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Why do mothers try to embarrass their sons? (self.asktrp)

submitted by Joehogans

On the topic of female emotional power. Why is that mothers like to embarrass their sons? Does it give them some sort of control/power over them, if and when they realize there is something they can embarrase their sons over. Say a photo, or just a general event that occurs that her son feels insecure about, so she keeps bringing it to make him feel more embarrassed about it. I think that the three most powerful things a woman has in her emotional arsenal are embarrassment, shaming, and guilt. There may be more, those are just the ones that stand out the most to me. How does one get around this? and why do mothers and females in general use this?


[–]abdada 27 points28 points  (12 children)

Moms who love their sons will do things that a man might find embarrassing but I never did. I love that my mom's increased my SMV to women, and still does.

[–]Joehogans[S] 9 points10 points  (11 children)

What has she done to increase you SMV?

[–]abdada 58 points59 points  (10 children)

Her favorite "baby picture" of mine is my first kiss -- I was 4 years old and I smooched the neighbor's 9 year old blonde girl, lol. She loves that photo and tags me in it on instagram and facebook at last once a year.

I won a trophy in the boy scouts when I was 10 or 11 and was on the front page of our local village newspaper. Mom clipped that and still shows it to people. I'm 44 fucking years old but she still shows it off to cute girls, lol.

Mom still has no idea what I did for a living/income and when I was 17 I told her I wanted to be a gun runner. Maybe 6 years ago or so we were at a wedding (family friends) and some cute girls were asking her about me and what I did so she told them "I think he's a gun smuggler" and of course they all tried to throw their panties at me after that. She said it like she believed it, haha.

She'll show my photo to cute clerks at her bank -- I ended up plating one for many years out of that. The photo was of me at the age of 6 with a monkey on my shoulder or something. Insane shit.

Moms who love their sons will do things out of pride. Don't read anything into it, own it. Play on top of it.

[–]Joehogans[S] 34 points35 points  (5 children)

Man, you got a cool mom. She is trying to get you laid!

[–]abdada 17 points18 points  (3 children)

I don't think mom has a clue, she's not the brightest bulb in the closet. She's just mom being a mom, I don't pay much attention to it.

[–]IncognitoMaster91 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You truly were blessed to have an amazing mother like that. I'm happy for you. I got the complete opposite. While I was smart and always ranked top 10 in my class with barely any effort, she would tell her friends that I was lazy and could be skipped a grade if I would focus. Not saying it wasn't true but she never said anything about my strengths. Ever. And always talked about me to her friends, I know because she told me also that none of them wanted to come visit her because of my bad ways.

As a child I just internalized it all. Saying I was rubbish and not worth anything. I didn't know what I was doing to cause her to hate me but I just knew I was bad.

I'm ok now. U are one lucky dude. Thanks for sharing your memories. It was cool living vicariously there for a second.

[–]abdada 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yeah my parents are both amazing for me but I also know how to play on that. I was a shitty kid, my folks booted me out of the house at 13 and never let me back in, but they always admired and respected me after that point because I busted my ass for all I had. And I marketed myself well.

A man who markets himself will be a man with options everywhere in life. Many years ago, in the "MySpace" age, I decided to buy an ad on a bus stop bench with my face on it and some text for a business I ran. I took a selfie type photo of me sitting on that bench with my own face off to the side and it was fucking hilarious how much that stupid bench marketed me to women in the city. I had one bench only, yet people would stop me on the street and say shit like "hey are you the bus stop bench guy?"

Lol.

Market yourself always. If your parents market you, take advantage of it. If they don't, flip the script to take advantage of it.

[–]Joehogans[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Seems like she probably has an inkling as to what these girls find attractive (maybe doing it on dl). So she probably senses the emotions/rises in women and then leads them on your way.

[–]BernaySaynders 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know for sure my mom has tried to get my laid. Not always in the best of ways, but you gotta appreciate where they're coming from

[–]Auphor_Phaksache 1 point2 points  (3 children)

My mother doesn't know anything about me but my name.

[–]abdada -1 points0 points  (2 children)

Women should never know details about a guy -- not your mom, not your sister, not your daughter or wife.

[–]Yousuflol 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Really? Not my mother either, why not? (New to trp, still getting unplugged)

[–]abdada 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Because women are treasure hunters. All women.

  • Women love to dig for buried treasure; they hate finding it.
  • Women love shopping but hate what they bought.
  • Women love playing with puppies but hate walking the dog.
  • Women love the engagement ring and hate the wedding ring.

It doesn't matter who she is, if she's a woman you're going to have to stay mysterious or she will shit test you. Mothers shit test sons. Daughters shit test fathers.

One of my best friends for many years has 5 daughters and they've never given him trouble because they're always afraid he will up and leave without a trace. His family still doesn't know what he does for a living in his businesses -- not even his wife. She treats him like a king, too. Sometimes he will "leave for a business trip" and disappear for 2 weeks (only to check into a local hotel and binge netflix lol). It's fucking monster game he plays but it works great.

[–]KidWonder101 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Single moms view their son as products.

[–]PIGamer86 20 points21 points  (0 children)

It's only getting worse too. "I forced my 4yo son to wear a dress and makeup for a photo op, look how politically virtuous I am. Please shower me with likes while my kid starves."

[–]sagaray304 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It gives them a sense of control. Especially if their husband/partner is redpill and she can't control them. Dad was redpill, never screamed or shouted (great at holding frame) which infuriated my mom even more. Shit roles downhill.

Head over to /r/raisedbynarcissists/

[–]throwinghthisoneaway 4 points5 points  (0 children)

To piggy back on this post my mom is one of the most emotionally manipulative people I have ever met aside from my sister. Its actual insanity. Shes either completely oblivious to the fact that she is embarrassing and downright rude or she does it intentionally to get a rise out of me and create interesting drama in her life. I try not to give into it most times but it is literal shit tests coming from my mom which just makes me so infuriated.

Shes the typical blue pill enforcing mother and tried to raise me as such which explains why i was such a troublesome kid from a young age in school. I would get in trouble so fucking often because i felt like all authorities were my mother and I rebelled against them.

I dont have a solution for your troubles with your mom man. I cant think of one for myself. All i know is wrestling took my mind away from it so much that I would run to wrestle anytime I felt shitty and ended up getting really good at is as a consequence. This led me to develop my own discipline accountable only to myself. What I didnt realize is that your accountability for yourself has always been there all along, we just use the illusion of school and work with teachers and bosses as our tangibles for what keeps us accountable.

Long story short youre on your own regardless of family anyway. Think of your friends and family as privileges of happiness that you get to enjoy for being the awesome dude you are and if they dont want to be a part of your life thats cool cause youre happy being alone

[–]2chazthundergut 4 points5 points  (3 children)

If your mom is embarrassing you, it's a good sign that you need to grow some thicker skin. Who the fuck cares? Aw mommy was mean to me!! Good. She is preparing you for life. The world doesn't give a shit about you. It will pull you under and grind you into dust. People are going to come at you much worse than a little playful embarrassment. It's time to grow a pair of balls and some thicker skin. Time to man up.

[–]bigtuna45 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If your mom is embarrassing you, it's a good sign that you need to grow some thicker skin.

Exactly man - maybe get over whatever the fuck embaresses you?

My used to do this to me. At this point I don't give a fuck about what she says that's embarrassing.

Hold frame, if you can't handle your mom how will you handle the shit testing women your age and younger?

[–]melonsle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I disagree. This is green-lighting someones abuse rather than standing up to them and calling a spade a spade.

She is preparing you for life.

Again I disagree. She is preparing him for further abuse. People who suffer emotional abuse at home are more likely to seek out abusive partners, and suffer life long with low self esteem.

The world doesn't give a shit about you.

There may be a degree of truth in that, but your mother is supposed to care about your feelings. You are justifying the emotional abuse of an innocent person, whether you're aware of it or not.

It's time to grow a pair of balls and some thicker skin.

He should man up and kick his mother to the curb, as well as anyone telling him the toxic bullshit you're telling him. Stand up to abusive parents and people who support them, and walk your own path, and stop making excuses for toxic people, whether they gave birth to you or not. That's the path for an independent man to walk in this case, in my opinion.

[–]BernaySaynders 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great answer

[–]ferne96 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good old fun. What else? You are over thinking this.

[–]HaikusfromBuddha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you're projecting you issues with your mom to all mothers. I mean I've had embarrassing moments with my mom too but I just list them as my mom being proud of me and using me or my accomplishments as tool to stunt on other moms.

[–]melonsle 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What you're experiencing is emotional abuse. Our culture has a split-mind towards emotional abuse, with half of the people saying it either doesn't exist or is a totally wholesome or at least forgivable thing - and half the culture recognizing that it is destructive.

Emotional abuse is different than physical abuse, its also different than sexual abuse. But it can leave scars just as deep and painful as both these other kinds of abuse, which society is generally taking more seriously now.

I've been in therapy for 3 years because of the abuse I suffered as a child. Many, many things happened to me but the incident I'll share is that I was often lectured, if I disagreed with my parent, I was lectured at length about how 'pathetic' I was. The influence on my self-esteem remained with me until it was healed in therapy, some 26 years after the incidents in question took place. For those 26 years, the cruel words that were said to me remained with me, haunting me, and ruining my experiences with women and my enjoyment of life. Emotional abuse is a very serious thing.

Here's an extended video clip of a successful nutrition blogger, an adult female, breaking down on video while discussing the emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother. This can bring her to tears and to breakdown, 28 years after the events took place. There are many, many millions of people with similar stories to her.

why do mothers and females in general use this?

Here's the painful thing... if these incidents happened to you while your mind was impressionable, they have sunk very deep in. They are unfortunately, going to be part of how you relate to women. Just like victims of sexual abuse relive their trauma in their early relationships, you are going to be reliving your trauma in your relationships with women.

This principally happens through projection, where we attract people to ourselves who are like our parent, and then we type-cast them in roles where we relive our childhood issues. This means your relationships with women could involve a lot of struggle, until you realize that things can be healthy. Until you gather some positive experiences.

There's much more I could say, having walked this path for years. I wish you the best, and I hope you find peace, and the love that you long for.

[–]Joehogans[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, my emotional issues are subtle with my mother. It's not abuse per se. It's just been betaing over and over in my life and I am feeling stuck, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment, the lack of preparation for the real world. I should have gotten my shit together years ago, and there comes a point where you have to own your own life and stop blaming your parents for all your problems. I've had some issues that I've needed to address for years, I suppose I've by in large ignored them. It's also the same case with all my siblings. We all have issues/problems, that seem to prevent us from reaching our full-potential, having low self-confidence, and just all-around being a insufficient adults. There has never been a time where I felt like I had a real adult in my life. I've felt like I raised myself. And I've never really grown-up per se, in that I feel like I am a fully actualized adult, prepared for life. There are some deep-rooted issues that I need to uncover to understand what is going on deep inside of my psyche. I want to live my life, free, happy, and unburden by this shame, guilt and misery that plagues me.

Where part of me feels I am being way too emotional about this. Another side is telling me I need to figure this out and get past it. I've never had the self-confidence that I see in many people my age. I am not overweight, no physical scares, fairly good-looking, it is just something internal inside of me that prevents me from being my best possible self, I need to figure out what that thing is.

Another thing is, I have never had a strong male role model in my life. It's always been dysfunctional, alcoholic, abusive, out-of-control type men that have come and gone from my life. And then my mom is just a total wreck most of the time. So it weights heavily on me, a lot of her problems trickle down onto me, and she expects me to figure things out for her, pay her bills, get things done, make it happen. Tells me to be like a man, it just seems unfair for me to ACT a certain way when I had no real male role-model in my life, but I am just suppose to fake it now, because I am an adult. Never a stable father figure or man around, it frustrates me to no end how I am just suppose to magically make myself into some perfect idealized version of a man like the snap of a finger because it suites her purposes.

These events are one of the reasons I think I have a hard time relating to and approaching women, and just communication in general. I keep seeing things through this distorted lens of my past. All these insecurities, memories of my past, the way my mother handled/deals with stress (mainly panic), lack of a strong male role model, problem after problem with no solutions.

[–]mickey__ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what exactly have happened to you?

[–]mushroom_overlord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Its pathological for sure, but its like shit testing but with different goals. For example, a woman with abandonment issues might see her son leaving as the end of the world for her, so she'll try to keep him down using shaming tactics.

Sometimes the sane but not perfect mothers just don't know any better.

Of course, be prepared for ANY woman to use these tactics for mate selection; it either wards off the betas (embarrassment), or keeps them around as a provider (shame and guilt).

[–]Dmva100 3 points4 points  (1 child)

As far as the Yountville shooter guy goes, it's quite clear his revenge was based on the women in that workplace being unqualified and not being able to handle someone with PTSD. They probabaly lied about being sexually assaulted by him to get him kicked out of the program.

Dont hire women. They are the causes of mass shootings. Single Mothers are the causes of all bullying since they feminize their children.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dont hire women. They are the causes of mass shootings.

I mean, sure, but it's not like the dude wasn't apeshit insane even before he worked there. Nobody is going to try to argue that that guy was playing with a full deck of mental cards

Everyone get's bullied, 99.95% of people move on as adults and don't try to overcompensate by spraying bullets around their place of work.

[–]deville05 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Or maybe it's an evolutionary psychological thing. Perhaps they are doing it for reasons that they don't even know.. like making you into a guy who is not embarrassed or unfazed. Maybe it's supposed to build confidence. Cuz not being embarrassed or ashamed or guilt trippesbis a great thing

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope. It's so eventually you'll get sick of her shit and go hang out with the men instead.

It's because she's sick of feeding you, sick of cleaning up after your messes, sick of clothing you, and dealing with your emotional vomit.

It's just that simple.

Back in the 70's, 80's, and early 90's there was a lot of popular parenting advice about boosting you child's self-esteem,as if that was the most critical thing you could ever do as a parent.

Mothers should very rarely praise their sons except when they do something that's actually fucking valuable and exemplary. This is because if they grow up expecting women's praise and validation it will romantically and sexually cripple them. They should take steps to embarass them and push them away emotionally by the time puberty hits.

[–]ArticulateSavage 0 points1 point  (6 children)

Dr. Jordan Peterson said something in one of his YouTube videos which has resonated with me ever since. "If you are ever at a loss as to what someone's motivations are, take a good long look at the outcomes." (I'm paraphrasing as I can;t remember the quote verbatim).

Pay little attention to what people say and analyse what they do. These two tidbits of wisdom have helped me in understanding who I wanted to keep in my life, and who I wanted to jettison. I have suffered from some self doubt when cutting people out, but only in so far as I forgot to apply these principles.

Why does your mother embarrass you, even though you told her not to and she promised she wouldn't? Because she wants to embarrass you. Sound fucked up? It is.

[–]Joehogans[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

That's a good quote. Like what are they getting from it? The results, everyone does something for a reason. So what are they getting at the end that would benefit them. And absolutely it's something I've been noticing as well, I pay very little mind to words, only actions matter.

[–]ArticulateSavage 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Like what are they getting from it?

Exactly! Let me give you an example. The Nazis are overused but permit me the indulgence.

Kristallnacht had the effect of sowing terror in the hearts of German Jews. That was one outcome. What does smashing up shops and beating Jews do the the stated party goal of Lebensraum? Nothing. What was the point of the violence then? Could it simply be to sow terror and confusion, not only in the hearts and minds of German Jews but also in the hearts and minds of all Germans of good conscience?

It's a gratuitous example. Can you apply it in your own life?

Perhaps, your mother's stated goal is to see you into adulthood as a well established, independent young man. However, at seemingly inopportune moments she embarrasses you in situations you deem unacceptable. What then is her goal? Peterson recommends looking at outcomes. In your case, the outcome in an embarrassed son. The outcome closes off opportunities for you. The outcome is not congruent with her stated goal. That sheds some light on her actual intentions for you. Keep in mind, she may not be consciously sabotaging you.

[–]Joehogans[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I do not think her goal is to bring me down, although perhaps. I think that some people get off on embarrassing others, especially their children, it gives them a sense of control and power. As for someone to feel embarrass shows that one must care a great deal about said person to feel such an emotion. In this moment when she tried to shame me, I become stoic and un-feeling of the matter. I believe she sensed a change in my normal reaction to such events. In times like those, the best approach imo is to no not apply any emotion or reaction to it. Take it as it is, show no emotion. Once they realize they cannot affect you on such a low level they move on. For the pettier the emotions you react to the lower a human being you are.

[–]ArticulateSavage 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I think that some people get off on embarrassing others, especially their children, it gives them a sense of control and power.

You could be absolutely right.

As for someone to feel embarrass shows that one must care a great deal about said person to feel such an emotion. In this moment when she tried to shame me, I become stoic and un-feeling of the matter. I believe she sensed a change in my normal reaction to such events.

I hope this continues to work for you.

For the pettier the emotions you react to the lower a human being you are.

This is especially poignant for me as I tend towards pettiness with people whom I perceive to have wronged me.

[–]Joehogans[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think it is best to focus on what we ourselves can change and cannot change. We cannot change other people, and what they do, but we can change the way we view them and our responses to such.

[–]ArticulateSavage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it is best to focus on what we ourselves can change and cannot change.

Dr. Jordan Peterson would be nodding along in agreement with you.

[–]CC_ee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Power move to further betarise you

[–]TheRedKeepx -1 points0 points  (1 child)

My MIL pulls this shit constantly. She brings up embarrassing stuff from my hubby's childhood while him and I are attempting to have a conversation in her vicinity. Last time it was about some shirts she bought him at Sears 20 years ago that he probably still wears...like wtf. I actually said its probably embarrassing to your son to say "mommy buys your clothes" in front of women. She grunted. I laughed my ass off. She hates me lol! She tries to basically neuter him every chance she gets. It's sad.

[–]ShotgunTRP -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

It’s hilarious how women communicate purely for the sake of talking and feels generating.

This dude asked a question and you just waffled on like you’re in the hair salon

[–]oholandesvoador -2 points-1 points  (8 children)

Why the fuck does so many people that frequent this sub hates their mother or says that their mothers was truly awful?

I would not have achieved anything without my mother, she was a blessing to me, she loved me very much and taught me many good things that is detrimental for my success in life.

She is a wonderful woman and I love her more than anything, I didn't knew one person in my life, except from reddit, that disliked his mother.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]oholandesvoador -2 points-1 points  (6 children)

    This concept doesn't make sense to me. I know that exists some shit mother that beat their child, molest them, etc... But if a mother gives birth to you, pays to everything from food, shelter and gifts, puts you in school and supports you financialy until you are independent, she has done a good job. You dont have the right to judge her if she supports you until you can move from home, it is not her job to make you an alpha male.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]oholandesvoador -1 points0 points  (4 children)

      It does not seen that you like your mom very much

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]oholandesvoador -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

        Ok, please don't ever discuss TRP outside this sub, it is because of dumb people like you that we receive to much hate.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

          [–]oholandesvoador -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Yeah kid, sure. Have an upvote.