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LTR driving an hour away to meet Chad from her past... (self.asktrp)

submitted by ScarletVenom243

I'm unclear how to handle this. I'm a bit worked up but trying not to come across as a jealous beta with this. Just tell me the wise way to handle this.

My LTR (of 10 mos.) I asked her what her plans were for this weekend and she said, "Um...well I'm actually meeting Matt for lunch". Who??? I've never heard of Matt and have no idea who this person is, she's never brought him up before at all in 10 months. I probed but think I held frame and said "Oh is that someone from work?". She said that he was a friend from her last job 2 years ago and they hadn't seen each other in a while. I don't know the full details but I know that she's driving more than an hour away to meet him for lunch in the city that he lives in. I did give into temptation and FB stalked him using some of the clues she gave to me about him. He's a fairly successful guy, handsome and muscular, works in business administration (I work in education) and I think he plays or used to play minor league baseball so he's still got that body. That's all I got. I asked what she had planned for after lunch and she said "Oh, I might do some shopping in that city since I haven't been there in a while." Basically, once she meets Matt she'll be unavailable the rest of the entire day. She gave scant details of their past, she just kept saying "he's my friend" / "he's my good friend".

So I'm not sure what to do. Say something and appear jealous? Say nothing at all and then she doesn't know I don't like her driving to meet some random guy I've never heard of? If they made plans to meet for lunch an hour away, then that means they've been calling / texting / emailing back and forth and I knew nothing about it until I asked what she was up to. When I asked what she was doing tomorrow she seemed taken off guard. Or maybe it's just all in my head and I need to relax. I don't know. I do care about her and I guess I just... I don't know. I've tried not to be in situations with other women, I most certainly haven't driven an hour away to see anyone of the opposite gender. I think I'm triggered since the last time a situation like this happened to me some years ago, that girl wound up getting pumped and dumped by the guy she told me was also "a friend". So this might just be me own stuff here.

How do I take control of this, or moving forward what steps would you advise? I don't know if she would cheat, but situations like this always make me think a girl is branch swinging...and I just don't want to be naive that a "good girl" could hurt me.

Thanks for letting me vent, just writing you made me feel a bit better. I care about her but I don't like this.


[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 115 points116 points  (22 children)

So a "friend" from a while back who she has never mentioned before, and gives sketchy details about ... and she clearly decided it was cool to go meet him without getting Clearance From The Tower, beforehand ... and this meating, er "meeting" will take place two hours away, during which time she will no doubt be in communications blackout.

Matt may be a totally chill guy, by WHY are you only learning about him now? Ex. I have a close female friend with whom I enjoy a mutually beneficial, non-romantic, non-sexual relationship, which is fine by both of us.1 We've known each other for 15-20 years. When she starts dating a new guy, she tells him about me early on, so there's no bullshit later. At some point thereafter, she will arrange for me to meet the guy, so he can get comfortable with me, and I can vet him for any douchebag tendencies.

Has she done anything like this with Matt for your benefit?

So this might just be me own stuff here.

Oh, I think your male hamster has a good sweat going on, now.

I care about her but I don't like this.

You shouldn't. She never mentioned this guy, although she clearly has been communicating with him, and she was "taken off guard", i.e. acting sketchy, oh, and it's St. Pat's, which is a great time to go get drunk and fuck.

You don't like it because your radar is pinging like mad. Why? Because you already know. How? See below.

"When there is doubt, there is no doubt."

-From "The Sayings of Chairman Zaitzev

Now, imagine if you were spinning plates or had a couple of FWB or OLTRs. Would you care if she was doing this? Nope, because you wouldn't be watching 100% of your pussy supply walking out the door. You gave her commitment in exchange for exclusivity, and look where that got you.

For me, this would be a dumpable offense, although you might consider a downgrade instead. But you need to withdraw your commitment, because she is not valuing it properly.

So, for your edification, here's how it should have went (note this for your NEXT girlfriend): When she drops this sort of thing on you, you come back with, "Oh, so we're seeing other people. Got it. Go have fun." She will protest and you will reply, "Oh, so I'm supposed to be ok with you rolling off to see some secret, unknown guy I've never met but with whom you have obviously been communicating behind my back/without telling me. Maybe other girls do that, but my girlfriend doesn't."2 You will then close the discussion. You will not act butthurt, you will not raise your voice. If she asks if you want her to not go, you will say, "Look, you already know the right answer to this. But it's your choice to make."

In this case, I would assume the worst and act accordingly. Downgrade, at a minimum. You can even run a post-game protocol on the "I think we should see other people.

Her: "Wha...?"

You: "Oh, I thought that's what we were doing. With you going off to see some guy you never told me about, even though you've been communicating with him behind my back, and decided to make out of town plans with without ever mentioning him to me. So yeah, I guess we're seeing other people."

Her: "[HAMSTER!! HAMSTER-HAMSTER!! HAAAAAAAMSTTTTTTIRRRR!!!]"

You: "Look, I don't even want to talk about it now. See you around."

The go no contact, and let her hamster go nuts. Go about your business. It will have the effect of dreading the fuck out of her. After a few days, return her texts or calls and basically say "Look, I don't know how you possibly thought this would be cool." Do not withdraw your "seeing other people" bit. Make her EARN it back. Oh, and if she sees other people, fucking DUMP HER ASS like you should have already.

1 She cooks for me occasionally and does any mending I need done, and I handle "man stuff" for her, if she isn't in a relationship. She has pimped her friends to me in the past, and we have, from time to time, been each other's "date" to corporate functions where you need someone who understands the game, etc.

2 I'm swinging the Sword of Justice pretty hard, here. Just go with it.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Brilliant execution!

[–]Platos_slow_brother 5 points6 points  (5 children)

Why would you bother spending so much time after she already spent a day with Chad getting railed?

OP should be done with her, not trying to dread her post-coital Chad Hookup.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Why would you bother spending so much time after she already spent a day with Chad getting railed?

I wouldn't. For me, this would be a dumpable offense, as I noted. I just don't think the OP is psychologically ready for that. Bear in mind he was trying to rationalize this away as "his stuff". You have to get that boulder to start rolling down the hill a little before it can hit full speed.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

There is so much gold in everything you wrote on here, I've actually been processing it the last hour or so which is why I haven't responded to all your points. But yes looking objectively, my hamster has been running at full speed thinking maybe I'm just being irrational and that this is all my stuff, but point by point by point of what you have written has helped me to see some things. You're right, I'm not really psychologically ready to break up but with everything everyone has said already I need to probably get over that and just move on. Thanks for all the effort you put into answering this--- she's currently with Matt right now. So if I'm not psychologically ready, I need to GET psychologically ready.

[–]Westernhagen 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm not really psychologically ready to break up

If you don't break up, then both of you know that she has cucked you and you accepted it. Henceforth, she won't respect you, and you won't respect yourself. Are you psychologically ready for that?

Another way of looking at her trip to see Chad is that it was step one in her breaking up with you. If you sacrifice your self-respect in a (futile) effort to save the relationship, you will lose your self respect and lose the relationship anyway. Lose-lose.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You don't need to be psychologically ready. All you need is self respect.

This chick shit all over you, man.

Fuck her.

[–]creepyThrowawayP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's already done something worse than a breakup to you, if you are not ready now you will be never ready.

[–]Entrefut 6 points7 points  (2 children)

This is probably one of my favorite responses to a question I've seen on here. Really well thought out. I'm curious about something with your friend though, since I'm currently trying to find a good balance of having female friends or fucking them instead. Did you ever date this friend, or has this always been your arrangement with her?

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Never dated her, never wanted to. She's in that spot on the continuum where I understand why other men find her attractive, but I do not - she's far too short for my tastes, plus she's a single mom. I knew her right before she married husband #2. Our friendship has, of course, continued, as before, after their divorce.

I have a few girls like her around, mostly women I knew when I was in school or such. Ex. My former one-itis from the time I was 8 (actually, in fairness, she was everyone's one-itis. If life was like the movies, she would have been making slow-motion entrances everywhere she went.) She became my FWB some years on and eventually she figured out that I wasn't going to marry her and she married someone else. But yeah, we do have that "secret language" of former lovers on top of having known each other for a few decades. She really kept her looks. She is always impeccably turned out and looks like she stepped out of the "MILFs of Greenwich" section of the Brooks Brothers catalog.

A man I know who is approaching 80 told me some time ago that, when you get older, it's nice to have people around who knew you when you were younger. As I get older, I understand more and more what he meant. <==This is starting to sound like it's going to be part of a top-level post.

[–]Entrefut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awesome man love your writing. I'll be keeping so much of this in mind, thank you.

[–]empatheticapathetic 4 points5 points  (3 children)

For me at least, it would be hard to pull off that explanation to her without seeming butthurt.

Would it be more advantageous to mention a specific girl you may have had your eye on? Or would she just hamster that into justification?

[–]BestSC86 6 points7 points  (2 children)

No, mentioning a girl is the epitome of butthurt and you should never do that.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 8 points9 points  (1 child)

This. Her hamster will torment her more if she doesn't know.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Always say less than necessary!

[–]Deep_Asheru 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man, I feel like I just leveled up in life just by reading this.

[–]Mudmen12 3 points4 points  (0 children)

this could be a post by itself, Quality content.

[–]Snufek 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Do you spare a copy of "The Sayings of Chairman Zaitzev"? Would love the pre-feminism uncensored edition, but couldn't find it anywhere.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I'm in the process of collecting them. When I get to 50 or a hundred, I will publish on the main sub.

[–]Snufek 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great, looking forward to it!

[–]JorixKienu 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I don't know about this Zaitzev guy, but the quote is also from a 1998 movie called Ronin with Robert De Niro and Jean Reno. Nice movie and this line from De Niro character is epic.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 3 points4 points  (1 child)

And that quote is a derivative from an older aphorism: "When in doubt, don't."

"The art of being original is remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." I'd tell you where I heard that, but I forgot.1 /grin

Put another way, good poets write, great poets steal.2

1 Actually, it was from Laurence Peter, who is more famous for the eponymous "Peter Principle". The addendum is my own.)

2 Lord Byron...or was it?

[–]JorixKienu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice to meet you, Chairman Zaitzev.

So it seems that I'm naturally versed in the art of being original as my memory allways strike to the concepts but struggle with attributions.

This days google help a lot but the real importance of giving proper credit is more an affair of monkeys ego, in my very insignificant understanding.

In the end, everyone is (mis)quoting someone else 99.99% of the time, as you point out with another famous quote, and even if this kind of references games can be fun for a while , if nobody take it too seriously.

I miss at all this " Peter Principle" you mentioned.

[–]Mudmen12 37 points38 points  (6 children)

I don't know how deep you are into swallowing the pill but it is clear what is happening, you are losing her and your frame in equal measure. "Whoever cares less has the most power"-RP foundation, Will she fuck Matt? maybe anything can happen.

You need to be real with yourself how have you been improving you SMV since the beginning of the relationship. Lifting 4+ times a week, eating right, learning new skills/hobbies. What are you doing to keep her interested in you.

My suggestion is go cold on her and withdraw a lot of attention, look at the married Rp sub for concrete strategies (very important to not be bitter/salty falling further into her frame). She is testing your frame and you're failing badly. Go out tonight with some friends and enjoy yourself, have fun and let off some steam. Fuck it and take the whole weekend to enjoy yourself.

Edit- If in 10 months you haven't absorbed and applied LTR rp game on the sidebar by now you are deserving of this level of behaviour. That is some of the best content to take any LTR from nothing to a perfect relationship. this is purely on you u/ScarletVenom243

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Agreed. I need to reread the sidebar. I'm definitely going to work on improving my SMV, I think his is higher than mine. I don't know if she's going to fuck Matt but I haven't heard from her today so...

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 3 points4 points  (2 children)

but I haven't heard from her today so...

I'd be interested in an update when you do.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hey man, Well, the main update is she called me after midnight so some 23 something hours later (driving time to see Matt, stay in his city all day for "shopping", driving time back then about an hour after she got in). I tried to play it cool, so we exchanged pleasantries. After a few minutes, I said (and tell me if I messed up here or not), But I said, "So how was lunch today with your friend?" (I didn't do it in a butthurt way, but rather matter-of-factly). She then said, "Fine. So how things going with the... [changes topic to my project at work due at the end of this week]." After 7 min total on the phone, she said she was tired and heading off to bed since her day was so busy.

Matt spent more time with my LTR than I did. And that was that... thoughts? You seem to have good thoughts about this.

[–]BoerknTrigger 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really like the tone and content of this post. Take my upvote.

[–]Docbear64 82 points83 points  (19 children)

Yeah I think this would be a demotion to plate status at best if not an outright break up for me . The chick you are in an LTR with was going to be in a city ( an hour away I might add) with a former attractive successful lover of hers and unavailable all day and had you not asked about her weekend she wasn't going to tell you ?

I mean does anymore need to be said ?

[–]cappingPeople 17 points18 points  (2 children)

I was 50/50 after reading the post but this just hit the nail on the head. She wouldn't have said what she was up to if he didn't ask. That's plate status at best.

[–]WinstonMcFail 5 points6 points  (0 children)

How could you be 50/50? The situation is ridiculous whether she tells him about it or not.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep, and the reason she wasn't going to tell him about it is because she knows it is wrong. This also makes it more clear that it is not an innocent meet up with a friend because she would not have hidden something like that.

[–]Platos_slow_brother 9 points10 points  (6 children)

Instant "over", imho. She is traveling for Chad.

ANyone want to guess if she is going to be freshly-showered, waxed, coiffed, and wearing her sexiest underwear to go "have coffee with a friend?"

Is anyone here actually under some sort of impression women drive an hour to see hot men they had sex with just to "catch up?"

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 3 points4 points  (4 children)

ANyone want to guess if she is going to be freshly-showered, waxed, coiffed, and wearing her sexiest underwear to go "have coffee with a friend?"

This ^ is deliciously brutal, mostly because it rings true. Not only the above, but she's driving two hours because she wants the D.

Matt's D. Not the OP's.

By contrast, one of my OLTRs is off visiting her family this weekend. She went out last night with her BFF, who I know, and who is a cool chick, if a bit on the attention-whorish side. The BFF and I get along fine, and she isn't constantly trying to undermine me. So when I say they went out, they went out for an early dinner and my OLTR was home by 7pm. She texted me to let me know. That's what girls do when they want to be held accountable, and want a man to feel secure about them.

Now bear in mind, I don't make her text me, and I also realize that she could totally be out taking a mile of cock for all I know, but that's more theoretical than probable. And even if she was, I have another OLTR plus a couple of side pieces, so I would simply cut her loose and that would be that. She took the pledge to get to OLTR status, and if she violates the pledge and I find out about it, she's toast.

The OP, OTOH, is a thirsty guy (self-inflicted) with no other options at the moment (because he already gave his commitment) and he's afraid of losing 100% of his pussy supply. Tell me which one of us sleeps better at night.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

It's true. I didn't sleep at all last night. And today, she hadn't texted or called at all to let me know when she woke, when she left, where she's at, if she got to the city safely or if she's even alive right now. I most certainly don't know when she's returning home. Do I feel secure...absolutely not. But she texted / called / emailed Matt I'm sure to confirm plans. So I did this to myself.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You didn't do shit. She did

But now you need to do something. Quit being a vagina and end it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think you need to take this girl off the pedestal and admit this to yourself: you're in a LTR with a shady bitch that doesn't respect you and isn't really into the relationship and wanting it to work.

Please end this.

[–]LethalShade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tell you what, if you're not ready to dump her, try this as an experiment. See how long she goes without contacting you without you saying anything to her. I mean, you already said she's gone cold on you the whole day, that already paints a picture but see how long she goes.

[–]Docbear64 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course they do for their " good friend" , right ?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

What's enraging is when women act naive or gaslight you about this shit?

"What? This is normal and all my GFs do it and their men are okay with it. Are you just really jealous or insecure? Because I don't like how you are trying to control me!"

Still can't figure out whether they believe their own bullshit or not.

[–]Docbear64 1 point2 points  (1 child)

They absolutely believe their own bullshit because to them they haven't done anything wrong. They may lay the breadcrumbs leading to a situation but until it happens they take offense to the idea that they are anything less than virtuous and even after they do something wrong most of them have a hard time even entertaining what they did was in effect a bad thing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is partly why all women repeat to themselves and others ad nauseum that they don't regret anything in their past because it made them who they are today. Buried in their is their egocentrism very surely. They don't even regret what they did that hurt others because it made them who they are today.

[–]nsquared5 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Just curious. Why did she tell OP the truth in that case? She could have blatantly lied about it. OR Is there a reverse psychology in play instead?

With that said, you are right about demoting her to a plate status in whichever case.

[–]Luis_McLovin 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Because she doesn't care.

She has so little respect for OP that she'll tell it to his face.

She's in the mindset that either she knows he'll accept it and let her walk over him, or that she doesn't care if there are consequences.

/u/ScarletVenom243

[–]Platos_slow_brother 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Why did she tell OP the truth in that case?

She didn't. She trickle-truthed. The truth is, "I am going to see a guy I am really hot for. I will be with him all day. I am pretending to myself that sex is not the outcome I am planning."

You know perfectly well she will be wearing a hot outfit with sexy underwear, for her old lover. But hey, nuuuuuthing is going to happen. /slysmile

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She didn't. She trickle-truthed.

This. Exactly this.

[–]Docbear64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because she hasn't done anything wrong and the hamster is real , the whole " it just happened" mindset is easier to approach when you behave in a way that absolves you of guilt .

I remember last year a friend of mine told me that on St. Patricks day she invited a random dude who was complaining about being alone on facebook over to her apartment, had drinks, and got fucked ... because shit " just happens" . She "just happened" to initiate a message , he "just happened" to be alone that night , she "just happened" to be ready with drinks, and then he " just happened " to fall into her vagina .

If we put that same mentality on OP's post She "just happens" to be visiting a good friend this weekend, she " just happens" to be in a situation where she will unavailable for hours at a time , he "just happens" to live an hour away ..... I wonder what else could " just happen " ?

The unfortunate thing for her is that the OP just happened to ask about her weekend and it sounds like she has underplayed the extent of her relationship with her " good friend ".

[–]jupc 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Trickle truth.

But also, women want to share 'positive news' in their life.

He's important enough to qualify as 'positive news'.

[–]truthseeker201 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This is where you go completely cold on her, but NEVER mention it had anything to do with this matt guy. Act like you have girlfriends to hang out with or something. These dread games girls play on guys, I'm convinced is a result of YOU not playing any dread on her. Someone is always dreading, remember that

[–]Tiway22 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Immediately demote to plate. She didn't even bring it up - you had to ask. She's obviously got different priorities.

[–]Westernhagen 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The problem with "demote to plate" is that it allows her to wheedle and lie her way back into his good graces, and it allows him to surrender to his feelings of one-itis. Unless the OP already has considerable experience spinning plates, he should next her and go get that experience spinning plates so this doesn't happen again.

[–]LayMan25 11 points12 points  (0 children)

She was never yours, time to try out a new one

[–]skittles_man 10 points11 points  (6 children)

In my experience, a girl whom is completely satisfied with her LTR will not have any other guys on her radar. Also, women, for the most part, are the laziest fucking creatures on the planet. So, the fact that she's willing to drive an hour out of her way to go meet some guy that she hasn't seen in two years should send up all kinds of red flags. Your gut is telling you that something is a miss, which is 200,000 years of human evolution to GTFO. You know deep down that there's a good possibility that she's getting ready to branch swing. At least she's entertaining the idea.

If I were you, I would start distancing myself immediately and making plans to either demote to plate status or jump ship. That being said, don't say anything in the interim. If you confront her now, she'll spin it to make YOU look like the bad guy, which will just make you feel worse. Give her enough rope and she'll hang herself.

If for whatever reason it turns out that she hooked up with this dude, you have to go no contact forever. Delete her from everything. Never giver her the satisfaction of getting the last word in.

Also, I think that it's fair to say that you need to reacquaint your self with the sidebar.

Best of luck.

[–]neveragoodtime 5 points6 points  (4 children)

That 200,000 years of evolution is because the guys who didn't care if their mate went to see a guy friend ended up without children, raising her guy friend's kid as their own. The guys that did care passed that gut feeling into their own kids.

OP needs to take precautions here that is gut is telling him, things he shouldn't have to do if he's promoting the right girl to LTR. My guess is she wasn't vetted nearly enough, that this surprise comes out 10 months in.

If she does hook up with him, she's going to want to have sex right when she gets back. A) to pass on any STDs so she can imagine you had them first B) in case of accidental pregnancy a month later she can imagine the kid is yours C) it might help her feelings of guilt.

She didn't handle this situation well and that is shady as fuck. You need to withdraw LTR status, even if that means full break up, whether she goes or not. Hopefully you can be busy for the next month and have very limited contact. Then re-evaluate a non exclusive relationship on your terms and see if she wants to continue.

[–]TRP_MushaShugyo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A) to pass on any STDs so she can imagine you had them first B) in case of accidental pregnancy a month later she can imagine the kid is yours

Holy shit, I bet some women would actually do that. Insane.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This is a good post. My gut tells me this is all wrong, but you're right--- I didn't vet well enough before giving committment and now I haven't heard from my LTR all day who literally could be getting pumped and dumped as we speak an hour away.

I don't think she's LTR material and you're right.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Theres no need to think. We are telling you straight up.

This isn't one of those gray areas where there are some different options.

This is a girl blatantly showing she doesn't give a shit about you.

[–]neveragoodtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's no judgement from this group, a lot of us out speaking from our own experience, going through the same thing you are.

[–]askmrcia 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So, the fact that she's willing to drive an hour out of her way to go meet some guy that she hasn't seen in two years should send up all kinds of red flags

Yup.

If you confront her now, she'll spin it to make YOU look like the bad guy, which will just make you feel worse.

Yup agree. OP don't even confront her or argue. I'm telling you. You will get a reputation of being the controlling asshole boyfriend that all friends and family will label you as.

Good advice Skittles.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"I'm not sure I'm interested in spending much time with you anymore"

"I think our ideal values and goals may differ, and see no point in wasting each other's time"

"I'm sure we'll find someone who is capable of providing what we both need"

After you're done with her, internalize more. Otherwise it'll happen again and again.

[–]Herdsengineers 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Dump her and move on. You don't take control of this situation. You take control of you. You respect yourself first. You do that by not allowing people who disrespect you to do it again, especially women.

What she's doing is very disrespectful. If she valued you the way any LTR should, she wouldn't disregard you like this. Value and respect yourself by not tolerating this bullshit.

[–]1walawalawa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great comment....I had something very similar where the girl I was banging who had been trying to box me into an LTR started up hanging around with a "friend" of mine....one time she blew me off so I soft nexted her...not very well. She appeared in a FB photo a week later with my friend at a party.

I broke the "soft next" and texted her the photo...It turned out she immediately admitted she asked him out because I wasn't "available"...I broke it off...she begged me to stay and she would fix it. She did....she banged my brains out. But it was never the same after that. I became more suspicious...I would put her down at the slightest provocation.

Finally...She mouthed off to me and I hard nexted her 2 months ago. I then learned from ANOTHER friend he had taken her out and she got sloppy drunk and threw herself at him.

I wanted to punch this guy...but I was so stunned by the whole thing...the whole triangulation, how stupid it all way..."You take control of you."

I did...after soft nexting her I focused on me...started banging other girls again. The other day I meet this hot 27 year old at a party...I invite her out for dinner, drinks...she tells me she's married...I could bang her but decide...nah....but I take her to a party and ex is there...Sweet sweet revenge and I never had to do a thing... Good advice dude..."Take control of you."

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a GREAT comment, I actually copied this and pasted it somewhere so I can see it on my laptop. She doesn't value the LTR at all like I do. So now I see. Thanks.

[–]Voshe 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dude you need to dump this one right away.

[–]mcr00sterdota 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If she is seriously going to do that to you (or has already done it) that is huge disrespect towards you and I would prepare to jump ship.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)

[deleted]

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"She knows so keep your trap shut".

I'm going to play it cool and not mention a thing. Good advice.

[–]TRP_MushaShugyo 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What if she asks why, and presses him about it? What do you do?

[–]Platos_slow_brother 5 points6 points  (3 children)

tl;dr: She is traveling for dick.

She said that he was a friend from her last job 2 years ago and they hadn't seen each other in a while.

So she is a liar.

Basically, once she meets Matt she'll be unavailable the rest of the entire day. She gave scant details of their past, she just kept saying "he's my friend" / "he's my good friend".

/rollingeyeballs

So I'm not sure what to do.

She is not LTR worthy. Time to move on. I would simply understand that you two just broke up, and get on with life. Inform her whenever you want. And when she acts stunned, you shrug and say, "I don't date women who travel to meet up with other guys for day-long dates I assumed you knew that. Totally not my scene."

When she sputters and tries to put it back on you, don't have it, just shrug and say, "I don't have day-dates with other people when in a relationship. You do. We are incompatible. Have a good life."

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

"I would simply understand that you two just broke up, and get on with life."

This is the hard part but you're right. I wouldn't do this to her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So your morals and views on relationships do not match.

I've had GFs do shady shit and stuck around after. I don't know if they cheated, but there's a good chance.

Everyone here is trying to save you from that.

[–]Westernhagen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

you shrug and say, "I don't date women who travel to meet up with other guys for day-long dates I assumed you knew that. Totally not my scene." When she sputters and tries to put it back on you, don't have it, just shrug and say, "I don't have day-dates with other people when in a relationship. You do. We are incompatible. Have a good life."

Don't DEER. Ghost and next. It's tough to STFU, because you want to rant and rave and assert moral superiority, but any of that will give her the satisfaction of believing She Is The Real Victim. Just remember that if you STFU and next her that will drive her more crazy than anything else you could do.

[–]TheCello 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You re fucked Lol. Dump her and have some respect of yourself

[–]FunAndFreedom 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've been there. Just end it.

Don't ask questions, don't give her the satisfaction of begging for her to stay. Just casually end it.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

At least she didn't lie when he asked. Now he knows it was actually an open relationship the whole time!

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Trickle truth buddy. Matt is her "good friend". Yeah right..

[–]Platos_slow_brother 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Now he knows it was actually an open relationship the whole time!

With women, it always is---just as soon as a high enough SMV guy raises his eyebrow in the right way at her, she gives herself the "it just happened!" pass. After seeing it so many times for so many years, I don't even get annoyed by it anymore. It is just the software that is running.

Sorry, guys, that is just how evolution dealt the cards. You get no choice in the matter, except how you react to the card game's real rules (once you learn them) and then play the hand you have.

[–]brinkleybuzz 3 points4 points  (1 child)

She gave scant details of their past, she just kept saying "he's my friend" / "he's my good friend".

Sounds like trickle truth. The less she says about him, the greater the chance they were lovers. If their relationship was strictly platonic she would probably say more because she would have nothing to hide.

So looks like we have an Alpha Fux, Beta Bux situation here. Guess which one you are.

If you're OK with your status in the relationship as your girl's source of comfort and provision and not her source of tingles, then do nothing. If you aren't, then next her and focus on improving yourself.

[–]Platos_slow_brother 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Looks like we have an Alpha Fux, Beta Bux situation here. Guess which one you are.

This is the essence. Everything else everyone is saying is just word salad.

[–]flam3srock 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Schroedingers Hoe.

We have no way of knowing what is going through her mind, and you have no way of verifying (nor should you bother.) But it sounds like Matt is objectively higher SMV than you. For any self-respecting man this is not the type of behaviour tolerated inside a monogamous LTr. For a woman to pursue such action implies that you have soft boundaries (beta tendancies) or have given her too much comfort.

It could be she is testing your frame. It could be she is guaging his interest - classic branch swinging. It could be she enjoys the aspect of sneaking around and cucking you and acting all innocent about it, I have seen this first hand on both sides. Unless Matt is a flaming homosexual who works the night shift at 7-11 between video game sessions it is very unlikely to be just friends. Women are NOT FRIENDS with dudes that don't provide value. What is she getting that she is going so far out of her way to exclude you from these good times? It sounds more like he is a well-put together man who your LTR would like to fuck.

You know what to do. You are going to feel like the sky is falling, how could she do this to me, etc etc etc screaming on the inside we have all been there. Your inner beta is burning to death. The most important thing is to maintain your dignity and calm. Don't resist it. Facebook gym etc.

If you don't live together, great. There's no discussion to be had, just next time she contacts you 'I don't want to be in a relationship anymore and I wish you the very best. Take care xox'

[–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LTR - > plate

There. Done.

Why did you type so much drivel?

[–]silver-gun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I hope it's the last time you call her "My LTR".

[–]htbf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel like puking a little.

[–]GreenPiller 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I experienced the same thing. Me and my ex had a huge fight. I called her 2 days later at night. I could tell she was driving, I apologized and all she told me was. "I'll call you later, I have to do something" (Get railed by Chad) She didnt call me and I ended it 2 days later. Fuck that hoe man. End it now. She is nothing but a huge piece of shit.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If he doesn't update at all, then the smart money is on that he confronted her, they had a big fight, she accused him off all sorts of personality flaws, she swears on her cat's grave that nothing happened, and he tucks his tail between his legs and eats his feelings for a little while longer because this chick is hot and he doesn't have abundance yet.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Hey bro

Well, the main update is she called me after midnight so some 23 something hours later (driving time to see Matt, stay in his city all day for "shopping", driving time back then about an hour after she got in). I tried to play it cool, so we exchanged pleasantries. After a few minutes, I said (and tell me if I messed up here or not), But I said, "So how was lunch today with your friend?" (I didn't do it in a butthurt way, but rather matter-of-factly). She then said, "Fine. So how things going with the... [changes topic to my project at work due at the end of this week]." After 7 min total on the phone, she said she was tired and heading off to bed since her day was so busy. I posted this same response to /u/VasiliyZaitzev a little earlier in the thread. I forgot to add that I didn't hear from her on Sunday and didn't initiate calling or texting or anything since I posted on here. Last night she called me several times and I didn't pick up and she called me super early this morning and sent me a couple "are you ok", "where are you" texts and I haven't answered them.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So are you applying dread or ghosting her?

[–]creepyThrowawayP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, there are no doubts that she has been railed by Chad.

Once I have read an article written by a girl about her cheating, she spun it that it was purely sexual, to satisfy her curiosity and lust so she did not feel guilty and right after he was done with her and left she immediately "needed" to get back with her BF.

This is AF/BB, after she got the seed now she wants the best provider...

You should just start treating her like an ex and if she asks wtf? Tell her that "oh, you drove two hours to some guy that I don't know and spent the day there for me that meant breaking up." and this should be it.

[–]marlybarrow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update since then?

[–]mty_green_go 1 point2 points  (0 children)

dude, what a bitch. She never even mentioned him and she's going to go spend the weekend with him while you're in a LTR? She doesn't even have the decency to check with you first... she obviously doesn't respect you.

If it were me, honestly at this point in my life if I was still dating I would just break up with her or just keep her around for fucking (if you want). I'm pretty sure if I did the same thing , but it was a girl, I would be divorced shortly thereafter.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

[–]askmrcia 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ahhh OP, my last LTR pulled this shit on me. Noticed I said "LAST LTR."

I hate to say it, but deep down inside you know what's going on. And to be honest, she doesn't even have to fuck him. She could be (most likely is) re-kindling old strings and eventually she will have someone she can screw on the side.

Now you left out some very important details. How is the sex? Is she starting fights with you over some dumb shit? Any changes in her behavior lately?

If you answer yes to any of those questions then again, you know what's going on.

How do I take control of this, or moving forward what steps would you advise? I don't know if she would cheat, but situations like this always make me think a girl is branch swinging

Not much you can do. Just act like it doesn't affect you. If I were you, I start mentally checking out of this relationship and start either treating her like a plate or just ending it all together. Its clear that this behavior is getting to you for you to bring it here.

And yes, she is planning to branch swing or have a nice fling on the side. Either or I would not put up with this shit.

Some guys on here will tell you to act like you have other options and all that shit (which you should). But me personally, I'm not in to playing all those games. If the chick wants to leave and sleep with some minor league loser then she can go right ahead. Chances are that guy is only going to use her for sex and she will be crying to get you back (they always do).

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this post. There haven't been arguments per se but she's become more withdrawn in the last 2-3 weeks so... kinda know where that is heading.

Time to mentally start checking out. I can get a better LTR.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She's going to have his cock in her mouth. She knows exactly what she's doing. She knows it's wrong. She's doing it anyway. Next her with extreme prejudice.

[–]jeteraway2345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Might as well have some fun and tell her she isn't allowed to go, and see what happens. Either way, set up something for yourself that day/night.

[–]huntersam13 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If she was really just going to me a guy friend and she respected you, she would asked you if you were ok with it. At the very least, she would have told you about it without you needing to ask.

[–]neveragoodtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or asked if he wanted to drive into the city together.

[–]lots-of-tacos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time to break up lol

[–]trainwithlino 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Like Rollo says: the answer is always "spin more plates." Look man, you gotta be willing to take an L. One for your biggest strengths is the ability to walk away: it will show you have options. Options means competition anxiety and the doubt you got something of higher value going on (you should.) She's Fenagle-ing her way onto another dudes dick. If a chick wants a dick there ain't distance or law or situation that will get in her way. Something happened in the last 10 months that made her feel like you aren't "the shit" and some higher value dick was lurking (it always is, but the PERCEIVED value relative to yours is what matters.) If she thought you we're the shit she wouldn't risk losing you. Let her do whatever she wants, she doesn't owe you shit. Same goes the other way. I would just ignore her till she asks "is something wrong?" And then calmly tell her your time is too valuable to spend on dishonest people. Let HER incriminate herself. She's gonna cry and say it wasn't her fault/didn't meant to, and that's when you walk away. If you had any value to her, she'll want to fix things, and you keep her as a plate if you so choose.

[–]ScarletVenom243[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Thank you, I think you're right I have no value to her anymore at least as of today.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I would ignore people telling you to plate her.

That is very hard to do when you already have feelings for someone and you are new to TRP.

If you plate her, then you will most likely start back into a LTR eventually and try to get over this/fight over/try to erase your mind.

[–]trainwithlino 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are assuming he's away serial monogamist.

The answer is always spin more plates, even more so if he's willingly in a LDR.

You shouldn't let someone monopolize resources you require, that gives them power over you. If you do end up in a monopolized situation, you HAVE to be able to walk away at any moment.

[–]aretardation 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd next her ass. But personally I'd employ some dread and casually let her know about something you'll be doing that's on the same level. Ex, make some plans with her then break them because something came up that you really want to go do. Then go cold on her. Watch her hamster around and don't show the slightest bit of emotion about it. Know if you do this she's more than likely going to fuck this guy to "get back at you" but that sounds like what's going to happen anyway soooo......

[–]PM_ME_UR_RP_T_AWAY 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't need to read the rest the title says it all. Leave her dude, you lost.

Or do what the beta you wants you to do as an experiment to see what will happen, it won't be pretty though.

I would just ghost her.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's an LTR so you obviously have some long term plans with her. Or at least you're considering it. Now imagine she is your wife and the mother of your two children. She does the same thing she does now. Do think it's an acceptable thing for a wife and a mother to do? You know the answer, you're just here to seek validation to not feel like an asshole when you do the only thing you can do. Hard next.

You say nothing, you let her go, and when she comes back you'll be waiting for her next to a bag with all her things in it and you tell her that this relationship is over. If she asks why, you reply that the women you date know that it's not acceptable to do what she did.

[–]ProfessorSlapaho 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think I agree with Zaitzev on this one - you need to dump her and not look back. But you're likely not emotionally prepared.

you need to stand up for how you feel, cause it's a slippery slope. once that rock starts moving downhill, there's no stopping it. she should always be respecting you, it's as simple as that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would break up with this girl before she leaves. I would not give her an ultimatum and make her not go. She wants to do fucked up shit (even if she doesn't cheat this is still fucked up), wasn't even going to tell you until you asked, and she cares little about seeing things from your view/having empathy/respecting you/not losing your relationship. You don't want to be with a woman like this.

Women don't drive an hour away to do "innocent" things with men while in a relationship.

They may or may not have dated/fucked in the past.

What is most likely occurring is she wants to keep you for security but desires this guy and wants to go try things out to see if he would want her and then she will dump you for him.

You are trying to be super understanding and enlightened and not jealous, and she is using that trait in you.

A few years ago, shit like this was totally unacceptable and pretty much everyone agreed.

Imagine a wife in the 1980s being okay with her husband driving an hour to spend a day with another woman?

And don't kid yourself, she isn't going shopping in that city afterward. She is planning to spend the day with this guy.

She may or may not physically cheat with sex. But this is still emotional infidelity at the least.

If you will stay in a relationship with someone that does this, then she will lose even more respect for you.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

[–]creepyThrowawayP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is how an ignorant cuck is made.

[–]MrGoodStuff05 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok so here is what I would do, and it might just be the inner blue pill in me so i might get thumbed down to oblivion.

But, i would be like "oh nice i got off work that day/dont have any plans, ill come with you itll be fun."

If she get angry and says "NO! You cant come!" Then you know shes fucking him.

If shes meh about it, but still lets you come, she was probably going to fuck him, but she knows the game.

If shes excited and happy youre coming, and wants to show you off to the other guy, then he was just a beta orbiter.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Set up a situation where you slam her at her place, play her out for anal then afterwards, get up and say you're going to the bathroom to clean up but actually lock the bathroom door from the inside and sneak out the bathroom window. Delete and block her on everything and ghost until she comes crawling back on your terms.