Just found out my wife is cheating on me and she doesn't know yet. What do I do first? (self.asktrp)

submitted by morealphaeveryday

I put a text messaging capture app on her phone. She's having an affair with one of my friends. She is in bed sleeping now and I obviously can't sleep. Want to blow up on her, but know that will show my hand.

The conversation in the text didn't specifically call out fucking, but its obvious that she was trying to meet up with him. I had actually sent him a text asking if they wanted to meet up for dinner. They my wife text her friend "hubby just invited bob to dinner! I can't stand having to sit there and face Alice (his wife)." We never ended up meeting with them, so later wife texts friend "kinda lose lose situation tonight. I didn't get to see him and he didn't try to see me." They also have a little system: She texts him "hi", then if she doesn't get an answer soon she texts "sorry bob, that wasn't meant for you". If he does answer, they chat back and forth and then delete the messages (he is also married).

We've been Married 16 years. 3 kids. She makes almost nothing (part time @$17/hr). I make 6 figures. We live in Wisconsin (a no fault divorce state I think).


[–]Icaruswasright 112 points113 points  (2 children)

Get a good divorce lawyer right away. Ask him how to proceed.

Don't let the pleasure of blowing up on your cheating wife jeopardize your financial situation or make this more traumatic for your children. Same with Bob. Not worth it.

I feel for you man.

[–]-RobotDeathSquad- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Also, record EVERYTHING and sock away funds.

[–]MegMartinson 10 points11 points  (0 children)

this, This, a thousand times THIS!!!

[–]MakeMeNaked 27 points28 points  (0 children)

don't forget to put password confirmations on all CC accounts and call the companies to set limits, say $500. In my best Pulp Fiction voice "There may come a time when you think 'I'll take the high road, I'll be the better man...That's pride fucking with you, FUCK PRIDE" What lawyers won't really say is that the dirtiest, most underhanded, every lie you can get away with motherfucker ALWAYS wins in divorce, with no repercussions.

Imagine you are in a business partnership and you found out your partner was skimming off the top, and planned to fuck you over and steal the business from you. That's all this is now, no love, no family, no "we can get back to how we were" Fuck that. Whenever you you start getting those Blue Pill feelings just remember how your friends cock was plunging inside your wifes pussy, and how his cum sprayed inside and on her, and that devlish grin on her face because she knew she was getting over on you.....I know, harsh, but that's the reality.

[–]PlusGoody 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Proof of cheating means nothing legally in outcome of divorce. Doesn't change one penny of property division, alimony or child support. Doesn't affect child custody.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Record. Everything.

[–]DanReggins 62 points63 points  (0 children)

Lawyer up. If an attorney says you should be "fair" to her, fire him. You want to get out of this with as much as you can. You are in for the fight of your life.

Get ready to drain any joint accounts.

[–]darklogic420 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Lawyer up. Empty your 401k into an offshore account, even if you face a tax penalty. Start cancelling credit cards and draining accounts. Negotiate with your boss to get your pay cut, possibly in exchange for future benefits. Lock up your house into a Living Irrevocable Trust with your children as the beneficiaries and yourself as the sole Trustor, so that neither you or your wife can go after it as a divisible asset.

Prepare for a messy divorce because when it involves two marriages things get exceptionally ugly. This isn't a mistake, it is intentional and it is evil. No matter what your lawyer says you should at some point after filing for divorce offer up the evidence of the affair to the wife of the scumbag who is doing your wife. You also should share the evidence with your children. Make it explicitly clear to them that their mother has abandoned them and you for another man, and that she loves him more than she loves all of you. Be assured she will try to warp their minds so get the truth in their heads as soon as possible.

Make sure the divorce filing reaches her while she is in a hotel with her affair partner if you can, while you and the kids are packed and long gone. Be sure you alert child protective services before taking the kids. Let them know that you are afraid their mother will hurt them given the mental instability that can be brought on by the sudden divorce and by being exposed to everyone as a cheater. Make sure authorities know where you take your children and document that they know so that she can't accuse you of kidnapping them and so that her accusations make her look paranoid and unfit. Make a very clear case that she is leaving her children unattended while she goes out to cheat. Make her out to be an unfit mother. Take your children from her forever. Argue that you want your children raised by someone who has the morals to uphold their vows and adamantly refuse to compromise on custody. You have the salary, and dragging her through hell in the courts is the name of the game. Never surrender.

Be sure to expose her during the divorce to her friends and family. Make sure to look her parents in the eye and ask them if they'll side with their daughter or their grandchildren, because you won't let them do both. Guilt everyone into abandoning her.

Sue the guy who is fucking her for emotional estrangement. Subpoena him for DNA testing to compare with your kids. If anything comes up even as a grey area on the test sue him for back pay child support. Insist on keeping them all though, keep the kids.

Play absolutely dirty with this. Set up the game in advance while she is unaware that you know everything. Make moves without her knowing. Destroy her.

[–]TRPstudent 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Having been through this, I can say at times it'll become a war of financial attrition. Stick to your guns and FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

My divorce proceedings took almost two years to complete. I balked when I was being pressured initially to give her full custody and it was the best decision I ever made. Those kids need you, they need you the majority of the time and they need you to be solvent- remember that when you're months in and your mind is telling you to give up.

There will probably be some mediation that grants her some days with the kids before everything is over. Use this time for therapy, only to talk things out and take some of the pressure off you. Use that time to go lift, meet new people and stay a couple nights in a new town. Invest in yourself every way you can.

I chose not to drink until the divorce was finalized. I didn't want to do anything stupid, nor have a crutch to lean on. Do that.

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Whatever you do just remember this one little piece of info:


[–]AveofSpades 34 points35 points  (1 child)

Act none the wiser. This is going to take all your balls and heart, buy carry on like nothing has changed. Forget the small battle here, you're going to win the war.

Now, take some time and go get a consult from 5-8 best Divorce attorneys in your area. Congratulations, now due to conflict of interest, she's lost access to top attorneys.

Hire the best, most vicious attorney and keep records of everything she's doing. Talk with your attorney to formulate a best course of action, and start to drain joint accounts. Bonus points , if the slut asks where the money is going, tell her you're working on a gift to shown your gratitude to your wife and kids.

[–]Badhesive 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Such a good idea, act like its vacation money, then after you get quality custody of kids and legally break off from her and everything's done, take the kids on the most awesome vacation adventure to Europe or the Caribbean or some shit. That would probably drive her insane cause shed realize how well you planned it.

[–]SneakyTouchy 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Just want to be the 17th person to say this because it is most important:

Do not let her suspect you found out!

[–]gekkozorz 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Considering how most states love to fuck over men in these matters, you need an airtight case. Don't end things till you can offer solid evidence that she is not fit to be a wife and mother. The last thing you need is to have to give up half your income and, more importantly, your kids.

I wish I had more to offer you, but all I have is that and my condolences. Amazing how women can be such callous, stone cold bitches.

[–]2johnnight 12 points13 points  (0 children)

You need to become an emotionless calculating sob. At this point your anger might overtake you and make you do things that give immediate emotional satisfaction but are damaging to your interest in the long term. Example: you might want to hit her in the face and demand divorce. You lose.

Keep your empathy for the kids.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)


make a detailed post their, you will get the best advice on what to do.

[–]j_arbuckle2012 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Lawyer up immediately. Don't skimp either, get the best damn divorce lawyer in your tri-county area and tell him (make sure it's a guy) that you are in this for blood, and that you will not walk away from this until you have her unconditional surrender. Don't worry about the cost, your only goal right now is to save your money, your kids, and your possessions.

You are going to war, but first you need intel. Act like nothing is wrong, and start tracking her activities. Emails, texts, voicemails, GPS tracking, etc. Anything and everything you can use against her, do it. Then start doing small things for yourself. Get back in the gym and start lifting, start a hobby that only you enjoy, spend as much time with your kids without her around, completely emotionally disconnect from her; this will be hard, find a trusted family confidant and vent vent vent. Basically stop living like a married man, and start living like a bachelor with three kids and a parasitic dependent, which is what she has become. If she asks or confronts you about it, STAY STOIC and say that you just need more time to yourself. She will try everything in her power to shame you back into the clueless provider position, but do not fall for her tactics. You are your own man and you live your life by your own rules. During all this, continue to gather intel and do NOT bring up her cheating until such a time when you have enough evidence of her misconduct that your lawyer says you have an airtight case. Then walk up to her, serve her the papers and tell her without any emotion that you want a divorce. Oh and last but not least, stop fucking her immediately. Full stop. A woman's power comes from her ability to tempt you with sex, and believe us, she will. Stop fucking her and stay the course. Remind yourself that she doesn't deserve anything other than your scorn.

EDIT: Drain any and all joint accounts immediately. If she asks, say you're saving up for a big gift and it will take some time. Put that money someplace safe, preferably with a trusted family member who has no connection to her.

[–]monicamash 13 points14 points  (7 children)

You could also ask /r/legaladvice

I am really sorry to hear this for you, especially for your children. I just don't get what goes on in a woman's mind to sacrifice her children's family for some dick .

[–]rebuildingMyself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She knows family courts will reward her infidelity with custody, a house, and cash.

[–]throwaway_holla -1 points0 points  (5 children)

It's not the dick she's after. It's whatever unmet need she's trying to get met by cheating. Examples: connection, attention, fun, acceptance, companionship, to feel attractive and/or wanted, etc.

And she probably doesn't think of it as sacrificing her children's family.

[–]Invalidity 13 points14 points  (4 children)

To feel attractive. Companionship. Acceptance...

You're kidding right? Women cheat because they are no longer attracted to the man they are married to (if they ever were in the first place). Marriage is an essential attraction killer which is why a lot of married men end up sexless after a short period of time in a marriage.

Being a provider is not attractive. She's cheating because she's constantly being approached by guys who are more attractive than you since you have been reduced to a state of providing.

[–]throwaway_holla -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

You'd need to provide some proof of any of that, because unlike the pick-up-artist claims about how women and men typically work, there are mountains of evidence based on actual research that prove you wrong.

So, please, cite some actual studies or research, not just your observations or what "everyone knows."

[–]Invalidity 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Would you care to cite unbiased and valid evidence for your claims as well or should we just continue your circlejerk of you're wrong I'm right.

[–]throwaway_holla -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

Sure. Will you?

[–]Invalidity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then support your claim that women do it for a connection, attention, acceptance, etc.

She won't think she is sacrificing her family because she rationalizes everything in her mind as being acceptable, as a necessity. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance going on in a woman's mind to justify her actions.


More Asian women marrying males of their own race by the time they hit the wall (when their clock says time is running out). They date countless numbers of males of other races and then end up settling for males of their own race. They would rather maintain a relationship with all these other guys but none will have them and by the time their biological clocks tick, they find a provider. A successful guy who will take them, ie. Asian beta male.

This is one example of many. Women by the age of 30 or so tend to find a male who will provide for them to marry. They are not attracted to these males for anything other than their financial provisions.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (5 children)

If she likes to drink, and you know she drives tipsy call the cops on her anonymously.

If she gets a dwi, or better yet a dwi with the kids in the car you will win custody hands down.

We're not talking about being nice, we're talking about winning.

[–]1701ncc 0 points1 point  (4 children)

and he is stuck with thousands in legal bills

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He'll be losing money either way, might as well have the kids.

[–]Badhesive 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Just curious, why would he pay for her legal bills on the DWI, surely a person can be made to pay for their own crimes?

[–]1701ncc 0 points1 point  (1 child)

when she is bankrupt the state and creditors are going to go after him

[–]Badhesive 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What's a DUI cost, 5000-10,000? Surely she will suck way more than that out of the divorce, and likely has an account with way more than that already.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)


[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This interests me as well. You don't have to say "for science". Just ask man.

[–]My_MR_Throwaway 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not OP but Mobile Spy works very good. A girl I was dating, her ex husband put this on her phone and it took us almost a year to find out about it. It was sending him voice, email, text, web-browsing, and GPS logs and did not show up in the dashboard at all. Even the process was something generic like Android System. I found it on her phone by complete accident while doing a backup of her music and pictures. Even then, if it had not have been for me being in IT and knowing quite a bit about files and logs then I wouldn't have even noticed what it was when I saw traces of it.

[–]aditas 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oddly this would be relevant to my interests.

[–]TheLawlessMan 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Before you say anything see if you can drain some money from the accounts and hide it with trusted family (None of your "friends"). If you want your children do not do anything stupid. Calm down. Call her from another location and tell her what you know. "We've been Married 16 years. 3 kids. She makes almost nothing (part time @$17/hr). I make 6 figures. " I cringed at this..... You will need a great lawyer. I would also tell his wife. In most cases people will tell you that it is none of your business but in this cases he is messing with your wife and he was a "friend." His wife deserves to know. Look into this /r/legaladvice

[–]MakeMeNaked 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The longer you can go without her knowing, the bigger the surprise the divorce will be and the more time to get your ducks in a row.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Get professional legal advice. Try the law firms in your city. Don't confront her yet. When they have told you how to proceed band what the outcome will be then you can confront her.

[–]MakeMeNaked 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, and don't skimp on the lawyer. The more you spend on the lawyer, the less you'll spend on that cheating bitch.

[–]Futsushi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You may never get this because this post is old. However, I feel for you. Hopefully you have been able to remain calm and it can be really tough. I have been married for 10+ years and I would struggle not to lose my shit if this happened.

The good advice is lawyer up. I am not saying this just because she cheated, but because of the disrespect to you and what you have given up for her and your family. It really shows how strong the hamster can be.

One an up-note. You have a good salary, and being male means you can rebound and get in shape (if you're not already) and do whatever/whoever you want at the end of this.

Stay calm, get a lawyer and think about the long term gains here. PM me if you need to vent. My wife and I have a good RP relationship, but I am not so stupid as to think this couldn't happen. Make sure you remember this, because you may sabotage other fun times with other women because of your wife. You can't always predict this shit and worrying about it will just make you miserable. It happened, now you do what men do; deal with it, make plans, think about your kids and move on.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


[–]Manuel_S 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I like this! Smart...

[–]Badhesive 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Unfortunately that "gambling addiction" would likely be used against him in regards to the kids.

[–]Carbone 1 point2 points  (1 child)

unless he's making cash from a meth lab under a laundry.

[–]Badhesive 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea but then he needs to just move back in, and let the wife call the cops, while taking it all in casually

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Document everything. You may never need it but if you do and you don't have it you'll kick yourself. Take pictures. Copy files. Record conversations. Look out for yourself.

[–]bonekeeper 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Get some cocaine and sneak it into her food little by little. Then create a situation where she has to get tested for drugs - for example, suggest she apply for a job in a place that does drug screenings - then once you have a positive for cocaine, you can claim she's a junkie and unfit to be a mother and get custody of your kids.

Just kidding. ;)

[–]bonekeeper 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Also suggest a swing between you, your wife, Bob and his wife, you might just get to fuck Bob's wife in the ass before you leave.

[–]heist_of_saint_graft 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Brown parachute.

[–]bonekeeper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

aka mud in the helmet!

[–]Human_Isomer 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Set up cameras or microphones in your house and then say you're going out of town for a week or two for business or whatever. You're bound to get some proof of her cheating.

[–]YouDislikeMyOpinion 1 point2 points  (2 children)

And this is going to help with what exactly?

[–]Human_Isomer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

obtaining more proof that she's cheating. Every divorce court needs indisputable proof.

[–]YouDislikeMyOpinion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In most legal jurisdictions, this has no effect on the financial distribution of assets and support.

In terms of obtaining proof of it, the cost benefit analysis of that action should be left to a reputable lawyer. You wouldn't want to get yourself labelled as some kind of creepy, predatory, unstable husband, while you sit in front of a judge who has some kind of his own thinking and bias for that type of behavior which can swing both ways. It's a tradeoff, let the lawyer figure out what's best.

[–]slcjosh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Laywer up immediately. Get all the evidence you can and ask your lawyer what your next step is.

[–]59Splits 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You've got to play the long game here. Prepare. Don't tell her you know until it suits your plan. Don't let your plan be driven by your emotions alone. Children and money are important and who gets those comes down to lawyers and planning.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

do everything you can to gather as much evidence as possible- discreetly. I know you want to explode and kill her, but she will fuck you for the rest of your life financially if you let her onto the fact that you know. Once you have sufficient evidence (as determined by your lawyer), calmly present the divorce papers.

[–]8HourPower 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Take your life and your freedom back mate. It's already messy and it's going to get worse.. The advice here on soliciting the high-end lawyers here is the most direct route for your benefit.

All the best, the manosphere cheers for YOU

[–]flatox 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, just my curiosity - but how did it all end out?

[–]CapnZack53 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What is that app and will it work on Facebook messages?

[–]masterrod 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah you're kind in a bad situation.. It's cheaper to keep her.

Talk to a lawyer see look at your legal options.

Decide what you want to do marriage counseling, etc. Make a decision, this will be hard.

Play it cool. Then blow her up.

I'd personally fuck his wife. If you're going to go out, go out with a bang.

[–]pheonixignition -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Fuck it. If his wife is hot, I say you show her the texts and start banging her. Plus whatever anyone else here said.