Why are you checking out other women shit-test - I need a better response (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

My wife's been bringing this one up of late. It's probably less of a shit test and more of her trying to work out the puzzle that is dread game. I've been doing my best to end the line of questioning, but it keeps popping back up. I'm pretty sure she's actually more pissed that other girls are checking me out, but she can't exactly press that point. I don't think I've been ridiculously obvious, but right now my wife is watching it like a hawk and the other girls are delivering IOIs right back.

First incident: Two weeks ago, a girl (9) is all over me in the hot tub. I'm not pursuing, in fact I tell her I'm married, but she's basically inches from me when my wife rolls up. This is inadvertently a result of me giving the 18 year old next to me a lesson in how to pick up girls. She gets upset about me being next to the girl when we are getting changed later, I shrug it off and tell her I didn't touch the girl. The topic comes up again that night in bed, I ask her if she'd rather have a guy that no one was interested in and quickly end the discussion. Then we have sex.

Second: Apparently I checked out some girl and she spotted me. I'm pretty sure it was when I was walking out by the pool and wasn't aware that she could see me, but I don't bother asking when it happened because that just legitimizes her complaint. I deflected it twice.. ignoring it and changing the subject. I literally didn't give up an inch on it. It comes up again when we are bed and I shut it down with "I'm a man. I've got eyes and a pulse and I'll be looking at attractive women." End discussion and that night we have sex.

Third: We went out to a dualing piano bar, there was a batchelorette party that was funny in a sort of drunk and a bit embarrassing way. A bunch of 6-8's I wasn't even interested in, but they were right in front of stage and I made the mistake of commenting on a girl's legs when my wife is talking about them. Wife gets a little pissy there, I shrug it off. By the end of the night we are all hammered, we have sex that I can't remember and there's no discussion. The next morning a hot girl (8) obviously checks me out right in front of her. She comments on it in Spanish to her mother, which I catch and laugh about. That night the wife goes off about it in bed again, saying I don't find her attractive and mentions being jealous for the first time. I point out that I'm always trying to have sex with her which proves I find her attractive and then immediately escalate into sex. I get a soft no, but she initiates later.

I'm guessing that I'm doing dread right since I'm getting laid every time and she seems in a decent enough mood. I'm just really sick of answering this question and I'm not terribly interested in refraining from looking at other women.

How do I shut it down without being overly harsh?

[–]2RPstudent 44 points45 points  (2 children)

You're doing fine

Pay no attention to what she says (why are you eyefucking all those sluts, Enphuego?) Pay attention to what she does.

Each incident is followed by sex. She is rewarding the behavior she wants you to continue, which is being attractive to other girls. More on point (cause solipsism) she is cognizant that if she doesn't keep your dick wet, some other slut will.

[–]1R_E_D_1 21 points22 points  (7 children)

Some fun responses to 'why are you checking out other women?'

'They're hot. Should I not be attracted to attractive women? If not, then what does that make you?'

'Don't worry about who i'm looking at. I'm here with you. Keep complaining though and I'll go find them.'

'Check 'em out with me! Whoever spots the hottest chick by the end of the day gets head from the other.'

Full on dark triad response: 'Be hotter than them and you'll have nothing to worry about.'

Don't worry about being harsh. She's still with you and banging you. Maintain frame and your dread game will stay maxed out. Also, when she says a 'soft no' then comes back for the D, refuse. She needs to learn that her chance comes when you initiate. Refusal will only amplify the dread game even more.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

when she says a 'soft no' then comes back for the D, refuse.

Interesting tactic. Never even thought of doing that. I get a lot of soft no's.

[–]1R_E_D_1 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Yeah, I don't trust anything other than clear, definite signals that she wants the D. If she says 'no' then the night is over and I go to sleep. If she persists in trying to have sex I move to the couch or leave. No sex is worth a woman's games. Maintain frame and your sex will get better, either with her or with someone else. Abundance mentality my friend. Keep it front and center.

This 'soft no' bullshit is a game she plays to try and get revenge on you for looking at other women. Thing is, she's so intimated by the attraction these women have for you that she knows she'll have to put out to keep you.

Fuck that. She needs to understand that looking isn't pursuit and that she needs to appreciate the fact that her man is in bed with her and no one else. For your own peace of mind understand that 'soft no' means no for you both. And don't initiate anymore after that. Keep looking at other women, have a good time at all times, let the girls eye-fuck you and maintain frame and amused mastery. She will straighten out her shit.

[–]BornAgainAlpha 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Amused Mastery is starting to become too much of a default tactic for me. As an older man with a young daughter, still new to RP ideas, this one worked for me right out of the box. I even use it with my daughter at times and it works great there too.

I'm still learning though and don't want to just go "there, found a good technique, I'm good to go" because it works. I know without variety and constant improvement my game will wither on the vine.

I haven't internalized enough philosophy to respond without effort to shit-tests yet because I'm still learning to identify them. Working on that. Any pointers to where I can learn to sharpen up my skills there? Haven't run across anything like that yet.

Although I do know how to handle them from my daughter. I'm doubting the "Dad look" and "name in a harsh tone" would have the same effect on a woman since that relies on a history that the look & tone combined are a warning shot that discipline is imminent due to inappropriate behavior and that behavior has to stop immediately or the discipline comes down like a hammer. My kid gets that and she is 9. Hell, maybe I'll try that. Treat them like my daughter since my daughter is more mature than them? Seems harsh, but at the same time somehow it feels right.

Also, What else besides Dread Game pairs up with Amused Mastery well? I figure if I'm studying one style at a time I should do so in an order where they'll compliment each other as I learn.

[–]1R_E_D_1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, treat them like you'd treat your daughter. You can adapt it so it's mature and respectful, but the application remains the same.

With women you're dating remember the abundance mentality. If she thinks you're ready to go at any time because you have better options she will be more apt to stay in line.

These aren't so much different styles as they are all one style to produce a lifestyle. Learn to include them all into how you work with women and you will find relationships with them much more rewarding.

[–]justskatedude -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Full on dark triad response: 'Be hotter than them and you'll have nothing to worry about.'


[–]KyfhoMyoba -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

Naaaah. Not sure exactly what you mean by 'soft' no, but there's a good chance that she wants to be over powered and taken by force. You might want to start testing the waters in that direction.

[–]1R_E_D_1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This kind of dumb shit gets you put in jail. Also, it's a waste of your time messing with girls that won't put out when so many others will.

[–]lloopy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You are doing it almost exactly right. Every time your wife feels threatened, she has sex with you.

The one time she doesn't is when you try to explain to her why you should be allowed to look at other women. Your non-answer is best. When you try to explain overly, you're asking permission, and beta-fying yourself.

[–]GrandCzarOfRedPill 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Spanish & Italian women can be very jealous. She's already passed playing it cool and the sense of dread is working but keep an eye out. You don't want it to turn into her becoming passive aggressive about it.

You sound like you're doing good now but if culturally your woman already looks at you as a leader you're ahead of most guys.

Was sex an issue before and now it's getting better?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Sex has never been much of an issue, but its been less of late since there's more stress in her life. It's both purposefully induced stress - I made it clear that she needed to lose weight and seek a decent paying job as well as some situational stress like moving. I was getting laid an average of once a day, that's down to 3-4 times a week now that I refuse to accept duty sex. It gets to be a lot of sex for her, but then again it's been like that since we met.

[–]GrandCzarOfRedPill 4 points5 points  (2 children)

So you were getting more sex until you made it clear that she needed to lose weight and get a better job?

I think dread works. I think it helps prevent being taken for granted. However, she's probably feeling fat because you told her to lose weight, which she's doing? She's also probably feeling a bit bad about not having a decent paying job. Now you have women giving you attention, wrapping their legs around you??

No offense but she's gonna lose weight, have a decent paying job and when she starts worrying about you and other women that may not end so well.

I might be alone in my opinion but this may be too much. Are you rewarding her for her efforts?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

She didn't see the leg wrap, I didn't encourage it and I made it clear that I was married and uninterested. She deals badly with stress and manages to get stressed over small workloads.

I've been doing my best to up the beta so she can feel safe in the relationship. I've never said anything bad about her appearance other than I expect her to be as attractive as she can be. I've also been paying special attention to making her feel loved and that I'm attracted to her, which is the truth. I've been buying little gifts, etc.

I don't want to damage my relationship. It's just that she's very dominant in the relationship and it's always been a clash of wills. I'm trying to take the lead and any power struggle is going to be met with resistance before it's met with acceptance.

[–]GrandCzarOfRedPill 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I get the dominant aspect and taking charge to be the leader. Try to be aware though. You don't think you said anything bad about her appearance but "hey babe, lose some weight" is fucking bad for a woman to hear. We know it's a good move but that shit still stings for them to hear.

You don't need to up the beta if she's dominant but try and chill on looking at other women. Get a pair or sunglasses or something. She's going to feel like shit if she's losing weight for you and you're looking at other women. Not really incentive for her to want to do anything for you.

Your sex life is good, keep it that way. Resentment will ruin it.

[–]drallcom3 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Spanish & Italian women can be very jealous.

On the other hand they fully expect you to check out other women or even go further.

[–]GrandCzarOfRedPill 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Expect you to notice, yes. Think there is a chance you would go further, yes. Expect you to go further, maybe. Want you to go further, NO.

Women from certain cultures who have the idea of dread already instilled in them respond well to a dominant man but dread works a little differently with them. (Keep in mind, I'm not referring to Americanized women)

Spanish women (because the OP mentioned his wife being Spanish) already have a traditional view on marriage. Most of them are more likely to embrace their sexuality. Have you seen Spanish TV? Their news anchors make ours look like feminist nuns. Even the OP admitted that sex was every day until he made some expectations known.

They already want to please their man, so they will do what you ask. But if they don't have their effort acknowledged then it can cause resentment. If having their man's approval is why they're doing something then him being receptive to other women while they are trying to please him, is a blow to their ego. And ego = heart for most of them.

This also is dependent on their specific background. "Spanish" covers a huge group that is diverse and different depending on where they're from.

[–]2Misteralcala 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As a married man of many many moons, I can verify that my marriage has never been better since I demonstrated to my wife I had other options, but chose to be with her.

That's how you have to frame it. You're choosing her. But that it's conditional on her behaviors. Examples:

"Yea she's pretty. But I chose to be with you. So far you've been worth it" and smile with a shit-eating grin.

"It's like they can sense what a great man you have and they want to know more!" Smile. Chuckle a bit.

"You've been able to keep me happy this long. I wouldn't worry about it too much." Laugh.

The happier person in a relationship is the one that has less to lose. Women know this.

[–]retiredALPHA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I go to the zoo to look at the lions, not bring them home.

[–]yummyluckycharms 3 points4 points  (5 children)

I say "Oh - I was - I didnt realize it. Bad habits die hard". Do it while smiling though

Its a gentle reminder that I was a bad boy in the past, and I can be again if my needs aren't being met. Yet, its also respectful, as I dont want to give her an excuse to oggle guys in front of me.

[–]LibertarianLibertine 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This is fully blue pill. You even call the habit -bad-

[–]yummyluckycharms 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Actually, its pretty red. You need to read between the lines and not take the statement literally - her hamster certainly isnt.

Also, I would agree with the comment regarding the dark triad strategy. It works great for plates because they are short term, but the problem with dark triad is that it eventually makes a girl paranoid and unstable to an unacceptable degree - which is not something you want in LTR.

[–]DumpyLips 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is perfect. You're giving her what she wants without actually apologizing and very gracefully telling her to get over it.

[–]JJTheJetPlane5657 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I like this response the best. I think it's a safe mix of blue and red pill for an LTR.

I think OP's responses are more on the red side, but it's also okay for an LTR. You just have to keep a better eye on your SO's mood and reactions.

I wouldn't recommend the dark triad response earlier in the thread. I don't think dark triad is ever the best option in an LTR, there are always other paths that would be at least as effective (if not more-so).

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly? I'd find it hilarious. She already tried making me jealous about the singer at the piano bar but trust me when I say my laugh was genuine.

I don't have an issue with her finding other guys hot or guys hitting on her. It's the nature of the game and it's to be expected. It's just doubtful that she can get another high status man to commit.

I'm not the jealous type and I'm not big on convincing girls that don't want to be with me to stay. I'm fine with her or without her, if she asked me for a divorce tomorrow, I'd sign the papers in a heartbeat.

That doesn't mean that I won't work for my marriage. I value it and want both of us to be happy, but both of us pulling in different directions doesn't benefit either of us.

[–]DanG3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I'm a red blooded, healthy, hetero sexual Man. That's what I do. Be thankful, I hear that some woman discover that their husbands have been checking out men for years."

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Word of caution: do not ignore female solipism, and be aware of what Pook calls womanese. For the most part women can't distinguish their internal world from the external one, and they primarily communicate through emotions. Although her words suggest that you are the one checking out other women, to her body and mind its indistinguishable from her being the one checking out men, or men checking out her.

Example: A girl says, you must be hungry. Translation: I'm hungry

Example: Why are you checking out other women? Translation: I've been checking out other men.

My thoughts might be overly paranoid, but keep an eye open and tighten the frame.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (5 children)

Are you sure it's dread, it sounds like you are just pissing her off, the point is to seem like you are actually desired by other women not that you are overtly disresepecting her.

So are the other girls checking you out or are you checking them out?

Don't apologise for her gelosie, play with it.

Agree and amplify: are you talking about the brunette or the red head?

You're wife is not one of your buddies and unless you are swinggers that is just plain disrestpectfull.

Stop starring at other women, glances, smiles are okay but you sound like a ordinary arsehole. Also defuse the situation don't let it fester. There is a difference between dread and just being an arse. I understand that as you are married you need to pay her back for some shit but this is just sadistic.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

So are the other girls checking you out or are you checking them out?

Both? I'm not making it seem like I'm being actually desired, it's actually happening.

In the first example, I didn't say a single word to the girl and she initiated by wrapping her legs around mine.

I'm not paying her back for anything. She's just become hyper-sensitive to other attractive women. I'm not staring, but then again it's hard to gage where that line is since the observer (my wife) is hardly objective. If I catch a woman looking at me, I look her in the eye and might display a faint smile.

I'm also not going to run around all day worrying about where my eyes are going.

[–]TheResistocrat 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Dang man, are you really good looking, or do you just have a magnetism about you? I don't think I've ever had a woman (literally) just fall into my lap like that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Being married and in a hot tub also helps

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I exaggerated that I didn't say a single word, I was running game, it just didn't really involve talking. Also, don't underestimate the power of just being in the right place at the right time.

I was sitting in the hot tub practicing building social rapport since that's a weak point of mine. There were a couple guys there and people in and out, I was chilling and drinking a beer. A younger guy hops in the tub - he's probably about 18 and black and scrawny as hell. I introduce myself, we chat a bit. He asks if he can have a beer and I tell him to grab one.

A while later a group of 5 black girls get into the tub. Three of them are ugly, two of them are around 8-9. I introduce myself and the guy next to me, act friendly and then go back to talking with the guy. A minute or two later the jets die out and my buddy jumps up to go hit the button. Inwardly I laugh a little - he's not getting anywhere with that tactic.

So when he get's back, I tell him to calm down with it. Next time, tell one of the girls to do it and it'll work out better for you. Then I say "Watch this" and I hop out of the pool to grab another beer. I come back in via the stairs, where one of the hot girls is sitting. I tell her to move out of my way in a manner that's not dancing around the issue but isn't incredibly rude either.

This is the point where her friend wraps her legs around mine as I come in. I give the friend the look of disapproval and keep going. At that point she's highly interested.

It could easily be that she was high (they had been smoking) and horny and I just happened to be the best thing around at the moment.

I don't honestly know how attractive I am. I'm certainly not in perfect shape, but I'm lifting and working on that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Smiling is cool, as long as you don't pursue you're cool.

You aren't the most objective either. Your post really comes across as you looking for trouble

Play around with her fits of jelousy. Tease or do a little hot and cold.

Nobody is arguing to be a peasant that does not dare look up, just that if you check other girls out in front of your wife you either have adhd or are an arse.