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Did I make the right decision breaking up with my fiance? (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

I broke up with my fiance. We disagreed on finances. I was the breadwinner (rent, food,etc). She worked part-time while she paid off her student debt and her credit card debt. She worked part-time because she didn't want a 'desk' job. I got layoff notices at work and so I suggested to her that we cut costs for Christmas which would mean us not flying home to see her parents. I had paid for our last flight 3 months ago to see her parents. Also, I haven't flown home to see my parents in 2 years. She said I was controlling her and that all I cared about was money. She then agreed in principle but said she would be really sad and down for Christmas. I just saw this as a huge indicator of problems to come and broke up with her.

Also, in the past there were other issues like her staying in touch with her exes, having pictures all over fb etc. I told that I found it disrespectful and somehow she played the controlling card again.

EDIT : I haven't dated a whole lot which is why I was caught unprepared to deal with a lot of this. I spent most of my early years working hard to get to where i am today. In the relationship I was left to fend for myself and make decisions as I saw fit. Only after when the relationship ended did my family and friends know what was going on and they were not happy. They said I should have said something sooner.


[–]weiry6922 55 points56 points  (1 child)

Absolutely, she was using you. Be grateful you didn't get married.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a good play.

[–]1Danedina 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Oh, no! Dude, you fucked up big time! You got cold feet. You'll never find someone who loves you as much as she did. Prepare yourself for a life of loneliness. You found your soul mate and just threw her away because of your own insecurities.

Okay, I'll stop. You dodged a bullet my friend. Deep breath. I would highly suggest some monk time. You need to detox and hang out at the Red Pill while you get your head screwed on straight.

I guarantee that two years from now you will look back at this whole affair and let out a huge sigh of relief. In a parallel universe you got married, ran up debt, fathered two kids and lived a life of low-sex, blue pill misery...

Ha! Just as I was typing this text, I mean literally just now, my ex called me to tell me she had to get something off her chest. Five years ago, when we were preparing for the divorce, she hid some money from me (several hundred euros) and she now wants to make good. Fucking broads!

[–]The__Tren__Train 10 points11 points  (10 children)

We're there redeeming qualities at least?

Sounds like u made the right call

[–]limenuke -4 points-3 points  (9 children)

Yeah, we're getting the negative sides, but knowing the positive sides might help balance things out. There will always be negatives. I can understand her feeling down about not seeing her parents. However, it's more unfortunate that she is not as understanding towards you seeing your parents. Overall, this little thing doesn't seem like a malicious play or a deal breaker.

However....the stuff about her not finding a real job, and the last paragraph of things she does are what stick out to me as real negatives. Being sad about not being able to fly back for Christmas doesn't seem like a huge problem, in context.

[–]mksu 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Gtfo

[–]limenuke -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

neckbeard rp'r, keep your head down alright

[–]hartke20g 0 points1 point  (6 children)

The problem isn't that she'd feel down during Christmas. Shit, how do you think OP has felt for the past 2 years, not being able to go see his parents while they see hers and he pays for everything? The "feeling down about Christmas" thing is just her trying to manipulate him into doing what she wants; again, she's not the only one "missing out" on something (side note: all women have a huge fear of missing out on things all the time, and most don't seem to understand that sometimes you have to miss things in order to not mess up other things in life).

Anyway, I'm willing to bet, based on personal experience, that OP was already feeling resentment from these facts and the comment about "feeling down on Christmas" just sealed the deal. "Oh, you'd feel down? What about me? I got laid off and haven't seen my parents in two years, yet you're trying to guilt me with your fleeting feelings."

Yes, I'm salty. I've dealt with this.

[–]limenuke 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To expect all humans to be free from wanting to emotionally manipulate those they're close to is a tall order. If you want to go hardcore neckbeard RP (because there certainly are near-autistic levels of behavior here where people follow certain guides by successful RP'rs to the tee and end up pissing everyone else off) then you can try to live a 0 tolerance lifestyle, where you next every girl who tries to guilt you into something. Realistically, you'll never find someone if you keep to this.

OP def felt the way you said, but I think OP clearly made some poor judgement calls to being with by not flying to see his own parents. Nobody is stopping him from seeing his parents. Who's to say he even wants to see his parents? We have no context here, fellow redditor. Adding that he has not flown to see them recently is just a way of making it seem like what she's asking for is unreasonable.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

The Christmas thing was broke the Camel's back. The not looking for a job/contributing to household expenses, calling me controlling for having a problem with her staying in touch with her exes, all were huge red flags. I felt I couldnt trust her and getting married would have been a bad idea. I wouldn't have minded dating her if we weren't living together. But marriage was definitely off the table.

[–]BeachBumSurferGirl 0 points1 point  (3 children)

If you felt like you couldn't trust her, it is definitely best that you ended it now. Coming from someone who is divorced, I should have ran when my gut was telling me to run. I kept thinking "oh, it will get better!" (because HE would say that) and it never did. It got worse. He had SO much debt and was such a slacker that I was embarrassed for people to even associate me with him. He made horrible decisions constantly and the longer I stayed, the more I resented him and felt disgusted by him as a human being.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I guess that remote possibility that things will change for the better and the uphill battle if we were to breakup is what keeps us in the relationship. When I broke up with her, she also guilted me by saying that I had given up on our relationship and that she has never given up on anyone she loved(I guess thats why she never stopped talking to her exes lol). Towards the end I was even embarrased to be associated with her. Most days I was exhausted working and taking care of things around the apartment.

[–]BeachBumSurferGirl 0 points1 point  (1 child)

The exciting thing here, though, is that there are people out there that you will meet that you WON'T have to hope for a change in. There is a BIG difference between "giving up" and "moving on" when things are no longer positive for both of you. Had I realized that WAY sooner, I wouldn't have stuck it through with so many losers in my past. I would have totally held out for my current boyfriend!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you. It's an experience that taught me a lot about relationships. Most importantly about self respect.

[–]Reddened 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I haven't read anything here to suggest she was worth keeping as an LTR let alone a wife, seems you made the right call.

[–]quicklogaccount 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Man, we have memory bias. Not just women, men have it too. In short, we'll remember stuff that endorse how we feel rather than have "balanced" good and bad memories. So to find out whether you did or not the right thing the only way is to force memory a bit into the good side of the past and make an assessment.

That said, the stuff you said are major signs of emotional manipulation (not flying to her parents would make her sad, meaning, "ok but YOUR decision is hurting ME"), major signs of beta bux fishing (using emotional manipulation to reach financial goals) and a very troublesome sign of disrespect, the exes stuff.
Think of it in this way. EVERY TIME you bring up an issue with a LTR, the LTR has two choices. (Gender neutral LTR here, so I'll use IT to refer to LTR):
-Acknowledge it and change;
-Confront to prove your point wrong (usually rational confrontation);
-Confront to grant it's right to the questioned issue (usually being emotional).
ANY confrontation is a CHOICE to bear the consequences of the confront for make benefit of the questioned point. She is bearing the consequences of the confront (at LEAST making you upset) for making benefit of herself with her exes (for, best case scenario, validation fishing or not hurting THEIR feelings, but on RP we assume she's keeping her choices for branch swinging).
And she chose the emotional confrontation, "controlling card", meaning, she was holding this right of hers as high as the rights she holds dear enough to defend with her best weaponry. THIS is a very troublesome issue man.

So, I'm a romantic man. RP gives you the tools to fix it. Keep in mind things are like that because you led poorly. It probably can be fixed, but there are surely tools to work on it.
If you chose to work on it, just make some introspection to be 100% sure you're not doing it because you DEPEND on her. Abundance mentality. On one side, she might be worth it and AWALT, you'll probably not find someone better. On the other, there might be women around there that are more aware than she is, less selfish, more worth of LTR. She might be average but hey, 50% of women are better than average.

Two years ago I chose to work on my LTR, who was being AWALT in a lot of aspects, but I did it because I NEEDED her validation. One year on the RP and I'm left to break up with a woman who's giving me pretty much the best relationship there might be, because RP pointed what issues I was meant to work on, I did, only to find out she was not worth it. So, I can't stress this enough. If you will work on it, introspect and be 100% sure she is worth it. Assess her worth for LTR on RP criteria.

Honestly, as I said, memory is biased, but I am biased myself in assuming she isn't worth it and you've done right.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fuck yeah you made the right decision. YOU call the shots. If she doesn't like them, tough shit. She can go look for the next tool in her list.

[–]play_time_is_over 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Man there are so many women out there if one is getting too testy just fucked her off

[–]97bottles 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It's important to keep and Abundance Mentality and never forget it.

[–]play_time_is_over 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Abundance Mentality is the solution to all female problems - but its also one of the hardest things to get imo.

[–]falafin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

enjoy your newly gained freedom and appreciate it

[–]meh613 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I broke up with my fiance

A correction, fiance is masculine, the female partner is a fiancee. Ok, lads, queue the downvotes.

[–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorbicepsblastingstud 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ok, lads, queue the downvotes.

Just let your posts stand. This meta-Reddit stuff is annoying.

[–]our_guile 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Staying in touch with exes should be an immediate deal breaker. Coupled with everything else, I'd say you made the right choice.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good call. When I think of some of the girls in my BP past that I considered proposing to, I shudder.

It's like they hand out these playing cards in those shitty girl magazines that say things like "you're being controlling", "you have trust issues", etc. They actually think they are clever in this.

[–]EssexMum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you did the right thing. Really sorry for you, but she didn't want to take care of herself at a minimum, clearly.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yup.

[–]32643264 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She seems lazy. Not willing to contribute.

Keeping in contact with the exes? I always tell a LTR girl that if i even think shes talking with her exes, then we are done. My way or the highway.

You got out at just the right time.

[–]2niczar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You dodged a fucking bullet, buddy. Narcissists/BPDs always project their negative character traits onto others. And they are controlling themselves. My guess is that during all her free time she was most likely banging a few other dudes.

[–]Endorsed Contributorbalalasaurus 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You did the right thing OP. You did what you had to do for yourself which is often the most difficult concept the recently unplugged have to grasp. You should not feel guilty in any way, nor should you allow her to make you feel so. I hope you've cut contact with her and her family completely.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea I cut off contact with every one. She tried to get back in touch but I ignored it. It's tough because there is that small chance that things could have turned out differently.

[–]jeezydasnowman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. If she wants money she's gonna hafta work harder or start hustling

[–]The-Ban-Hammer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She said I was controlling her and that all I cared about was money.

Red fucking flag. When they don't understand financial responsibilities, it's because they don't care. They want you to pay for it all. When you won't or can't, you are "controlling" and they'll find a sucker who will.

[–]The-Ban-Hammer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, in the past there were other issues like her staying in touch with her exes, having pictures all over fb etc. I told that I found it disrespectful and somehow she played the controlling card again.

Another red flag is the "controlling game." Here's how it works.

1) They do something they absolutely shouldn't.

2) You let them know it is unacceptable.

3) They shame you into thinking you're being a "controlling asshole."

4) You bite your tongue on stuff, while she uses her tongue on other guy(s).

Cuckold training complete.

When a girl complains you're too controlling for basic shit like "not talking to and keeping pictures of an ex-boyfriend," she's trying to control you into not doing anything.

You dodged a bullet getting rid of this one.

[–]ApexScorpion 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tough decisions have to be made, sometimes. You seem to have caught the red flag before making a horrible choice. Bravo. If she cared, she would've done anything to stay out of trouble. ANYTHING.

Sounds like she wants to be a free spirit but with a provider also. You destroyed her strategy by leaving.

[–]NiftyDolphin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Red flags prior to marriage become Green Lights for divorce once you say your vows.

Her fiscal immaturity alone is enough of a reason to break up. Fighting over the finances is one of the top reasons for divorce.

She said I was controlling her and that all I cared about was money.

and...

I told that I found it disrespectful and somehow she played the controlling card again.

You need to take a step back and ruminate on this. I don't know the nitty-gritty details of your relationship, so I can't tell you if you're controlling or not. If you can dispassionately review your interactions with her, then do so. If you find that you were a controlling dick, then, going forward, fix that shit.

If you can say that you weren't being overly-controlling then understand that women, when they find that a tactic works against you, will utilize that tactic to their advantage.

So if you hear that a lot: you're either a controlling bastard or she knows that accusing you of being a controlling bastard will get her what she wants.

[–]Kidterrific 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it sounds crazy, that's because it IS crazy. Easy relationships are just that - EASY. The only thing that should be difficult in your relationships is your relationship with yourself as you struggle to improve.

Don't rationalize yourself into a shit life. You made a move to improve your life. Work up from there.