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Adopting my friends son after his passing? (self.asktrp)

submitted by [deleted]

Too make a long story short. My friend just passed last night he was closer to me then my brother. He was also a single father who was estranged from his family. Baby mama is an addict so its either I file the paperwork and take over or this kid becomes a trainwreck. I just turned 24 and im not really at the age where I want kids nor do I really ever want them. But I have a great job that pays very well and all the things youd need to provide for someone. I guess the thing that gets me thinking is what would my buddy think if I took the selfish route? I believe in an afterlife and I just imagine him waiting for me at the gates with a sigh of disappointment on his face if I take the "its not my problem" route. Im pretty dead set on adopting but id like some peoples opinions before I do. I dont want this kid turning into an addicts welfare check with me hed have a future.


[–]randomperson123321 61 points62 points  (2 children)

It's a good idea if you're a genuine good guy. Just do not expect anything good in return.

[–]CcaseyC 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Yeah, it's definitely a noble thing to do. But the kid is just that, a kid. He's gonna act like most kids do and it won't always be fun, and he will definitely be taking up a very large portion of your life.

That being said I think it is a wonderful thing to do. I lived with my friends parents for a few years at the end of high school and my first year of college and I can tell you they really helped me get my life on track, because my parents were not so awesome. So if you can be a good influence on the kid I think he will make you very proud. What's the point of all the RP shit we do if you can't even give back to the world that gave you these opportunities.

[–]iukenbo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

you a good man ♂

[–]TurnDownForWhat 22 points23 points  (5 children)

This now turns into your burden. Do not take this lightly. Do not expect the world to give a shit. Do not expect anything except parenthood. I'd say do it if this guy was that close to you. Might we ask the age of said child.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (4 children)

I understand it's a thankless job i know nobody will give a shiy. But it's the right thing to do and the kids innocent and I have the ability to help him or let him become just another bp defect addict or future convict. Rather choose the former

[–]genjuro_zero 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Kid might not give a shit now, but make no mistake - if you do this, he will come to realize as an adult what sort of man you are and you will be a significant influence in what sort of man he becomes.

[–]salami_inferno 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Not thankless. If you raise the kid right they will know the sacrifice you made. Im close with my siblings so if somebody was closer than them to me it wouldnt even be a decision to me whether to take the kid or not. But know it wont be easy. But if the guy really was family to you than his kids should also be family to you.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I'm not looking for thanks. It's the right thing to do. Me and a mutual friend who was also friends with my deceased buddy are coming toghether to raise his son. Come Monday were lawyering up and filing the paperwork we have a will on our side. Mother is a known offender user and problem it won't be hard winning this. Me and my buddy talked about it and we agree life is about goals and missions passions and experiences. We want what's best for a 3 year old. It's gonna be weird having two straight dudes raise him but he's a toddler and already calls is uncle's so I'm sure it'll all workout

[–]unicorn-carousel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've seen communal family situations like this work out fine, despite all the doom on TRP. Yes there will be drama and shit. TBH I think this is the best possible outcome for a kid, so good on you for stepping up. You and other buddy will disagree on stuff, careful that you communicate well. Sounds like you're doing it for the right reasons, which is the only thing I'd pause and question... "who do I really want to do this?" Good luck... turn it into a movie someday.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen 8 points9 points  (2 children)

That's a tough decision and one you can only make on your own.

You should not do it out of feeling like you owe anything to your friend or this child.

Give it a long good thought, if you really want or do not want to do it and carefully think about the reasons. You should also consider your personal situation and if you are ready to take care of another human being who will be dependent on you. If you choose to adopt this child, you will owe him from then on.

It's not really difficult to take care of a child. It just consumes time, energy and ressources, but it is also satisfying. After all that is what we are made for.

I can see people coming here and claiming that it is the same as cucking yourself. I personally believe in altruism and the emotional satisfaction we get out of it, though.

Whatever the outcome of your thinking process might be, just live with the arising consequences.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

He'd do the same for me if he was alive. I'm not doin it because I owe anyone anything. I see an innocent child who'd be damned if I didn't get involved. I feel it's right. I'm a built dude you've answered some of my other questions on here I've got a great job sense of humor and personality. I'll have no problems with women. Who cares if it consumes time. I'm not considering it for something in return. I'm considerin it because it's right.

[–]Endorsed Contributorvandaalen 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I feel it's right.

Always trust your guts.

[–]pinstrap 8 points9 points  (1 child)

If you do adopt this boy, for gods sake raise him to be a real man

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

That's the goal. Better then his addict mother can do. I see potential she sees 473 a month in welfare

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–]Frigzy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if you add the kid's potential? Are their total combined potentials highest when he does or does not adopt him?

It's actually pretty clear which is the better choice if you put it this way in my opinion.

[–]nastynickdr 1 point2 points  (2 children)

"I believe in an afterlife and I just imagine him waiting for me at the gates with a sigh of disappointment on his face if I take the "its not my problem" route."

If you only wanna do for this reason, then dont do it. If you really WANT to help this kid, not because of some external force, or fear of judgment or anything like that, but from will that comes WITHIN you, then do it.

What about your friends parents, or family? Not any of them want to take care of the kid?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm not afraid of judgement. I feel it's the right thing to do the kids 3 he won't know better. If feel terrible if he turned into an addict or a convict when I could simply take him in. I know my buddy would do that for me

[–]pspman354 0 points1 point  (0 children)

then thats a good enough reason to do it. Just because he's not blood, doesnt mean that hes not a true brother.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From a completely amoral standpoint, your only reason to follow through with this is out of loyalty to your friend, and yet it could screw up your life in a big way if you're not ready or able to look after the kid.

Here's a similar story from /r/childfree which might resonate with you, especially this part at the end:

They're hard work. They take all of your money and time and energy. And even if you love them you'll always resent them. And you'll have no one to talk to about it because everyone would look down on you.

So from a Machiavellian perspective it would make sense not to go through with it, and maybe look into other ways of supporting him (trust fund?).

However, if you honestly believe that you can support yourself and this kid until he's an adult, then go for it. It's incredibly selfless of you to even be considering it, and I respect you greatly for it.

[–]alpha_n3rd[🍰] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

If the kid has nobody else to turn to right now I think the only right thing in the world is to take the kid, at least temporarily. Talk to your state people about it, I'm sure the first step is some sort of temporary custody order anyway. Have you spoken with a lawyer? Most offer a free 1 hr consultation.

If the kid has family that's willing to take him in that you feel comfortable turning him over to, that might be the best long term route, consider it.

Hows your financial situation? Can you afford a kid? It's not too horrible to be a single parent if you have money. You just pay other people to do the work so you can enjoy playtime with baby. Can you afford an au pair?

If you're poor it's going to be a real challenge; carefully consider the financial implications and whether you're really capable of supporting the kid. *Honestly the kid might be better off in a foster home than e.g. a run down trailer with nothing to eat.

*Does the kid come with any money? Life insurance? Foster-care stipends? Bank accounts? Anything? This isn't avarice, this is trying to pay for a damned expensive kid.

OTOH a kid is a great prop for meeting women.

I suggest you read this pronto: https://books.google.com/books/about/Be_Prepared.html?id=2iumW6qoUn8C&source=kp_cover&hl=en

NM I see the kid is 3, a baby book isn't gonna cut it.

*What about a social worker have you spoken with a social worker?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I just bought my first house. I make about 70k a year before taxes GREAT for my age my job is also my passion (fitness) so im NEVER tired after work. I have another mutual buddy whos moving in with me whos friends with my deceased buddy. Just talked on the phone made my mind up we're gonna help raise this kid together he works a night job I work a day job until the situation gets settled when the kids older. We both feel its right just gotta do the paperwork now and consult a lawyer

[–]alpha_n3rd[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds like an awesome plan.

One kid isn't too bad on 70k if your expenses are low. If your buddy's helping out it should be piece of cake. And you won't even need an au pair or day care or anything so that makes it a LOT cheaper. Childcare is what really kills people. That's one of the reasons my wife stays home; there's no way she could make enough money to pay for the day care.

[–]That_Deaf_Guy 1 point2 points  (2 children)

How old is the kid?

[–]ahackercalled4chan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

3 years old

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not big on feels but your story really touched me. If you can be a positive role model in this child's life and you're ready for it then do it, and thank you for being a good person.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It's really going to hurt when you lose that court battle. Depending on the state, the mom is always going to be in your life if you adopt that child.

In most courts regardless of her substance abuse, they see a child needing their mother.

What you're doing is great. I don't think you can even imagine the trouble you're bringing on yourself tho. Best case you raise a great man and he will see that and pay it forward in either your life or his children's life. Worst case...who knows.

Good luck with your decision!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She's so inept I'm not even concerned she lost custody to my friend. She's a documented troublemaker and user the police and child services already know. What's she gonna do hire an attorney? Please lol howd she but dope. This is a woman that can't even show up to rehab when the shuttle bus is 6 feet from her front door. This is my buddies fucking legacy you don't fuck with a man's legacy

[–]red-triad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would go for it.

[–]JimFury 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If I was in a good position in my life and it was a good friend I think I'd do it. The kid needs a good life and going into a foster system is unfortunately not always great. He could hit the lottery or everything could go to shit. I think if you have red pill experience in life you could set this kid up for success. Either way it's a tough decision and like others have said you'll have to make sacrifices but its a good thing to do man. Good luck man.

[–]GunsGermsAndSteel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fatherhood is a hard, thankless, frustrating, painful, awesome, rewarding, life-affirming job.

Think long and hard about it. Do what you think is the right thing.

[–]nuesuh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not adopting him: You have more time for yourself, more money for yourself. Kid gets a super shitty start to his life and his loving mother gets government money for smack.

Adopting him: The opposite. A lot of time and money to take care of him. He gets a parent that cares for him and is wise(compared to his mother). Government doesn't pay for her drugs.

[–]MentORPHEUS 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If adopting him doesn't work out for whatever reason, you could still be involved in his life, in a Big Brother type of capacity.

[–]RedRhapsody 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm a little late to the thread.

Sounds like you've gotten all the advice you need and have made up your mind.

Just wanna say good luck. Raise him right.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

not that it truly matters in the long run, but how old is the kid in question?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How old is the child? It's much different dealing with a ten year old than a one year old. Seeing as you are 24 I am assuming the child is young. Do you have any emotional attachment to the child? I know you said he was estranged from his family, but were his parents nice people? It might be better off to let them handle this.

[–]Nikelu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well if it was my best friend's kid and I could raise him,and the kid had zero other options like family etc I would do it.

[–]UndergroundRP 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did the mother offer the kid to you? It is very unlikely you will get this kid unless their entire family enthusiastically agrees to it. You don't just get to "file paperwork and take over" even if the kid would be 100x better off for it.

[–]TheRedStoic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a massive, life changing decision. Consider the following.

if you adopt

  • You are now second place in your life. The child is first.
  • repeat the above.
  • repeat it into your mirror.
  • repeat it again and follow it with a hearty "fuck you", right into your own face.
  • follow this with the knowledge that you have an opportunity, free from a woman's necessitated government tracked) backed influence, to raise one of the best of his generation. A truly self sufficient, self determined, happy, intelligent, capable male. Your nurture and ability can set this kid to succeed better than most anyone you can find or guarentee can do the same. This is one of the most honorable, value contributing things you can do to your own life, and your own species.
  • then look at your income, your free time, bringing girls home whenever you want, randomly ditching your obligations for a vacation, medical expenses, sports, nights and weeks of disrespect and hatred, unthankful behavior, and say "fuck you" in the mirror again.
  • also realize that after all the ignorance, education, and growth, knowledge of your sacrifice and the fruits it has brought cam truly bring you the satisfaction of a lifetime.

from an adopted male, paraphrased from his father. this rodeo ain't for anyone but the kid. If there is a single ulterior motive, I suggest you stop now.

You seem to be a damned good guy. Hats off. At least go have a crazy weekend or week before making a step. I mean to crazy. It'll be a while.

Oh yeah, recommended bedtime stories, the book of pook, the little prince, and if you want to go my parents route, any philosophical parables. (nietzche and Socrates at 8yrs old personally. Probably had loads to do with who I am).

Also, skip an allowance. Give the kid plenty of chore options, make him split the pay into three jars.

  • Savings, which you control and deposit for him, to be returned at a later date.
  • spending, which he may take.
  • goals, which can only be touched after its hit a certain minimum balance. (mine was age multiplied by 10)

[–]BenOfMahogany 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Whatever you do, you're a good dude for even considering this. If you're done with the party life, go for it.

[–]juliusstreicher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't adopt. If you do, you'll be liable for child support payments, even if crack addled whore mom marries another crackhead and they get half, if not full custody from the court.

Can't you get some other kind of arrangement? Like "temporary custody" or some such? Power of attorney?

[–]TheJunkieMonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hope you went on with the adoption. After solidifying my belief in an after life about a month ago ie: being 100% sure I'll receive good later, I would happily adopt this kid. I would not adopt him if I know I'm going to resent him. That's worse.

[–]Train33 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You want to be there for the kid, but you also don't want to throw on unneeded responsibilities too early on in your life.

I would sugguest that instead of filing for adoption and putting a burden on yourself, speak to the childs mother and even her parents and let them know that you were thinking of taking the role of "father figure" in the kids life. Anything they need they can come to you and you'll help them and you want to be there in his life almost daily.

Since you are in TRP you'll be able to tell when they just want money and when they actually need assistance. Essentially, you are putting yourself in the role of BB after all.

So, instead of having a legal agreement and tying yourself up legally for 15 more years, have a verbal agreement between the mother and her parents.

[–]salami_inferno 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Careful cause once the courts feels a parental role has been taken they wont hesitate to strap you with child support.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who will?