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Possibly the most fucked up frame control I've ever had in my life (self.asktrp)

submitted by 319Skew

So, I'm not even sure how the hell I can properly convey what just occurred with me but I got to start somewhere. Sorry as this is a bit verbose but I'm trying to illustrate something that I'm struggling with understanding.

So almost 2 years ago, my ex decided that she had enough of me being supportive, understanding, and not loving her enough and our marriage ended. Basically, I made the cardinal rule of bieng weak infront of her (lost my job) and my marriage fell apart just after my son was born. Since then I've been reading and learning about the TRP and hitting the gym, working on myself and smashing women. However, I still deal with the very real divorce rape that I went through. Things are cold between us and I keep things civil for my son's sake. It's not easy because she tried to ruin my life with false allegations and even went as far as to reach out to my dead beat dad (my parents split when I was 8 and my dad ghosted me and my siblings when I was 13) for evidence and proof that I COULD escape with him to another country.

That's the kind of father that was abscent in my life. At any rate, my routine is pick up my son, drop off my son, ignore all the triggers (her buying a new car as a single mom, religious zeal, etc.) So, when imagine my surprise when I go and drop off my son only to see this man that I haven't seen in well over a decade, casually say 'hey'. I just put my son in his bed and prompty walked out. It took everything I had not to punch that man for trying to destroy my life (either directly or indirectly) and I barely held my cool enough not to yell at her for doing this.

I told this to my sister who reached out to him. She's at least on talking terms with my father and she found out that he's going to be living with my ex wife for 2 months.

This led me to 3 possible scenarios.

  • Scenario 1 - He's there to see his grandson and spend time with him

  • Scenario 2 - They're trying to entice me into some negative action to get me to go to court and lose my custody (Going with what she DOES not what she SAYS)

  • Scenario 3 - This is one that fucks with me. They're actually together in some way.

Now, I've made my bones with my ex moving on. I've been racking up notches and she tried to fuck up my life so I felt sorry and contempt for anyone that falls for that innocent doe trap but I can't shake the notion that my father could be that guy. It's irrational but nothing about them is rational.

My ex is vindictive ( went as far as to cut her hair once because she some girl was flirting with me) and my father has no moral compass that I'm aware of so it's an unlikely possibility but one that I don't have an appropriate response to

So, I'm asking you guys. Has anyone deal with something similar? How did you overcome it? I'm being cold and trying not to engage but it took a lot out of me not to react and this will be ongoing for 2 months.

Any help would be welcomed


[–]Retstortion 92 points93 points  (2 children)

Bro, cut ties with these people. And just see your son.

[–]RedKepler 23 points24 points  (0 children)

*bar his sister

[–]orezavi 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Also take your girlfriend / plate next time you meet your son and ex.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points  (4 children)

Alright, let's unpack this a bit:

I understand that it is very tempting to try and psychoanalyze why your Dad is doing what he is doing. In this case though, nothing good can come out of you thinking about this stuff. You cannot control what other people's actions are, you can only control your response to their actions.

Be cordial, say hi whenever you run into them/when they are taking the kid with them for the weekend and do the absolute bare minimum amount of interaction you can with them. If you are concerned they are trying to bait you into doing something stupid, record some audio when you are talking to them.

Better yet, when they come to pick up the kid, have your sister present in the house and let her talk to them. That way you don't even have to deal with those two.

The main point is this: You need to put this in your rear view mirror, and focus on making sure your kid has the best life possible. Don't let them live in your head rent free. Your new life is awesome, and at this point they are just a funny little footnote on your epic ass.

To reiterate: You can't control the petty stuff your Dad and Ex do, you can only control your response to their actions. For the sake of your child, do not sink to their level.

[–]helaughsinhidden 9 points10 points  (3 children)

If you are concerned they are trying to bait you into doing something stupid, record some audio when you are talking to them

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.appstar.callrecorder along with Google Drive

For the sake of your child, do not sink to their level.

Not only that, but remove any thoughts of harm. I am not even in this situation and feel like causing them both serious pain. In fact, this is so fucked up am about 60% sure you are trolling this sub

[–]319Skew[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Imagine how I feel living through this ordeal. I'm going through it and it's jarring to me.

[–]helaughsinhidden 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I did, for like a moment..... well I don't think I should share what I did in my simulation. Just know you aren't crazy for being extremely pissed off.

[–]319Skew[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks. It's just trying to manage this anger and be rational.

[–]Ruby_Red_Pill_Maker 35 points36 points  (1 child)

The title is not right, but it shows exactly what's goin on here. You HAVE frame control, you're doing good at it. You are just struggling with it like we all do.

You need meditation badly, you need to be able to blank your mind. Best of luck in that shitty situation. Do not engage in any real convo with them at all!

[–]319Skew[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thanks

[–]frequentlywrong 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Do not allow them to live in your head rent free. Laugh at their petty attempts to get under your skin. Stop thinking about it.

[–]lord-denning 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I guarantee she is trying to get a reaction out of you. Ignore completely and focus on your son.

[–]MRPFuckMe1 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Damn... that’s rough. Just here to say you have my sympathy and support.

[–]319Skew[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks

[–]PIGamer86 11 points12 points  (3 children)

That is a really rough situation. Be watchful if they're trying to hurt you. Women have done worse than injure their own children to get at the father. Be careful, keep the lines of communication open with your son, and be vigilant in looking for signs.

[–]tejas22 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I saw a post on r/relationship_advice where the woman killed his child or children (not sure) just because the husband decided to divorce her. She literally murdered her own child(ren) just to get back at him.

[–]DeusVictor 2 points3 points  (1 child)

She must be a very fucked up woman because usually mothers only love their children and nothing else.

[–]tejas22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She had a history of mental issues.

[–]col_carillo 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Agree that you should just hold frame, focus on your son, and don't even think about what's happening otherwise. Trust me, your sister will be in on everything and she'll tell you if there's anything worth telling you.

I know this is painful, but IMHO, #3 is the most likely. Unless he's made sincere efforts to be in his grandson's life before, it's highly unlikely he moved all the way from another country just to see him now. For that matter, he could easily have tried reconciling with you and spending time with his grandson when he's at *your* place, rather than moving in with your ex-wife.

Similarly, if he ghosted you 10 years ago, I doubt he cares enough to fuck with you now. Especially not when it requires him moving to another country and living somewhere for 2 months just to hurt you. I bet there are plenty of ways he could hurt you worse as your father if he wanted to.

Which leaves #3. As much as it makes me want to vomit, it's the only reason of the 3 you've presented for a guy to uproot from another country and go live with a woman and a child he doesn't care about for 2 months. Some guys like sticking their dick in crazy, and your Dad sounds like just the douchebag who'd do it even if it was his own daughter-in-law. You mentioned your wife had been calling him before all this. My guess is, since she hasn't been able to get a rise out of you by doing things like buying a new car, etc., she's going nuclear, and figures seducing and sleeping with your Dad will do it. I don't even think it's with some rational plan to use it in court to fight for sole custody. That's the way a guy thinks. It's purely an emotional revenge move.

Your best revenge is to don't buy in to it. If anything, subtly let her know that you feel sorry for her that she's reduced to fucking a loser 30 years her senior with shriveled balls and so little going for him that he'd move to another country just for pussy that you've already had and moved on from. Even if that's not what's actually happening, it will still mess with her mind.

If it's any consolation, I'm 99% certain this will not last 2 months. If you hold your frame, it will backfire and end in misery for both of them. If they are the type of people you say they are, something will happen that will cause this to blow up in their faces. Girls like this like lighting matches because there are always good guys around to put out any resulting fires and rescue her before she gets burned (e.g. starting a fight with a guy in a bar and expecting you to finish it for her). Except your Dad's not one of those good guys. He probably likes to light his own fires, and carries a gallon of gasoline wherever he goes. It will not end well for either of them. Your only goal is to focus on making sure your son doesn't become collateral damage.

[–]319Skew[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

There was a time where I would've fought that no one would be that cruel and vindictive but then I woke up. Anything is possible. A woman will try emotionally destroy you and fucking your absent father would definitely be a great way to do that.

It does make me want to vomit but my concern is my son and myself and frankly what they do doesn't matter.

I guess I'll post an update as more things pop up.

Fuck this is nuts.

[–]319Skew[S] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Thanks for the input - reading some of these responses is helping me breathe a little easier.

I think I'm still reeling at the shock and I'm concerned because there's a chance that they're trying to rile me up to look crazy so that they can go to court.

I'm also not keen on my father being in my son's life since he's been absent in mine and I don't know anything about his character or morals and it bothers me that she can bring someone that has no right being there into that circle

It's not that I'm afraid of losing in court but the process of which it puts me through the ringer.

I went from having 8 grand saved up to owing almost 10 and while I'm clearing it, I don't want to incur more dept as it's aggravating to see her buy a new car while I'm clearing away the high interest payments knowing that she did this to me.

[–]Morphs_ 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Man it sucks reading all this, I'm with you on this one. Clearly your ex wife is quite the monster. They say a divorce will bring the real person out.

Your ex is doing all this because she wants to hurt you, which means in her eyes your hold value/power. As long as you keep frame, you're actually frustrating her.

If you want to can give her a taste of her own medicine by having a plate in your car when you pick up your son. Should be fun.

[–]319Skew[S] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

While I've actually had plates volunteer for this exact thing. I couldn't do it. I don't game or pick up or do anything with women when my son's around. It's not fair to him to put him through this. There's also the whole things are skewed towards women in court . I learned that I have to pick my battles if I want to win the war and while it would be rewarding to spite her with a bit of her own medicine the real fall out would be more court dates, legal fees and she can make my life harder with my son.

[–]BPasFuck 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is good practice. Courts and Attorneys will use evidence of multiple women constantly around your son as indicators of an unsuitable household.

It's yet another double standard. Nevermind that it's almost always momma's new man that's molesting the kids.

[–]FemtoG 6 points7 points  (1 child)

the only thing that's important here is that your son has an extremely high probability of growing fucked up and you need to make sure that doesn't happen.

[–]319Skew[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Why I fought in court for basic visitation rights. Despite not having any criminal records or history of violence or abuse.

[–]mrpthrowa 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Shoot your dad whilst he is in the toilet.

Your family remind me of the Lannisters.

ok, kidding aside, carry on. Be alert, and just see your son.

[–]319Skew[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That made me laugh out loud. I smashed a girl that I met was the biggest fan of GoT and she referred to herself (playfully no seriously) as Mother of Dragons. Something about that visual of shooting my father with a bow then going to smash this girl made my day. Thanks.

[–]319Skew[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Gotta say that I am feeling the brotherhood. Thanks guys for helping me keep putting things into the perspective.

[–]spider514 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Why don't you try and get custody of the kid and leave the mom and your dad in the dust

[–]russelln 8 points9 points  (1 child)

You say that as if getting full custody as a father is even remotely likely in a stacked court system.

[–]DeusVictor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s very fucking difficult but if you have a good lawyer and you try to frame her as an unsuitable mother and yourself as a pitiful dad that all he want is the best for his son he can win

[–]helaughsinhidden 5 points6 points  (1 child)

he's going to be living with my ex wife for 2 months.

Wrong subreddit, this belongs in r/WTF. I legit had to read that 5 times because my brain didn't accept that those words were actually typed out on purpose

[–]319Skew[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Feels like I walked into the twilight zone

[–]FlyingSexistPig 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I would confront your dad about this. Your dad is a blue piller, so fuck him. Ask him what the fuck he thinks he's doing.

Is he trying to fuck up his grandson just like he fucked you up when he abandoned you? Don't pull any punches. Tell him that you don't appreciate whatever the fuck he's trying to do. He might have a good reason for it, and he might not be as evil as you think. But talking to TRP isn't going to help you find out. You have to confront him

[–]Work_In_Progress92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Continue to see and be apart of your son's life.

Do not speak or converse with your ex or your father at all. It will bring only trouble.

[–]wkndatbernardus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your dad probably just wants to see his grandson. My guess is your ex didn't like that you had shut your dad out of your life so she reached out to him and made the connection happen. My ex did the same exact thing but with my aunt. Now the two of them are thick as theives, hanging out on the reg and even going on vacation together. Super effed up but, in their hamster minds, it is all justified because you are unforgiving and they just wanted little guy to have a relationship with his grandad. It's ridiculous but, women like to appear to be the forgiving ones. They get off on it.

[–]Velebit 3 points4 points  (0 children)

She is trolling you irl using your dad. Just accept your life is a stupid joke and laugh along with it. Invite them both for a dinner and make a farcical speech about him being a great dad and her an awesome ex wife with a straight face.

You are taking yourself way too seriously.

[–]helloseven 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kaliteros Anthropos Apo Ton Patera Sou. Homer's Iliad, Book 6

I’m sorry to say, but if this is real there’s no way you should keep your frame. Keeping frame is for attracting women. You are talking about something far more important right now than your frame friend. You’re talking about your sons future. You know what is “the frame” here? It is being a man and not fucking up your sons life. At LEAST not as much as your dad fucked up your. Gine Kaliteros Anthropos Apo Ton Patera Sou. You need to be a better, stronger man now. Face it as a man you are. Be above it all. For the sake of your son. And start by asking them both “what the fuck is going on?” Even if they lie, you will have data to work with. Also, possibly things aren’t so wicked and you’re paranoid because of all the emotional fatigue you faced lately. It’s a difficult situation OP. Best of luck to you and hope to hear from you soon.

[–]red_matrix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't get mad. Be a Rock. Be a stone cold rock when you are around them. She wants you to get mad and do something stupid. Don't play into her game. Right now, your life and your sons life are being decided by the courts, seek a lawyer for help.

[–]AManIsBusy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem with your line of thinking is this: you're worried about what their actions say about YOU. In fact, this probably accounts for a large percentage of people who lose confidence in social situations.

The bottom line is that, if your judgments are true (that these people are pieces of shit), then their actions should have no bearing on who you are. Stop it there.

[–]BostonPillParty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hold your frame. It would be easy to get riled up. Don’t fall for it.

Things could be much worse. Don’t contribute to that possibility.

[–]Dominic_Farussi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your ex is using your father to get to you, and he's playing along because he thinks he'll get access to her sexual intimacy from the whole thing - maybe he even already has it.

It could also be that he's had a late-life epiphany, now wants to redeem himself and spend time with you and your kid, and your ex is still using that to get to you.

I'd go for the first possibility though, since he's living with her and all.

Bottom of the line is that, no matter which scenario is at play here, what you need to do is stay away from these two, not engage in whatever bs they try to pull off, and make sure your kid is ok.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.