How do you stop needing to feel validated by having sex with women? (self.asktrp)

submitted by beautifulexit

I've noticed that I have a problem. Getting laid is a pretty big source of validation for me, and when I'm not getting laid regularly I can sometimes slip into some more beta characteristics. I don't think it's a matter of pedestalizing women, but more of an insecurity thing. I tend to feel shitty about myself if I'm not having sex, even though I generally do well in that spectrum (I almost always have at least one plate). Has anyone had similar feelings and overcome them?

[–]mdcrubengonza 31 points32 points  (0 children)

You need to work on yourself more. You should be at a point where spending time in solitude is a blessing.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

You will realize pussy is just pussy.

One vag is so very much like the other, and the chase/work/validation of being finally being able to effortlessly jump into whatever one catches your eye on any specific night actually reduces the value of the commodity significantly.

It ceases becoming interesting because the goal loses it's value.

It's just pussy. A redpill guy can walk into any bar and pick the girl he's going to fuck. Then it becomes a rote numbers and pua game. Do this, say this, be bold, take home, fuck. Next.

Loses the shine. Becomes like laundry.

Does doing laundry validate you?

Take the pussy off the pedestal. The only reason it has value at all is you placed it up there yourself.

Knock it off.

[–]Fuck_You_Pay_moi 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Speak for yourself mate, i for one have a massive hard on for laundry...

[–]The_Lightskin_Wonder 33 points34 points  (0 children)

The other comment is a dumb response, but its the mechanic as having self control. You don't feel like hitting the gym , but you know better so you go anyways.

You don't feel validated due to lack of sex, but you know sex does not change you or your worth.

You may feel unattractive, but nothing has changed, and you know this maaaan. Ignore it and act on what you know and not how you feel, that's what women do.

[–]redlurker9 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm exactly like you, and in fact I posted about the same thing a few weeks ago. Here is my take on it.

Basically, you lack another great source of self-respect. I would bet that you don't have a mission that you live for. It is my case. At the moment I just moved to a new country two weeks ago and I have two plates currently, from tinder. Coming from someone who was depressed and suicidal in his twenties, and didn't know about trp until about six months ago, I'm quite satisfied. I do know however that if I'd were to have a dry spell for a few months, I would start losing self-esteem. Because I don't have a mission. I'm starting a new degree in computer science and it's great, but it's not yet to the point where I can just wake up the morning and code for fifteen hours and have a blast. When that will be the case, pussy will be irrelevant. I don't have friends, I don't have a mission, I don't have hobbies, the only things going for me are lifting (I'm extremely rigorous and it makes me feel great), having a healthy lifestyle and making a bit of money freelancing (basically I'll get my degree debt free, which is great!).

So yeah, when you'll be proud of what you're accomplishing in life (besides pussy), you won't need pussy to feed your self-esteem.

Give time time. That's what I'm doing. Good luck on your path.

[–]jakeyv123 8 points9 points  (0 children)

its a great question. this might sound strange, but the periods i have been without sex made me alpha. it encouraged me to step up, act like a man in my lifes direction and so get chicks.

your problem doesnt seem to be competence since you seem to hook up with chicks reguraly, it sounds like your identity as a man comes from the reactions of girls. which the answer is= step the fuck up with yourself and stop giving a fuck.

that behaviour is beta asf and you need to drop it. develop better horizons in your world. while the girls matter, they really dont.

[–]Arnoux 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am a failure. I felt the same as you. In a couple of years I have fucked a very high amount of girls.

Then the one I cared about left me. I realized, no matter how many girls I fuck, I will still be the same failure unless I change other parts of my life.

Also going to girls and fuck them takes a lot of valuable time. Some time later you will appreciate more the time.

[–]TRP VanguardHumanSockPuppet 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Stop for a moment and think about what a vagina actually is.

  • It's a warm tube of meat.
  • It's attached to a thing that cries, and obsesses over lip gloss colours, and complains about the air conditioning.
  • You can shoot your man gravy inside of it and make your urge go away for a few hours, so you can finally think in peace.

What does any of this have to do with your value as a man?

What do you even think IS a measure of a man's value?

[–]beautifulexit[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Sex is obviously not the measure of a man's value, but it's hard to overcome the lizard brain that tells you to pursue it relentlessly.

[–]TRP VanguardHumanSockPuppet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you know that sex is not the measure of your manhood, then why do you still see sex as a source of validation?

You must re-calibrate and see it merely as a source of pleasure.

Try hiring a whore. Then report back on how you felt after the experience.

[–]No_senses 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do awesome shit and accomplish goals that have nothing to do with sex.

[–]makethemflaunt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So, I think you may have the diagnosis wrong. It's not that getting laid is validating, per se, but that you only feel good about yourself after you've banged a hotty. There is an important difference. Why do you feel shitty about yourself normally but feel good about yourself after sex? Is it really "validation?" Or:

The endorphin and other chemicals rush that you receive after sex, coupled with the fact that the idea that this rush was earned, makes you feel really good. And, after it wears off, you want to go get it again, like a drug.

You feel shitty about yourself if you're not having sex. What that tells me is that you don't have a pursuit in your life which, when you realize some success, gives you an endorphin rush. It necessarily should be something physical, like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, or boxing, or running, or triathalon-training, or intense yoga poses, or lifting. You need a physical activity, like sex, which gives an earned endorphin rush. Also, the feel-good-about-yourself chemicals from non-sex physical activity accomplishments last longer.

Also, yeah, our circuitry is wired to need sex and have constant access to feel good in our bodies. Without it, our body gives us these shitty feelings to make us go looking for sex, so the species can continue. It's part of why I chose to have an LTR; it satisfies the demands of those evolutionary urges and frees my mind-body up for focus on other things.

[–]ex_addict_bro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Start having training sessions with men.

[–]AcidMal -5 points-4 points  (9 children)

There is some inner circuitry in humans no amount of rationality will overcome. Your job coming to the trp is to know this and not ask silly questions. You should be busy enough not to give a shit honestly.

[–]markdumte 7 points8 points  (3 children)

The "I am in full control of myself" people pisses me off. They are like a fucking cult, convincing themselves of "the truth", despite all the scientific evidence to the contrary. We are animal, biological machines, and our brain is not a logical computer, it will never be no matter how one tries. No human will ever be in full control of his mind.

You just have to accept it and learn to live with it, instead of trying to convince yourself of bullshit.

[–]AcidMal 2 points3 points  (1 child)

How do you have a pos 3 and im a neg 3 when you just agreed with me?

[–]makethemflaunt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

lol. Hilarious. I think they accidentally thought /u/markdumte was disagreeing with you.

[–]AcidMal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Prime example below...

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


    [–]AcidMal 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    This theory of yours is thin bro. Wheres the science? And the evidence? Just your personal opinion? Hm ok.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]AcidMal -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

      You are now indeed my intellectual superior because after reading that I must smash my head into the wall so hard that I will experience severe brain damage all in order to purge the ridiculous bullshit you have just forced me to read. Ignorance is bliss and you must be high as a kite off that level of delusion. I really wish you the best bro truly you need some luck.