Yesterday my dad celebrated his birthday. Every year he makes a big party where he invited friends and family. Cousins from out of town and from town and whatnot. I always look forward to them because I always have fun with my cousins. Lots of laughs and fun stories.
The thing is though, that even though I have a lot of fun, I spent the next couple days with extremely low self esteem because I’m always reminded how bad I am at life.
You see, my dad’s family is filled with masculine men. They’re very socially skilled, have lots of friends, can get laid like nothing, good jobs, have fun stories to tell. Me? I’m the opposite. I have no friends really. I suck with women, having barely lost my virginity at the age of 20 few months ago with a very slutty 6, I have crap social skills (I am told that I’m funny however), and I’m unattractive. I stand out as being the beta of the family. My dad is a very upbeat out going guy, so I can see the disappointment in people’s faces when they meet his son.
What really fucks with my self esteem is how I’m constantly reminded how bad I am at life, specifically with girls.
For example, at the party, my 17 year old sister had brought some of her friends who freshmen in college over to the house. Now these girls have been coming over for years. Usually once or twice a week. These girls I would rate 8-10. Varsity basketball players with nice legs and whatnot. When my cousins and such saw these girls they were in awe on how hot they were. And then they started giving me lots of shit.
“Man, what’s is wrong with you? Why don’t you fuck them?”
“I tell him to do so, but he is all fag”
“You’re ruining this”.
On and on do the reminders go. Man I kid you not a few days ago my cousin who lives here and hang with a lot told “hey dude when all the family is here, tell them all that you finally lose your virginity. They’ll all lose their shit and finally it’ll confirm you’re not fucking gay”.
Shit like that really fucks with my self esteem.
I’m even self improving for months now. I’m reading a lot. Lifting for 4 months. I began bike riding a week ago, a hobby that I’m looking forward too actually! Been having lots of fun with it.
But in all honesty I have nothing to show for it and I still appear extremely beta and probably will for a while.
I just don’t know how to deal with my family members. It’s most just with them too. Every social circle I’ve involved myself in, whether it’ll be hanging out with my cousins and his friends or the people at work, it’s always like this.