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Holy Crap! Some bitch I work with reported me for sexual harassment for something I said to another girl while we were at a bar together. (self.asktrp)

submitted by Snazzy_Serval

This is the most asinine thing that has ever happened to me ever.

One of my coworkers (whom I also had a crush on) had a going away gathering with a small group of other people from work. This gathering was after work, not an official work event, at a brewery and we all were drinking.

The girl who was leaving, and also my crush said something that she had a breast reduction. I asked something like how big her breasts were before they got reduced or how big they are now, I don't remember which as I was pretty much drunk.

Earlier today my boss who is out of state tells me that an anonymous person at the gathering reported me to him for what I said at the gathering. Despite my explanations he still had to give me a verbal warning. Again I want to clarify that I asked the breast question to one woman and then a different woman reported me for it.

I know exactly who reported me as she's told on me for a couple of other minor things. What really sucks is that we are on the admin team together and I frequently work with her. I'm absolutely stunned that she would do this.

I'm at a loss at what to do from now on. I have absolutely no trust or respect left for this woman. I've never done anything to her and have always tried to be present and helpful. Instead she's proven to be a total cunt.


[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 69 points70 points  (4 children)

Well, first, you have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, stupid things like "admissions" come out of your mouth.

Your new position (and the one you had all along) is that you asked a question about a medical procedure that someone else brought up and was describing. You might well have asked about her bunion surgery (if she had had that).

Also you think it's weird that someone is sexualizing a discussion of surgery, and maybe it's that person with the "problem".

If you're tight with the girl who left, maybe she will back you up. In the mean time, you need to be on "best behavior" around Kruella von Kuntenstein who reported you. And you need to be plotting the destruction of her career, without anyone finding out of about it, and with complete deniability.

ETA: Also, don't get drunk at work functions, even ones that are "unofficial" like going-away parties. It's not a percentage move, as you just found out.

[–]Glennus626 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good advice. On a silly note, my mind read "breast behavior".

[–]sumethreuaweiei -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

You need to be plotting…

How?

[–]Cesare_MA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

48 Laws my dude.

[–]Str_ 75 points76 points  (7 children)

Be careful about shitting where you eat. Also, getting so drunk you have a difficult time recalling what exactly you said isn't something you should do when you're not at your own home.

Also, you may have no respect left for this woman who's shown herself as a 'cunt' to you, but I guarantee your boss doesn't feel the same. Your boss will always side with the female due to keeping liability away from himself. Good luck, it's a tough situation.

[–]creating_my_life 22 points23 points  (13 children)

Despite my explanations

"I do not recall this situation."

Unfortunately, my other advice is to now be prepared to be black-listed at work. You might not even notice it, but you're now a liability to the company through HR. Maybe you'll miss out on promotions, opportunities, or top-tier clients. Or maybe not.

Tighten up your game--work is WORK ONLY, and keep a keen ear to the ground.

[–]Snazzy_Serval[S] -2 points-1 points  (11 children)

"I do not recall this situation."

Hmm, I didn't even think about denying it. That's not my personality style. Still I wonder if it would have made things any different.

Unfortunately, my other advice is to now be prepared to be black-listed at work. You might not even notice it, but you're not a liability to the company through HR. Maybe you'll miss out on promotions, opportunities, or top-tier clients. Or maybe not.

Fortunately I don't have such a position where it will effect anything like that. My boss also was certain to tell me who much I'm liked and respected and my job and so on. He pretty much didn't want to give me the warning and was doing it out of obligation.

As for work being work only, for me work is also socializing and interacting with people I see on a regular basis. It just sucks realizing that somebody have no decency.

[–]Luis_McLovin 14 points15 points  (5 children)

Maybe you should consider changing that.

Maybe you should consider having a life outside of work.

Remember abundance mentality? Yeah, that applies here too. You're not abundant socially.

[–]Snazzy_Serval[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Yes I'm aware not having a life outside work is a problem.

I'm not an outgoing person and I moved to this city for this job so I have no friends here. Work is pretty much my only social life.

Thanks to shitty traffic around here, I'm not home till 7pm on weekdays. Weekends I'm pretty much doing nothing but cleaning.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Jesus Henry Christ how much cleaning do you need to get done. Do you have a raccoon infestation or something?

I have a daily 5 minutes to get the dishwasher going, take trash out on the way to the car, a weekly sweep that takes 10 minutes and once-a-month bathroom scrub that takes less than an hour and that's 90%. What in the fuck do you spend so much time cleaning?!

[–]Snazzy_Serval[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I have a manual dishwasher. In other words, me.

If I go straight home from work it takes me between 50 to 70 minutes to do the 12 mile drive. Obviously that really sucks so I almost always go to the gym after work. By the time I'm done the drive usually takes between 30 to 40 min. After I'm done cooking and eating the last thing I want to do is clean.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hire a maid. They are cheap

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Work is pretty much my only social life.

this is the other problem. join a club, searge in the clubs, meet your neighbours... Of all the solutions to your problem, you didn't choose a path and work at it, you took what life offered.

and letting life happen to you never works

[–]dan_legend 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Trust me you're seen as a liability now. Just by the fact of you admitting it. I've heard corporate VP's laughing their ass off about how some person reported to HR was stupid enough to admit it. You gotta realize, in their minds, if you fuck up in the future AND admit to it they are on the hook for hundred of thousands of dollars, potentially millions since you've now given someone the foothold to claim institutional sexual harassment company wide.

[–]landon042 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I've heard corporate VP's laughing their ass off about how some person reported to HR was stupid enough to admit it.

now thinking about it, op does sound like a dum ass because of this lol

I imagine some idiot in a police investigation "oh there here to help me i didn't do anything wrong"

and spills his innocent story while they write down everything to prosecute him and he did their job for them.

summary: ops stupid af

[–]wheresMYsteakAt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OP doesn't realize he's about a stones throw away from losing his job....... And getting cucked

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then your personality style is shit.

I had a boss, started an investigation on me, for all kinds of bullshit. Assured me, just like yours did.

Word got back to me through my career manager, and from reading his written statements through legal counsel... Yeah, it's best to treat your boss like a woman. 'ignore what he says, watch what he does'.

And right now, he's acting nice, and then proceeding to hamstring your career options. Think about that one for a while

[–]beginner_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fortunately I don't have such a position where it will effect anything like that. My boss also was certain to tell me who much I'm liked and respected and my job and so on. He pretty much didn't want to give me the warning and was doing it out of obligation.

If he did not want to give the warning, he would not have. Don't be naive. Your boss is not your friend. A lot about AWALT also applies to men work situations. Judge them by their actions not words. You are for sure marked at HR.

As for work being work only, for me work is also socializing and interacting with people I see on a regular basis.

Stop that. In fact given the situation you are in (branded by HR, mixing work and friends and a toxic co-worker) the only sane thing you can do is leave (after finding another job). If a restructuring happens you will now be the first one to get fired anyway. For you it's a sinking ship.

Fighting a battle vs toxic co-workers is useless. Just go for greener pastures.

[–]SisyphosOnTop[🍰] 11 points12 points  (12 children)

  1. Why do you get a 'verbal warning' (lol next time a 5 minutes time out or what...) for something that happened with a coworker outside of work? Like WTF? What a kindergarden bullshit.

  2. It can have many reasons why she did it but in the end she is fucking with your career. So treat it that way. Read this and more: https://illimitablemen.com/2013/12/02/understanding-machiavellianism/

  3. Do not let her know that she is human waste and you lost all respect for her. She felt disrespected by you. At least that's what she would say if you would talk this shit out. I advise against it.

  4. Treat her like nothing happened. Treat her with respect. Treat her like a male.

  5. Never forget.

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It's about power and control. The NCAA has been doing it, trying to control athletes well outside the school environment like what jobs you're allowed to have during the summer and the allowable hourly wage all while not paying them a cent to make millions a year for the school. Then schools started expanding these powers off campus (including personal digital communication) with sexual accusations (for everyone). And you bet your ass corporate america wants a piece of this control pie, dictating your every action outside the work place just because they can.

[–]Senior EndorsedVasiliyZaitzev 3 points4 points  (0 children)

And the NFL. That's why Ray Rice hasn't played a down since the 2013 season, and why the Patriots will still lose their 4th rounder this year despite everyone with a functioning brain realizing that "DeflateGate" was a total screwjob.

When you have that much control, the truth is what you say it is.

[–]Occams_Stubble 1 point2 points  (3 children)

The company has to be concerned about charges of a "hostile work environment" so the fact it wasn't said directly to the complainant does not matter. If the gathering was organized at work for 'work morale' reasons a court could still find the company at fault. The law is fuckin stupid; in a more polite age the quote from Mr. Bumble was 'If the law supposes that, the law is an ass - an idiot."

You can't blame your boss.

[–]i_forget_my_userids 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If I'm not getting paid for it, it's not a work function.

[–]Occams_Stubble 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not arguing that it is, I am not saying that it should be. I am saying that EEO attorneys can have very expansive interpretations of what constitutes the work environment. 8 years of Obama played hell on places of work through both the Labor Relations Board and the EEO. People have sued and claimed (lying or truthfully) 'there was an expectation that people would attend, I was concerned that if I didn't attend I would be seen as not a team player and I could lose opportunities for X (better shifts, raises, bonuses, promotions etc...).

Companies are often very concerned about anything remotely associated with claims of harassment and hostile environments.

[–]binrobinro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"This gathering was after work, not an official work event"

[–]GunsGermsAndSteel 9 points10 points  (12 children)

I keep trying to get my wife to understand that her work colleagues ARE NOT her friends; they are, at best, neutral acquaintances. At worst, they're looking for anything she says or does that they could report to HR to get themselves into a more favorable position.

I don't really need to remember that myself. I own a small business and I work alone. But she works for a big company and is always trying to figure out who is "on her side".

Nobody. Nobody is on your side. They're on their own fucking side.

Also women in the workplace are Dramaticus Bitchicus.

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Isn't that a tragedy, the people who you spend more time with than your actual family:your spouse, your children, and real friends. The people who you're in close proximity with 8+ hrs/day, 5+ days/week, with much down time in a dull environment, you must keep at arms distance at all times because of fear of losing your monetary support line?

[–]UFND 0 points1 point  (1 child)

The best we can do is at least find some fun within it if we find ourselves stuck in that environment.

[–]beginner_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. Life is your stage and you are the main actor. Why would you make it a drama instead of a comedy?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Meh, you don't show vulnerability in front of your woman, this is no different.

Relationship strategies for the workplace. Want a comradare? Join the military, then you only have to be like this for officers and senior NCOs

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Well, once she's in a position to improve their lot, they get 'friendly' very quickly.

Corporate is the world of men, you're only as valueable as what you can offer

[–]GunsGermsAndSteel 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh bullshit. No it isn't.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sure it is.

See how easy it is to lazily assert something?

[–]Cesare_MA 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only people on your wife's side are those who it's convenient for. That's assuming everyone in her workplace is extremely Machiavellian and that they prioritize logic over emotion in decision making, both of which are extremely unlikely unless she is working in politics or an extremely competitive office.

[–]Snazzy_Serval[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I'm trying to figure out what she would gain from doing this. Getting me fired would do nothing but damage the company. As far as I know this woman and I had no problems at all.

Nobody. Nobody is on your side. They're on their own fucking side.

Unfortunately that seems to be the case, and for whatever reason other people want to bring you down.

Also women in the workplace are Dramaticus Bitchicus.

That's for sure.

[–]creating_my_life 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Getting me fired would do nothing but damage the company.

She doesn't care about the company, or the greater good. She cares ONLY ABOUT HER. Her achieving some minor drama at your MAJOR expense might give her a smile. She doesn't care if the entire company burns to the ground because of it.

[–]Docbear64 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are under the assumption it's a power play when more realistically It's probably one jealous woman who was unhappy you gave another coworker so much attention and she felt like she could categorize your behaviors as negative by just addressing them as you performing behavior that was inappropriate with a coworker .

My suggestion is to take a deep breath , understand that you now understand how petty / jealous your coworker is , and continue to be pleasant and professional with her AND NOTHING MORE .

Again this is probably NOT a powerplay and more of a way for a woman to respond to insecure or jealous feelings she had and " put you in your place" . You sound like you have kind of a chip on your shoulder so again I advise you to shut the fuck up and keep doing your job , nothing more nothing less. when this chick is around you now know to watch your mouth and behavior .

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Work out a way to fuck her over at a time that will have no implications to you. She sounds like a self entitled cunt that's not to be respected. It's cunts like her that are contributing the to de masculation of men.

[–]malignantbacon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you get warnings for shit like this at work often? Your best bet honestly might just be to let it roll off your back and don't spend time with your cunty coworker anymore. As in... don't go to things you know she'll be at, don't eat around her, nothing. A verbal warning alone is harmless, but they gave it to you because they're legally obligated to keep records of things like this and future interaction with this lady is always gonna be risky.

TLDR, you're overreacting unless you plan on getting into similar situations again.

[–]Dr_HoaxArthurWilmoth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Either find a way to get her fired or quit, or start working on that resume'.

[–]1alisonstone 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Act professional to your co-workers all the time, even when you are not at work.

Also, don't get drunk. You might like it and think it is fun, but don't do it. Eating a giant slice of cake every day is fun too, but most people are able to resist. Being drunk is not good for you. Don't be drunk.

You might not have said anything wrong, but if you look drunk as hell and you don't realize that you are staring at people weirdly and drooling or something, you are going to screw a lot of things up. Being drunk is not good for your reputation. Since this is a group of co-workers, I'm betting that most of the other people had enough sense to not be drunk and you were probably the only one.

[–]batfish55 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why MGTOW is a thing.

[–]nonnimoose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your boss had to give a verbal warning because company protocol requires it. If he doesn't follow this protocol, the company could be held liable for not promptly and properly responding to an allegation of sexual harassment.

While this is the official policy, unofficially the woman who reported you did herself NO favors. When HR gets these kinds of complaints (minor allegations that could easily be discredited), it's the complainer who is regarded as a trouble maker. She just stamped herself as a too sensitive, thin-skinned tattler that will overreact to a mere slight.

What you should do from now on: Do not trust this woman. Continue to be present and professional. Do not bring up the incident ever. Do not get drunk with coworkers. Do not discuss a woman's body parts in a group setting, especially one with coworkers. Any body part - not even, "you have cute ear lobes."

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Demand to get it in writing, on an official company form. Tell him a verbal warning isn't good enough for you. If he refuses to give you a written report detailing his warning, then ask for an apology.

If he won't do either, tell him you're respectfully, professionally going to disregard his verbal warning as well your current conversation, and go about your business. It didn't happen as far as you're concerned. Then thank him for his time.

He has no legal grounds to write you up for something like this, and he knows it. Doing so qualifies as hearsay and retaliation, unless the alleged victim herself claims she doesn't feel comfortable working with you.

[–]fastplayerpiano 3 points4 points  (0 children)

They will have no problem making this a written warning. Legal grounds? You are in Lala land if you think a company needs legal grounds to write an ass covering memo.

[–]kutie-pie 0 points1 point  (2 children)

how the hell do you report something if it's an out of work context ??

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]kutie-pie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    good example, thanks for the comment.

    [–]TheRidgeway 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Just find another job, man. Who needs to deal with shit like this? Its only going to get worse going forward if you stay there.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Yeah this is totally bizarre.

    I've done all sorts of goofy stuff outside work with coworkers and this is like unfathomable.

    It's one thing if it's like the office teacher's pet during working hours but you are at a bar and two chicks are talking about boobs.

    I have a feeling op is socially awkward or tone deaf or something and we're not getting the full story.

    [–]michael_wilkins 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    This is a reminder of what sexual harassment laws are.

    Read them one time. They probably have a line regarding "any sexual comment that makes anyone feel uncomfortable, whether directed to them or not"

    [–]binrobinro 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    "after work, not an official work event"

    So, anytime, anywhere in the world, no matter who you're talking to? Someone overhears you and tells your boss? This is crazy.

    /u/W_O_M_B_A_T has given the best advice here.

    [–]michael_wilkins 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    yes, it's retarded in it's scope.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    "she's told on me for a couple of other minor things...I'm absolutely stunned that she would do this" Really...

    [–]InformalCriticism 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm fortunate not to work with many attractive women. It's probably born of jealousy, so keep your intentions and your "attention" neutral.

    This is what they mean when they say not to shit where you eat.

    You were giving a co-worker, presumably not your boss, or anyone above the anonymous tip woman, attention. If you are a high value male, and you're giving someone "lower" than her attention, you're messing with her social identity. She has likely placed her social value on her position in the company, rather than what men actually value sexually, but you reminded her of her private lies to herself.

    Just be careful, and remember that men are treated like accessories to each woman's solipsistic existence. And in the work place, this means being a valuable employee and nothing else. Unless you're "the boss", you have to tap into your inner beta, or you'll be a prime target for the scorned "I deserve it all" feminist every time.

    [–]InChargeMan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Do nothing for now, just keep your guard up. Then, one day, you will strike. So many opportunities if you don't try to force it. Making her miss deadlines is a good one. Or, after you leave the company post an anonymous craigslist add for free shit, just come to the office and ask for Cunty McCuntFace. Or, if you are really malicious, send people to ask for free shit from her boss and add something in the post that can be traced back to her.

    Is it immature? Hell yeah.
    Is it a waste of time? Hell yeah.
    Would it be satisfying? Hell yeah.

    [–]2johnnight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    People will only stop shooting at you, if they fear you shooting back.

    [–]Scrubpuppy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Step 1. Don't ever hang out with work people unless they are the same gender and are your kind of people.

    There is no step 2 because that's really all you need to know. I'm glad your oneitis is moving away though.

    [–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Instead she's proven to be a total cunt.

    Get used to it - there's plenty of them around and society enables and encourages this behaviour.

    This is how women behave - they pit men against each other. This means complaining to management or other authority to undermine your power and increase hers.

    Learn that this is how they operate and live your life accordingly.

    For now - keep quiet and plot your revenge. But don't get caught.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Vox Day has a wonderful book, its about SJW attacks, but it's apt here.

    1. Stay calm, realize no one cares

    2. don't apologize

    3. get it all in writing.

    He puts it into better perspective, and it's apt here. Also, be aware, all HR cares about is being liable to a lawsuit, say nothing, ask them to put any formal complaints in writing, and hold for legal counsel (for any wrongful termination lawsuits)

    You'll find these go away right quick. Remember, no laws were broken, the company only wants the easiest way out, on teh cheap, and with less risk

    [–]Endorsed ContributorAFPJ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Despite my explanations he still had to give me a verbal warning.

    In CorporateLand, explanations only lend credence to fault - don't do this again. Set an appointment with your boss, tell him you believe X has it out for you & needs to seek mediation rather than unprofessionally complain. Keep your cool because you are not the issue and she's just fucked herself out of any possible promotions, and likely even merit raises, by creating work / paper trails / problems for your supervisor in hopes that you will overreact to something.

    [–]adidasimwearing 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Ahh this is so in my wheel house. Without qualifying...women with big tits are tired of them when they're 20, sick of them when they're 30. Oh my neck, oh my back, blah blah blah never mind that they've gained 30 lbs. and totally out of shape.

    Regardless...guys: don't talk about women's breasts especially in the workplace. I think OP got a raw deal for genuinely being interested but because you have a dick means you don't get to talk about it. Women with big breasts HATE their big breasts and have garnered a lifetime of negative attention (negative to them). When they get them reduced they want to pretend like it didn't happened and "certainly nobody will notice that much". The breasts, even reduced, are still a mega-no trespass topic.

    I have some awful experience with breast reductions. Sorry if I went off on a tangent.

    [–]Snazzy_Serval[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    But it wasn't even in the workplace and she brought it up.

    So I essentially got dinged for asking a follow up question.

    [–]adidasimwearing 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Completely unfair. Unfortunately a good topic though for the group. Good buddy of mine is in HR at a Fortune 500 who reports that the workplace is a "floating concept". Company retreat, parking lot outside of restaurant of work function, softball field, Xmas party at hotel...all considered fair game for company liability issues like sexual harassment.

    It's fucking bullshit.

    [–]RunawayGrain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You also know that someone is out for you now. So keep your mouth closed and lay off the booze while around people from work.

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children)

    Sue her for libel/slander/defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress .

    [–]dan_legend 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    It too late the idiot already admitted it to his boss. Never admit anything that has to be proven by witnesses.. what the fuck is this bush league mickeymouse bullshit?

    [–]imtiredofmysself -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    How

    [–]DevilishRogue -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Go to your boss, say that after seeking legal advice you believe the complaint to be vexatious and ask what the procedure is for dealing with vexatious complaints. Be as serious as cancer and more importantly state that you don't hold it against your boss. Say "I'm sorry that they've put you in this position", making it clear that it is their fault for this and all you are doing is protecting yourself from false and malicious allegations. Write a log of every interaction related to this at the time it happens. Be by the book. If he asks why you are doing this say you want it expunged from your record and that nothing less is acceptable. If you can make the argument of harassment as this was someone eavesdropping on a private conversation away from work about a medical procedure someone else was describing to you. Meanwhile, take every opportunity to passively aggressively make her life as difficult as possible without any comeback to you.

    [–]assured_destruction -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    I would talk to HR. ( unless they are known to be SJWs ) Explain this happened outside work and working hours It was part of a conversation SHE started. It was completely in context.

    I had a girl who mentioned in an exit interview that we would talk about sex ( I don't know exactly what she said, they wouldn't tell me ). HR went ballistic. Then I explained she came to my office started every conversation, it was about HER sex life not mine and she was interrupting MY work, I could not get her to leave

    Situation over.

    [–]WhorehouseVet -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

    Put a condom in her office and report her to HR, makes sure you talk a out how it made you felt this is an unsafe work environment.