How do I kill that voice in my head that says I can't be with a woman? (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

Every time I think about implementing game and all that shit, I have that nagging voice in the back of my head that says, "You're a 28-year-old virgin, you can't be with a woman. You have no experience, blah blah blah."

What's the best way to defeat this voice?

Edit: You know what? All you folks are alright. Thanks for the advice.

[–]topothebellcurve 65 points66 points  (3 children)

Throw yourself into the fire. Only thing worse than failure is regret. At 28, you already know that, just act. Seek to fail in order to progress. I mean, you'll try not to fail, but expect that it will happen, and then view that failure as a hard won lesson.

As far as the voice in your head, dont listen to the voice of current you. Listen to the voice of the future you that you wish to be. Don't let him down.

[–]artieman 21 points22 points  (0 children)

As far as the voice in your head, dont listen to the voice of current you. Listen to the voice of the future you that you wish to be. Don't let him down.

This quote right here is prob the best thing I have heard in a long time. Thank you for that.

[–]resnine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He has to fucking kill it. The biggest enemy that we will ever have is ourselves. No single person has to much influence or control that us. We are the determining factor in all areas of ourselves. We often forget how powerful we actually are and listen to that small minded version of ourselves that say "YOU CAN'T" FUCK YOU I CAN DO ANYTHING I FUCKING WANT GO TO FUCKING HELL

[–]Drive_Thru_Sushi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Commented to come back to this comment, its good advice

[–]301niko 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Even if you get rejected so what? We're pieces of meat.

[–]resnine 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Just temporary zig zagging atomic combinations that will be dust someday.

[–]c9t1120 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Get experience. I hadn't kissed a girl until last week(I'm 20). And i feel more confident now. So wait for your first and go for it.

[–]nappy_poontang 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Read “Feeling Good” by Dr David Burns. It is a layman’s explanation to CBT. CBT is the best counter to negative thoughts.

It changed my life. I do not say that lightly.

[–]XCKCX 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It changed my life.

The book or actual CBT?

[–]nappy_poontang 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both. The book taught me how to use the thing that brought the change.

That’s like asking what changed your life? Losing weight or the diet you used? Getting that job or graduating from college? Retiring early or the money you saved?

One is the work, the other the results.

[–]3d_truth -1 points0 points  (1 child)

What is CBT?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I've undergone a bit, it helped. Basically it is recognizing thought patterns that lead to anxiety/depression, etc. It helps you identify the triggers that lead to recurring depressive, anxious, or obsessive thoughts. There are therapists who utilize CBT, but ultimately it is the patient's responsibility to implement it. In my personal experience, it helped me defeat paranoid thoughts about what other people were thinking about me.

Apparently it has actually been effective in treating people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

[–]purplefidgetmidget 9 points10 points  (0 children)

TRP is mostly about self-improvement, so you need to lift, get a life mission and hobbies, dress well and talk to people.

I'm not sure what your definition of 'be with a woman' means, but if it means sex then you can implement the entirety of TRP without getting into bed with a girl. You can talk to them and say hello, you can tease them, you can A&A etc. and just have a good time.

All you need to do then is learn to look for iois and let them tell you what you can do.

[–]Pluglord 8 points9 points  (1 child)

How are you supposed to kill it if you’re the one giving it life?

[–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because you're the one in control of it. It doesn't control you, you control it. It has as much power over you as you give it.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Lift. Lose body fat.


[–]kylerosa21 2 points3 points  (2 children)

You should remember that you’re almost at peak SMV. Usually hit it around 30 i believe if I’m not mistaken. You’re more likely to pull bitches than I, a 20 yr old college student, am.

[–]AdamNJH 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That's only if hes been doing things to improve his smv. If he lifts, has good frame and a great job I doubt he would still be a virgin.

Once you turn 30 it doesn't magically mean you will attract pussy, you have to put the work in.

[–]kylerosa21 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is also true. I just assume it’s a normal man putting in work

[–]Wrath_of_Trump 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Because that is what you are. A 28 year old virgin. If you do other things, you'll be other things. You need to stop thinking about women and start living, I know its hard. We are wired to think about them all the time but its especially bad if you have nothing to do because you waste your precious time. It sounds cliche but go pick up a hobby. Go challenge yourself and accomplish, you will face scarier things than women.

[–]KingoftheCastle94 2 points3 points  (4 children)

this is gonna sound braggy, and you know what fuck it ill admit im bragging. but i was in a similar situation and lost my virginity pretty late. funny thing was i had watched so much porn i knew how to fuck and how to fuck well, i also had researched ways to delay ejaculation and make sex last longer. i had all the makings of a good sex partner in my knowledge but no experience. eventually i did enough things right to land a date with a girl. got to hers and things just flowed, i took the lead and led her into the bedroom and took charge in the bed, ended up fucking her brains out and she was repeatedly telling me i had good dick. she assumed i get pussy all the time when the opposite was true and i had actually just lost my virginity to her. the point im trying to make is you can somewhat "fake it till you make it". look at different porn positions and how to do them properly and how the girl responds youll quickly learn what girls love in the bedroom. combine that with some confidence and that "act like you belong" philosophy and you'll be fucking like a man who has years of experience

[–]SuperCrazy07 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I dunno about this. Porn wasn't readily available when I was younger/virgin...but, having had lots of sex and seen lots of porn, I can't say I think porn accurately depicts normal fucking (unless you're into screwing your stepsister behind the couch while mom is watching TV).

[–]KingoftheCastle94 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

You gotta think with your brain and not your dick. Once you do that you'll be able to separate what's realistic and what's not. It doesn't take a genius to figure out you won't be fucking your step sister or picking up every girl and fucking her against the wall when you struggle to bench your bodyweight. But using moves like the pronebone and light bondage and maybe some hair pulling are very realistic and are used in normal sex situations too. Just don't be an idiot and try to grab a girl by the throat and slam her on the bed and force your cock down her throat without atleast discussing it with her beforehand and getting her permission. Don't be a dumb fuck and you'll be fine. (Speaking generally here)

[–]SuperCrazy07 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It doesn't take a genius to figure out you won't be fucking your step sister or picking up every girl and fucking her against the wall

The step sister/mom comment was sarcasm because for some reason half the porn videos seem to have that idiotic theme.

I disagree on the picking girls up though. I can almost always turn a no into a yes when I pick my wife up and carry her into the bedroom.

[–]resnine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"fake it till you make it" and "act like you belong" absolutely right. Couldn't agree more on those two points.

[–]TermiFaptor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

agree and amplify

[–]cl3537 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You can't, but you will try anyway and it will be awkward so what. She won't be the last women you will be with so what. You will also realize pussy and sex are not the end all be all that you thought so what.

"For every beautiful women there is a man who is tired of fucking her"

Your mindset should be improve your approaches, improve your sexual skills, if it doesn't work that is okay just try again be outcome independent. One women doesn't matter, it only matters if you are too afraid to approach many.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Meditate see how fast it changes you. 8 weeks and you'll be a new man.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does it really make such a big change.

[–]RedPilledRoaster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just approach. Experience.

[–]Roadhouse1984 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think it's a voice that you enable because you can use it as an excuse to listen to when you want to avoid potential discomfort.

I list my virginity later than you did. First time was awkward as fuck. There are other times I went limp (due to stuff in my head...the plumbing was fine. I beat my dick every day like it owes me money).

How do you do more pull ups? Go do pull ups.

You will try. You will fail. Do not give up hope.

Some Buddhist or whatever saying is "before enlightenment..chop wood. Once you reach enlightenment...continue chopping wood." You will feel like a great weight is lifted off your shoulder and you will realize how silly it was to build up this entire mountain of negativity and anxiety and shame.

If you crash and burn initially do not give up. If you go limp do not amplify that voice.

As a practical tip I would suggest to try to strive for maybe ideally a week of nofap before a plannable potential intimate event or before you plan on going out on the weekend or whatever. Don't stress it if you don't time it well or if you fapped the same day even before planning a meetup. Reason being the only study to profess benefits for nofap found a slight increase in testosterone if fapping only once a week and some common thought is to spank it before a date to not feel as nervous. Longer periods of nofap produced no results and even lower testosterone the longer you nofapped. I think this last chunk of text will help you mitigate going limp and help you overpower that inner voice if you can get a thirsty raging boner going. If you go limp you will feel like shit and the woman will 99% guaranteed be ok and supportive and open to trying again later that night or some other time and act like nothing happened. If she is mean or angry about it or starts to try to insult you she is an evil cunt and you are better off not sticking your dick in that. However she might also deeply wonder if it's her and she's unattractive (which may or may not be the case and a legitimate reason for limpness). If you didn't fap and you bust pretty early then she doesn't have those thoughts and would even be flattered by thinking she is just so fucking hot that you can't help but skeet right away. You will also officially stop being a virgin and can play the "I just had sex" song when you're alone...or fuck it..even in front of her.

Of course don't rape, try to be cool, and do your damnednest to wrap it up. It can be tempting to want to slide in raw while you're hard(if this is something you're worried about - I was) but be prepared for the consequences if you decide to do that.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]Roadhouse1984 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    30 - tinder date who explicitly wanted to fuck that night. Maybe a 6.5. Started fucking her at half mast. Went totally limp a few minutes in. Winged it with foreplay. I tried to explain to her what's wrong and that I've never done this before. She said she wouldn't have guessed my virginity and was shocked how that's possible since I am fine as fuck. She sucked me to get me going and we were aces after that.

    9 women fucked total. 2 female friends that used to be plates (they found golden ticket cucks to get serious with). 2 plates now. One maybe LTRY...

    Could be better but I'm honestly more after trying to crush it at work, buying a house, finding better hobbies and friends. They're not gonna stop making women. They will be around.

    [–]VikkBlack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Nice guy syndrome read NMMNG

    [–]Fun2badult 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Everyone gets similar voices, but the ones that succeed are the ones that says fuck You and push through

    [–]resnine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I am 29, I have that demon inside of me too. In fact, I made a post quite similar. That inner voice has to be killed. That beast does not want to see you become successful or be your greatest self. I have no fucking idea why it is there, but it's real. It's something inside you that doesn't want you to be the best fucking version that you could possibly be. So it fucks you over. You have to kill it. Everyday kill it. Make it your bitch. No more enslavement to a false version of yourself. That is not you, YOU ARE YOU. Not that voice. If you want to talk you can PM me. We are going through similar struggles. Am not a virgin but have no had sex in 8 years and have fallen into the barren pits of depression.

    [–]markmcccc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That's called the enemy mind. It tries to stop you from doing what you really need to do whether its working out, running, talking to girls, eating healthy ect. just do the opposite of what its telling you. The more you resist it it'll loose power over you.

    [–]2chazthundergut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Don't try to get rid of the voice.

    Just take action anyways.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    play sports

    [–]Rex83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I had the same problem. It comes down to conditioning yourself you can be with a woman, have your experience tell otherwise and you'll start viewing yourself differently. To achieve that, just throw yourself into the fire like another user already said. If it's really holding you back from achieving results, go abroad where a foreigner gets laid much more easily (Asia and South-America come to mind).

    [–]Ubergeeek 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Start at the bottom and work your way up. Hi and fuck something you're not proud of. Then work your way up

    [–]Dominic_Farussi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The overall advice being given to you here is pretty useful for this particular case. I think you're asking us to help you assess a symptom rather than the cause, though.

    Check this out and feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.

    Good luck.

    [–]AshyBoneVR4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Start talking to ugly girls. Get comfortable, start talking to slightly less ugly girls. Get comfortable. Start talking to normal looking girls. Get comfortable. Talk to decent looking girls. Get comfortable. Stop and realize that all the girls you've talked to are basically all the same type. Realize that these girls are all just regular people who are exactly like you. They all have their problems, short comings, and flaws. Stop putting these bitches on pedestals. It's not worth your time.

    [–]untilimthere 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Think of what a person who gets girls looks and acts like, and then work to become that person. Move away from your current state towards this person and one day you will look in the mirror and see him.

    [–]Bruchibre 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Are you really hearing voices in your head? :)

    My advice would be "don't think about it". Maybe you have no experience, so who cares? just keep it for yourself. If first time is bad, it's always bad for men, well at least you won't be a virgin anymore.

    [–]its_meKnightSwolaire[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I remember being 18 and virgin

    This girl I worked with (yes I shat in my nest, lessons learned) had the biggest fucking titties ever, and I just remember thinking fuck it, who cares if she rejects me, I have to try to hit that.

    I asked her out. She told me she had bf.

    Two days later she invited me out to lunch. When i dropped her off she put moves on me and insisted that I come inside. She took my virginity.

    Turns out she was a nympho. She couldn’t refuse anyone who asked her out basically.

    But she did give me that self confidence I was lacking.

    After that I just asked asked girls out a lot more.

    It’s a numbers game. You get lucky if you keep playing the game.

    FYI I wasn’t anything special at the time. I wasn’t fat though.

    [–]bleuge 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Drugs help.

    [–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The voice is retarded. The solution to no experience is to get experience.

    The voice is just you repeating how you THINK other people see you.

    Ignore the voice, live your own life.

    [–]Self-honest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Prove it wrong and shut it up.