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Divorced because of cancer with a child. (self.asktrp)

submitted by MrLN1x

I need some advice, I was married for just over 9 years and had a child after almost 4 years of knowing and being married to her. Things where fine until my son was born but it was the usual stuff. But then I got cancer, I wasn't able to work for 3 years. I had leukaemia and 2 bone marrow transplants, this was no joke. Before and after I had gotten sick I was home taking care of our son, even after I got out of the hospital at 100 pounds I was taking care of him 12+ hours a day. 2 years after the transplant I was able to start working again, 2 months after I started working she came home from being on 6 week vacation without me and told me to "move out and find someone else to fuck'. She went back home to her parents in Europe for her 6 week vacation. I never cheated on her, I never hit her I never did anything wrong to her besides getting sick. We lived together for another 6 months after she came back and she took all of the money out of our joint savings account $50+ thousand at that time and bought a house even before any divorce papers were filed.

To say the least I got screwed in court, I have my son a few days a week and over night but I pay for his health insurance and $160 a week. I make $1075 a week, I come home with $526.07. I am going for a new job that is just over $100,000 a year double what I make now. Meanwhile she works as a "nanny" and cleaning houses and does not report her full income so it looks like she makes much less, even though she bought a new house in one of the richer towns in Connecticut and also bought a new car with in the first year of buying that house. She also bought an apartment in Europe where she is from a year before we got divorced without telling me. Why? Because I was home too sick to work but still taking care of our son, cooking 3 meals a day for him, giving him a bath everyday and taking care of him. She said "you aren't working, you are the woman now in the marriage you don't have any say what happens with the money"

What can I do to fix this situation? I can not keep letting her take 1/3 of my pay epically when she is hardly paying any taxes and makes more than me because of that. I am 36 years old, my son is 8 I can not live this way for another 10 years. Thank you.

#### EDIT

I am divorced, the divorce was final in 2016. Also she is not an american citizen. She has told me she used me for a green card. I need to change the child support payments. I don't care about the money and the house she bought. But she has done a lot of improvements to the house such as put in new bathrooms in the basement and a bunch of other stuff without permits so I was thinking maybe I could tell the Town about that? I don't know. She works 2 or 3 jobs all under the table or she under reports it. She claimed to make $37,000 the year we filed for divorce and she bought that new house. the median income where she bought the house is $80,000 a year. I need help


[–]daytonbull90 61 points62 points  (8 children)

r/legaladvice

I'd invest in a great lawyer, and a private investigator to prove she's not on the up and up. But then again, if I ever got married in the first place and got divorced, I'd quit my job and give all my possessions away. Zero alimony, zero to her, zero repercussions. I search Craigslist all the time for divorce sales, I saw a Kabota tractor for $5 one time, I was too slow though.

[–]Bruchibre 5 points6 points  (4 children)

That seems to be a good idea especially if the divorce hasn't been decided yet, but in his case it seems that the court has already decided on alimony etc. Plus she already took all the content of the joint account.

Is there a special category for that on Craigslist?

[–]daytonbull90 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Just search 'divorce', and get a CL notifier for your phone. I have my phone checking CL for 'divorce' every 5 minutes lol

[–]Bruchibre 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the pro tips!

[–]aznredpill 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Any app recommendations?

[–]AshyBoneVR4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I search Craigslist all the time for divorce sales, I saw a Kabota tractor for $5 one time, I was too slow though.

Holy fuckin shit I need to start doing this....

[–]MrLN1x[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I already have gone to divorce court it is all over. The lawyer fucked up so bad she never charged me for anything more then the retainer.

[–]DiscordantMonk 14 points15 points  (7 children)

There's a lot of details missing here. Where is the money paper trail? Why didn't you claim half of all her shit, I mean half of your shit. Congrats on the job tho

[–]Losingsteamfast 20 points21 points  (5 children)

Heres how divorce courts work. Your ex gets custody of the kid because "its what's best for the child." She uses the kid as leverage to get money from you. The court decided little timmy is entitled to the exact same lifestyle that he had before. This means mom who has custody gets to keep all of the assets because its what's best for little timmy. You cant force mom to split that 50k because then poor timmy would have to live in a cheaper area and living in an expensive house in a nice part of town gets priority over you getting your 50%. Now our strong independent mom is raising little timmy on her own and you're now just a deadbeat dad. So the court says you need to take responsibility to pay for the child you abandoned. Our hero mom is just a lowly nanny struggling to get by so you need to cover the gap.

Ops bitch ex is smart. She waited until he was working to dump him so the court would consider his current income. Shes also smart to not report her income so it looks like shes impoverished and pretend she needs even more help.

[–]DiscordantMonk 6 points7 points  (4 children)

My divorce went much much differently, perhaps OP had a shit lawyer.

[–]Losingsteamfast 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Did you have kids?

[–]DiscordantMonk 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Yep

[–]Losingsteamfast 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Dont lose that lawyers number because I've never met a guy with kids who had everything whacked up 50-50.

[–]DiscordantMonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I actually didn't use a lawyer :)

[–]MrLN1x[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What would you like to know? The Judge in the case did not see it that way that the bank account was half hers and mine. I won't lie between the stress of all this and being so sick with cancer I was not on point you might say

[–]319Skew 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Minus the cancer there's a lot of similarities to my divorce here. So here's what I'd recommend. Read r/legal but nothing trumps a good lawyer. Discuss anything legal with your actual lawyer instead of internet keyboard warriors.

Hypergamy doesn't care about how good of a man you were and what you did. It's a cold hard truth. It doesn't matter how kind you were, how sweet you were, how much of a great provider or how patient you were. All of it is expected from her. You're just doing what you were supposed to and unfortunately now that she seen you in a weaker frame, she's moved on emotionally to something or someone else.

Part of learning the RED pill is holding it down because the cold hard truth hurts like a bitch until you fully accept it.

So, yea. I'm not going to bother giving you legal advice. The courts are on her side and you can only minimize how hard you're raped but not eliminate it. Lawyer up with good legal and go for what's best for your child to the best of your ability. You won't ever come out on top and I won't lie to you, you may be going through a huge up hill battle.

My ex wife took half of what I had, went after me for my personal effects, made fake allegations that have impacted my ability to travel, put me through a depression that lasted for awhile and finacialy crippled me for almost 2 years (slowly starting to reclaim my previous state of positive net earnings). In her 'oppressed' state, she now has her own place and purchased a new car. I pay child support knowing that it's not going towards my son as I see her buy furniture and art work but can't do anything about.

Hoping you're doing better and that your mind is in a better place. Hobbies, friends, and outside activities are recommended. Be there for your child and avoid any hostility towards her, it'll just give her more credibility in the courts. Instead, work on yourself, be a positive strong role model for your child and minimize any interactions you have to only discussions about your child.

I don't have to say this but I'm going to...don't plate her. Don't think about getting back together. Don't think about mending the fence or trying again. She's dead to you.

Hoping you've at least won your fight with cancer. Now begins the fight for your peace of mind.

Stay strong , brother.

[–]MrLN1x[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the kind words, the divorce is over and has been for 2 years

[–]wkndatbernardus 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm not a lawyer but I do come at this question with a lot of experience (ex wife was a sahm, she had affair with nextdoor neighbor, got pregnant by him, div raped me).

Honestly, it sounds like you had a shit lawyer. Yes, the cards are stacked against the spouse who is working and wasn't the primary caretaker of the child but, a good lawyer would have immediately hired a forensic accountant to find all the ways that ho was hiding income (and the $50k she took from the marital account!). I'm guessing she has money in a bank somewhere. How did it get there? As Deep Throat said, follow the money.

If you want to lower the support order with the help of a forensic accountant, the time to do it is now. Don't wait until you start working at the new, higher paying job because then the court will probably increase your CS obligation if you return to court. A good rule of thumb for working dad's is to stay away from court unless your ex is some ball squeezing executive that makes bank. Then, you should def go back to court and witness one of the rarest sights in the wild; a woman getting screwed in family court.

Seriously though, your weekly obligation isn't that high (mine is close to $300/week) and I've been paying for 10 years now (child is 13). When all is said and done (child graduates from college), I'll have paid that cheating slut over a quarter of a million dollars. Let that sink in for a moment so you know how relatively good you have it. Things can always be much, much worse for guys like us, believe me. So, although it sounds twisted, count your blessings, dog.

You want to hear something funny, though? I've never been wealthier in my life. I'm 37 looking at early retirement by 45 because the CS obligation forced me to consider where all my money was going. I began to see how frugality, smart, low cost investing, and tax minimization could balloon my networth even if I was paying my ex all that money, week in, week out. After all, it's not what you make, it's what you take that counts.

Now, unless your agreement stipulates that you show each other your tax returns at the end of the year, under NO circumstances should you tell her you got a new job that makes double the salary. Just STFU about your finances unless subpoenaed by the court. In my state, child support only gets modified if one of the parents files for such a modification so, don't say a damn word about your new, higher salary to her (or anyone, for that matter).

One big advantage you have is that your child is a boy. This will be very powerful because boys naturally gravitate towards their fathers. Later on when he can decide who he wants to live with, your bond with him will probably make him want to live with you which will have the added bonus of lowering you CS to a low amount, if not $0.

Anyway, those are my non professional thoughts so, take them with a grain of salt. Despite the your current setback caused by a woman that is taking advantage of our legal system, strive to be an honorable, strong man and things will fall into place, believe me.

[–]Bruchibre 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Given your situation, how did you end up being so screwed in court? You had cancer, she works, in the end is 160 a week a lot? is it only for your son or also for her alimony? I'm not from USA and am a bit clueless about values.

In general, she is playing dirty tricks and has lost all consideration for you and went full bitch mode. So don't be afraid to do the same. Get a lawyer, find proofs that she doesn't declare her income and has bought property in Europe, this kind of stuff. All you want after all is a fair trial based on informed decisions, don't try to be "the better one".

Out of curiosity because I'm also from Europe (UK/France), may we know which country she is from please? Is she from Eastern Europe?

[–]Losingsteamfast 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Divorce court here is incredible. In one breath they declare that mom isnt capable of supporting the child without substantial financial assistance. Instead of doing the logical thing of awarding custody to the competent parent who can actually take care of the child they demand that the one who actually works be punished.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You showed weakness (albeit cancer) and she left.

Hypergamy, my friend.

[–]room_303 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He put a boot through cancers face though, ex should be scared.

[–]TRP VanguardWhisper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ooooh.

TRP doesn't have a magic wish-granting djinni. There is no set of perfect game skills that will make a fucked up court system, or a fucked up culture, not apply to you.

For everyone else reading: THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GET MARRIED, DUMBASS.

For you: you need legal help, not our help. The only thing WE can tell you is don't be afraid to be as ruthless as the law allows. Women will CUT you and never shed a tear. If you are fighting one, don't hold back.

[–]oristar223 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Not all women leave men than go through what he went through. She's a bitch. You're better off. Marriage ===> a trap.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

#NotAllWomen

#NAWALT

haha

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My absolute condolences brother this is fucked and I don't often physically feel empathy for others but I felt hollow and empty as I was reading this

Clearly you're a great father who even while physically shredded and destroyed you continued to look after your son better than some physically healthy fathers do

As the top comment says take this new salary of yours and go find a good lawyer and do everything you can to take your kid and life back

Fuck that bitch whore ex of yours and good luck to you and your son

[–]MrRoxo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]HannibalBacara 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really do wanna get married some day because I feel that is the optimal way to raise children but then I read posts like this.

In the words of Kanye “We want prenup”

The only way I’m gonna get married is if I have a thorough prenup document drafted by a good lawyer.

[–]BostonPillParty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s lots a good tactical, legal recommending advice in this thread already so I’ll spare you that.

What I will say, is you need to make sure you’re taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health through this trying time… A lot of things are not going as you want them to, but just think of how better off things will be after time passes and you’re in a different situation. I’m sure your kid motivates you enough, so you don’t have to think anymore about that but keep in mind. Stay strong, AWALT, don’t make the same mistake again.

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some nigga is hittin that ass and paying her cash. There are tons of hot poor women, but when a hot woman lives in the suburbs or upper class areas, a man is frontin the vast majority of it. That purse, the car, the vacation, the jewelry, the clothes.

[–]FemtoG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

absolutely terrifying

seriously..what would I do in that situation?

I would probably disconnect myself entirely from society. Escape to another country and just live my life out as a peasant until I die in some European countryside.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

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[–]mlbmoneyliner 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its likely real

[–]Narcissist456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There are posts like this all the time here. Divorce rape is rampant.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

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[–][deleted]  (2 children)

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    [–]Viking_RnP 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Thanks buddy I had no idea

    [–]friendandadvisor -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Could you elaborate and point out which part to keep and which part to leave in?