don't talk, but he wants to, and I just don't engage back. I'm dealing with my own issues and I'm just not a "talker". He thinks I don't love him, and sometimes I feel like he's right. I know I'll love him when he's gone, and that's as rough as it gets.

[–]The__Tren__Train 5 points6 points  (0 children)


i dont know if i love my father or not. he had a really rough childhood (very abusive father, who he obviously does not love).

he's never told me that he loves me... but he gave me a good childhood and supported me in some of my endeavors.

i dont think ive ever told him that i love him... tbh, the word 'love' doesnt mean anything to me.

but i for damn sure have told him that i appreciate him.. and that he was a good dad to me when i was growing up.

if your father was/is a good man... i would tell him that i appreciate him, that i understand him, and that he was always a good dad to me..

im sure that will be enough.

[–]JinSantosAndria 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here. He made the mistake to not fight for his right to see me during my adolescence, so there is just no connection. We see each other, he might have topics and stuff to tell and teach me but there might never come the place and time to endulge in this. He is lost the same way I am, no one gives a shit and in the end he just might to try to enjoy the time he has left. He is seeking forgiveness for many errors back then, but I have none to give, because he made the decisions and he has to forgive himself for that. I'm done with old times, there is no grudge and there are enough wars to fight in the here and now.

So what can I learn? Just fucking do what you can live with. You are always on your way to become the most forgettable man, have children that do not give a fuck and thats the default way things will end if you put in minimal effort. You can have the best job in the world, hold it for decades and still end in this alley. His mother died years ago and I can barelly remember her and he will be the last person to know her history. Same goes for his father. Always remember, you have one lifetime to live, one to be remembered and that is it. There is nothing to strife for in this regard, just to loose.

[–]XT3M3 6 points7 points  (0 children)

my dad isnt around so when he dies it'll be like... what's new.

as for my grandfather who served as my male role model, it hurt like hell for a year i been fine since but everynow and then it comes back. maybe since my dad wasnt theee, this hurt more but ehh

[–]Archenim 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My old man died about 6 years ago. Growing up I didn't appreciate many of his methods, but now that as I mature and look back, I could understand what he was trying to accomplish with some of his ways. Really, teaching me to be stoic and strong no matter how bad things got. Actually, now that I think about it, he gave me my first lesson in lifting when I was about 14.

[–]opper-hombre1 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Lost my father when I was 13. Traumatic experience. I missed out on a lot of things father/sons should do, but it taught me to grow up quicker and be the man of the house. My single mother raised me from there, and now I’m in this sub lmao

[–]matrixtospartanatLV 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’m 56 so my experience is a little different.

I hadn’t seen him in 15 years. We had a rocky relationship.

But I knew he was sick so I went to see him in September.

He passed in November.

I’m okay. I knew he was sick and I spent the weekend with him, paid my respect and told him I loved him.

3 years ago I buried a 17yo son.

5 years ago I buried my mom.

I read a lot of comments about unfinished business.

You are a grown man and make your own decisions.

But there should be no fucking whining about shoulda woulda coulda after they pass with unfinished business.

I am forever grateful my last words to my son, 3 days before his death, were, “I love you, son.”

On your death bed, it will not be the hp of your car or the square footage of your house that will matter; it will be the relationships that you built.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I grew up with a sick father, so he never was a "strong" father figure for me. Thus, after I took care at home the last months before he died, I was finally able to move on in my life. He always took care of the whole family in terms of money, but he wasn't a strong, masculine father figure. Which turns out to be a big problem with me now after finding TRP and realizing how much of a pussy I was but I'm trying to change. His death didn't impact me as much, because I knew it was coming for a long time. It depends on the background, how he dies, your relationship to him etc.

[–]Locoboy713 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I "lost" m father due to divorce when i was 10, and eventually lost touch with him because he started his own family. He wasn't a strong, masculine father figure as far as i remembered. The whole divorce fucked me up big time throughout my teenage years, with lack of a father figure and trying to figure out shit myself. I made peace with it and moved on with my life eventually.

[–]ronalddrump69 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Exactly the same for me.. They divorced when I was 5. Didn't want to see/talk to each other. Fucked me up when I was between the age of 8-15. Now that I'm 21 I see him maybe twice a month. Not having a father figure around sucks ass. This is why I never want kids, too many couples split up nowadays.

[–]Locoboy713 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are going to be fine. I used that for motivation throughout my life, even though it was probably the wrong reason but it did get me through some tough times. Keep focus on yourself, improve and be better every day. I just had enough of being a depressed, unmotivated, lost, scrawny kid. Got my shit together in my 20s, got my degree, started lifting, working my way up in the company and making 6 figure salary today. Don't ever give up on yourself and kick ass.

[–]redbarone 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I lost my stepfather a couple years ago. I'll always remember saying goodbye just a couple of days before he went. You suddenly realise YOU're the father now. You're that archetype. You're the leader and you better fucking get moving. YOU carry on the line. But you're 19. 19 is still childhood. Early 20's is when you begin to think with any degree of responsibility, when your hormones calm down.

Your past becomes definite and delineated. Before and after. The fire grows hot under your ass. You know there is a long checklist of things you have to do and just one of them is to get some empty headed idiot pregnant.

This is after you process the grief, which takes at least a year, perhaps two or three.

[–]SharpestMarbel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Losing my father was not the hard part. The worst part was watching such a strong bull of a man just decay into a shell of what he formerly was. He had a good and long life, and at the end it was just time. I was in my forties and a father myself, when he passed. I knew he was happy to see the man that I became, and that gave him solace and purpose.

My father and I had many conversations about his impending end, and he did not want to be resuscitated per his requests. As the responsible son, I honored my fathers request. In the end I was in the hospital room when the plug was pulled. I could tell the moment life left his body. I was sad he was no longer with me, but glad he was not suffering anymore.

During the eulogy I was almost overcome with grief. I had to chose my path in that instant. I chose the way of my dad. I had to be the rock for the family and my mom during the funeral and eulogy.

[–]ChatZzzzz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its been atleast 7 years, I was young when he died. I feel like there is a void in my heart because I never really got a father son bond be cause he abused drugs.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

10 years ago this October... it was like the bottom fell out of the world. Affection and companionship are sorely missed of course, but the worst casualty was certainty.

[–]EscapedTheMatrix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It happened when I was 9. Really glad I have four older brothers and two brothers in law, as well as several older male family friends, so that I could grow up with solid masculine influence.

I love the shit out of my mom but it probably would have been a disaster for me to grow up without good masculine influences. Also my dad was a badass so even the memory of him was a constant masculine figure in my life. Not everyone is as lucky.

As far as what it was like... It sucked. I cried all the time for almost a year. Then I cried every now and then for a year after that. Then I cried every once in a blue moon for the next year. Then I stopped crying but still felt down whenever I thought about him.

I still miss the hell out of him, but you learn to cope. Death is part of life and all that. You kind of just end up moving on because you have no other choice.

[–]replicaplater 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lost my Dad a little over a year ago, he was 79, I was 29. He was a huge influence on me, especially in my early childhood, it still hurts but time has slowly mended that pain. As far as a change in mindset I feel more responsible to carry some sort of legacy on, and its made me more aware of my own mortality and how fast life can pass one by. He was only around for half of my childhood but the impression he left was significant, still consider him to be my RP role model.

[–]Lightways434 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I lost my father at 20, greatest man I’ve ever known. It’s been two years and the pain is still there but you learn how to live with it. If you still have him, make the best out of the time you have with him while he’s here.

[–]DirtyBastard13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My grandpa (despite his own failings) has been closer to a proper father figure to me since I was 16. Like you, I'm pondering what it will be like my grandpa goes.

My dad is still alive, but he's no longer the man I grew up with and acts completely different. He left the family when I was 16, fled the state to avoid child support on my half-sister. I'd venture to say there is some serious mental issue there. Some days he sorta lucid, but other days is completely outrageous. We're no longer speaking due to some unconscionable comments he's made recently (among other things). It's like i never really knew him or the person I knew is dead.

It's hard, even if they're an asshole. Good memories don't fade so easily. On on hand, their failings and blue pilling directly screwed you over in preparing for life, on the other hand, to use a beta term, you still love em somewhat.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He died 10 years ago. I felt guilty for having a sense of freedom from him. Other than that, I'm done talking about it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lost my dad at 14 it was tough because i didn't develop a relationship with him , wish i did. It definitely made me have to grow up quicker but still got a lot of growing up to do at 20 now.

[–]MrBalloonHnds 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lost mine 4 years ago last week. Wasn't around much when I was young as he re-married in another state, but at the very least I knew I could always count on him. Once I was out of college, I was able to spend more and more time with him.

Military man, elite athlete, great career, yet humble and stoic. I'll probably never know a more disciplined individual for the rest of my life.

I'll never forget the feeling the day he called and told me he was sick. Watching the strongest, healthiest person you've known your whole life whither away before your eyes is not something I'd wish on anyone. But I'll also never forget the way he went out like a warrior. Absolutely no fear.

I've rambled. The point is, spend time with your dad and relish every moment. Talk to him. Ask him about his experiences. When he's gone, he's gone... and it's a level of loss and emptiness that's incredibly hard to put into words. And while over time it gets a little easier each day to cope with, there's the unshakable truth of knowing/ feeling that nothing will ever be the same.

[–]mozofila 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lost my dad when I was 3, he died of cancer. Mom tried to do the double role but unfortunately the role of a male figure could not be replaced.

I found recently one of his military photos and on the back there was a quote - "I might die one day but I will never loose the fight." He passed few years after that.

Im sure 90 percent of people here had no father, weak or jerky figure.

[–]awildash 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lost my dad 1 year ago it’s hard but gets better everyday... I’m 26

[–]The__Tren__Train 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it can be a great day or an awful day.. depends on what kind of man you're father is/was.

my father is meh. I don't imagine i'll feel much different when he passes.

[–]Straightfromthemudd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll never forget that day. Laying on the hospital bed, watching him go from functioning to non functioning to deceased. It was a ride. Had a few words with him, let him know I'm going to handle everything.

Now, I still think about it. Its been almost 2 years. He was alpha and beta, he was human. Alpha in the worst way possible. Not to get into too many details but he was apart of the underground, the wild life. Beta with his love for my mom. Their relationship was always rocky and ended badly. As he got older, however, he was still alpha and beta but in a good way. Alpha, he became a leader to many youths, and wanted to help people. A lot of people looked up to him and sought his advice. Not a rich man by any means, he was a highschool dropout. He wasn't literate when I was young. But as he aged, he learned a lot more. Can't say he succeed materialistically but as a person he did. Still, I wish he wouldve been smarter as much as that hurts to say. Some things came to bite us back in the ass.

I always kept him at a distance when I was younger, I feared him. His temper was out of control. As we got older tho, we got more reasonable. I say this, learn as much as you can from your father, but also learn what traits you do not want to carry from him. His good traits and flaws are both learning materials. Appreciate the time you have with him, and when he does pass, make sure life is setup where its an easy transition for your family (will, funeral cost, etc.) These are discussions you and your pops need to have while he's alive. Don't be afraid of losing him, we all got to go. Can't tell you how to get over grief, I feel we never get over it. But as time goes by, I received a weird feeling. A feeling of grief, but mixed with appreciation, a better understanding of the man I called my father.

[–]BlueAdmir 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unless your mother is a really powerful figure, prepare for the sudden "I am the head of this family tree now" feeling to hit you.

[–]DamnDirtyApe87 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mine died 7 years ago, quite suddenly. It's still hard on me, loosing a parent should be. My advice would be, if you get stuff to share do it now. Tell him your appreciation, regrets, ask him for advice, get to know him fully. You'll regret it later if he dies suddenly, I barely talked to mine and I still regret this.

[–]ronalddrump69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My father is still alive but the last 5 years I've only seen him twice a year so it does feel like he's not around.

[–]bitterconsultant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A piece of advice for anyone who still has their father - record conversations you have with him, both voice and video. I did this and am so incredibly grateful to myself that I did.

Now I watch/listen to them every so often and it's as if he's right there with me and I could just reach out and touch him.

If I ever have kids, they'll also be able to see and hear their grandfather they'll never meet in person.

[–]Darksh4dow88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

19 y/o here. Lost my father to cancer when I was 14. My father was pretty damn antisocial, had no real friends, no women at all, was addicted to porn and alcohol. But he still cared a lot for me, we went fishing together etc. Not as much as I would have liked to but at least he tried. He was well-read, a fantastic mathematician and really intelligent but still kind of broken inside since had been abused heavily by his violent father when he was a child. At least I guess that's part of the reason. I was too young to really have a deep conversation about his past and he probably suppressed a big part of his life.

After he died, I became even more shy, introverted and lazy than I had been before. I was addicted to video games at that time, playing ~6h on schooldays and 12+h on weekends. I didn't tell any of my schoolmates about my loss because I was too embarassed. My biggest regret is that I never had the chance to really talk openly, from man to man with my father.

Thankfully my mother forced me to pick up martial arts which was a lifesaver for me and so I gradually improved my life, overcome my social anxiety, created incredible bonds to my male bros etc.

[–]sky_fallen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was terrible for me, I was behaving irresponsibly towards him before he died so I never got to tell him I appreciated him. I was at a low point myself. Strangely it has not prevented me from getting on with things, probably the opposite, but I feel sad. I have become much more stoic and bleak about everything. I haven't made a connection with anyone since.

I like to remember some of the things he told me. What would he think of this, that, like he is still guiding me , but I never really had his guidance until I was 18 because it was a sad story all along in my childhood...