I'm probably the epitome of a "beta bitch". I'm 30 years-old, and about a week ago, I finally admittedly to myself that, well, I am insecure as shit.
Pretty much all the 'usual reasons', I imagine. Watched too many movies growing up, thinking romance would be "a certain way". My cousins beat me almost every day as a kid, and continued to make me feel terrible through early adulthood. I eventually cut ties with them all, but I don't think I ever really got over all that.
Now, I have a real career, things in my life ought to be awesome, but I'm just not mentally "there". I lack any form of "confidence" about myself. I mentally beat myself up over every little thing, constantly tell myself how I'm not good enough, almost like I'm waiting for someone else to come in and tell me I'm wrong.
I've faced my fair share of rejection -- in fact, almost exclusively -- but I'm sure part of it is because I expect rejection. In a way, I feel like it's what I deserve. "I'm not the guy who gets the girl, I'm not as good looking as X, I'm not as successful and Y, and I'm not as charming as Z, so why even try?".
I'm trying to focus on improving myself. I've been working out five days a week for about six months now, recently took a guitar lesson and started practicing again, and trying to clean up my eating. Plus, I'm almost debt-free again (although that part's been super stressful).
But... I still feel insecure about myself. Is that simply a "personality trait" at this point? Have any of you ever been able to, I dunno, "re-train your brain" to where you don't constantly tear yourself down?